I'm a strange one, I know

[Phoenix]

Then I'll try to say it differently.

Like I said, I'l always choose compassion and sensitivity over frankness if it's a choice I have to make.

Thanks for being nice.

Quite a lot of people have been the total opposite.

On one board recently a sick so and so tried to cyber-rape me!

Believe me, I'm NOT going to try and cause any trouble.

[Phoenix]

Thanks Saffron, you're right, I wasn't dissing them. I actually thought about it before posting to avoid being judgemental. Oh well. I'm not too good at coming across well on line.
I wasn't aware that we were supposed to wait for another post, although I am not sure how I got to that blog, but I do know it was through this site.
Also didn't realise that unless we agreed with their views, we were to keep shtum. So I am keeping shtum now lol
Offering kind words to some people if they are angry is fine, saying I disagree with someone if they post an article that is aimed to shock is also ok in my opinion, it's a public forum, but I wont be someones cyber punch bag, personally

Look, it's not a question of agreeing or disagreeing.

You reckoned I was a bloke and that got me mad.

I'm a married woman with three kids and I'm also a rape victim.

Yes, I DO see myself as that.

Yes, I also feel I could have acted differently.

I'm trying to find some sort of - I dunno, therapy? Catharsis? - by trying to talk about stuff with people who I thought - often wrongly - might be sympathetic and understanding.

Like I said, I've found that other rape victims have understood where I'm coming from much better than people who haven't been raped.

Like I also said, I'm keen NOT to get anyone mad at me or think I'm trying to diss them in any way.

That ain't what I'm about and I'm going to leave the shock jock side of me, the Devil's Advocate one and maybe even my East End sense of humour right out of it on this here board.

I hate it when I get off to a bad start.

It's not the first time but usually we all wind up good mates down the boozer or whatever!

GImme a chance; I've got a pretty big repertoire of gear!

[Saffron]

Thanks Saffron, you're right, I wasn't dissing them. I actually thought about it before posting to avoid being judgemental. Oh well. I'm not too good at coming across well on line.
I wasn't aware that we were supposed to wait for another post, although I am not sure how I got to that blog, but I do know it was through this site.
Also didn't realise that unless we agreed with their views, we were to keep shtum. So I am keeping shtum now lol
Offering kind words to some people if they are angry is fine, saying I disagree with someone if they post an article that is aimed to shock is also ok in my opinion, it's a public forum, but I wont be someones cyber punch bag, personally

Bigsis
Sometimes cross-posting happens when two people are replying to a post. It's not a problem, so please don't worry about that!
WF has put a link to her blog in her profile, that's probably how you found it.
If you disagree with anyone's posts, please don't feel you have to keep shtum! Saying you disagree with a post is absolutely fine as well, as long as it is a reasoned and articulate response, which your definitely WAS.
As I said, debate is encouraged.
Deliberately provocative comments are NOT encouraged.
Bigsis, I don't believe you have posted anything deliberately provocative.
WM, I do believe that you are hurting and need support. I didn't dispute that. I was just asking you to think about other forum users. If you would like to tell us what has happened to you we might be able to help. Pain is pain, there is not a monopoly on it, so regardless of whether you think you were to blame, it is something that is obviously still affecting you. I hope we can help.

[Phoenix]

Saffron, you're dead lovely!

(a "latsho mushi" as we'd say in Romani)

I'll try real hard to be a good girl.

I mean well, you know.

And I will try - I wrote a poem a few minutes ago giving the bare bones of what happened to me.

I might come up with the whole shebang if I can stand reliving it.

Once again, sorry if I'm being a pain in the bul (that's Romani by the way!)

[Saffron]

GImme a chance; I've got a pretty big repertoire of gear!

Fine by me, WM. I am more than prepared to listen to what you have to say.

[Verity]

We have a problem with women and children in this country

Fem (I'm not going to use the word worthless either)

Have you met a falsely accused innocent man?

Have you seen him on his knees, his body wracked with inconsolable tears?

Afraid to touch the woman in his life or go within ten feet of a child because he is terrified of them?

Have you watched an innocent man in the dock for a 'crime' that never happened, his life hanging in the balance on the unsubstantiated, uncorroberated word of the false accuser?
With the police, the CPS and the crown knowing he is innocent, that the 'crime' never occurred but in an attempt to hit government targets are prepared to pervert the course of justice.

The crime of false accusation of rape, sex abuse etc is as wicked a crime as the crime of rape.

Now I'm going to tell this forum something:
I worked at Granada in Commercial Road London. A market was held on that road and one of the stall holders came in to chat on a regular basis.
He tried to chat me up and I made it clear I wasn't interested but I was happy to be his friend.
He asked me to have a drink with him to which I eventually agreed though I was reluctant, felt pressured so went.
I had the drink with him and made my excuses to leave. He offered to take me home in his car, I declined but he persuaded me so I allowed him to.
That was my mistake.
He started to take me home then stopped the car and attempted to kiss me. I told him no. He got on top of me, I was sitting in the front passenger seat, he got my knickers partially down and attempted to enter me, I knew I was in trouble so blocked myself off as there was no escape. He got partially 'in' then got off me. I pulled my knickers up unlocked the car door and without a word got out and walked away. He drove off. Two weeks later I found I was pregnant. I was alone in the world and knew I could not raise a child who had been conceived in such circumstances so I had an abortion which I have to live with.
I did not consider myself to have been raped due to the fact that I had put myself into that situation. It was for me to learn from that incident and never to allow myself to get into that situation again.

What angers me more than anything is women who cry wolf and use the rape card as a tool of vengence against a man for a perceived slight, vengence or sheer vindictiveness.

There are two sides to the 'rape' 'sex offence' coin, they are both of the same weight and significance and should be dealt with, publicised and prosecuted with equal gravitas, but it is not due to many political, popularist and feminist interests.

Women want equality, fine. Then women, start taking responsibility for your behaviour and ownership of your mistakes.
Women want equal pay but don't want to pay the same insurance premiums as a man, won't take equal responsibility for their drunken promiscuity and laddette behaviour. Suddenly women don't have to take responsibility in regard to consent or lack of it. Men are responsible, period. A woman can lead a man on, waggle her tits, drop her draws, slobber and writh all over a man and he is supposed to think she isn't after sex.

I have advised men in my articles and blogs to get written consent in triplicate, give a copy to the police, a copy to his solicitor and a copy to the woman, then have his solicitor witness the consented to act so the woman can't say she changed her mind and in the cold light of day to cover up her promiscuity to a boyfriend/partner/husband falsely accuse the poor sod she seduced of rape.

There is a witch hunt going on in this country against men, and successive governments are encouraging and perpetuating it for their own political interests and the hysterical populus of this country are falling for it at great financial (CICA 'owes' alleged victims £600,000,000 in payouts) cost and at the expense of a cooprative and considerate society now fractured by propaganda and govt led scaremongering.

Harriet Harman said; "If I ever get to be prime minister men will be leaving this country in hoards" Well Ms Harman, decent women will go with them. I don't want to live in a witch hunting society.

Her philosophy is, all men are guilty and even if a woman is guilty it isn't her fault it's the man's fault. Oh Perleeeze!

By the way I am an adult survivor of horrific child abuse courtesy of my mother, a la Victoria Climbie, Peter Connelly, Maria Colwell et al.

[xxlettyxx]

Thank you both for sharing.Big hugs to you both.
Not ready to share my own experiences yet(concerned with the present turmoil) but I do empathise.
Briefly i'd say-I'n theory it would seem a woman at ANY point should be able to say "NO", and mean NO- but hey, this is the real world, lets look at the bigger picture.
lettyx

[Phoenix]

As it happens I do know a man who was falsely accused of rape.

It was a vindictive accusation by a woman who had pushed herself on him earlier that day and been rejected.

Fortunately he was able to establish his innocence (he was with three other people at the time who confirmed the truth of what he said.)

I try to feel compassion for all sorts of people; I visit prisoners and try to help them turn their lives around.

I know my rape was partly my own fault and I also know he shouldn't have done it.

Yes, I'm messed up and may never get my head straight.

I'm trying, though.

Thanks for your kind words.

[Bigsister]

I copied & pasted this bit from another thread on this forum, I think the author has hit the nail on the head...

there is a good reason rape victims blame themselves; it means the world is not a dangerous place with lots of people who could potentially rape you. unfortunately if you continue to believe that you are to blame it will cause even more problems.

[Phoenix]

Hoping for healing

Twelve years ago my life changed utterly. I was 18 years old and, though I'm not proud to admit it, very immature even for my age.

I drank too much, had very few morals, and did a lot of bad things. Well, I paid for my silly, selfish, bad behaviour. I'm still paying for it now to be honest.

There was a boy - let's call him Mark. It wasn't his real name but it's close enough. I was a tease and I got drunjk with him and some other friends. I behaved like a slut and I got my punishment soon enough.

Drunk and strutting like a slut, I went back to his place. That was where he raped me.

For years I've known I could and should have acted differently. I blamed myself for what happened and I still do to a large extent. I've been full of self-hatred and full of hatred for my own gender.

Women are weak! Well, at least, that's what I thought. And I certainly thought that I was weak. Until very recently.

I was lucky enough to meet and marry a wonderful man. We've been together for six years now and have three lovely children. He adores me and I do him. He'd never treat me like "Mark" did.

Recently I've joined a few forums on rape. Two of them have been brilliant and supportive; one began by being hostile and has started to be understanding and sympathetic; the other one was hostile from the beginning and banned me on Easter Sunday.

Some good people, both men and women, have been helping me to understand myself better. What makes me most ashamed of myself was that - I'm afraid there's no delicate way of putting this - I had an orgasm while I was being raped.

How can I be such a slut? I must be totally worthless if I actually CAME from being raped? I must have really WANTED it to happen.

That's how I felt for 12 years now. Recently some good people have explained to me that it's quite common for a woman to become sexually aroused and have an orgasm while she's being raped. It DOESN'T mean that she consented to it or that she REALLY wanted it.

That's come as a bit of a revelation to me. Stupid, maybe, but I've always looked on myself as a dirty little whore for coming while I was being raped.

Maybe now I realise it isn't so and it WASN'T my fault maybe I can START the process of healing and forgiveness. Maybe I can even forgive myself for what happened.

I certainly hope so.

[Saffron]

Hi WF
I can't answer about the coming-whilst-being raped-thing. However, I would hazard a guess that the hormonal/primal thing could take over and that experiencing an orgasm while being raped does not necessarily mean that it was a pleasurable, consensual experience.
We have all done things we aren't proud of. Most of us have at some point behaved in a way we knew was wrong and regretted it. It doesn't mean that you "deserve" to be raped or abused!
For example: If I go out for the weekend leaving my front door unlocked and I get burgled, does that make it my fault? Some would say "yes", but does the fact that my front door was unlocked give the burglar a right to steal my things? OK, my front door wasn't locked, but was the act of entering my house and stealing my things still wrong? Of course it was! It was MY stuff, not theirs and just because they didn't have to break a window to get in does not make that theft OK.
It's a fairly simplistic analogy I know, but it's all I could think at short notice!

Saff

[Phoenix]

Thanks. You've always been nice and kind and understanding!

[Saffron]

Verity
I'm so sorry, I had no idea that you had been through such a horrible experience. The decision to end a pregnancy is a very difficult one, and I don't think anyone would judge you for the reluctant choice you had to make.

Your experience of abuse and/or rape makes your devotion to your husband's case even more poignant. You are clearly a highly intelligent, articulate lady. I think you should be a journalist!

thank you for sharing this with us.