accused of rape

[sickasaparrot]

Hello everyone.

This is my first post (ever!) and it is with a heavy heart that I find myself here. Two weeks ago I was arrested and accused of raping a woman after a party. I was interviewed and bailed until the 5th December.
The woman in question is claiming that the sex was non consensual and that she was drunk and / or asleep! However I told police that we had spoken, her eyes were open and in fact this was all instigated by her.
This is the heavy heart bit - this is the first time that I have cheated on my wife and we've been together for over 17 years. I allowed myself to be 'seduced', for want of a better word, by this woman. Anyone who knows me will not even believe that I have unfaithful, let alone capable of rape. I have never been in any kind of trouble before.
I have gone through the whole range of emotions from anger, to despair. I have no appetite and sleep is broken. I cry every single day.

Any advice on how to cope with this trauma would be greatly appreciated!!

[RFLH]

Hi Sickasaparrot, if you've had a look at other posts you'll see that you're not the first and sadly you won't be the last - to find yourself in this predicament. I hope that your wife is forgiving enough to go through this with you - you will need all the support you can get.

There's not a lot you can be doing at this point. I would suggest that you write down every single moment of the evening as you remember it. Its not a nice thing to have to do, but you may remember something that will help you.

You've not mentioned if you had a solicitor with you when you were questioned.

As for handling the trauma - you'll find some days are better than others but it will be on your mind 24/7 - the knack is to not let it take over your life. Try and go out and do the things you normally would. It'll be hard, but you have to make the effort for your wellbeing.

[sickasaparrot]

Thanks RFLH, I think I have read almost every thread on the forum. Some seem to help whilst others fill me with dread, especially as this will ultimately come down to her word against mine.
My wife is amazing and is going throught this with me step by step. I have admitted my fault and apologised over and over. Obviously she is disappointed that I've let myself go alomg with this and so am I. One mistake and now this!!
I had the services of the duty solicitor when I was arrested, but I think I may like to request the services of a specialist in these matters.
Does anyone know if I should book an appointment before my bail date or am I best just waiting to see what happens?

[Saffron]

Hi Sickasaparrot and welcome

I'm glad you have told your wife. Her support will be invaluable.
My husband also had a moment of indiscretion similar to yours, and ended up in prison because of it. It's called "post-coital regret". Did the accuser have a partner? Maybe she had to explain her absence?
The best thing you can do is to try to think of a motive. As RFLH says, write down every tiny thing you can remember. You might find that some things come back to you at the unlikeliest of times, so keep a notebook and pen handy.
Yes, you should change to a specialist sol. Do it asap before it's too late, and definitely before your bail date. If you post up the county you live in (nothing more, no identifying details) someone here may be able to recommend a suitable sol. Unfortunately there is little a sol will be able to do until/unless you are charged, but it is good to have one on board.
I would also recommend that you see your GP. Your doctor will not be judgemental, and will be bound by the hippocratic oath, sos you can be assured of their absolute confidence. They may be able to refer you to a counsellor, or prescribe anti-depressants. Personally, I didn't take the anti-depressant route, but the counselling was a temporary relief. Whatever, if you can't eat and are crying every day then you need more help.
Your wife might find it helpful to join our forum too. Just a thought.
No doubt other will be along soon. In the meantime, welcome

[billykickass]

Hi mate.
Your situation is very similar to mine, so i guess you have probably already read my thread and the advice i have been given. So i will just say my thoughts are with you and i hope it all gets NFA'd for the both of us.

[sickasaparrot]

Thank you for the reply.

I actually think this may be a case of 'during' coital regret! Bizarrely whilst we were having intercourse and whilst she was looking up at me she suddenly said "I'm sorry - I thought you were someone else!".
This was the point that my whole world collapsed. I backed away immediately. I truly couldn't believe this after all that had just happened.
As I said in my first post she instigated every move!

I'm struggling to make sense of it all - I have so many questions!

Incidentally I'm in Merseyside, so if anyone knows of a good solicitor who specialises in this area then i'd greatly appreciate it.

[Rights Fighter]

I know of one brilliant solicitor in Merseyside but he no longer does trials on public funding due to the fact solicitors no longer get paid by the hour they work but by the case.

[sickasaparrot]

Thank you, Rights Fighter.

I have checked out the website and I know where that is. Definately worth considering!!
However, If I have to fund this privately does anyone have any kind of idea as to how much this would cost?

Sorry, but I have absolutely no idea about these things.

Feeling a little better now having got a few things off my chest. It really helps to have people around who have either been in this awful situation or can offer advice and support!

[NOHOPE]

i also am going through the same were my husband foolishly went to far with a woman she then cried sexual assault by penetration (his finger ) i think her motive was she got scared and knew my husband would tell me the lot and as i work with this woman she knew she could not just come to work the next day. pleasentell your wife to join the forum i would love to chat with her i am supporting my husband as i know never in a million yrs would he force himself on anyone but deep down the hurt feeling that he actually cheated is still there its very confusing. oh my husband was on bail for 3 weeks then they charged him he is at mag ciurt in nov for his plea which will be a big fat NOT GUILTY IN A MILLION YEARS

[sickasaparrot]

So sorry to hear about your situation, Monty.
I sincerely hope it all turns out well for you both.

I will mention this forum to my wife and see what she says - I have a feeling that she will be uncomfortable with my story now being in the public domain.

However, as I've said, it really does help talking to other people so thanks again for your post.

[Rugbystar]

Best bit of advice....back yourself, you know you have not rapped her...live your life as normal and dont let her win by effecting you!
easier said than done but back yourself...the truth and the right result will come!!

Keep the faith in the justice system...the police following routine at the moment they have the problem off having to treat every case the same in the early stages....you will be fine!!

[sickasaparrot]

new outlook

Just writing to let you know, I've made a conscious decision to not let this debacle affect my family life.

I have amazing children who are on half term next week. I need to stop wallowing in self-pity and enjoy every moment with them.

Over the past week I have looked at them and felt guilty for letting them down. I have, at times not felt fit to be their Dad!

However, this is not their fault. I must have faith now in the criminal justice system.

I know that there will be many ups and downs until my bail date.

At the moment I will not let her win!

[RFLH]

well done, you can't curl up in a corner and hope it'll all go away - it won't. Get fighting.

[Rights Fighter]

Thank you, Rights Fighter.

I have checked out the website and I know where that is. Definately worth considering!!
However, If I have to fund this privately does anyone have any kind of idea as to how much this would cost?

Sorry, but I have absolutely no idea about these things.

Feeling a little better now having got a few things off my chest. It really helps to have people around who have either been in this awful situation or can offer advice and support!

Ring them - I know they are a lot cheaper than many.

[NOHOPE]

so glad you are feeling more positive. we have our first meeting today with solicitor i hope its a good one but will be back on later to share anything he says.

keep fighting and we will stop these lying people winning.

i will not rest until i clear my husbands name even though court has not even started yet.