A year since he was found not guilty...

[friday]

and i am just as f**ked off as i was then. I am so angry at the system for letting him lie continuosly but not allowing me to prove that he lied. I am angry at the jury for not convicting him when everyone else who saw the evidence thought it was obvious he was guilty. I am angry at his barrister for defending him because he didn't believe he was innocent, even apologising and saying he couldnt believe he got away with it. I am angry that the woman on the jury called in sick cos she couldnt be bothered but managed to make it in when they said she would have to give a good excuse or they would have to restart with a new jury. I am angry that the jury werent allowed to know he had skipped bail for months and they couldnt find him and they only found him when he was caught buying weed in the area his bail conditions stated he wasnt allowed in and yet he was allowed to claim he was a reformed character and no longer smoked weed. I am angry that my mental health was used against me yet I wasn't allowed a psychiatrist to give a report to show that my condition did not make me 'delusional' or have mood changes within minutes or hours. I am angry that the fact I am articulate, well-spoken and choose my words carefully may have gone against me because i could seem calculating and that tw*tface played the part of a stupid, but hardworking immigrant and claimed to be unable to speak good english when he managed to speak perfectly good english 2 years before.
But most of all I am angry that over 3 years on it is still eating me up inside. The nightmares are everynight and it is wearing me down. It has made an impact on so many areas of my life. I am constantly on edge, it seems anything can trigger the memories (either visual or emotional like fear) from cigarettes to films, to phrases. Who would have thought the phrase "you're no fun now" in csi could reduce me to such a mess?
I am sorry for ranting and rambling but I can't pretend this week has been easy. It is not the fact that he was not found guilty that tears me apart, it is that he was found NOT GUILTY. to the world that means he didnt do it, not that it wasnt possible to prove he did.

[RFLH]

Friday I do feel for you. Sometimes the system is rotten to the core,

One day he'll slip up and his world will crumble around him and you can sit back and watch him squirm.

[friday]

that scares me even more cos i doubt i was the first and doubt i will be the last he does this to. how many people have to get hurt before justice is done? and i doubt this accusation could even be brought up since he was found not guilty.

[RFLH]

At least it'll show up on the DNA data base.

[friday]

thats something i guess. but would his dna have been taken if it was an issue of consent and there was no dna from the crime as i didnt report it straight away? or would it just be fingerprints?

[Rights Fighter]

Despite the not guilty verdict it will inevitably show up on some sort of database, the allegations might still be on CRB checks for instance.

[RFLH]

Since he was arrested his DNA would be taken as a matter of course, along with his fingerprints.

[friday]

hopefully that will be a deterrent for him. actually i hope he gets caught doing something unrelated and gets sent down and accidentally lets slip what he did. i'm not normally one for revenge but fantasy revenge at least makes me feel slightly better cos he is stupid enough to actually find himself in a situation similar to that but it means i get to maintain that i never sought revenge (just hoped karma was real)

[Saffron]

He will get what is coming to him Friday. I firmly believe that there is no fate but what we make (Terminator 2, thank you for that piece of philosophy!) and he has well and truly made his. It will all catch up with him one day.
Stop being so hard on yourself. Look over your shoulder to see how far you have come.
xx

[sammy64]

The system ...

Bless you Saffron, It frightened me when I read your experiences...I thought I was STRONG, "only been 4 weeks and I'm fine". is what I thought.!!I'm ok now!! Not so though, I'm feeling worse,I'm still hiding behind closed curtains and locked doors, putting up traps in case someone tries to come in.. more helpless and angry, knowing I have to go through the humiliation of being in court....my life being torn apart by the RAPISTs barrister...Not guilty???? your 3 years on and still feeling it every day and so angry. I wish I could take the hurt/anger/fright/emotions/tears.......away for you.x But I can't imagine still feeling like this in 3 years, it frightens the life out of me. I realise now, I'm going to see hisrapist face forever ....WHY are they allowed to get away with it?? The rape is bad enough, but all that comes after it, is undescribable..I hope and pray I dont feel this way in 6 months time but know I will have this fright/anger/worries/etc for the rest of my life...I will fight this beast till I die....sorry for going on...take care x

[friday]

things are a bit better this week. im hoping that they will stay this way if not improve. got to keep moving forward instead of dwelling on the past.

sammy, it won't get better straight away and learning to trust people and not be constantly scared will take time but eventually it will become easier although you will have some days when you feel you have gone right back to square one. a lot of people seem to cope really well initially but that is just a coping mechanism to get you through the initial trauma. then comes the difficult part which will get you through it in the long term. i know i seemed to cope as though nothing had happened for about 3 months but you cant keep that up for ever.

[RFLH]

well done Friday. Hope you're keeping up with all your uni work!

[sammy64]

chin up...

It comes in waves doesnt it? I thought I was superhuman, coping well, but after the video statement I woke early hours of the morning just sobbing, and I couldnt stop..I still live behind closed curtains, locks everywhere etc, I don't trust or like anyone (even family) I just think they dont seem to understand or care !!!! I think the worst thing (apart from the rape) was the total lack of support from anywhere...This site is my prop...and has been the most help ...Do you live alone? I do..I want to move, cos I live in a cul de sac and his family only live 5 doors away. But then I think WHY should I go through the upheaval of moving!!!!! Im so frightened. I had victim support come and sort my locks out, but found out yesterday that my front door lock doesnt work, anyone could just pull down the handle and get in....I am disabled and have an intercom system, which i cant use now because I have to put chubb lock on all the time...I realise this is never going away but it sometimes makes me stronger because i think, He not going to get away with ruining my life.....easier said than done....I'm going to follow up at the Haven on Thursday, do you know what happens then?...I do HOPE you feel BETTER, I'm here if you need to chat. sorry to go on so much, take care .xx

[friday]

hi sammy, i live on my own too but in a hostel so there is security there at night. not that that helps, i just get scared of them too! i moved away after the second trial because his bail condition no longer existed and i was living 5 mins away from where he worked and his family lives and works. it felt unfair but the police told me to be out in less than 2 weeks, not sure why but they didnt believe i was safe.
ive never been to haven so have no idea what they are like, hope they are helpul. they may refer you to counselling or something.

RFLH, its reading week so no work, thank god. not even much reading! just going to do boring stuff like blood tests and doctors appointments and should probably visit my mum. i went out for halloween and got told i fell and banged my head on the floor really hard a couple of weeks ago, might explain the headaches... so if i dont want concussion i think i have no choice but to calm down. vegan nachos and dvds for me i think.

[sammy64]

Blimey.

Please don;t fall over, you obviously need to stick to veggie stuff..he he..Cor blimey my friend, aint it hard?. do you have children? you in hostel? oh my god, makes me feel weaker because you must be having it so much harder than i am...I am going to do something about helping raped women....I feel I need to...dont you? These are the times I get angry and stop feeling sorry for myself (done it for 2 days).and want to do summinck bout it...HELP someone, thats the way im going forward cos gives me something else to focus on, whether i should do this or not i don't know, but.....US RAPE VICTIMS need more SUPPORT....I told my daughter vaguely about this site, and wished id not..because these are my private thoughts...her name is sammy, so can you be aware please x she means well, bless her . but this is MY site . take care all x