Relationships since rape

[emy2005]

It?s almost been two years since I was raped by my best friend in the world. His name was Geoff and for four years of my life he was a father figure. I felt the need for him and Frank in my life due to a weak relationship with my mum. Geoff was in his late 40?s when he raped me and Frank is now 51 (although Frank never did anything).
10 days after the rape I got with one of my friends, Rob. We started seeing each other before hand so really it was all happening all the time we were together. I was on my way to see Rob when Geoff raped me down a dirt track. Rob and I were together for almost 2 years, he went through everything with me. This included police, threatening voicemails, a court case held on the other side of the country (which he attended for emotional support), sentencing plus a letter from prison. He also backed me up on my counselling appointments and psychology appointments. This isn?t to forget the emotional support and the sexual side of things. We broke up nearly 2 months ago; after I found out he had been cheating on me for 4 months. Since then we haven?t even spoken, not even when we have both been online. After he knows so much about me, I?m scared of how much he knows. But I don?t know exactly know what I?m scared of. May be its just that Geoff knew a lot about me but it could be something else.
The fact Rob cheated on me, just makes it worse because he is another one who has betrayed me. I put so much trust in him and it was so hard to trust him to begin with after what Geoff did. It just kicked my doubts in the male species further.
As far as sex goes after the rape, Rob and I were together 9 months before we ended up having sex. No matter how we did it, flashbacks still appeared. Even when we just kissed, Geoff?s face still appeared. Even a hug or holding hands Geoff appeared in my mind, or I could feel Geoff?s touch or even feel him pumping in and out of me.
For a week I was devastated about Rob and me, but things began to get into place. Things improved with my family and my family relationships seemed to kind of come together. My counsellors and psychologist saw a definite difference in me. They said they have never seen me so radiant when they had felt all their work would have gone to waste as I crawled back to step one after I had lost the biggest rock of support.
A week after I went to a party and met a guy called Dave. I have only had one source of male attention since the rape which was rob. But we were dancing in a group and suddenly I had his arms round my waist but the weird thing was for the first time since the rape, I could let a guy put his arms round me without feeling Geoff with his arm round me. I could get close to him without feeling dirty.
That night I slept with him on the sofa and he held me all night. He didn?t try anything on and respected me as a person. This gave me a boost of confidence as far as males are concerned. During the time Rob had been cheating on me with his ginger tart, he still requested that I had sex with him, even though he knew how hard it was for me. Don?t get me wrong Rob never pressurised me into sex in fact he was extremely patient. But I felt it was something I needed to do to show him how much I loved him. Every time I kissed Rob, every hug, every kiss, every hand touch, every sexual thing all came back to him (Geoff). Every day there were flashbacks of that end of April lunchtime.
The first time Dave and I kissed, not a single thought of Geoff came into my mind. In fact I only thought about it afterwards, the fact that I hadn?t thought about it during it. It was like the whole world just stopped while we kissed and there wasn?t a room full of people dancing. Dave and I started seeing each other and we?ve been together just over a week. Rob got with his ginger tart 4 days after our intimate two year relationship was over! At the party I didn?t want someone new, I didn?t want a new relationship, it just happened, it all happened so naturally!
One thing that was strange in Rob and my relationship was that we never went out? I think we went out 4 times in the 2 years we were together and twice I paid for him for the cinema. Not once did he take me out or make me feel special. We stayed in and 90% of the time talked about what happened to me, Geoff and what he did to others. I think this was what created my depression the fact I only saw 2 lots of four walls with Rob and I was stuck there! The fact all that was ever discussed was how I was feeling or what he put me through. As soon as Rob and I were over I felt a lot freer. I could go out and enjoy myself without feeling I was the belongings of someone else. Everyone remarked on how much better I looked and I felt much better too.
I wondered if other rape victims felt the need to be with someone because 10 days after the rape I got with Rob and probably didn?t give myself enough time to get over what had actually happened to me. Then 5 weeks after Rob and I broke up I got with Dave? seems to be a pattern and just wondered if anyone else has experienced it and weather anyone knows why I do this.
Also last Saturday Dave and I slept together (as in sleeping next to each other) for like the 4th time. But this time was different we were a couple and I don?t know things seemed right, nothing much happened. He felt me up and I felt him up, I stroked him through his boxers and he stroked me through my knickers. I lay on top of him and kissed him a lot; it felt good because I was in control. In my relationship with Rob I never wanted to do the sexy stuff but now it seems it?s what I really want to do when it used to be something I loathed. Why is that do you think? Should I wait a while or should that not affect the way he thinks about me?
I have to admit I had a flashback and I asked him if he were okay and he said yeah then he asked me if I were okay and I didn?t answer. He said tell me what?s wrong and I didn?t answer but it was good because he didn?t pressurise me into saying what?s wrong and left it there. I am in two minds about the whole thing firstly do I tell him so he understands if I freeze during sexy stuff and so he understands what I went through. After all it has been a big part of my life and almost feels like I?m hiding a major part of my life. Or secondly do I not tell him so I can have a fresh sheet and so I don?t have to explain what happened to someone new. Our relationship is in early days but I can see it being a winner but do I tell him and if I do how and when do I tell him? What do I tell him? Can anyone give me advice on this? I know it all depends on how I feel and depends on the individual etc but I could really do with some help on this.

[diana_holbourn]

I'm glad you're not depressed any more and that things seem to be going better, and that Dave seems respectful and you're happier with him.

It would be very difficult to know whether you should tell him, because people react differently, as you say.

But there are a few things you could maybe consider when making your decision, like:

Knowing what you know about him, if you tell him a little about it but don't want to tell him any more, how likely might he be to try to pry into things you'd rather not tell him?

Is it possible that raising the whole issue again will bring on your depression again?

Has he said or done anything that makes you hopeful that he's more trustworthy than the others? If so, what? You could try and make a list.

Could you cope if you told him and he reacted badly?

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One problem is that if you start worrying about whether you might have flashbacks, the worry will make you more anxious, and so you could be more likely to have them. So it might help if you reassure yourself about how different things are with him if you catch yourself beginning to worry.

And if you do tell him, maybe it would be best not to go into too much detail at first. Perhaps you could just give him a very basic outline at first and see how he reacts, and let him know you prefer not to talk about it too much because it depresses you, and you now want to get on with living.

And maybe the best way of telling him would be to reassure him after you do that there are things he can do to comfort you if you have flashbacks, and to tell him what's best for you, like being in a position where you feel you can control things. Some people find that it helps if they tell their partner beforehand that they'll let them know if they're having a flashback, and their partner stops for a while if they do and turns the light on, or talks to them, encouraging them to look at them and touch their face, to remind them it's only their partner they're with. It can help if the partner says loving words several times during the encounter, to keep the person's mind focused on the present, to make it less likely they'll start having a flashback. And another thing that can help is if you ask him not to do anything that makes you feel less in control because you feel as if you're being restrained.

Also, if you're concerned you might have flashbacks again, it might be better to build up to things slowly than to go too far at once and then get disheartened if you have one. That's at least one thing to bear in mind.

[Unregistered]

advice

i think that you should tell the guy your with at the right time though, dont make it out of ordinary let him know. becuz if you hide it from him i dont think it will make u feel like he understands you. I was raped and i told my boyfriend when i got with him. He took it kinda hard and reacted different. But now that he understands my pain and stuff and what i went through he has accepted me in many ways. Just to put it this way the truth comes out sooner or later, so why not explain to him that it happened but you dont want this issue to be brought up after you tell him because it might bring back it the more you talk about it. I kno because at first i wasnt sure if i was raped i reacted like everything was fine since i was under the influence of a drug. but i know i did say no and repeated that i was in pain and nothin happened. So i knew since i cudnt do anything i jus layed there since i was confused,angry,sad, scared. My boyfriend does at times bring it up to me and sometimes makes it seem like its my fault. But once i told him about it i think he understands me a lot more. It has helped us come closer as a couple. And i am glad i told him because i cud not hold that in from him. I felt like i had to tell him because if i didnt he might have found out later on. I think you should take the time to tell him and maybe he will understand if he is a good guy. best of luck to you. Holding it in isnt going to help. Its best if your new realtionship significant other knows about your past so maybe he can understand you. So i am just saying its your choice and all but i told my boyfriend and we been together for a year now. im sorry 2 hear about your pain i been going through nightmares and flashbacks.