New, hurting and scared

[Stacey]

Hi everyone, I'm very sorry to have to come to a place like this, but thanks to one of my very closest friends, I have the privilege of including myself in the 1 in 4 women that are raped in their lifetime.
I'm sorry to be sarcastic. I'm just in so much pain. I have reported what happened to the police, but I still hurt. aLl my friends and family keep calling me brave, but I still hurt, I hurt so much that I feel dead inside. I don't know how I will ever get through something like this. I don't understand why he did this to me. I don't feel very brave right now.

[diana_holbourn]

Being raped by a friend, especially someone you thought of as a close one, can be worse than being raped by a stranger, because your trust has been betrayed. You can wonder how judgments you held about a person for so long could have been so wrong, and so it shakes your confidence, especially since you can wonder if you're ever going to feel safe again if you make such bad judgments! But it wasn't really your fault for making a bad judgment. Some men/people can have split personalities, being charming sometimes and psychopathic at others; or they might make suggestive remarks and you think it's just fun, not realising how deep their perverted thinking goes!

I'm sorry to hear about this. There are some good support groups on the internet, and some good advice around on how you're likely to feel and things that can help at various stages of your recovery. Hopefully some of the people here will give you support.

[maria]

hi stacey i'm so so sorry to hear about your terrible ordeal you have come to the right place for help and for somewhere to get very good advice please try stay strong and put this animal behind bars you take care luv maria xoxoxox

[Stacey]

Thank you Maria and Diana. I'm still trying to stay brave although I definitely definitely don't feel it !! I think that I expected to find going to the police liberating, but instead it has made it all a reality. And now I'm so frightened. I'm frightened to leave my house and I'm frightened to go to sleep at night. If nothing comes of having courage enough to report, I'll probably be scared for the rest of my life, because he'll be walking the streets and I won't be free of him

[diana_holbourn]

I'm sorry to hear that.

If you contact your local police, they might be able to advise you on where you can get an attack alarm, so if you see him come near you, you can let it off, and hopefully, the high-pitched screech it makes will scare him into going away again.

You could try calming yourself down a bit by doing relaxation exercises. If you breathe slowly and deeply for several minutes, maybe breathing in to the count of 7 and out to the count of 11, it will slow down your heartbeat and stop you feeling so scared. If you do that whenever you begin to feel anxious, you might feel quite a bit better.

Try not to worry too much about what might happen if he's released or if you see him before he's arrested. These things might not happen, and worrying about them without coming to a decision about what to do if they do happen will just make you more and more anxious. Worry wastes emotional energy and makes people feel much worse, all for nothing. I think you should try to focus your mind on how you'll defend yourself in court. I suggest you research all the types of questions lawyers ask and try to think of what you'd say in response. Do it when you've relaxed yourself a bit first though, or you'll just get more upset. Remember, the better prepared you are, the more likely you are to win. Try and keep that in mind and stay hopeful. I wish you all the best. It might be a good idea to write down in as much detail everything that happened to you somewhere for your own private reference, so you can read it and memorise it not long before the trial. It's sometimes so long between the time the crime took place and the trial that the victim can be a bit hazy about the details by the time it comes up, and then if they say something that contradicts their police statement, even on one little point, the lawyer defending the rapist will point it out to the court and say it's evidence that you must be lying. You are allowed to look at your police statement before you go into court, but if you write yourself an account of what happened, you'll have more time to make sure you remember the details beforehand. If writing it down would be a bit too traumatic at the moment, perhaps wait a while.

If he does get acquitted, you can get an injunction to try to stop him coming within a certain distance of you, because he can be arrested if he does if you've got one of those. And if he threatens you in any way, keep a diary of it and let the police see it. If he does it via email or letter or phone call, you might be able to get him charged with harassment, which carries a prison sentence in the worst cases. If he does phone you up and threaten you, you can ask the police if they can record the calls, so they have evidence of any more threats he makes that way.

[maria]

hi stacey please try and go to the police with a friend or family member , if he gets away with it with you he might try rape someone else, i no it harrowing but its people like this that get away with it and people who are falsley accused suffer, it isn't going to be easy for you but untill this monster is put away i think you will always be afriad, this way he is taking away your life and freedom. please try and go and report him, it will not only save you but maybe someone else as well, good luck stay intouch with us xxx

[Stacey]

Maria, you will pleased to hear then that I have reported him to the police already!! I am in the limbo stage where he is being questioned. The police are taking statements from my friends who looked after me directly after it happened this week. Once all that is done, I've been told that the Crown Prosecution Service will look at all the statements and decide whether there is enough evidence to bother going to court about. So it's all waiting waiting waiting right now. I think that's why I'm feeling so scared, because in a very loose way, this reminds me of my feelings during being attacked. I have no control, I have no idea what is going to happen and that's just horrible to me right now. Going to the police was what would liberate me, was what I was thinking, but actually the reality is that it has swept me up in another distressing process from which I really have little escape.
BUT I hope that all this isn't discouraging to others going through the same thing. I just want to be honest. I always believed that reporting it was the end of the matter. It's more realistic to think of it as the beginning of the end. As I write, I don't know how far away the end is. If CPS see fit, the case could be dropped, He will walk free in my home town and I will get no justice. If not, then it will go to trial and hopefully the truth will win. I will certainly provide 'live updates' if anyone would find it useful/interesting. I suppose I will make a good case study! I'm prepared to share my experience openly and honestly as it happens, because I'm finding that so helpful from others too. I'm trying to stay afloat currently. Waiting for that phonecall, eh?

[diana_holbourn]

Thanks. It would be nice to hear updates about how you're getting on.

I hope you find out what's going to happen soon.

[maria]

well done stacey keep us posted x