Struggling to deal with it, don't know how to get over what happened

[Hannah]

Okay, so I've never been on a site like this before and it was kinda my boyfriends idea as he wants to help but I don't think he knows how.

I'm 16 years old
A couple of months ago (August) I got raped. I was very drunk and have blackouts of parts of what happened. It was with a guy called **** and we'd previously got together but now I had a boyfriend of about 6 months and had no intention of cheating on him.

So I was completely gone and he was slightly tipsy, and we were at a friends house party and we went off together to get some chips from the chippy round the road. I don't know how but we ended up round the back of a deserted house in the opposite direction. I remember him trying to kiss me and me just thinking about my boyfriend. Then there's a part I can't remember, but I ended up sat on the floor and **** still trying to kiss me. I tried to push him away but he persisted. Before I knew it he was on top of me having sex with me. It was really uncomfortable and hurt quite a lot (This wasn't my first time or anything, so I think that was just because of force). I started crying hysterically and tried to push him off me, but he was to strong. I couldn't stop him and I tried to push him away. I was crying and screaming at him and that didn't stop him either. He looked into my eyes and just smiled so evily, and I couldn't stop him and I was screaming and didn't know what to do. He didn't stop until I was sick on him and to the side of him. He jumped away and just called one of our mutual friends, +++, who came over and the second +++ got there **** ran off. I was curled up on the floor naked and crying and covered in sick and mud, a complete state. +++ helped me get back to everyone and told me to stick to the story that we just went off to get chips and were just talking. I'd lost my voice because I'd been screaming so much.

At college after that I would get friendly banter for apparently cheating on my boyfriend, and he'd quiz me about what happened that night endlessly. I couldn't tell him because it hurt to much to admit it and it would make it seem real, which I couldn't face. I told him about a month after. Him and 2 other girl friends know what really happened.

I still can't talk about what happened without crying, I'm crying right now.

I still haven't got over it and my boyfriend has been amazing support but i'm scared that if I don't get over it soon enough then he'll just get bored of trying and I can't do that to him any more. I feel like he's not telling me how he really feels about it because he doesn't want me getting more upset about everything.

He's lost trust in me because I lied to him about what happened for a month and I don't know how to gain that back, I need his trust and support, and I don't know what I would have done without it, but I want him to be chilled about everything and confidently know that I'm okay, as well as him being okay.

I feel so naive and stupid because I went off with **** in the first place, and now i'm scared to meet other guy mates on their own incase it happens again. Hell, i'm scared to walk down quiet lanes in my own town at 2 in the afternoon.
Please can someone help me to get over what happened to me, I'd appreciate any advice, and anything that would help me support my boyfriend and myself. Thanks

[RFLH]

first off - what happened to you was not your fault. It's also good that your boyfriend is supporting you.

Ideally you should go and get yourself checked out at a clinic to be on the safe side.

I think you should go and talk to professionals who can help you properly http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ and they will be able to advise you if you want to report this to the police.

[friday]

Hi Hannah,

Welcome to the forum but sorry it's under these circumstances. You've been through a lot and it will take time for you to move forward. Please don't beat yourself up for not being "over it". Everybody moves forward from rape at different rates. It's important to always remember that it wasn't your fault. He didn't do it because you were alone with a guy or had been drinking. He did it because he is a rapist.

It's natural you will feel scared and wary around men. If you don't feel comfortable being around your male friends alone then ask a friend to come with you. You don't have to explain why, just say me and x are going out, do you want to come?

I'd recommend contacting rape crisis. They will be able to either offer telephone counselling or face-to-face counselling in your area. If you aren't ready to do that then you can ring them whenever you are, be that months or years.

As for your boyfriend, if he is worth hanging on to he will understand that this is a major traumatic event and you need time to heal. Yes you didn't tell him the truth straight away but that's understandable given what you've been through. The only advice I can give for gaining his trust back is to be honest with him now, which you have done.

The only real advice I can give you is to keep talking about it and how it's making you feel. It can be with the friends who know, anonymously to rape crisis or online. It's a horrible thing to happen and it's going to have a big impact but you can move forward.

[Saffron]

Excellent advice from RFLH and Friday.
I can't add anything but wanted to say Welcome