10 years and finally admitted I need help

[MGR]

Woo this feels tough. Having read someone's story on here just now, I feel like I'm whinging about nothing. It doesn't feel like nothing though.

Nearly 10 years ago I was grabbed in the street by a man wearing a balaclava, tied up and raped. I still find it hard to say the word 'rape'.

I've always been an overachiever and I wanted to handle it, to be in control, to be able to cope and not be 'weak'. I had counselling immediately and I just spent the time trying to prove to the counsellor how in control I was. For years I tried to put it out of my mind what happened, even when he did it again to other women. I even tried hypnotherapy to forget.

A few months ago after stresses at work, things started to go downhill. I blamed my job and moved jobs to another site. Now it feels like my life has fallen apart. I'm off work sick, I've been self harming, I can't stop crying, I've started anti-depressants but I just don't want to live if I have to live with this feeling every day of my life. I've given up alcohol due to the antidepressants I'm on and realised just how much I was drinking just to not think about it anymore.

[bellygoddess]

hello

Hi,I was raped about ten years agio too,but in different circumstances,and I repressed it for ten years until about a year ago,when the memories came back.I understand what hell you must be going through.Ive mostly come out the other side now,but i know and have accepted that i'll never forget,which for me was the hardest thing.But it WILL get better,you WILL get stronger.I nearly had a nervous breakdown at the shock when i remembered.But one thing ive learnt it that memories are in the past,they cannot hurt you now,as he cannot hurt you now.I know its so hard to believe that,but it is not happening now,now YOU have the power to change things.It does take a long time,and a grieving for what you have lost,but you will get there.If you ever want to talk to someone,you can email me.I wont put it in here as i dont want the world to see it.But let me know.It is so very hard to talk about,as i know i felt ashamed of what happened to me.But its NOT our fault.I have had some people react badly and blame me for what happened.But i know that HE was the one who raped me.No matter what you wore at the time,or whatever you did or didnt do,the choice was his,not yours.I dont feel ashamed of being raped now,as it says nothing about me as a person,and ive only realised this after a year of working on myself.I wish you all the luck in the world.xx