Needing final closure

[cantmoveon]

Hi everyone,

I hope someone might be able to help me.

I was raped when I was 18, 2 months in to university. I wasn't enjoying university as it was (and my parents were aware of this) but that's by the by until later. The perpetrator was someone who lived in the same halls as me but upstairs. I had spoken to him a couple of times and got a taxi back with him and his friends on the night. He called me when I was tucked up in bed and asked if he could come down to borrow a cigarette off me. He then 'tried it on', but unfortunately, my repeating no wasn't enough and neither were my attempts to get him off me while he raped me. I've always regretted not screaming the place down, for some reason I froze. After he left, I was in shock for five minutes before I ran to my friend in the room next door and cried for hours.

The next day, I went to the clinic and was referred to a specialist counselling service. They were amazing and I was assigned a support worker for 6 weeks who would visit and talk to me about my options and how I felt. She brought the police with her one day to talk about whether I wanted to press charges. By then, I had decided I wanted to leave university and leave this memory behind instead of dragging out a court case. Selfish, I know but sometimes you have to be for your sanity. The support worker helped me to eventually pluck up the courage to ring my mum and tell her what happened. I can't remember how the phone call went but I remember I cried a lot. I also remember she questioned me on whether I was 100% sure about what happened. That was the most devastating bit of the whole aftermath and why I am writing today. For a few weeks following the incident, she asked 'how are you' in a sympathetic way but never specifically about what happened. Since then, we've never talked about it. And I'm very close to my mum and see her a lot. She knows a lot about my life but is a big 'worrier' so I try not to burden her with every detail!

After what happened, I went through a promiscuous stage and slept with over 40 men in a year. Terrible I know, and I don't want to use what happened as an excuse because it's not. Maybe it's not even related. But I've never even been able to hold down a relationship since. I struggle constantly with wanting a man who keeps me on my toes and is in control vs needing to feel I'm in control of the 'relationship'. So I can't do it, it doesn't work I can't have both. Any advice on this would be appreciated. I can't help feeling these problems are in part due to what happened but it shouldn't be an excuse.

The most important bit for me is that aged 23, I just want to know that my mum believed me. Deep down, I don't think she did and think she believes it was an elaborate lie to get me out of university. I wish I could ask her but I've been plucking up the courage for over three years now and still I can't do it. I'm too embarrassed. I just don't know if I could say the words and ask her if she believed me. Since it happened, I can't even say the word rape. I wish I could just know. It would break my heart if she didn't believe me but at least it would give me the answer I'm looking for. It makes me cry to write this, it means that much to me. How can I do this? Do I need to speak to a professional? I'm not sure I want to unearth everything because writing this has brought back more emotion than I ever thought it would five years later but I just need a way to speak to her.

Thank you so much in advance for any advice anyone can give me. I am truly grateful.

Abi x

[whatsgoingon?]

Hi cantmoveon.
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. What's obviously bothering is your relashionship with your mother and how important it is for you to be believed by her. I can understand how you must be feeling as although I'm a mother myself with children of a similar age to you, there are things that I wish I could have spoken to mine about and which soured our relashionship for many years and she (or I) will probably go to the grave without that happening. From a child's perspective, even a grown up one, it's difficult to really know or understand what our own parents have been through and how information we give them about ourselves can damage them or what it throw up for them.
What I suggest is that you tell your mother just how important it is to you to be able to discuss this and whether she would be prepared to do so with a counsellor. I know there are different organisations such as Relate www.relate.org.uk who offer family counselling. You might consider getting in touch with them first and seeing someone on your own who can advise you on the best way to go about it.

Good luck - take care

[Faith]

Excellent advice whatsgoingon

Abi, why don't you do what you have done here? Write it down in a letter to your mum. That way she will have time to digest your words and you can draft and re-draft until you feel that it is right. Your mum will be able to read it several times so there's a lot to be said for the power of the written word.

Give it a few days. If your mum is in touch, don't automatically assume the worst. It could be that she feels guilt, shame or embarassment that she wasnt there for you in perhaps the way she would have liked to have been.

In the meantime, you still have the shadow of this rape hanging over you. Your emotional reaction to posting here proves that. I completely understand your decision not to bring up a court case...it is not selfish whatsoever...first and foremost you must do what is right for you. I do agree with whatsgoingon...some counselling via relate or rape crisis would be a very good idea. if you are still in touch with the friend you confided in, perhaps they could attend with you as moral support.

Let us know how you get on.
Take care.

[Saffron]

Excellent advice so far.
Welcome Abi. I'm sorry you find yourself here.
Try to remember that none of this is your fault. You have taken some very positive steps by even writing down what happened and on top of that, you have spoken to people. Don't feel guilty for not making a formal complaint to the police. It's a daunting and scary thing to do. You have to think of yourself and do what is best for you.
Good luck