son falsely accused of rape and now charged

[myhome]

HI MnH - this whole situation is so hard, unjust, unfair, unbelievable and any other un word you can think of......I think for anyone involved - whether supporting someone or being the one who is FA what you see on the outside is not what's going on on the inside, and sometimes it's harder for the supporter because all the focus is on the one who has been FA and you feel you have to be strong for them - but you need support too so make sure that you have someone you can "off-load" to and support you. Maybe in a quieter, calmer moment the two of you can have a chat about how the situation is affecting both of you and perhaps work out a way you can be a support to each other. Bottling things up can only eventually lead to an explosion - just like a pressure cooker.......
all he best wishes for you both MH

[lonley place]

It an uphill plod and keeping sane is a chore. Its horrendous to see the one you love going through hell
knowing theres nothing you can do to ease the burden of FA.
The pressure is mounting now as the court hearing is getting closer, your son is experiencing every emotion there is and must be terrified of what the outcome will be, He has you to rant and rave at, your shoulder to cry on ...your strength to draw on.
You need the same but your son has no energy left to give...find yourself a good friend who you can talk to about your feelings and from whom you can draw strength. I know its a hard subject to discuss with people but believe me the friend you need is already around you .....just choose wisely as you will be offloading to them a lot.
Of course we are all here whenever you need us !! LP

[Don'tbelieveit!]

Hi MNH

It really is difficult especially finding the balance between supporting others, i.e. your son, and finding the strength to keep going yourself. Everybody reacts differently and I am sure you know your son well enough to know where and how you can help him and where and how not. Try to understand his outbursts - they are human given the situation. On the other hand, you really need to be able to confide in somebody to at least try and take the weight of your own shoulders.

Luckily, I have found somebody here, and she knows who she is and (I hope) knows that I am sincerely grateful for any advice, input and thoughts she has. I think I would have gone mad without having that support, because I have been left with nobody of my own, i.e. family and friends. Yet at least my hubby's parents are standing by us.

On a personal note, my hubby is the kind of person who flees the real world and enters the virtual (PC games etc) to just 'forget', 'ignore' or 'flee'. Yet every now and again I have to bring him back to reality. No point in being an ostrich, is what I say to him....

Take care!

[mumneedinghelp]

Thanks to everyone for all the recent posts. I am hanging in there but it's not easy and now my son is having a problem with his latest girlfriend. They get on really well but her ex is causing problems and she is finding it hard to know what to do for the best. He looked after their daughter last weekend while she stayed overnight with us and the daughter mentioned my son's name and he went ballistic. He is threatening to keep the little girl from her if she continues to see my son. He is a nasty piece of work because he put her in hospital in January and threw her over the car bonnet a couple of weeks ago. She is currently living in a women's refuge with her daughter and is desperate to get a place of her own away from the area she currently lives in but cannot afford the deposit yet.
I like her and her daughter and feel sorry for her but I don't know if I can cope with other people's problems right now. My husband then dropped a bombshell by suggesting they move in with us so she could save some money. I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it because he and my son then went out to do some work. I was shocked by his suggestion and not sure why he suggested it unless he is thinking that she is good for my son and helps him take his mind off what is going on and the alternative is that they might break up. If she moved in with us she would then effectively be 'doing a runner' but surely her ex has rights to see the child? While I don't want the relationship to break up I think there are too many complications for her to move in with us and I don't want an angry ex banging on the door.

[is there justice?]

I don't mean this to sound harsh, and I'm sure your son's g/f is lovely, but I think the last thing you all need now is someone else's problems heaped at your door let alone an angry ex. Hopefully you can have a chat with your son and your husband and they will understand.

[mumneedinghelp]

You are not being harsh , just echoing my feelings. Hubby back now and I asked him why he had suggested it. He says she and her daughter have already spent several weekends at our house already without any problems and I was just trying to help her save some money to be able to rent a place and she has no relatives to help out. My son has gone to the gym so I haven't spoken to him. I'm not sure if he could cope with having a 4 year old around all the time anyway at the moment. My husband said he looked happier when he dropped him off at the gym so I will have to speak to him when he gets back.

[whatsgoingon?]

Hi MNH... I'm sorry you've been feeling so down and there's been tesion between your son and yourself. I fully sympathise as this happened between my son and I. I just felt he wasn't being proactive enough and while I was becoming obsessed with it all, he was trying to keep his mind off it! Also (I was just thinking about this the other day)... when you are very close to someone and a problem as important as this crops up it's as though you are both involved . This is fairly unusual in a parent/child relashionship (even a grown-up child). As parents, they are used to us being there to nurse their wounds, sort out problems with teachers or other kids etc., but our roles remain distinct. As they grow up, distance is created and their private life becomes their own. They certainly don't expecty us to get involved in it other than a very superficial level and their sexuality is not our business. So cases like this lead to a very unusual situation and both have to agree to handle it as best as possible without escalating the fear, tension, and other negative emotions it throws up. Not easy.


On the subject of his g/friend and daughter moving in with you.... however nice she may be I think this is a no-no until your son's case is over. The last thing you want is social services to be involved and if her ex is a nasty peice of work, that's exactly what could happen. You've got enough problems for now.

Take care

[mumneedinghelp]

Just to update. Girlfriend not moving in. She doesn't want to , which I can understand, but from what my son is now saying she has been stringing him along, taking advantage of his good nature and it looks like the romance may be finished.

[whatsgoingon?]

That's probably a blessing in disguise. This is a time when you sort out your friends etc. He needs people around him who are sincere..not the other kind.

[myhome]

Agreeing with WGO - leaves your family free to concentrate on supporting your son......

[mumneedinghelp]

Yet another celebrity accused of sexual acts in the past. All this publicity does nothing to help the people using this site. I have only been a member for a month so I don't know if accusations , especially historical ones, have increased since the Jimmy Saville atrocities came to light.

On a personal note it has been a roller coaster of emotions during the past week but happily my son's relationship is back on and he is happy again. We had 2 nights of drunkenness and tears

[mumneedinghelp]

Just talked to my son for over an hour about the case. It's the longest chat we have had about it and now he is in a good mood again it was good to talk. We went over everything he knows about the FA and her family, what happened on the day the accusation was made and discussed who he could ask to be character witnesses. It was very positive and we have some evidence of his character and feelings about rape.

[Seeking Justice]

My solicitor tells me that the reason they are pursuing my case to trial is down to Operation Yewtree.

Most of these cases would not have been pursued before as they know they are weak cases and its a waste of money, but they are under a lot of pressure to let the jury decide rather than dropping the charges.

I actually think it could be a good thing all these celebrities being charged. Every week you hear of someone being arrested.

The perception from my eyes at least, is that its all getting out of control and any man is going to be frightened to be left alone in a room with a woman or children in case an allegation is made.

[mumneedinghelp]

I know rape victims can claim compensation from the CICA but does anyone know when it is paid out? I have just noticed my son's FA has posted a picture of her back garden and made reference to her house recently on Facebook and she used to live in a small flat. It makes my blood boil that she has falsely accused my son of rape and is putting him through all this anguish and she can get a payout of at least £7500.

[Don'tbelieveit!]

Hi
I don't know the answer to your question but has there been a trial and was he found guilty? If not, my common sense tells me that you can't claim for the compensation if it has not yet been determined that there is a case to claim compensation for... Just my honest opinion..