Coping with bumping into rapist. Any advice....

[Music lady]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. Hugs to everyone going through tough times
I was raped by a boyfriend nearly 18 years ago. I have moved on a long way since then. I am now happily married.
Trouble is recently I bumped into my ex boyfriend who raped me nearly 18 years ago on my way home from work and he called out my name! I was shocked as I had hoped he wouldn't recognise me after all these years.
Months after this I went out for a night out with some friends. We waited for a taxi, when a taxi came round the corner, my ex boyfriend who raped me nearly 18 years ago was the driver! I freaked out. I started begging my friend not to let me go in the taxi. My friend told me to calm down and let some blokes behind us get in that taxi. I later found out I'd shocked my friend because they'd never seen anyone react like that before!
Since then, I have bumped into him when I'm going to work. I get shaky, light headed and my legs turn to jelly. All my body wants to do is run.
Has anyone else gone through this? Is this something I've just got to put up with? Any help gratefully received.
Thanks in advance, Music lady

[wonderwoman2012]

Maybe try to practice some bumping into him situations in your head. Try to manage your breathing and know that he can no longer hurt you. Take the power back. You are in control of the situation.

If you think he is following you then that is a different matter. Collect evidence of this if you can (camera phone maybe) and note who is with you when you bump into him. You will have to decide if you think what to go to police.

[Music lady]

Thanks wonderwoman2012 for your advice and replying so quickly.

I don't think he's following me, I just seem to be bumping into him more. I shall try your suggestion, hopefully I'll be able to keep myself calm.

Thanks again, Music lady x

[friday]

While you shouldn't have to, the only thing I can really suggest is taking different routes to avoid chance encounters. If you do see him in the distance, breathe, and remember you are in public. He isn't going to hurt you.

[myhome]

Hi and welcome to the forum but really sorry you had to find us......

I work in the field of mental health and it sounds to me like you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have suffered this in the past and your symptoms sound very familiar. I would very strongly suggest that you consult your GP and asked to be referred to your Community Mental Health Team.

There is a therapy called Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprogramming - (EMDR). It was first used very successfully on the Emergency Service personnel who worked after the Twin Towers Disaster. I also was given it and it was successful for me....

You cannot spend the rest of your life in fear of bumping into the ex-bf, or altering your life pattern to avoid this - that will only lead to further problems in the future.

Sending you warm hugs and good wishes...
PM me if you would like to... (I'm a woman btw) MH

[Music lady]

Hi MH, thanks for replying and the kind comments.

I have thought about counselling. At the moment I worry if it would be too painful. I have locked so many feelings away. I have a job that I really love. I work with vulnerable people, and worry if counselling would just make things worse. It's not just this event I've locked away. I have a few childhood issues as well (possible emotional abuse). I just keep hoping I can self heal if at all possible.

I just can't go through it all again
Thanks again for replying.
ML x

[myhome]

Hi ML

EMDR, counselling and other talking therapies can indeed be painful; I am also (as well as being FA of historical abuse) seeing a counsellor for childhood abuse too. She is wonderful - specially trained working for the C (name of county) Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre. She does Person Centred Therapy, is very empathetic, very observant and very skilful. Yes - it is painful - but already she has made a huge impact on the way I viewed what happened to me when I was 6 and I am really glad I'm doing it.....

Like you, I work with vulnerable adults, (although I am not allowed to see my clients right now because of the FA) so I am working in a different part of the company. I did find that when working with clients I was able to concentrate on them and it did give me some relief from the mess that is in my head - if that makes sense?

If you can self-heal, that would be great, but sometimes we need a bit of direction to help us sort our thoughts out!

Anyway - those are my thoughts and when you're a full member I would be more than happy to have a natter with you -
Be strong MH

[Music lady]

Hi MH, thanks for replying.
I am starting to feel a bit better now. The dark cloud seems to be lifting. I am hoping this year has been harder because of bumping into him and the anniversary being so close together. I can't remember the exact date, just it was April. April always seems to be the more tricky month of the year! Hopefully next year it will be easier. My symptoms only normally last for a few days at a time and I can normally distract myself. I am hoping that the dark cloud I have been under isn't going to be the new norm.

I feel that I've made some progress on my childhood issues. My dad has been using emotional blackmail until about 2 years ago when I stood up for myself. I think he was a bit shocked. I felt so proud!

What you say does make sense. I find my job a good distraction and no 2 days are the same. I hope your situation improves soon. You are very strong for going to see a councellor. I am not feeling that strong yet.

Thanks to all that have replied to this thread.
ML x

[myhome]

Hi ML

Great to read you are feeling more positive now and that you can see a way forward...fantastic you stood up to your dad - you're quite right to feel proud of yourself - it must have been very hard for you to do....

Hope you go on ok and the offer to PM if/when you're a full member is always there

be kind to yourself......

MH x

[Music lady]

Hi MH,
Thanks for replying and your kind words.

I'd like to PM when I become a full member. I feel I can't say too much on here.

Thanks for your support.

ML x

[Music lady]

Hi, just wondering if you had 1 flashback does it mean more could follow or could you be lucky enough not to get anymore. I know it sounds a strange question, but any help would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance,
ML x

[Don'tbelieveit!]

Hi

I would like to help but don't quite understand the question....

DBI

[Don'tbelieveit!]

Sorry, got it now. MMM... I don't feel able to answer that to be quite honest...

[friday]

I wouldn't assume that just because someone has one flashback they would necessarily have others. Somewhat comparable are panic attacks, lots of people have had one or two but they don't go on to have an anxiety disorder. That said, if you are having symptoms of PTSD (there are many and flashbacks are only one) then it may be worth talking to your GP or rape crisis. Was there a particular trigger before this flashback? I found recognising the triggers helped give the flashbacks less power and I din't feel so "crazy". If you do have another flashback one thing which can help is trying to stay grounded/focused on real life for example by feeling the fabric of your clothing, repeating a mantra (I used to use, "I'm an adult now, he can't hurt me") or focusing on your surroundings (perhaps listing what you can see).

[Music lady]

Thanks Friday, I feel a bit better now. There was a trigger. My friend tried to usher me into a taxi my ex-bf was driving. I don't think she meant to as she was pretty drunk at the time. I panicked and begged her not to let me get in the taxi. I had the flashback about a day later. Hopefully it was just the result of that.

Thanks again, ML x