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Hello,
This is the first time I have written on a forum like this, but I hope it will help me in my current attempt to heal. I feel that I need to be able to talk about what has happened to me without worrying about the reactions of friends and family and the awkwardness of bringing up the subject. I have been looking for support groups in my area, but there don't seam to be any, so I hope that typing will be as cathartic.
I'm finding it hard to start even now and I don't have to even say the words out load. Ok. When I was 16 I started my first relationship. He didn't live locally, but we saw each other most weekends. We went out for 2 years. During that time he broke up with me several times. Each time I was upset but accepted it and then he would beg me to take him back. Sometime he would say upsetting things to me and would make me feel bad about myself. Although we would socialise with my friends, he never wanted to do anything with his friends. he claimed that he didn't trust them with me! Any way, the summer before we went to university we went on holiday with his parents and I got to see the real him. He had tantrums when he could use the bikes because his brothers were using them, when I beet him at cards he would throw them across the room in a strop and when I offered to help him make omelette because the pans were old and sticking, he almost hit me. That holiday made me certain that I had to end things.
I broke up with him while at university and I was happy and having fun. However, he started calling me and he would be in tears saying I had ruined his life, he'd only chosen the university he was at so that he could be near by and that he wasn't making any friends because he was so sad all the time. This all made me feel really guilty but I didn't want him back.
Me and my friends had been having a new year’s party at our friend's house every year since we were 16 and we continued the tradition after we had gone away to university, but my ex invited himself along as he had been the previous years and I felt sorry for him. Throughout the night I tried to treat him like any other friend. I tried to make it clear to him that I still didn't want a relationship by chatted to him about guys I'd met at uni and encouraging him to approach other girls. At the party I got drunker than I ever had done before and looking back I now realise that my ex was mixing most of my drinks. I was so drunk I was sick, but afterwards I felt much better. It wasn't an all night party so at some point everyone started going off to bed or camping down with sleeping bags in the living room. Me and my ex were both in the living room, with other people. As everyone was nodding off he tried to kiss me, but I told him to stop. He got upset and disappeared. I found him sat on the stairs. We chatted for a bit but he was upset and said he wanted to go somewhere else as he was embarrassed about anyone seeing him cry. We went up to one of the top rooms in the house that no one was sleeping in. I remember the room was empty except for a papier mache giraffe. I still don't have a full memory of what happened next, even 15 years later, but I remember the sensation of being pinned down unable to move, I have a snapshot memory of the look of pure hatred on his face when he was on top of me and him saying "I bet xxx likes it like this" and a feeling of screaming no inside my head.
I had no memory of being raped at all until about 6 months after the event when I slept with someone I had started to date. It was like being hit by something and suddenly it came rushing back and I remembered I had been raped even though I couldn't remember much of the incident. I was devastated and became depressed. I found it hard to sleep and when I did I was haunted by nightmares. I imagined that I saw my ex everywhere I went and I was on a constant state of alert. My boyfriend of the time, who was the only person who knew about it, finally said he had had enough and I needed to get help or he didn't want to see me any more. I remember trying to get help through a few places but ended up at the university counselling service. They explained that I hadn't remembered the rape and still only had fragmented memory of it because I was suffering post traumatic stress. I found the sessions really difficult. After some persuading I told my mum about what had happened. She hugged me but we didn't talk about it again after that. I stopped going to see the counsellor because I felt that I was just feeling worse. I continued to struggle on and off thought university and got really bad one summer to the point where I thought I was going mad and thought constantly about killing myself but couldn't bear to hurt my family like that. I ended up confiding in a friend who took me to rape crisis and they really helped me find the right counselling and with time I felt a lot better.
Since then I periodically have periods of feeling fine and not thinking about it and then being triggered by something and ending up feeling full of emotions that need to escape but have no where to go. I often feel really alone and unable to talk to people about how I feel. I am tearful or feeling like I am putting on a mask to get by and pretend I am fine. I am married now with a 2 year old which is lovely and stressful, but I feel that I need to really try and do something to "fix myself". I don't want my emotions to damage my relationship with my husband and son. I am seeing a counsellor again now and it helps, but I still feel alone and the rape feels like a big secret I am hiding from everyone. So that is why I am on here.
I feel like I need to find ways to let out my anger and sadness, but don't always know how. I still question if anything happened especially as my brain is still protecting me from the memory of it. It is like an itch I can't scratch or a bruise I need to poke. Part of me doesn't want to remember what happened if it is that bad my brain shut down, but part of me does want to know what happened so that I can know it really happened and deal with it. I find that whenever I see my counsellor or do something to actively release some of my pent up emotions that I am physically and emotionally exhausted afterwards, and most of the time I don't have time for this and need to keep going. I keep on thinking about whether my ex has done this to anyone else since and worry that I should have reported it nearer the time. I don't think that I would benefit at all from reporting the rape as there is no evidence other than what is in my head and it was such a long time ago. I wonder if I could tell my story to the police so that I can make a statement if there are other women my ex has attacked and I could support their cases against him. The thought of making my ex aware of me or angering him in anyway terrifies me and makes me scared for the safety of me and my family. I don't want to go back to looking over my shoulder all the time.
So that is where I am and my story. It was a lot longer than I had planned! Sorry about that.
Thank you for listening to me.
This is the first time I have written on a forum like this, but I hope it will help me in my current attempt to heal. I feel that I need to be able to talk about what has happened to me without worrying about the reactions of friends and family and the awkwardness of bringing up the subject. I have been looking for support groups in my area, but there don't seam to be any, so I hope that typing will be as cathartic.
I'm finding it hard to start even now and I don't have to even say the words out load. Ok. When I was 16 I started my first relationship. He didn't live locally, but we saw each other most weekends. We went out for 2 years. During that time he broke up with me several times. Each time I was upset but accepted it and then he would beg me to take him back. Sometime he would say upsetting things to me and would make me feel bad about myself. Although we would socialise with my friends, he never wanted to do anything with his friends. he claimed that he didn't trust them with me! Any way, the summer before we went to university we went on holiday with his parents and I got to see the real him. He had tantrums when he could use the bikes because his brothers were using them, when I beet him at cards he would throw them across the room in a strop and when I offered to help him make omelette because the pans were old and sticking, he almost hit me. That holiday made me certain that I had to end things.
I broke up with him while at university and I was happy and having fun. However, he started calling me and he would be in tears saying I had ruined his life, he'd only chosen the university he was at so that he could be near by and that he wasn't making any friends because he was so sad all the time. This all made me feel really guilty but I didn't want him back.
Me and my friends had been having a new year’s party at our friend's house every year since we were 16 and we continued the tradition after we had gone away to university, but my ex invited himself along as he had been the previous years and I felt sorry for him. Throughout the night I tried to treat him like any other friend. I tried to make it clear to him that I still didn't want a relationship by chatted to him about guys I'd met at uni and encouraging him to approach other girls. At the party I got drunker than I ever had done before and looking back I now realise that my ex was mixing most of my drinks. I was so drunk I was sick, but afterwards I felt much better. It wasn't an all night party so at some point everyone started going off to bed or camping down with sleeping bags in the living room. Me and my ex were both in the living room, with other people. As everyone was nodding off he tried to kiss me, but I told him to stop. He got upset and disappeared. I found him sat on the stairs. We chatted for a bit but he was upset and said he wanted to go somewhere else as he was embarrassed about anyone seeing him cry. We went up to one of the top rooms in the house that no one was sleeping in. I remember the room was empty except for a papier mache giraffe. I still don't have a full memory of what happened next, even 15 years later, but I remember the sensation of being pinned down unable to move, I have a snapshot memory of the look of pure hatred on his face when he was on top of me and him saying "I bet xxx likes it like this" and a feeling of screaming no inside my head.
I had no memory of being raped at all until about 6 months after the event when I slept with someone I had started to date. It was like being hit by something and suddenly it came rushing back and I remembered I had been raped even though I couldn't remember much of the incident. I was devastated and became depressed. I found it hard to sleep and when I did I was haunted by nightmares. I imagined that I saw my ex everywhere I went and I was on a constant state of alert. My boyfriend of the time, who was the only person who knew about it, finally said he had had enough and I needed to get help or he didn't want to see me any more. I remember trying to get help through a few places but ended up at the university counselling service. They explained that I hadn't remembered the rape and still only had fragmented memory of it because I was suffering post traumatic stress. I found the sessions really difficult. After some persuading I told my mum about what had happened. She hugged me but we didn't talk about it again after that. I stopped going to see the counsellor because I felt that I was just feeling worse. I continued to struggle on and off thought university and got really bad one summer to the point where I thought I was going mad and thought constantly about killing myself but couldn't bear to hurt my family like that. I ended up confiding in a friend who took me to rape crisis and they really helped me find the right counselling and with time I felt a lot better.
Since then I periodically have periods of feeling fine and not thinking about it and then being triggered by something and ending up feeling full of emotions that need to escape but have no where to go. I often feel really alone and unable to talk to people about how I feel. I am tearful or feeling like I am putting on a mask to get by and pretend I am fine. I am married now with a 2 year old which is lovely and stressful, but I feel that I need to really try and do something to "fix myself". I don't want my emotions to damage my relationship with my husband and son. I am seeing a counsellor again now and it helps, but I still feel alone and the rape feels like a big secret I am hiding from everyone. So that is why I am on here.
I feel like I need to find ways to let out my anger and sadness, but don't always know how. I still question if anything happened especially as my brain is still protecting me from the memory of it. It is like an itch I can't scratch or a bruise I need to poke. Part of me doesn't want to remember what happened if it is that bad my brain shut down, but part of me does want to know what happened so that I can know it really happened and deal with it. I find that whenever I see my counsellor or do something to actively release some of my pent up emotions that I am physically and emotionally exhausted afterwards, and most of the time I don't have time for this and need to keep going. I keep on thinking about whether my ex has done this to anyone else since and worry that I should have reported it nearer the time. I don't think that I would benefit at all from reporting the rape as there is no evidence other than what is in my head and it was such a long time ago. I wonder if I could tell my story to the police so that I can make a statement if there are other women my ex has attacked and I could support their cases against him. The thought of making my ex aware of me or angering him in anyway terrifies me and makes me scared for the safety of me and my family. I don't want to go back to looking over my shoulder all the time.
So that is where I am and my story. It was a lot longer than I had planned! Sorry about that.
Thank you for listening to me.
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