Was I raped?

[Trixieisme]

I went out friday night and met up with a friend. As the night went on, I got trashed. Lots of shots and beer. I remember being on the dance floor, dancing, and after that, it's all gone. I have flashes of bits and pieces, but nothing of sex. However, my husband came out into our driveway at 245am and found me and this other guy, in my car, both of our pants were down at our ankles, and I was passed out. My husband brought my into the house and put my to bed, then went outside to talk to the other guy...asked if we had sex, he said no, that I wouldn't let him. However, it was that time of the month for me, and my husband had to actually go in my to get the tampon out, so we know that something happened. Then, I asked the guy from the other night, and he said that we did have sex. I don't remember any of it. I know that I would have never consented to anything, because of my husband. I love him with all my heart, and would never do anything like that to him.

I don't know what to do....was I raped? My husband said that when he found me in my car, I could have in no way consented to sex. I was in no way coherent enough.

Thanks....

[RFLH]

I'm sorry to hear of this. I think you may find the information you're loking for below.


Part 1 Sexual Offences

Rape

1 Rape

(1) A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a) he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person ( with his penis,
(b) B does not consent to the penetration, and
(c) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
(2) Whether a belief is reasonable is to be determined having regard to all the circumstances, including any steps A has taken to ascertain whether B consents.
(3) Sections 75 and 76 apply to an offence under this section.
(4) A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable, on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for life.

Assault

2 Assault by penetration

(1) A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a) he intentionally penetrates the vagina or anus of another person ( with a part of his body or anything else,
(b) the penetration is sexual,
(c) B does not consent to the penetration, and
(d) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
(2) Whether a belief is reasonable is to be determined having regard to all the circumstances, including any steps A has taken to ascertain whether B consents.
(3) Sections 75 and 76 apply to an offence under this section.
(4) A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable, on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for life.
3 Sexual assault

(1) A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a) he intentionally touches another person (,
(b) the touching is sexual,
(c) B does not consent to the touching, and
(d) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
(2) Whether a belief is reasonable is to be determined having regard to all the circumstances, including any steps A has taken to ascertain whether B consents.
(3) Sections 75 and 76 apply to an offence under this section.
(4) A person guilty of an offence under this section is liable—
(a) on summary conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 6 months or a fine not exceeding the statutory maximum or both;
(b) on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 10 years.

Causing sexual activity without consent

4 Causing a person to engage in sexual activity without consent

(1) A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a) he intentionally causes another person ( to engage in an activity,
(b) the activity is sexual,
(c) B does not consent to engaging in the activity, and
(d) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
(2) Whether a belief is reasonable is to be determined having regard to all the circumstances, including any steps A has taken to ascertain whether B consents.
(3) Sections 75 and 76 apply to an offence under this section.
(4) A person guilty of an offence under this section, if the activity caused involved—
(a) penetration of B’s anus or vagina,
(b) penetration of B’s mouth with a person’s penis,
(c) penetration of a person’s anus or vagina with a part of B’s body or by B with anything else, or
(d) pehttp://www.opsi.gov.uk/acts/acts2003/ukpga_20030042_en_2netration of a person’s mouth with B’s penis,
is liable, on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for life.
(5) Unless subsection (4) applies, a person guilty of an offence under this section is liable—
(a) on summary conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 6 months or to a fine not exceeding the statutory maximum or both;
(b) on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 10 years.



http://www.opsi.gov.uk/acts/acts2003..._20030042_en_2

[Trixieisme]

Thank you for replying...unfortunately, that doesn't really make sense to me...I think it's just because my head is so boggled trying to figure out what happened the other night....

[Rights Fighter]

Possibly it didn't get as far as penile penetration - hubby coming out could possibly have prevented that. It could have been digital penetration.

Why are you still talking to "the guy from the other night?" Maybe in his mind digital penetration is "having sex" hence his admission.

[Trixieisme]

My husband wanted me to ask him if we did have sex. Figured maybe he'd give me a different answer...so I texted him and asked him, and he said yes, we did. But I know, between the fact that I am married and had a tampon in, I would have never knowingly concented to the sex...

[RFLH]

have a read of this

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6497889.stm

[Trixieisme]

Well, if I am reading that correctly, they say that if the person has dranked an amount that makes them unable to make a conscious decision...I would think that the point that I blacked out would mean that I was beyond that point, correct? I have been trying to remember something...anything that would tell me what happened...and I can't come up with anything.

[friday]

the problem with alcohol is that it creates a grey area. a woman may be unable to remember because she was so intoxicated but the man may have believed she were consenting (even if it was drunken consent). bad decisions when drunk are not illegal (many women have sex when they would have never done when they were sober). if, however, a woman is unconscious from alcohol she is unable to consent and a man cannot claim she consented as she obviously could not have.

this is a really difficult situation. the question is whether you were unconscious or drunkenly consented. no one here knows the answer to that. possibly the only person who does is the man in question. if your husband said you were incoherent then you probably would have been unable to consent but we weren't there to tell you what happened. do you remeber getting into your car? how did you get in? can you piece together any of what happened (try writing down anything you remember)

i wish i could help make things clearer for you.
x

[Trixieisme]

I remember dancing to a song I knew...then there's just pieces. I remember a shot, then I remember crying, then I remember hearing him say "ok, we're at xxxx st, now where? wake up, which way?" then the next thing is my husband's face. That's it til the next morning. I've been trying to force myself to remember more...it's not working...my husband doesn't want me to keep doing that...he wants me to not think about it, as much as I can. I don't remember leaving the bar, getting into my car, wanting to leave the bar, asking him to drive me home (why didn't I just call my husband?)...I dont remember any of it...

[Saffron]

Just a few things....
If the guy waited in the driveway while your husband took you inside and put you to bed, it's possible that he didn't think he had done anything wrong. (apart from getting it on with a married woman of course. Unless he didn't realise that your husband was actually your husband...possibly he thought he was a housemate/friend?) Even if he thought your husband was a housemate, if he knew he had done something wrong, surely he would have scarpered? It is entirely possible that this man was also very drunk, and therefore can't remember exactly what happened...although if he was drunk and drove you home then he is extremely stupid!

Without wishing to be too graphic, it is possible for tampons to get "lost" and have to be recovered manually without any sort of penetration having happened. Especially if you have been very physically active.

Did you know this man before this happened? You obviously have his contact details, so there must at least have been an exchange of numbers.

I agree with Friday - the issue is whether you drunkenly consented, or whether you were unconscious. I know that in the past (to my shame) I have had drunken nights out that I don't remember, although the people I was with have told me what I said/did in great detail the following day. (including running the length of Tower Bridge in my underwear! although to be honest I do vaguely remember that one.)

Unfortunately not being able to remember does not mean that you were unconscious.

I hope that you can find the answers you are looking for.

[Rights Fighter]

Saffron said: I know that in the past (to my shame) I have had drunken nights out that I don't remember, although the people I was with have told me what I said/did in great detail the following day. (including running the length of Tower Bridge in my underwear! although to be honest I do vaguely remember that one.)

Ye gods you sound a bit like me! I know I've woken up with some bloke I would never look twice at thinking "who the hell are you???!"

[RFLH]

blimey - I've lead a sheltered life - nearly!

I once got thrown out of a Rugby Club dance ..........

[Saffron]

what for, RFLH?! I didn't think it was possible to get thrown out of a rugby club party! The University I went to had a very large and successful rugby team, and their parties were crazyyyyyy.....Throwing beer at each other is a terrible waste in my opinion, but hey....each to their own....

Seriously though, there have been a few occasions in my wild youth when I have woken up with a man next to me and thought "what the hell....?" It's not a pleasant experience. Although one of them eventually became my husband....

Seriously, Tixieisme, I don't know what to suggest. What does your husband think of all this? Is he angry with you? Does he feel hurt? Do you think your drink may have been spiked? This is obviously bothering you, or you wouldn;t be here. What is your honest feeling about it? I hope you can find the answers you are looking for.

[RFLH]

I think it was two things - making rude remarks about the drummer.

and trying to recite ' he wasn't a pheasant plucker, he was a pheasant pluckers son'.

allegedly ...............

[Trixieisme]

My husband is hurt that I went out and met up with an old friend, who was actually an ex boyfriend, but we had been able to be just friends for almost two years. I didn't go out to meet up with him, I went out and he called and wanted to know what I was up to, so he came to hang out. I have lots of guy friends, so it wasn't odd, as far as I could see. I dont know if my drink could have been spiked...I vaguely remember once or twice walking away from the table where my drink was, before he got there, and then I know I went off to dance and left him alone with my drink...so who knows.

I know that I would have never knowingly consented to sex with another man. I love my husband and would never do anything to mess that up.

Saffron - From what my husband told me, the other guy wasn't waiting in the driveway, he had started walking down the street, and my husband came back out to look for my keys, saw him walking down the street, yelled out to ask him where my keys were, and that was when the other guy realized he couldn't find his keys either.