No one to turn too

[sammy64]

I was raped last week and had the police and forensic ordeal, but i am still awake and on my own with no help or support from anyone..The police are just pressing me to make a video statement, I feel that they just want to me to do this so they can get on with the case...I wanted to make video statement, but they have just made me feel as though im in the wrong..They told my daughter things about the man who raped me, but didnt tell me.!!! things like he couldnt come down my road or contact me, that he said i consented even though blood was running down my face,I wanted him to carry on !!! Why didnt they tell ME this??? I am frightened and alone..I have tried rape crisis and the Havens where i went, but there was no one there to talk to or help me....I cant do this on my own,..i know i should but am so frightened to even go out...i am jumpy nervous and wish i was dead.. I am a strong woman but feel this is all too much.....Ive just found this site after being on computer for 15 hours....I know im just rambling on, but at least i can say things to you...thanks for this site...sorry to have not made sense, but non of it makes any sense...

[Saffron]

Hi Sammy64 and welcome.

I'm so sorry to hear of your ordeal. It sounds as though the police treated you very badly, which surprises me. First of all, although you are probably feeling very isolated, you are *not* alone. It could be worth approaching Rape Crisis again, although they are busy they should be able to talk to you.

Part of the attacker's bail conditions will be that he does not contact you. Is he known to you? If he has been told not to approach you it sounds as though he is someone who knows you and where you live. The argument of consent is absolutely normal, as many survivors will tell you - he will claim that you consented. However if you have physical injuries this is very compelling evidence that you were not a willing participant.

Have you been offered counselling? the rape suite that the police would have taken you to should have offered you some sort of support. If not, then get yourself to your GP and explain what has happened. Take a friend with you for support.

Hold on tight! You have done the hardest part, which is going to the police. Take a deep breath and get yourself to the doctors. There will no doubt be others along shortly who can offer you more practical advice, but in the meantime I wanted to say welcome and well done. You might not feel like it, but you *are* moving in the right direction.

Saffron

[RFLH]

Hi Sammy64, I'm so sorry to read of your ordeal and since.

As Saffron has said you've been so strong so far, although you may not feel it. Please try the Samaritans too, they do a wonderful job.

Take things at your own pace and if you have a friend you can lean on do so.

Please keep posting, either on the forum or by sending private pm's.

Talking really does help.

[Rights Fighter]

Hi Sammy64

Having no sleep will do nothing for your mental health. If you cannot sleep I would suggest you see your GP and explain what happened. He/she may well refer your for counselling and also give you something in the short term to help you sleep.

You could ask the police if they would allow you to have an independent person (one who cannot give evidence should a trial arise) to support you during a video interview.

If you cannot do this for yourself think about others this man may attack later on. Too many men get away with this crime.

Everything else that has been advised and suggested - ditto a hundred times!

Keep coming back here to get online support while you try to sort yourself out in a practical manner via your GP.

[sammy64]

thankyou .

Thanks for replying to me. It does help. Thankyou .

[sammy64]

Help...

I have tried again to get some sort of help/support. I rang Victim support, rape crisis, The Haven where i was taken last week, and not one of them answered. They all have answerphone messages saying "Sorry no one available at moment" ....!!!!! How do I get someone to help me? ? . Where do I go ??? Its disgusting, I feel so alone and confused. Thanks for letting me write to you.

[Rights Fighter]

You could try the Samaritans although I have to say when I've rung them they've made feel worse with their over-sympathetic tones! However, it works for some people so you could give them a go. There might be a branch in your area where you could make an appointment to see somebody? Better than talking to a faceless person on the end of a telephone.

In cases I have dealt with the complainant has usually had a police liaison officer allocated to them. It might be worth asking for somebody although they may not do this until you have done your DVD interview.

[sammy64]

Help...

Thanks for reply. I have rung the samaritans, and as you say, they only made me feel worse. They had nothing to say and didnt understand.. I felt embarrassed and apologized for calling, they just said ok bye...!!!!!!

[RFLH]

well that's not very helpful of them.

Keep posting here - as much or as little as you feel able to. It will help.

[isi]

Hi Sammy,

I completely understand how you are feeling. The police should have been alott more supportive. Did you go to a Saphire Team? Sometimes it can feel as if you are being blamed or not believed but the fact that they want you to do a video statement says alot that they do believe you. Unfortunately police officers are not councellors and can come across quite insensitive and I think you are right they are just about getting the job done but they are only human too. I think they have seen it happen so much that they become immune to feelings.

Its appalling that your dd knows more than you. Have you been allocated a SOIT officer? if so it may put your mind at rest if you contact him/her and tell them how anxious you are about it all and that you would like to be the first person and only person to be informed of any progress, bail conditions etc. You sound very frightened and worried and anything that can help you should be persued.

Which Haven did you go to? have you called them to see a councellor? Rightfighter suggested going to your G.P which I would also reccomend and they can prescribe something to sleep but only have it if it is the last option.. Meds are a great relief I can tell you but you have to weigh up if the side effect/withdrawal from them are worth the sleep. They definately helped me when I needed them.

Making a video statement is really hard but once you are in the room you forget where you are and you find yourself talking about what happened. They are not trying to catch you out or judging you by doing the video statement its just they need it to go to court with.

If you want to pm me feel free, and please keep us updated so we know you are ok. I know you need as much support as you can get and we are here to help all we can.

Isi x

[sammy64]

Help...

Thanks again for reply. I went to Haven at Camberwell, saphire team. My SOIT officer went on holiday the next day and will be back Monday so I hope she will be able to help me...I dont even know what im looking or asking for anymore...Thanks for your help. Im going to try and go to shops now, I know I need to go out but am frightened, but im going....Im strong.....

[isi]

Not a good time for your SOIT officer to go on holiday but hopefully you can gain some reassurance when she returns. Generally the Saphire teams are really good and have some good results. Have you tried the Haven at white chapel, they have really lovely staff there and one of them has been nominated for a reward for all the work she has done. They also have someone on call that you can phone that may be able to help you. There is a sticky with contact info for Samaritans if you feel really desperate, I have used them in the past when I have been on the verge of feeling like I was going senile and the sympathetic voice actually ends up lulling you to sleep.

I hope you didnt find going out too difficult?

Isi x

[sammy64]

Thanks

Hi Isi, thanks for your valuable help. I assume you were raped and been through this process. This site is the only support Ive had and its been so helpful especially from you. I did manage to go to shop yeasterday, i needed milk etc..I did buy some vodka and drank the lot, cried alot and then got very angry because I know what I should do but dont feel that I am capable of going through with it, even though I want too . My officer comes back tomorrow so Im sure she will be able to answer lots of my questions. I just wonder what would happen if I didnt go through with it. I know that he would have gotten away with it but am so worried about the whole scenario. I know i will be no good in court and frightened after the court case because he has lots of family, some who live just 5 doors away. Ive thought about moving and all sorts of things as you can imagine. I dont have any family support and even though I have friends, they dont and cant understand what im going through, they just say, "well youve got to take him to court" and when I say "Im not sure I can "they look at me with dismay......Do you know how long I can take before I make the video statement? Thanks once again x

[RFLH]

sammy - I think all ladies feel the way you do, it's fear of the unknown, but you should be guided through the whole process - it can't be worse than you've already been through.

I've been where you are, but 35+ years ago rape in marriage didn't exist. If I hope I'd have had the courage to do what you are doing. You need closure for your own peace of mind.

If you could move (it makes me mad that you should have to) it may relieve a bit of the pressure that you're under. Also its something else to concentrate on and you have control over that.

Try not to find solace in a bottle - it doesn't work, the problems are still there but you've got a headache to contend with as well!!

[Rights Fighter]

Hi Sammy64

If you have not already done so why don't you PM one of us with your rough whereabouts (you don't need to give your address) and if we know of anybody in your area maybe we might find you some support? Just a thought.

Like RFLH I've said no to a husband (or partner) and they've climbed on and taken what they wanted anyway. Although this is not "the same" as being violently attacked during a rape - it is still rape.

Some of us have also experienced stuff when we were children too - equally horrible.

So please feel free to PM members you have come to trust.

In relation to a trial you can request "special measures" which means you can either give evidence from behind a screen so that your assailant cannot see you, or in some circumstances it can be done via video-link. You in a room away from the court room.

However, to take this further is your choice, and your choice alone. Real friends should not be pressuring you to do anything but support whatever choice you decide to make.

If you can move, then maybe that would be something positive to do as you can start afresh.

I'm a vodka queen too and as RFLH says, it doesn't actually help in the long run. It might make you feel better while you are drinking it but then the following day you are possibly hung over and a few quid out of pocket.