I cant do this by myself anymore

[rosie]

Its now just over 4 years since i was raped, it took me 2 years before i could even speak to anyone about and i now think about it and get worked more than ever before.
I was on my way home from a party when i was 16 when i was attacked by a man i had met a few times at a friends house, first he just cut my arms with a knife then after he made sure i knew he was capable of really hurting me he proceeded to rape me all the time telling me how lucky i was to be with someone like him and how beautiful i was, he then threatened me that if i ever told anyone he would hurt my family. I was saved the ordeal of having to go to the police and being examined as he was killed the next day in a car accident, the only reason i would of gone to the police would be to prevent others going through the same and that was no longer an issue. When this happened i had recently started my 1st proper realtionship and it was therefore my 1st sexual experience but i felt unable to tell my boyfriend what happened and we broke up shortly after our relationship became sexual. After this i felt worthless and slept around for 2 years which in hindsight made me feel even worse. I then met someone who i really liked and decided it was time to share my experiences but he felt unable to help and support me and broke up with me shortly after. Then i became involved in a violent relationship but i felt i didnt derserve better this must all of happened to me for a reason. I have now been single and trying to get my life back on track for a year. But i have recently started a relationship with a really nice, genuine guy and am starting to feel i derserve a life again. I know i shouldnt but i still feel guilt, blame and shame for what happened, and i want to try to fully move on. But i dont know if i should tell my new boyfriend everything straight away as i dont want to get really hurt again if he doesnt like what he hears or whether i should wait? I do feel he needs an explanation as to why im often nervous and scared. All i know is that i cant do this by myself anymore. I have put on a act that all is ok to family now for 4 years and i cant carry on like it for much longer but i cant tell my mum and dad either as i dont think they would cope, they have had a lot to deal with recently and are very protective as it is. Should i tell him or leave it?
Sorry this is a really long ramble that probably doesnt make sense but i couldnt keep it in any longer.

[friday]

Hi Rosie,

Glad you found us but sorry you had to go through such a horrific experience.

You're roughly the same age as me and I was roughly the same age as you when I was raped. I'm not an expert on living after rape but I know some things that have helped me and maybe some of them could help you.

When your first sexual experience is rape it makes it very difficult to know what is "normal" and no two people react in exactly the same way why can make you feel like you aren't behaving like a typical rape victim, therefore you should just get over it. That was certainly how I felt.

The strangest thing is that rape doesn't end after the act. It completely changes the way you think, feel and behave. I think that it probably the hardest thing to deal with. The shame doesn't go away over night but it can improve and hopefully eventually go away for ever. Maybe a part of you will always blame yourself but you need to get to a point when that part is so miniscule you can just brush it away.

One of the most useful things for me was recognising which behaviours and thoughts were mine and which were a result of the rape. For example sleeping around may be something I would like to do and that is fine but if I am sleeping with someone because I don't feel there is any point saying no because they won't listen...that is a result of rape.

Another thing I have found useful is realising that I walk around with "victim" written across my forehead. It now makes sense that I would seem to end up trusting the wrong people. Realising that there are things I can do to change the way I am perceived. I have become more confident, I constantly challenge myself and as I reach each of the little goals I have set myself I become visibly less defeated. That "victim" sign on my forehead fades and is replaced by "fighter".

If this guy is worth anything he will want to protect you and help you. If he doesn't then he isn't worth your time. Saying that there is probably some logic to letting him know about the rape slowly. It is traumatic to hear that someone you care about has experienced something so awful. That way he can either ask for more information (to which you always have the right to say you don't want to talk about the details) or you can add more details when they seem necessary (e.g if you don't want to go to a certain place because it reminds you of him/the rape).

It is my opinion that you need to let your boyfriend know why you are jumpy and nervous (can be something as vague as: "something horrible happened to me a few years ago" or "i was a victim of a crime") just because he could easily get the wrong idea and think you are uncomfortable around him, scared of something really strange (e.g. facial hair, a particular smell etc) but if he knew the reason it would make far more sense!

Deep down you probably know you are not to blame. Maybe there are things you wouldn't do now (e.g. walk home alone at night) but you learn things like that when you rwalise not everyone is nice and kind and at 16 you were probably very trusting and innocent (i know i was very naive!). He broke the law, he raped you, you are not to blame for his actions. Blaming does serve a purpose, or it least it did for me, it meant i didn't need to fear every man who passed me on the street. It reaches a point where it starts to really hurt you rather than protect you.

Have you had any counselling? There are a few links on here that might be helpful if you would like some counselling.

Parents are a difficult one. My mum knows because my step brother decided to tell my step father. She doesn't know any details about what happened but knowing is useful when I get really upset about something seemingly random or don't want to be left alone with any men (except family) even if she trusts them completely. It is up to you whether you want to tell your parents. This is one thing relating to the rape that you have complete control over.

Sorry for the really long post!

[Saffron]

Wow, absolutely excellent advice from Friday. I'm afraid I have nothing to add because she has done it all. But I wanted to say Welcome. Please listen to Friday, she really does know what she's talking about. I wish she didn't but she does.

[Rights Fighter]

Well said friday!

[eastwood]

Hi rosie
My ex wife was assulted when she was very little, 6 or 7 she told me very early on in our relationship and i tried my best to give her support but she never really dealt with it or tried for counceling, in the end we parted after 28 yrs of being together the reason being she is still trying to get answers she is now waiting for counceling she is now 47, don't leave things for too long like my ex wife did we are apart but i support her every day and we both know we'll be together again one day, don't live this on your own you have nothing to be ashamed of, your attacker has but he escaped this, you take care.

[RFLH]

good post Eastwood - its a pity there aren't many more gents like you out there. I hope your ex wife finds peace of mind with the counselling.

[rosie]

Thank you for all the great advice i have taken fridays advice and have let him know that there is a reason for why i freak easily and dont sleep much etc. I have now spoken to a friend about everything that happened and she has been fantastic support and im starting to feel better already jus from bein able to talk to her! I just want to thank everyone for the fantastic advice. Rosie.

[friday]

glad to hear you have been able to open up to someone in real life. we will still always be here if you ever want to ask anything or rant. as much as speaking about it helps in the long run it can also be really painful and overwhelming at times. it may help to be aware of this so you can make sure you have support in place and so you know that it will get better but it might get worse first.

you have nothing to be ashamed of by being a victim of rape, in fact you should be proud to know you have survived something so horrific. that shows you have strength to overcome anything. if you can hang on to that knowledge through the dark times you will always come out fighting and stronger than ever.