Boyfriend doesn't trust me meeting up with people because I spent to long dealing with my rape

[Hannah]

I got raped about 2 months ago, my boyfriend of 7 months was very supportive after i told him, but it took me about a month to tell him. There had been rumors that i'd had sex with another guy, but they were saying it was just sex, not rape. Up till that point I'd been lying about the night and saying that nothing happened. When I told him he was angry at the fact that I didn't tell him sooner. He's lost all trust in me and i'm trying to deal with what happened, as well as trying to gain his trust. I wanted to meet an old guy friend that i've known since i was 3 (I'm now 17) and he doesn't trust me to not get with him and then just claim rape again.

How do I prove to him that I won't do anything like that? And how can I help him deal with my rape? And how can I gain his trust? And support him with dealing with everything too?

[RFLH]

this is only my point of view - but if your boyfriend doesn't trust or believe you - then you are with the wrong person. He should be there for you but it seems he isn't.

It's him that has the problem - not you, no matter what you say or do he will never believe you and he should, he should be caring for you, angry on your behalf and helping you come to terms with what has happened to you.

[Hannah]

I do understand what your saying but he's been helping me massively since I told him, I would have been in a deep depression and probably self harming if it wasn't for his support, and I understand that he's angry he didn't get told sooner, but he wants me to prove to him that I want his trust back and I want to get over what happened rather than let it defeat me, which it seems to be doing at the moment. He wants me to reassure him that I'm not out with other guys but I don't know how. Any suggestions?

[Faith]

Maybe suggest some joint counselling? If you go to a rape crisis centre or your GP, they often provide services for the partner as well as the victim as it is a tough thing to get his head around.

However, whilst I understand that it is a lot for your boyfriend to take in, I must agree with RFLH in that if he does not trust you to meet up with a male without believing there is nothing insidious taking place, then there are serious issues which need addressing. Have you ever given him reason to mistrust you before?

Do not beat yourself up over not telling him about the rape sooner, it's an incredibly tough thing to talk about and you should be commended for being brave enough to tell him in the first place. if he really is to help you, and properly, then he must trust you or he risks destroying any confidence that you have left. Consider the counselling, it may help him to get his head around it and realise that the only person who has destroyed any trust is the man who attacked you.

[Faith]

I do understand what your saying but he's been helping me massively since I told him, I would have been in a deep depression and probably self harming if it wasn't for his support, and I understand that he's angry he didn't get told sooner, but he wants me to prove to him that I want his trust back and I want to get over what happened rather than let it defeat me, which it seems to be doing at the moment. He wants me to reassure him that I'm not out with other guys but I don't know how. Any suggestions?

I'm afraid this line sets alarm bells ringing with me. That sounds awfully controlling and I don't see how you need to earn his trust because you were unfortunate enough to be raped. If any counselling does not succeed or this kind of attitude continues, it may be healthier for you in the long run to break free of what COULD be (only based on what you've said here) a damaging relationship

[Casehardened]

Hannah, you mentioned that you were 17, so I'm guessing that your boyfriend is around the same age.

My experience of 17 year old boys (I was one a long time ago) is that mature joined up thinking is not high on the list.

He wants you to support and reassure him whereas it is you actually needing this. If you personally can cope with this scenario and have other friends to confide in, suggest that you both need time apart to work through the situation.

This will bring matters to a head and he may well come back to you in a week or so sadder & wiser; if not then he is no great loss!

[Hannah]

Thanks for the replies.

Couple of other points
- He's 19 and is mature for his age
- Until him I was... I guess you would call a slut. I didn't sleep around, but I was a flirt and had more guy friends than girl friends. I was also known for never going out with someone and only just getting with them. Until him. And that's lasted about 6 or 7 months now. I can't lose it.
- He understands it was hard to tell him but I think it hurt his feelings that I didn't tell him sooner, and I lied to him about it for so long. I know it is hard to deal with, but at the same time I feel guilty for not telling him, when I should have.
- I've looked into the counselling thing but am struggling to find some in my area (South-East England) and i'm scared about face to face and one to one counselling, I would much rather do it through e-mail, although i'm not sure if that exists and is available.
- I have other friends and 2 of them know of the situation, but haven't yet supported me at all barely, especially compared to the level of support I've received from my boyfriend.

[Faith]

You know him better than us, so the decision will rest with you of course

There are support groups available that you can get counselling help from. Also you might like to try a helpline if you don't feel happy with face to face support.

[Hannah]

Thank you so much for the advice, I've told you wonderful people more on this website than I've told my friends as I struggle to get words out.

I will defiantly look into counselling, and i'll try to get enough courage to see someone face to face as I heard somewhere that they can help you get over it quicker.

[Faith]

Yes they can, but it can take a lot of courage. You will be able to have your boyfriend in with you or a friend if you find this helps.
Maybe start with the phoneline to build yourself up as they will be able to tell you what you can expect at a Crisis centre.
Or you can go via your GP but sometimes the waiting list for an NHS counsellor can be long.

In the meantime, please keep coming back here if it helps. We have several members who have been in your situation and will be able to offer you additional support. I have never been where you are, so can only offer you limited help but I am glad that you have managed to find some confidence here.

I'd advise your next step to sit your boyfriend down and chat things through with him openly. Why not direct him here and show him the thread?

[Hannah]

I will call them tomorrow and try to gain confidence in others, thank you.
Yeah I will show him this thread, he knows I was on this website and about the other thread I posted, which actually describes what happened to me (I assume you can view it on my profile if your interested) and he was keen to help me and encouraged me to seek out advice from others.
I defiantly will do, thank you, I feel like the jumble in my head is better cleared now.

[RFLH]

you're being very hard on yourself Hannah, you haven't done anything that others don't do - you didn't deserve to be raped.

Perhaps if you coul get your boyfriend to join here then he would be able to talk things over better with you and understand you better.

Keep posting, you'll feel so much better for it and you may decide to report it to the police - I doubt you're the first he's done this to.

[Hannah]

If i'm not hard on myself then i'm scared I'll spend forever just getting upset about it. I don't want it to defeat me.
Yeah I will show him this and see what he thinks of it, thanks.
And I'm not sure, he's tried talking to me since as we used to be friends, and I haven't replied but he starts conversations and it sounds like he's acting as if it didn't happen. I'm confused and don't know what to do. I have other stuff to be concentrating on (College, exams, parents are arguing, boyfriend, i'm diabetic, I get depressed easily, have no money, can't concentrate on my A-Levels because i'm distracted with this). I get easily stressed and I don't like feeling out of control of this. I can't help it. I feel so naive and stupid for letting it happen. Every time I feel like i'm making progress I keep dreaming about it and go back to the start again.

[Faith]

You absolutely must start getting some support with this. Coming here is a good start so well done for taking that step.

Whilst this creature still insists on being part of your life, I fear that you may not recover. Try your best to avoid all contact with him.

[Hannah]

I'm looking into it now, thank you for encouraging me to try to find support.

And I know, I'm scared that could happen to. Luckily he doesn't go to my college anymore so I don't see him around, but he's tried to talk to me on Facebook and i've just ignored it. He's vaguely in my larger friendship group and i'm worried that if he's at a party and i'm drunk then something might happen again, especially as whenever I drink I get upset about what happened and have such bad dream the following nights.