Is it normal to be feeling this way. Please help me.

[seble]

Help - I'm not sure what to do - should I tell my husband whats happened or should I leave him?
I was abused as a child from the age of 12 to 18 from my stepdad and then it's been happening on and off since - He has left me alone for the past 6 years but then last Oct it happened again - I am now 27. I am married and have 2 children aged 2 & 6 so finding it rather difficult to cope and hide it from my husband the way I am feeling and what's happened as he also blackmails me that he will tell my husband if I say anything and that he will leave me. I threatened him that I would tell the police and he has agreed to leave me alone now as long as I dont say anything but I still see him near my street watching me - he always seems to know where I am and when I am off out.
How can I ever expect my Husband to forgive me if I cannot forgive myself? If I leave him he will be better off as I don’t have to worry about hurting him by him finding out, and living with the guilt is so hard as its just eating me up inside. I should have tried harder to stop him, there must have been something else I should have done, it does not happen to everyone so I must have done something wrong to deserve it, he wont understand how I am feeling and how every time he cuddles or touches me just reminds me of what's happened and makes me feel really sick - I know I should not feel like this as he is my husband and he would do anything for me and I love him so much but just can't bare any physical relationship with anyone after what has happened as it just makes me feel sick and pressurised. I cant explain this to him as if someone said that about me it would be really upsetting as there should be no reason why he makes me feel this way as he has done nothing wrong. I dont want anyone to know what has happened as I feel so ashamed - people might not believe me when I say I tried to stop it happening, especially that it has been happening for so long.

I did try and stop it happening. I tried as hard as I could but it was not good enough. At first when it first started happening I just froze I did tell him 'no' but that made no difference, I could not move and just laid there crying, it's hard to explain really but it's like a dream as I tried moving my arms and legs but they just didn't move, it was like I had passed out but was awake at the same time. As it became more and more often I tried to fight back but him been over 6ft and big build made it impossible. The more upset I seemed the happier he was but he just didnt like it if I tried to get away from him, he said the more I fight it the more he will hurt me. He said nothing I do will be able to stop him as I am to weak and pathetic to ever be able to stop him so I just need to accept it as he was the adult and in control and I had to do as he said or the punishment will be far worse for me and my mum. I was not aloud to speak unless I was spoken to, if I did talk without his permission I would be punished for it.
He used the belt off his dressing gown to tie my hands to my bed, and as a punishment for crying or struggling he would undress me and leave me there for hours freezing before he did what he wanted to do. Depending on how annoyed he was or how bad I had been depended on how long he would leave me there for - it was anything from 1 hour to 6 hours and he would open the windows just to make it colder. I struggled so much that it left marks all rounds my wrists, it was summer and had to wear long sleeved tops for nearly 2 weeks until the bruising had gone so that no one could see the marks. I very rarely ever did PE at School as I was too ashamed to get changed in the changing rooms in case anyone noticed the marks. It seems daft but even now I wont get changed even in front of my own husband unless it's dark and I really have to.

Even now that he has promised it wont happen again and it's all over with as long as I promise not to say anything I still worry and look over my shoulder everywhere I go worrying he might be there. He was right with everything he said - I am weak and pathetic. I will never get him out of my life. So he has won again. I wish I had the courage to go to the police and get him stopped as if he ever does this to anyone else it will be my fault - I will be to blame and it's making me feel so bad knowing that I could prevent him from doing this to someone else but just cannot go through with it.

I managed to cope with it all before but since it happened again in Oct it all seems so hard to cope with - maybe because of the guilt now I am married, as at least before I was not with anyone so did not have to worry about anyone else getting hurt.
I just don’t think I have the strength anymore to be able to deal with it. I hate it that I feel so emotional all the time, the slightest thing makes me tearful and cry, my stomach feels like it's tied in knots with the worry of it all. It's so hard to sleep longer than a few hours at a time as I wake up thinking about everything that has happened and trying to find ways in which I should have tried to prevent or stop it happening.
I cannot tell my husband as I'm frightened he will leave me and what he will say or do as the man that has done this to me works local to us as he is my brothers dad and I could not bare for my family to know.

Surely I should not still be feeling this way - Is there something wrong with me? - it has all stopped happening now - so far anyway but I feel worse now than I ever have. I really don’t know what to do now to make everything ok as I cannot live anymore like this. I have never felt this low before and frightening myself with the way I have been feeling. I feel so guilty as I have confided in a friend at work but I feel like I am bothering her as she does not speak to me unless I talk to her so I just hope I have not made her feel uncomfortable to be around me. I should never have bothered her with my problems but I feel so alone with no one to turn to for help.

Does anyone else feel the same? How do you manage to cope with it and what can I do to start feeling back to normal again?


Sorry If I have upset anyone I dont mean to.

[RFLH]

seble - you must go to the doctors as soon a you can, tell him what is happening. Get a friend to be with you when you tell your husband and then go to the police.

I know this is simplistic and much harder to do than say, but you must do it for the sake of your sanity and your family.

None of this is your fault - it is his. You have done nothing wrong - he is an abuser and should be punished, but no-one can get him punished unless you make the first move.

There are lovely and kind people out there who can help you every step of the way and you deserve to have a happy life with your family.

Do you have a close friend you can confide in and who would go with you to provide moral support?

Do not feel ashamed, you have done nothing to be ashamed of - I won't call you a victim, because you have posted and have taken the first step - you are a survivor. Be strong and keep posting.

If you want to send a pm to me please do so.

[seble]

There is just no way I could ever tell anyone else. I told a friend and she promised to help me and come to councelling with me but has now backed off and hardly speaks to me unless I talk to her if I text her she replies but very short answers as if she would rather not help me but feels like she has to. I dont want to put on anyone and dont have the courage to go to councelling alone.

I never want my husband to find out or anyone else in my family as they will all hate me.
If I had the courage to go to the police I would but have no evidence now so what good would it do? It would just put me through all the pain of telling them and he would still be getting away with it.

Thank you so much for your support it really helps having someone here to talk to. I feel so lost and alone and dont know where to turn, I just feel like running away from everything and everyone - but I have my children so cannot do that otherwise I think I would.

[RFLH]

Go to your doctors and ask for their help. They'll talk you through everything and help you cope.

I don't know where you are, but if you phone http://rasasc.bizview.co.uk/ they should be able to help you. There's also the Samaritans http://www.samaritans.org/

You know that you have to talk to someone because if you don't let it out it will take you over and affect the rest of your life. Please don't leave it 50 years like me before you do something, otherwise your life will be a lie.

Your children need a well mum, and at the moment you're poorly and need to be healed.

Don't carry this burden and shame with you, if your family are angry then so be it, but you may not be the only one he's doing this to, if you speak out you can stop this evil man and send him to where he belongs.

I know its hard, but be brave and make the first step. That will empower you to carry on walking into your new life with your family.

[Saffron]

Hello and welcome. I am sorry you had to find us, but glad that you did. You have been through a tremendous ordeal and you have taken the right steps byt finding an outlet where you can vent your thoughts.

I would urge you to go to the police with this. You might think that there is no point, but what if he is doing this to someone else, someone younger and just as afraid as you were? I think you could be surprised at the sensitivity with which the police deal with you. The police force is honour-bound to be gentle and kind to survivors, even if the crime is a historic one (ie: no DNA evidence). If you look at some of the threads on this site, almost all survivors praise the police for their kindness and sensitivity.

The fact that this all happened a while ago and there will be no DNA evidence does not matter one iota.

I know that going to the police is a huge step, so if you feel you can't do that then at least please go to your GP. S/he is bound by the Hippocratic (SP?) Oath and will not divulge to any third party anything that you tell him/her. Please ask your friend to go with you.

Finally, I would suggest that you explain what has happened to your partner. I doubt that he would blame you, although it may be very difficult for him to assimilate what you tell him. He will probably be absolutely horrified. Even though this abuse started when you were a child, long before he was part of your life, he will still feel guilt that he couldn't stop it, especially the most recent abuse. But in my book relationships are based on honesty: yes, it might be tough for a while, but you will emerge as a far stronger partnership than you could ever have imagined.

I echo what RFLH has said - your kids need you to be well. I have been an "unwell" mum myself (not "unfit", just "unwell") and I know that it damaged them, much tomy eternal shame. So please do get some help. Either go to the police and make a statement, or go and see your doctor.

And as a final note - keep posting! Better out than in.

S x

[seble]

Thank you both of you for your replies. It's so nice of you both. I didnt think anyone would be this nice to me after what's happened.

I know going to the police is the right thing but I cannot bring myself to do it, I just would not know where to start. But what if he does this again to someone else - I will be to blame it will be all my fault. I feel so stuck and trapped I dont know what to do I just wish I had someone I could turn to that would not judge me.
Do you know what would happen if I did go to the police? Have you been through the same? I just dont know what to expect. I am so scared that If I report him and nothing is done about it he will come after me. If I did go to the police would my husband end up finding out or do you think I could do it without anyone else knowing?

Thanks RFLH for those websites - I live in Leeds so I have emailed the Samaritans - thanks so much. I dont think I can talk to them in person though but I have emailed them.

I always look after my kids and put them first I would not let anything happen to them - it's them that's keeping me going.

It's so hard to understand I just dont get why I am feeling so bad after all I am still alive with a lovely family and all I can think about is things that have happened in the past - so why does it still hurt so much. None of this makes sense. Yeah I still get calls from him and texts but they dont hurt me so I should just try and ignore them but I can't.

Thanks so much for your support - it is really needed at the minute.

[RFLH]

You're feeling so bad becaue it hasn't been resolved and you'll keep feeling this way until he's been punished.

I'm sure you're a wonderful mum, you sound it, but just think what a difference it will make to them to have a happy and relaxed mum.

I'm not saying its going to be easy, Saffron is right - but in your heart you know you have to stop him from doing it again.

You say you have texts from him - if they are threatening or make you feel uncomfortable then show them to the police.

Don't worry about anyone else apart from your own little family. They deserve to be kept safe and away from this man.

http://www.supportafterrapeleeds.org...arsvl-why-now/

[seble]

I cannot keep the texts as my husband might see them so I have to delete them straight away. He was sat in his car at the top of my street today waiting for when I got home from work. Just seeing him frightens me so much.

How would I tell the police and do you know what would happen?

[RFLH]

Just go in and ask to see a woman police officer if it'd make you feel easier, they'd take you into a side room and you just tell them, they'll do the rest. I'm not saying it'll be easy but it must be done for your own peace of mind.

If he's harassing you then he can be made to keep away from you. The police will protect you.

I wish I lived near you, I'd go with you.

[friday]

your husband will want to protect you not be angry at you. he may be angry at himself for not realising it had happened or feel guilty that he was unable to stop it but he will know that you were unable to prevent it happening and you are not in anyway to blame. maybe it would be easier to speak to someone about it before you speak to him. i found that the more i spoke the easier it became to speak about it but first of all i had to write it down before i could even utter the words out loud. there are some links to useful websites and phonelines on here (can't rememember where exactly...). you could try ringing rasaac even thats easier than speaking face to face. they have no connection with the police so anything you say remains with them but if you wanted to report it they can support you through the process.

what ever you do is up to you. that is one thing you have complete control over and that he cannot take away from you.
x

[seble]

I just could not ever bring myself to telling him - I dont think things would ever be the same again if I told him. I think he would be so hurt that I didnt tell him sooner.
If I manage to ever get the courage to talk about this to a councellor I think it might help but I find it so difficult getting the words to come out as I just cannot say them. I wish I was stronger like everyone else.
Thanks x

[RFLH]

This man isn't going to leave you alone - he'll continue to ruin your life. Just sit and think for a while - are you prepared to spend your life living in fear? What about your children? Do you think he may be a risk to them?

I can't predict how your husband would be if you told him, but I'm sure once he'd got over the initial emotions, that he would only want the best for you and help you put this man where he belongs.

Be brave, make the first move by going and telling your doctor. Once you've told one person, it'll be easier the next time. I promise.

Just imagine that I'm walking by your side and pick up the phone, don't be put off by the receptionist, tell her its an emergency and get in as fast as you can. We'll be here with you every step of the way.

But please, take that first step because as soon as you do, the healing will begin and you'll be able to live your life to the full.

[seble]

I dont want to live my life in fear, There is nothing I would like more than to be able to get him out of my life but just too scared to do it. I have 2 boys so don't think they are at risk at all as he only into woman/girls he said he has only ever done this to me and does not want anyone else.

I have got an appoinment for 11am today - so thank you for making me see sense - I know I have to help myself now.
What will I say to the doctor though? I dont know how to tell them - I dont want it going down on my files so that everyone knows about it. I could only get an appointment with a male doctor so feel a bit scared about that but I will try.

I can't believe you dont even know me and you are helping me and giving me this support - you are such a kind person that you even have the time to reply to me. Your family is lucky to have someone like you. I wish I had someone in my family that I could turn to that was as understanding as you are.
Thanks

[RFLH]

That made me smile seble - my husband traded me in for a younger model last week!!

The doctor will be fine with you, you won't be the first person who he'll have heard the same thing from and you'll get the help you need.

I'm so pleased that you're making the first step, you'll come out feeling as if a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Keep posting and you'll get all the support and advice you need.

I dread to think what's in my files - enough to make a film I should imagine!! Don't even give it a passing thought!

[seble]

I'm so sorry to hear about you and your husband - are you ok.

The same goes for you I am here for you if you need to talk, you have been so good to me and it would be nice to be able to help you too through your tough times.

I have been to the doctors - didnt tell him much but he saw how nervous I was so gave me diazapam he said it is lowest dose but will help calm my nerves and hopefully help me sleep. I dont want to be drugged up though so not sure if I should take them,(what would you do) I will try one today whilst I am not working so I can see how they go but thought I might be best just taking one before bed rather than 4 times a day - not sure what they really are but thought the were for depression or something? I am not depressed just upset. He wants to see me again in 2 weeks to see how I am getting on and to see if I could tell him why I was like this.
I feel better already knowing I managed to go even though I didnt tell anyone but if I can just manage to start sleeping better again I think I should feel a lot better in myself.