Not sure what to think

[LouLou93]

Hi, I was in a situation roughly 3 months ago in a building that had only one exit, the lights were turned off and we were the only two people there. As I tried to leave the building, he grabbed me from behind and started kissing my neck. I told him he shouldn't be doing it and moved away and he just responded I know, following me out the door. He then stood in front of the exit and grabbed me again, he was in my face and was very intimidating. I kissed him back to get him out of my face. I know kissing him back was wrong but I felt like I had no choice. He then started trying to undo my trousers and i told him no, he stopped for a second but then moved onto my top. He was pushing and pushing, trying different things and trying any way possible to get my clothes off. I told him he shouldnt be doing it again and he then started undoing my clothes again. It got to the point where i just gave in and let him do what he wanted. I laid on the floor while he had rough sex with me and then i got up and left. Have I been raped as i did not consent to sleep with him or is it my own fault?

Advice please
Thanks

[LouLou93]

Someone comment please, I just need some reassurance

[LouLou93]

I should also add, the building i was in was a TA centre. The doors should all have been locked meaning that he would not be able to take me back inside. He has already broken 2 rules 1/ for reentering the building after hours and 2/ having sexual contact in the TA building. I know i shouldnt have gone back in the building with him but he told me he was going to help me with some admin work which i was worried about.

[Music lady]

Hi loulou, Welcome to the site. So sorry you've been through this.

I think that as you'd told him no, and tried to push him away, I think it was rape. As you said, you didn't consent to this. What he did to you wasn't in any way your fault. You told him no.

I shall try and come back later to comment further.

You're not alone, we're all here for you. Try and be kind to yourself. if ok.

[LouLou93]

I didn't push him away, I just froze and lay there, letting him do it. I thought to myself, theres no point in me yelling because theres nobody else here to hear me, I cant get out because hes stood in front of the only door that is open and I dont know what would happen if i used force on him as ive never seen him angry/agressive before. I just feel like im to blame.
I've reported it to the police and they told me they couldnt prove it was rape as I didnt use force. The army have also been involved but they have basically hidden the fact it has happened as they dont want a soldier getting into trouble. I am thinking of going to see a solicitor as i dont feel as if the army have done everything they could. They have not interviewed me or even looked into the case

I dont know what to do

[Music lady]

Still not your fault.

So sorry for what the police have said. I would try and get some counselling to help you through this. You need support. Have you got family or friends that can support you through this?

Here if you need me. Take care

[LouLou93]

I feel like its my fault. The same guy did a similar thing to be last year. I was on a night out and he was coming out to meet me. I got spiked in a bar and was a complete mess. He did not take me home, he chose to take me to the same building and had sex with me which I have no idea about. I have certain scenes I can remember of the night but I was completely out of it. I could not walk or talk, I was vomiting everywhere, I just had no way of stopping him. Because of this, I should have known not to be on my own with him again. I must trust people too easily.

All these factors make me think its my own fault.

I'm seeing a guy at the moment who knows all about it and he is the person who has decided I need to go to a solicitor. I just feel lost and confused at the moment.

[LouLou93]

I dont know the difference between the facts and me blaming myself anymore. Every time I think about it i just think that he did that because i must have done... or He only did that because i did....
I just feel completely lost and depressed. I even started scratching my skin with scissors last night. I just don't know what to do with myself. The fact the police have decided that 'nothing happened' and the army are trying to hide the fact anything even happened so they dont have to deal with it makes me think me attempting to get solicitors involved is pointless. Nobody believes me so whats the point.

[welshgirl]

LouLou93 so sorry to hear about your experiences, truly awful and this horrible man has taken advantage of you for sure. Please try to get all the help you can as these thoughts do not go away on their own. I had bad experiences at 17 and 20 (and later on again) and I am 33 now and still struggling to make sense of it all. I attempted suicide at 20 and still have these feelings now sometimes, I drink too much and it has caused havoc with my current partner who is an angel to put up with me. So please try to sort it sooner rather than later and don't let him ruin your life. I can identify with a lot of what you have said wondering if it is rape or not and worrying about the use of force an feeling like you are "letting them" do it even though you do not want it. I am relatively new on here too and please feel free to msg me anytime. Sending you my best wishes Welshgirl x

[LouLou93]

I'm sorry you are having problems too and I am glad that you have such a lovely husband to support you. I'm worried because I know the solicitor is going to want to know if it was definitely rape or not. I dont know what it was anymore because both the police and the army have let me down so i have started telling myself that it was my fault and he did nothing wrong. Just not sure what to do next.

[welshgirl]

I know how you feel the confusion is awful and feeling like your to blame. Think about counselling as this will help a great deal in sorting it out in your head, as I have been advised by others on here who have been through the process. I have just phoned the GP this morning to try to sort something out. It is scary but when you are that low that you feel like hurting yourself then something needs to be done. Please don't try self-harming again and try and get some help sooner rather than later. Your partner sounds like he is providing you with some support but please seek professional help and don't leave it eat away at you like I did. Take care of yourself WG x

[LouLou93]

Thank you. I hope everything gets sorted with you. It sounds like you're heading the right way.
Take Care x

[welshgirl]

thank you hun x