Other Half struggling and overwhelmed

[Peter1975]

Hi Batmother,

Sorry to hear about the charges, they always come as a shock even when you are expecting them.

I'm afraid I've forgotten more about Scottish law than I retain so anything I tell you may be worse than useless but in England and Wales, the preliminary hearings are basically administrative, deciding which court should hear the case depending on its seriousness (there is something called solemn procedure in Scotland), taking a plea from the defendant, deciding how many court days will be needed and setting a preliminary trial date. The trial is likely to be some time away so I wouldn't be too concerned about how prepared your solicitor seems to be at this stage. I dimly recall that Scotland used to have a rule that a trial must take place within 12 months of a petition being served, though this can be extended by the court.

Police investigations often leave a lot to be desired and you should discuss how to approach this with your solicitor, You may have cause to raise a complaint with the ombudsman at the end of your case if nothing else.

My best advice right now is to write down all of your questions so that you don't forget to ask anything at your next conference. One question I would ask is if it is worth you applying for legal aid and being declined as I was once told this made it easier to claim back some of the costs upon acquittal.

I'm sorry that I can't be more help but please keep us updated and come back any time if you need some words of encouragement. You're doing fine, keep going.

[Batmother]

Thank you Peter1975 for your reply and words of encouragement. I contacted the Scottish Legal Aid Board directly myself last year and asked them about being able to claim back money however they replied saying in so many words, not a chance, that doesn’t happen in Scotland if you are acquitted/found not guilty, but thanks for the suggestion.

Perhaps my situation might be helpful to someone else going through this madness if they are based in Scotland and if I post what is/has happened along the way.

I log onto the site here fairly frequently and still keep reading other people’s experiences even though I am sure there’s hardly an entry I haven’t read. You have no idea how much it helps/is a comfort. I hope it doesn’t close.

I will keep popping by and put on another update when I have something more ‘concrete’ again regarding my Husbands case.

Again, for anyone ‘Lurking’ out there who is struggling with the situation they find themselves in, try and pluck up the courage to post, you will find people who are willing to ‘lend an ear’ /bounce off of and save you from driving yourself mad with worry. I keep repeating to myself that worrying about the worst case scenario is exhausting, its not happened yet/reality so keep focussed and keep well as we will need all our strength to fight this.

[Peter1975]

Thank you Peter1975 for your reply and words of encouragement. I contacted the Scottish Legal Aid Board directly myself last year and asked them about being able to claim back money however they replied saying in so many words, not a chance, that doesn’t happen in Scotland if you are acquitted/found not guilty, but thanks for the suggestion.

Well, that's outrageous, I know there are a couple of old members that managed to recover some of their costs, paid at much lower legal aid rates roughly a fifth of the total and dependent on the trial judge granting a costs order iirc and I thought that was bad enough. but that really is an insult. It's been dubbed the innocence tax and is clearly unfair but if that's how it is there is little point dwelling on it, though I would still double check with the lawyer if it were me.

Perhaps my situation might be helpful to someone else going through this madness if they are based in Scotland and if I post what is/has happened along the way.

I log onto the site here fairly frequently and still keep reading other people’s experiences even though I am sure there’s hardly an entry I haven’t read. You have no idea how much it helps/is a comfort. I hope it doesn’t close.

Yes indeed, although I can't guarantee that many will read your posts, I always take the view that if they help just one person just a little then it is worth the typing.

I believe DM is the oldest FA forum on the internet, along with Helga Speck's excellent PAFAA and I have argued that many of our old posts are valuable and should be preserved for the reasons you have given, even if some of the information in them has become out of date. There have been many brilliant members over the years and it's sad to think all of their wise, insightful contributions could be lost. I don't really understand why people seem to prefer the facebook groups over an anonymous forum but times change I suppose. Another possible reason for low traffic is that last I checked, support groups in general have been buried under 5 pages of legal firms advertising their services in a google search, making us more difficult to find.

I keep repeating to myself that worrying about the worst case scenario is exhausting, its not happened yet/reality so keep focussed and keep well as we will need all our strength to fight this.

This is good advice, make sure you follow it. The often repeated phrase hope for the best but prepare for the worst holds true but it's perhaps better expressed as prepare for everything, and you will find that there is plenty of time to do just that so there is no need to feel guilty about taking time off to de-stress from it all. There are also things that are within your control,, just knowing where to park near the court may seem trivial but it unnecessarily adds to the stress if you wing it and end up cutting it fine like I did! Find somewhere nice for lunch other than the court canteen, treat yourself to a bit of shopping if you get out early, Be kind to yourselves and each other. it all helps.

[Batmother]

A small update to my/our situation. My Husbands pre trial hearing was adjourned in June as the Crown ‘needed more time’ apparently trying to chase up his work record, we were then given another pre trial case management hearing date, but a few days before it was suppose to start we were told once again that it was adjourned, the Crown asked for yet another extension.

As you can imagine we are ‘wrung out’ with this, the worry and build up only for things to stall twice now. Maybe I am clutching at straws but I wonder if this means the prosecutor is struggling a bit with the case? Without giving too much away, one of them made a statement that involved multiple people being ‘witness’ to one of the incidents/subjected to alleged criminality but it seems the Police didn’t bother ‘investigating’/tracing these others, which beggars belief, and none are mentioned as witnesses for the Crown (so far). Surely any sane person would have made every effort to find these ‘others’…as I might have mentioned before our lawyer has said ‘they don’t have a very good case’ and ‘there are so many holes in their stories’.

Just to finish on a small rant. It’s unbearable, having this hanging over the Family, the delays are like someone saying to you ‘your going to the firing squad in the morning’ tomorrow comes and they cancel, then do it again but set yet another date.

He has a Big Birthday coming up and we cannot make any plans/holidays. Other family celebrations have been affected and other times we,ve had to decline invites.

My fear is what if something happens to him and this doesn’t get to court before that and he ‘passes’ never being able to have the chance to clear his name/hear exactly the utter lies they have made up about him

We need our lives back, we are just existing..

[Batmother]

Ps. And just to add, regarding the affect it is having on him, he is under the care of a consultant (before any of this kicked off) who thought he had had a stroke at some point the other month there due to a list of symptoms he was displaying and describing but after scans/tests and further chats it turns out the stress of this has been the cause.

Again all this worried us greatly when they first uttered the words ‘we think you have had a stroke’…..the strain of this is off the scale

[Peter1975]

Thanks for the update Batmother,

I'm afraid that delays are commonplace north and south of the border. I think I read of a case in England recently being listed for trial in 2029 for an offence allegedly committed in 2021 so there are many that share your frustration with a system that has little to no regard for defendants. It's appalling.

It's pretty unusual for a sexual offence to be committed in front of 25 witnesses but far less unusual for police not to follow up. The sceptic in me doesn't think this is incompetence. If they contacted the first witness and they contradicted the complainer, they would have to disclose that to the defence. In cases with multiple eyewitnesses where actual offences have occurred, police will often get multiple differing accounts and the confusion can be helpful to the defence.

I'm sorry that your OH is struggling with the stress of it all. It can't be avoided but I will stress again the importance of finding a way to forget about it all and just making life feel normal again for a while. I found jigsaw puzzles to be quite absorbing for some reason. You can laugh but I think even a hour without the case interrupting my thoughts helped me keep my sanity.

I can understand you wanting this to be over or at least having a trial date and I know the anticipation is unbearable and feels like punishment in itself but you can and you will bear it. Everybody finds reserves of strength they didn't think they had and everybody makes it out the other side. You've done great so far. Keep going.

[Batmother]

Thank you Peter1975 for sharing your thoughts again on our situation. Getting another view/perspective from someone who is ‘outside’ of the Family is really invaluable especially as you have also been through this kind of hellishness before and have survived/thrived in spite of it and still continue to assist others and for this we are hugely grateful. I Will update again in around 8 weeks time when the Pre Trial Case Management hearing should be finished.

Thank you again.

To anyone reading this who is going through the same hell, I wish you strength and stamina to keep ploughing on.

[Batmother]

Hello Folks. Just checking in with another update. We have just been made aware that my Husbands pre trial case management hearing will be adjourned yet again, this will be the 3rd time.

Apparently the Prosecution are still not ready to go to trial and are still trying to get records linked to my Husbands employment. I tried to get these in 2023, my Son tried also in 2024 and now since June this year the Crown have been trying to get them. I was told by my Husbands ex employer that the records do not go back that far( it’s an accusation from 2014) so I am wondering why the COPFS keeping adjourning it regarding info that just isn’t there.

As you can imagine the stress since the tail end of 2023 is utter torture. I think I’ve mentioned before my other half is so traumatised by the accusations that his consultant thought he had had a stroke.

We are in permanent purgatory, although his solicitor did say it might not feel like it but this delay is actually a good thing. He might see it this way but for us it’s like getting taken to an execution only to be told it’s postponed again and again and we are living on our nerves and anti depressants and drinking too much trying to wrestle with the constant anxiety we both have and our family.

I sometimes think people in the legal profession forget there are actual real life’s being crippled/stifled with their delays and adjournments.

I can see this dragging into 2026 and I don’t know how we will manage to suffer this but I know we will somehow because we have to.

[Casehardened]

Good to hear from you but so disappointed that you are still in the same position...it does sound like the COPFS (I'm assuming that this is the Scottish equivalent to the CPS?) don't know how to proceed so keep adjourning the proceedings. The obvious answer is that they shouldn't have taken it on in the first place but I guess they were/are driven by the same political pressures as this side of the border!

These delays are obviously difficult to cope with but I'm with your solicitor that if it was a sound case it would have been top of the court lists on the basis of 'do the easy jobs first'.

Can't come up with a coping strategy but I still remember years ago, when I was in your husband's position, going out for a drive to get out from the four walls and parking next to a field of pigs being fattened for slaughter and thinking that at least I was in a better situation than any of those.....

[Batmother]

Thank you Casehardened for your reply. The COPFS is indeed the equivalent of the CPS. You have also hit the nail on the head re your comment about it being ‘politics’.

I don’t want to say too much but we have been made aware that the Prosecutor who has the case isn’t keen to run with it, our lawyer thinks there may be ‘pressure’ from higher up the chain to put it to trial and let someone else ‘dispense’ with the case…..just wish they would consider poor sods like us dangling in perpetual Hell and the thousands it’s cost us so far.

I notice too the amount of visitor to this site was at a record high in July, all very worrying to see…

[Batmother]

…..The Prosecution officially asked for an adjournment, they have been given another 3 months…..mid Dec now for the pre trial case management hearing…..and so it goes on and on……

[Peter1975]

Nice to hear from you Batmother although I'm sorry to hear of the delays and that you are understandably gloomy about the situation.

As frustrating as it is, there is nothing you can do about it except try and think positively. A case management hearing isn't much to worry about so you can try and look forward to Christmas. Perhaps you could agree not to talk or try to not even think about it over the festive period, give yourselves a little holiday from the stress.

As difficult as it is, you must remember that there are always reasons to remain positive. I'll list a few.

1) You are doing all you can and that counts for a lot. Members that are proactive in their defence tend to find the support groups early on and have a much higher rate of success at trial. It's the proactive part that is most important.

2) You're not waiting for an execution (although I know the feeling you are describing) you are waiting for a trial where your OH will have a chance to stand up tall, look the jury in the eye and finally have his say and, just as importantly, come across as the kind, ordinary guy he is and not the monster the prosecution will inevitably try to paint him as.

3) You have lots of time to prepare. Don't underestimate this. Thinking and rethinking your strategies and how you might respond to different questions or provocations and how an impartial jury might perceive them can be invaluable. Some people recommend attending a trial so you have a better idea of what to expect. It's certainly nothing like you usually see on TV.

4) You've got time to try and do normal things and enjoy life. Not easy this, I know, but whether you leave the courtroom triumphant or if things go horribly wrong, you're going to resent how much of your life was stolen from you just waiting for the wheels of justice to turn and you'll regret even more the things you could have done but didn't. I think sometimes the process is designed to grind you down and you just have to do all you can to steel yourself against it. Even a short walk will release a bit of Dopamine to help keep you going.

5) Your OH is innocent. While that is no guarantee of a just outcome, it still counts for a lot. He only needs to tell the truth.

6) You've done a great job so far. Just keep going.

[Peter1975]

As an aside, I did note the unusually high visitor numbers a while ago and I suspect this is down to AI bots 'scraping' the site for their algorithms rather than actual human beings.

[Batmother]

Thank you so much Peter1975 for your words of encouragement. All sensible advice and means the world to me that people on this forum take the time to offer their thoughts/experience(s), I don’t feel so alone.

[Batmother]

Well at last some movement. OH had his pre trial case management hearing and The Procurator Fiscal has set a date, 2nd February 2026 .

We were not impressed as our lawyer was on holiday and the head of the firm was representing my OH and seemed to know next to nothing about much of my Husbands case

I had to scramble at the last minute retrieving emails/details the ‘stand in’ lawyer asked for just as my Husband was to appear in front of of the Sheriff

There was also a reporter in the court so no doubt we will be in the local ‘rag’ any time soon knowing our luck.

There are also various paedophile Hunting Facebook groups where we are, so I am dreading a crowd gathering at my house before, during or God forbid he’s convicted after the trial. They hound people out of their homes/smash windows etc.

The only positive I can draw on is that the end is definitely in sight for a line being drawn under this either way.

If it goes ahead when it’s scheduled to, then it will be 2 years and 4 months since we got the dreaded ‘Knock’ at the door that kicked this all off.