Newbie :( Am I normal to actually have an increased interest towards men following my rape?

[dancer57]

Hi all, completely new to this forum but just surfing the net for help/advice and thought the best thing to do would be to ask other survivors. I am about 2-3 months following rape, like to think I'm coping well but reading a lot about 'stages' and trauma now realise I have a long way to go. However the thing is, I dont seem to have found any articles/research about wanting to be with other men, I have an increased interest/desire towards men at the minute. I have been in a happy relationship for 10 years and he has supported me very well during all of this, but I don't want it any more. Just to be clear, when I say 'increased desire' I don't mean particularly in a sexual way, but I want to be wanted, taken on dates by others, feel desirable etc I can't understand this, my ex partner (I say ex now as I did make the decision to split but he is still there for me thankfully) made me feel like a goddess, so why do I want/need gratification from male strangers?

Also, other issues i'm having are depression, desperate need for complete 'fresh' starts in all areas of my life and to escape, lack of interest in looking after myself. That is particularly important as I have been into health and fitness massively for years and previously whenever I was down I used to workout to feel better, now it seems the only type of 'looking after myself' I want to be doing is getting very glammed up, put make up on and that sort of thing (but again i think thats linked with wanting to attract male attention to feel better about myself). Health has always mega important to me, now i'm letting it go down the drain and also drink more (I reckon Ive had a drink almost every night, not excessively but still)

Lastly, this trauma has been all in all an assault on my personality, I am a hyper organised, controlled and analytical person so its upsetting for me to just have feelings/behaviour which I cant seem to explain or control at the minute.

Any thoughts would be most appreciated

[Saffron]

Hello Dancer57

What you describe is completely "normal" for a survivor. You are trying to expel the feeling of being used. You are also trying to convince yourself that you are still desirable, despite what has happened. Many survivors feel this. They desperately want "normal" sex, as opposed to forced rape. A good deal of survivors go on to become quite sexually promiscuous after they are assaulted. (I'm not saying that you ARE being promiscuous, just trying to reassure you that your feelings are normal).

As for you feeling that this is an assault on your personality - well, of course it is. You feel as though you need a "fresh start" because you have been violated, any normal person would feel the same.

Where are you in terms of the legal process? Have you reported the rape? Has the culprit been arrested/charged and are you approaching trial?

You have taken absolutely the right step by posting here and I applaud your courage. We will do all we can to support you.

[dancer57]

Thanks Saffron

That is beyond helpful, that goes a long way to explain how I'm feeling because after most of the reading/professional advice I've seen so far it doesn't seem to mention actually wanting to be around men. It does make sense what you're saying, and it's not necessarily the sexual gratification I'm after it's the initial desire on their side in the first place thus meaning that im desirable after what happened to me. Oh my god, yes that does make so much sense, I only want to know that I am still wanted so that explains that one! My feelings were especially strong today in this area, it all came back to me after my second to last blood test today for HIV/other STI's which makes me feel dirty/undesirable, so yeh that definitely goes a long way to help me with that so cheers

Yes, the person has been charged and the trial will be early next year, I'm still very much in the process. I think that's been the problem, just as I was raped I got a new job and I didnt have time to deal with it/take it in plus I wanted to come across as professional and level headed. I have since had a meltdown, went off sick and left the place (summing it up very briefly) I couldn't stay at a place which was so involved in the early days of the aftermath. And I pride myself on being a strong woman, independent so to admit that perhaps I'm not coping as well as I would like is hard for me. Even as I'm typing and realising what I'm saying is difficult but in a good way. I just dont want it to beat me or change me, although that it already has; maybe thats good though, change can be good right?

[Saffron]

Glad to hear that posting here has helped.
Don't ever feel ashamed to admit that you are struggling to cope. Being strong is all well and good, but you can't be "strong" indefinitely without a little support.
Of course this experience has changed you - you wouldn't be human if it hadn't. Try to look at it as positively as possible though. Everything that happens to us in our lives changes and shapes the person we are. It's up to us whether we let a trauma destroy us or strengthen us.
Hang in there. You might find that as the trial approaches you start feeling panicky - again this is normal. Keep coming back, as we may be able to explain a little about the court process to reassure you.

[Faith]

Hi, welcome to the forum and sorry to hear of your experience. I am not a survivor myself but I am close to someone who experienced exactly as you describe.

Basically, she had been supported by the man she loved throughout it all but had desires to be 'swept off her feet'
She also had sexual desires which made her feel as if she were sick in some way for even contemplating wanting adventurous sex after what happened to her. To cut a long story short, after a long process of self doubt, she came clean to her partner who was very understanding. She later took the decision to take some time out and he was open minded enough to let her have time. She found herself seeking dates and discovered that it was not what she wanted after all and she ended up experiencing a severe panic attack after a date with a perfectly pleasant stranger and she realised all she wanted was her partner.

Talk these feelings through but don't take any rash actions. You have been through a trauma which plays tricks on your psyche. Your mind may point you to things you don't truly desire.
Ride with it and don't shut your partner out, it is a difficult time for you both. Therapy may well help you through this if you are open through the process.
I hope you find some closure through your quest for justice against your attacker. Keep concentrating on your own state of mind and don't make any sudden decisions which you may regret at a later stage.

Keep discussing them here. It's a good place to air thoughts and feelings and by writing you may even find the answer yourself before someone even responds. Take care of yourself.