Confused about how to feel.

[milkbottles]

It's been over a year now since the assault and yet I'm still not sure about whether I can even call it assault.

I was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness and decided to leave the religion and home at 17 (September 2011). I had a boyfriend at the time whom I lost my virginity to. I had no guidance from my parents at this point. They were more or less completely out of the picture. One day I was invited round a friend of a friends house for drinks. My friend and his dad were there so I joined them. I'd never drunk much before butthis man named D was giving me drink after drink. I didn't understand the strength of what I was drinking. D's parents and children were also there with us. It got to the point where I drunk too much and passed out. When I woke up everybody had gone but D. I was alone with this man whom I'd only met once before.

D started to come on to me and I remember trying to push him away saying my then boyfriends name out loud. He ignored me and started to finger me roughly. I was on my period and had a tampon in but he kept pushing it further in. I managed to get to the loo and take it out... i dont know if this was before or after.yet I didn't try to escape. I didn't want to have sex but everything's blury and i can't remember everything. I remember bits of it... like him taking my clothes off and putting me on my front.... I don't remember if he had a condom on. I don't know how long it lasted.

The next day I knew what had happened because of the pain I had below. He openly admitted what had happened. He Then reeled of a load of information he had found about me before the incident. He knew my family situation... he knew I was vunerable. I didn't tell anyone the truth about what happened that night until 4 months later. Up until then I told myself I wanted it to happen. D went around bragging. D was 40. I was 17. I kept seeing him around... he somehow had my number and would emotionally abuse me... making me believe I wanted it to happen.

Even now I find myself blaming myself... doubting that it was rape... I think about it nearly every day. I never told my then boyfriend. And when I told my boyfriend after that he wasn't helpful. My current partner knows and has v
Been very supportive. But I worry that I'm too much to handle. I've lost my job down to my depression over what happened.

After it happened I slept around. I regret it but it seemed to be a kind of coping mechanism at the time. I cheated on bfs cause it made me feel better. Even now I find myself wanting to have rough sex... I want to be punished sexually. I find pain a turn on and it tears me up... makes me feel wrong and disgusting... a whore...

Was I raped? Or was I just drunk? Is there anyone out there that feels similar in any way? Sexually or emotionally?

[Faith]

It sounds as if this guy knew exactly what he was doing.
The fact that he brought up things he knew about you and has hassled you since to ensure you don't say anything makes it pretty clear that he is aware that this was rape.
You were not in a condition to give or withdraw consent and yet you made it as clear as you could that this was not what you wanted.

The incident, and the attacker, still control you. Have you considered seeing your GP or visiting a rape Crisis centre? Even a helpline may help. Coming here is a good start. We do have members who have been through similar situations and hopefully one of them may be around in the next few days.

[RFLH]

As Faith has said - you were raped by a man who knew exactly how he was going to do it and made sure you were incapable to refuse.

If you can get statements from the people who he has bragged to and they will stand by them and if you feel able to - I would report this man as he's may be grooming other vulnerable girls.

You have done nothing wrong so please never think you have. Rape Crisis centres are very useful, they have properly people who can help you. You are coping well, but you need to talk this out for your own peace of mind.

[tiftaf]

It's been over a year now since the assault and yet I'm still not sure about whether I can even call it assault.

I was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness and decided to leave the religion and home at 17 (September 2011). I had a boyfriend at the time whom I lost my virginity to. I had no guidance from my parents at this point. They were more or less completely out of the picture. One day I was invited round a friend of a friends house for drinks. My friend and his dad were there so I joined them. I'd never drunk much before butthis man named D was giving me drink after drink. I didn't understand the strength of what I was drinking. D's parents and children were also there with us. It got to the point where I drunk too much and passed out. When I woke up everybody had gone but D. I was alone with this man whom I'd only met once before.

D started to come on to me and I remember trying to push him away saying my then boyfriends name out loud. He ignored me and started to finger me roughly. I was on my period and had a tampon in but he kept pushing it further in. I managed to get to the loo and take it out... i dont know if this was before or after.yet I didn't try to escape. I didn't want to have sex but everything's blury and i can't remember everything. I remember bits of it... like him taking my clothes off and putting me on my front.... I don't remember if he had a condom on. I don't know how long it lasted.

The next day I knew what had happened because of the pain I had below. He openly admitted what had happened. He Then reeled of a load of information he had found about me before the incident. He knew my family situation... he knew I was vunerable. I didn't tell anyone the truth about what happened that night until 4 months later. Up until then I told myself I wanted it to happen. D went around bragging. D was 40. I was 17. I kept seeing him around... he somehow had my number and would emotionally abuse me... making me believe I wanted it to happen.

Even now I find myself blaming myself... doubting that it was rape... I think about it nearly every day. I never told my then boyfriend. And when I told my boyfriend after that he wasn't helpful. My current partner knows and has v
Been very supportive. But I worry that I'm too much to handle. I've lost my job down to my depression over what happened.

After it happened I slept around. I regret it but it seemed to be a kind of coping mechanism at the time. I cheated on bfs cause it made me feel better. Even now I find myself wanting to have rough sex... I want to be punished sexually. I find pain a turn on and it tears me up... makes me feel wrong and disgusting... a whore...

Was I raped? Or was I just drunk? Is there anyone out there that feels similar in any way? Sexually or emotionally?

Your story as a genuine rape victim is the reason that these women who falsely claim rape need to be punished. Lets say, hypothetically speaking, you are ready to go to court to get justice for the horror you have been subjected to. Then on the way to court you read some news story that is highlighting yet another woman who has falsely accused? Before you even get in that court room you have thought you wont be believed and then you read a report like that? I just wish someone would be strong enough to highlight this to Rape Crisis. They are so closed to what these liars are doing in terms of the people they are trying to help. GRRRRR

[Faith]

If you wish to discuss false allegations of rape, please raise it in the relevant forum. This poster is seeking support due to her ordeal of rape.

[tiftaf]

It was a genuine mistake.

[Verity]

If you tell the police what you have told us in your opening post which was concise and to the point they could well start an immediate investigation
especially if this D texted you as they may be able to forensically pull all the texts he sent you which would corroborate your complaint.
Also if you told anyone soon after the event let the police know who they are so statements can be taken.

From what you have said in the clear and concise manner posted this man does have a case to answer.
Please stay away from any sexual relationship.
Allow yourself time to get your thoughts together and go to your GP to get a referral for support.
Do you have anything which D may have touched that could indicate the inappropriate contact he had with you?
The police would be looking for cells that could only have come from his down below region.
Is there anyone in your extended family you feel you could confide in?
Write everything down then go to the police.