Confused memories

[Music lady]

I hope it's ok to post this here. Apologies if it isn't.

I'm just struggling to get my head round a memory that came back today.

I've always believed that I used to go to church every Sunday until I started having to work weekends. The thing is, I used to go camping every weekend, so how could I go to church if I wasn't in the area? I just feel confused as to why I would remember going to church, when I didn't. I obviously can't be in 2 places at the same time.

I'm having trouble even trying to explain this. Just can't find the words. I shall try writing this while listening to music.

I've always thought I could remember going to church until I started work. Today I remembered that my family started camping every weekend, so I could no longer go to church. I then stopped camping because I met my now husband, and I had to work some weekends. After my friend died, and then my ex, my memories aren't clear, except when I met hubby. I've always thought that the memories I can remember, before my friend died were clear. I thought it was just childhood memories that were foggy, but apparently not.

Has anybody else had this?

Thanks in advance

ML

[welshgirl]

Yes, I can see how this would be confusing for you Music Lady.

Maybe bring this up with your therapist next time you see her, she could probably give you some insight on this.

I find it strange that I have hardly any memories from young at all! One memory of my father bathing me, and me not liking it. But I don't know why. He wasn't the type of father to have any hands on care with us or be interested in us at all. So bit weird, my mother was out too. I told her never to let it happen again, she still says about it to this day, thinks it funny that I would come out with that. But is it me or weird or what? My brother has recently admitted to me that he suffered physical abuse, at my fathers hands. His wife hinted that it was worse than that too. Hard to talk about as we don't discuss emotion as a family really.

My memory in the present is pretty bad too. Whether that's cus I block stuff out I don't know. I think it's all the E's I used to take years ago while clubbing, the wine prob don't help either!

Hoping you get some answers, let me know how you get on x x x

[myhome]

Hi ML - this must be confusing for you....was it EVERY weekend you went church/camping - or just some of them? Sometimes stress does strange things to our brail systems.....
Welshgirl has given good advice when she has advised you talking it over with your counsellor. MH

[Music lady]

Hi MH and WG, thanks for your replies. They're very much appreciated.

I went camping every weekend. I can remember my family being introduced to camping when I was about 12 by friends of my parents. I can't remember if it became a regular thing then or if it was later, but I think that by the time I was about 14, we were going camping every weekend.

I can't remember stopping the church group. I can remember sitting with one of the lads in a church room on our own, just talking. He then put his hand on my leg, and I felt really uncomfortable. I can remember pushing his hand away and leaving the room. I didn't want to be on my own with him after that. I can remember other times I didn't like being touched, or if a member of the opposite sex would stand too close, I'd feel uncomfortable. I've always thought my dislike to being touched stemmed from my ex, but I guess there could be more to it than that.

WG, sorry if I've asked this before, but have you got a counsellor? I think it may be worth talking to a professional about what you've been through. It does seem weird about your dad. You're not alone.

ML

[welshgirl]

Hey ML,

Yes, it seems as if there are things that made you feel uncomfortable (rightly so) before that creep of an ex was on the scene. Certainly worth investigating I feel. It's amazing how the mind tries to 'forget' to protect, but I guess underlying things are always there!

In answer to your question, no I haven't yet! But I have appt booked for next week......scared though! Of what I don't know!

Hope your well

[Music lady]

Hi WG, well done for booking your first appointment. That takes a lot of strength and courage to accept you need help.

I found making the first appointment the hardest step.

I've found you can't force the memories to come. They only come back when you're ready to deal with them. I've found that my counsellor helps me to be able to cope. I would recommend keeping a journal. Sometimes, things have come back, and they've gone round and round in my head. To stop them going round and round, I've found writing helps. I can then take it to my counsellor, and read it to her, and I leave feeling better.

Try and be honest with your counsellor when you see them about how you're feeling. They can then help you to feel better. You can PM me or post here as well. I find having the online support as well as my counsellor seems to work well.

Good luck, I hope it goes well. Feel free to ask any questions, I'm happy to help. You don't have to go through this alone.

ML

[welshgirl]

Hey Music Lady,

Thanks for your good advice, as always

Yes, it is hard, making the appointment. Be even harder going I feel! Not sure whether to tell partner or not as know he won't approve if it helps then great but still bit unsure at the mo! I did see someone before, I went about 5 or 6 times and couldn't say much to be honest. He still said I was 'damaged' even though I hadn't really told him anything lol. He was the one sat there in make up wanting to 'change' I was open minded about that! Trust me lol

Good idea keeping a journal. I have been thinking about starting one recently. Glad it helps you to sort everything out

[Music lady]

Hi WG, I don't think you're damaged at all. I can't see how telling you you're damaged, helps you.

Sometimes, it can take a while to find a counsellor you feel safe with. I think it's well worth searching for the 'right' councellor.

Good luck, I hope you feel safe with this one.

ML

[welshgirl]

Thank you Music Lady, I agree! He didn't help at all. More if a hindrance to be honest!!

Hope so, but not expecting much tbh. Keep you posted x

[myhome]

I agree - if counselling or any of the talking therapies are going to work, you HAVE to have a therapist with whom you can build a positive, therapeutic relationship....persevere - because it will be worth it in the end - though painful in the journey...

[welshgirl]

Yes agreed Myhome wise words as usual, thank you

I hope that your feeling a bit brighter now?

[Music lady]

My life is starting to feel like a train journey to an unknown destination. The emergency brake has long since been removed, so I know there's no going back now. I can't jump off the train because this journey's happening regardless, and I'll be on my own without a Guide in an unknown place. I can't end it because it would mess my children up, plus my faith won't allow it. Besides that, if I end it now, what was the point of surviving through all of the struggles? The only option now is to just go with it and pray that I won't mess up what I've worked so hard to get.

Just hope that I've made the right choice in starting this.

[myhome]

hi hon - you have made the right choice - it's just a very difficult and emotional journey. If you hadn't started it you would never be able to move forward and get this thing out of your life - and it would always be there gnawing away at your confidence and peace......hang in there babes