My Story... (LONG)... Input helpful and I am happy to discuss.

[RFLH]

It's good to see you posting quite cheerily Lawless! Remember that even with the AD's you will get some down days - tis all normal though!

I'm also pleased that you've sought help at last - you can only go onwards and upwards now - and make plans for the bright future that you have now.

[lawlessone2009]

Take time to nurture yourself back to health (not too long though... you'll be badly needed in ...how many months???)

Er......... About 7 1/2 I think... Oh dear..... Nappies!

[lawlessone2009]

It's good to see you posting quite cheerily Lawless! Remember that even with the AD's you will get some down days - tis all normal though!

I'm also pleased that you've sought help at last - you can only go onwards and upwards now - and make plans for the bright future that you have now.

Thanks 'old yin'......

[RFLH]

- so very true!

[is there justice?]

I don't know how you got through it all so no wonder your strength and energy are sapped. It is a reminder to us all that the 'end' isn't a magic wand and it undoubtedly takes time to recuperate. You'll get there though, reading through you must be one of the mentally strongest people I've come across.

Now you need to strengthen your backbone cos once that little baby arrives you will be at severe risk of curvature of the spine as it wraps you around its little finger

Take care, all of you

[Izzy]

I haven't been on so much lately LL1, but so happy to log on and see everything is how it should be!

Congrats on the baby news

[lawlessone2009]

Pills are doing their thing.

Not sure about 'strong willed' more 'chancer'...

Babies babies babies....... OH NO! Suppose I can now go and get the 'snip' as that's me happy with my reproductive efforts.

Got a job interview this afternoon... Dreading it, not really wanting it but going along anyways. Not quite sure how I am going to fit a proper job into life... Not sure I want too... Nothing ventured, nothing gained....

[cantgiveup]

Hiya, I have not been on here much, I have been checking in now and again but not really able to post but I am soooo chuffed to bits for you and the fantastic outcome you have achieved for both yourselfs and most likely others in the future


:clap

And HUGE congratulation on becoming a Daddy again, now that is really something to look forward to!

I am glad you are now able to get the help you need to get the whole sorry state of affairs put behind you, having only been on this rollercoaster for 3 and a half months I have no idea how you have coped with 2 years and I am only the partner of the accused so am not actually going through it directly. Anyways, now is definately the time to put it behind you and concentrate on yourself and your family and just enjoy living.

Best of luck with the job interview!!!

CGU xx

[Boys don't cry]

Here is one symbolic of your five a day Lawless.

Sincere congratulations for the baby and court result.

About the job, I noticed you wrote several times to people to get their fingers out so now is your turn.

All the best.

[lawlessone2009]

The 2nd of August 2013.

That was the absolute most hellish day of my life.

I still have crystal clear snap shot images in black and white (not sure why) of that day.

Two young blonde female prosecutors faced off against my older gentleman advocate. It was gloriously screen played out before 3 very learned appeals court judges. The two whipper snappers couldn't contain themselves with their labels of me. Every sentence contained 'rapist' as if it was a settled fact.

They played out their amateur game.

They were utterly slaughtered by my advocate. Made to look the absolute fools they were.

However, it was my side that had the uphill battle. We were going in as the appellants. The arguments had to be good and they had to be clear. The advocate missed some points I would've made, he wasn't too clear on others where clarity was definitely needed. He pulled gems from nowhere, he had clearly devoted time and energy to the case.

The appeals process isn't so clear cut as you would imagine. The facts of the entire case were laid before the court. Many legal arguments were had. There is not a simple appeals process, you need to demonstrate beyond all question that there's no guilt involved. Maybe this was an approach by my advocate or maybe that is standard practice but I have to say it was an entire day of legal arguing.

Things really could've swung either way. The power and the presence of those 3 robed judges was unbelievable.

I'm not lucky that things swung my way. I'm lucky that I had the solicitor and the advocate that I had who were able to present my position and argue on my behalf.

I remember the 2nd of August. I will remember it for the rest of my life. It passes every year. Sometimes life is so busy it passes before I notice and other times I spend days reflecting on the hell that I faced.

I didn't face it alone. I faced it with family, legal reps and YOU GUYS. I will be eternally grateful for all the inputs and understandings and thoughts and even the hard times I was given.

On the closure and outcome of the appeal I broke down and cried in the court. I lost it. Totally lost it.

That kind of set in motion an extended period.

I vanished over the edge. Suicide played very large in my life. It was consistently on my mind. My every thought. On the 16th of October 2013 my unborn son was pronounced dead. There was a 'birth' and a funeral, a tiny tiny coffin which I carried in to the service and laid to rest before he'd even managed a breath in this world. I didn't cry, I was unable to cry. Physically incapable. I've cried many times since.

A chance dental appointment in about November time set me on a very long road to recovery. My dentist had retired and his replacement was a lady who was more than just a dentist. She shared insights, thoughts and opinions with me that I found incredibly hard to understand she obtained from looking at my teeth! But, she did. I stopped smoking, because of some of her advice, on New Years day 2014 and haven't smoked since. I do use an ecig thing but I've not been smoking cigarettes.

My health has vastly improved.

I still sank further in to depression and suicide. I had emergency appointments with mental health teams and continuous doctors appointments. I took up 5HTP, multi-vitamins, reading about depression and suicide and coping strategies, I disappeared in to music, I caused havoc on the internet...

I was further targeted, repeatedly, by the Police for every single thing imaginable. Traffic stops were a regular occurrence.

I had a long winded and ultimately unsuccessful complaints process against both the Police and also the COPFS (Crown Office and Procurator Fiscals Service). Both are totally shut shops with their arses entirely covered.

I have no idea how (well, I do) but a second child was born in December 2014. A third, and final, was born in December 2016.

By 2016 I had turned a corner. My mental health was beginning to improve. I had found a new hobby which gave me exercise and a chance to be cosy with death. I had discovered white water Kayaking... I've progressed within this hobby reasonably well and now quite regularly go out at weekends and when granted other opportunities. It gets me in a position of power and control but ultimately without power and with no control. I skirt death at times and I am at ease.

The thing is... NOTHING can compare to the torment I experienced over those two years. I am left stripped of empathy. It's a theoretical thing which I can try to emulate but rarely feel and when I do have empathy it's overwhelming (which I suppose it darned well should be). People make massive deals of things which I view as immaterial inconveniences, others attempt to press the seriousness of the serious and I'm still lacking interest or true understanding. I'm relatively indifferent.

I'm still fatigued. Terribly fatigued. My mind is still exhausted. It works but it could be so much more if it was only given a period of quiet. I can't allow it to rest though as that's when the depression begins to gnaw away again. The unjustness creeps up. I crave revenge but know that I will never seek it. It's done. Truth and justice won out.

But... I've been left with the pieces. I've been left with the mess. I've been forced to get on with life as if nothing ever actually happened. I've been forced to attempt to act normal within social settings, somehow obscure the viciousness and vileness of humanity for the sake of others who have not experienced the horrors which human beings are supported in thrusting upon people at a whim.

I've seen various campaigns come and go. I've witnessed news stories that are biased nonsense. I try to keep quiet but sometimes I am unable...

7 years later... I'm still suffering. You don't walk out of court as a free person. You are catapulted out of the building so that they can begin processing the next mug with no care nor worry for you now that they are finished with you.

I would love to tell you guys that the roses smell beautiful but I live in reality. Whatever stage you may be at, it's going to be a long road of many ups and many downs. It's also going to be a very long road, one that forms part of the rest of your journey through life.

I appreciate that I've been left as a Super Moderator. I may not be worthy of the status due to my long periods of inactivity here BUT... I am always stopping by, it's just that I'm not much use. I've dug myself in and have some rage against the unjustness of the criminal justice system. These are likely not the values that you would want when trying to navigate through serious processes involving potential prison sentences... I do, however, from time to time, move a few threads to their correct locations and answer deletion requests. There may come a time when I am in the right place of mind to become a more active and contributing member and I look forward to that.

[Casehardened]

As always great to hear from old* friends especially as the forum is so quiet these days. I was wondering whether to bother repeating my usual Christmas wishes this year but with RF posting the other day and this update from yourself I will have to look around for a 'traditional' photo!

It is interesting that you mentioned that a new hobby has helped you pull through and progress; I was a working volunteer on a heritage railway when my life hit my particular 'buffer' and this saved my sanity especially as the vast majority of the other members offered support (my accuser had made a point of contacting most of them )

* Not 'old' in years obviously but the system took me back to the beginning of this thread and I was amazed to see that your first post was nine years ago! A decade in our lives changes us all; I certainly have and as a consequence am reluctant to post much as my responses are more factual nowadays rather than sympathetic and this can be off-putting to new members. However if a new poster has had no other replies I try to add a few words of welcome and perhaps a 'one-liner' of advice.

Keep on trucking...... (or kayaking!)