Daughter and date rape

[sunshine]

My daughter is now eighteen and two months before her 16 birthday she was date raped. She was a virgin .She said no several times to him and after the rape he said she was number 72.
She told us three months after and wont give his name although he was nineteen at the time.
She refused to go to councilling and since she has made two attempts on her life and has sex with men that she hardley knows. She knows her behavior is wrong, she doesn't enjoy it. I'm trying to understand her but finding it difficult. I'm sure her behavior stems from the date rape also her depression as well but how do I get her to have councilling?
Its almost three years since the date rape.She has had one relationship where she loved the lad and he loved her and they didn't have a sexual relationship but she pushed him away and ended the relationship. I know she needs help but she doesn't reconize that she does.
Any advice would be welcome
Thanks

[friday]

hi,
your daughter is lucky to have such a supportive mother.

i was raped when i was 16 by a 23 year old man. i'd only just met him and we were meant to be going to see a band but we were not in a relationship. it took me a year to tell the police and over 2 years for my mum to find out. i didnt tell her but my stepbrother told my stepdad so eventually they found out. i didnt tell her at the time mainly because i blamed myself. its not uncommon for a rape victim to feel this way and its pretty likely that was a factor in why your daughter didnt tell you straight away. i blamed myself for being naive enough to trust the man, i dont know your daughters circumstances but its likely she put herself in a vulnerable position (eg by being alone with him, drinking alcohol etc) but of course these are things we all do all the time and do not think twice about because you never expect that nice person could ever do anything so horrific.

like your daughter i was a virgin. it may sound odd but i think this was a huge factor in why i didnt initially report it to the police. since i had never had sex i had no idea what sex was meant to be like. i knew i had said no, but i didnt know that it was rape, i still believed rape was someone jumping out from the bushes with a knife. i also didnt tell my mum because i have never talked about boys or sex with her ever. i wouldnt have known what to say and i would have been so embarassed.

i was also worried she would blame herself. she was away on the night it happened, so only my granddad was hope. it wasnt her fault for not being there though, im not sure if she had have been home i would have been able to go home anyway. i didnt want anyone to see me in that state.

the longer i waited the more i tried to block it out. i convinced myself it was normal, and that he had just made a mistake because he was drunk. it wasnt until i actually began drinking as an adult that i realised a man does not get drunk on 2 glasses of wine and that he was 100% sober and knew exactly what he was doing.

aftter the first week i couldnt tell my mum because i hadnt already. a year later i think my mum started to pick up hints but she never said anything, how could she slip something like that into conversation? i blank out when watching rape scenes in tv programs, flinch at certain phrases, stuff like that said something wasnt right but she couldnt just ask if i'd been raped. even seeing my injuries she blindly accepted my explanation, despite the fact it just didnt ring true.
she didnt want to believe her little girl could have been raped and i didnt want to tell her. it was ignorant bliss.

of course denial cant last forever. i already suffered from anorexia nervosa and bipolar but it was only after the incident i had to be admitted to hospital. i felt so worthless and used and later, like your daughter, i slept with men i didnt care about because i didnt believe they would listen if i told them to stop. now i know this is wrong and that the majority of men would but i also think i didnt tell them to stop because i thought it was normal. my rapist was the first man i had sex with so feeling used felt normal. i also didnt have sex for a year after the incident, i even said i wasnt going to have sex until i got married. it wasnt so much that i objected to sex as that i didnt believe i would ever enjoy it when sex to me meant rape. i had to make good connections with rape to make it appealing, and that means someone i care about and who i trust completely. but it also involves sacrifices on both mine and my boyfriends part. sometimes i feel worried about the flashbacks during sex but if i didnt allow myself to have sex for fear of flashbacks i would be missing out. my boyfriend has to know that these are possible, that he is not to blame but also that he must know that these are really difficult memories and take advice from me on what to do if i have a flashback (eg dont touch me, get off me etc)

im still in therapy. still struggling a great deal (especially at the moment because the retrial is in 3 weeks). i probably am struggling even more now because i have accepted what happened. going to the police and court meant reliving every aspect of it, including the bits i really didnt want to remember. but i have definetely grown up a lot through dealing with it and choosing not to deny it happened. i know have a boyfriend and feel supported and cared for, never used. i understand now that i can say no, even to my boyfriend and he wont hate me and he certainly wont rape me.
this is not going to be easy at all for her. in fact dealing with it and opening up is probably the bravest thing she will ever do.

i dont know if this will help but it helped me. i wrote down what happened in quite a lot of detail in some parts and less in parts i couldnt. eg my description of my clothes was detailed but no body parts were said. another thing i found extrememly difficult was saying i'd been raped. i first wrote it down in a sentence and seeing it written down made it so much more real. so much more definite but also made me feel i had a right to feel the way i did. until that point i only called it "that thing with that man" but saying i had been raped made me realise it was no wonder i wouldnt hug people, was scared walking down the street etc. i would expect a person who had been raped to feel all sorts of things and i certainly wouldnt blame them. and if i wouldnt blame them then i shouldnt need to blame myself. creative writing about it has not been something i do often but once in a while i do write something which i suppose feels like a bit of lightness out of the dark and it makes me feel like there is hope, even in the vilest of things.

you cant expect you daughter to speak about it until she is ready, whenever that is, and whoever it is too. i dont think i can ever talk to my mum about it in detail because i know how much it would hurt her but i have been lucky to have brilliant friends and now a brilliant boyfriend. maybe tell her that when she is ready you will help her either find a therapist or talk with her yourself. maybe write letters to each other if its easier. it all depends on you and her. i find a letter next to my mums bed is sometimes the only way i can tell her difficult things. it was in a letter i first admitted i needed help. maybe you could tell her in a letter you will always be there for her and she only needs to ask, you will always be there to listen and help.

i dont know, these are just some of the things that helped me and may help your daughter. sorry its so long!

[sunshine]

Thankyou for sharing what must be still a painful experience..... certainly has given me a better understanding about my daughters experience.
I will be happy when she does decide to see a therapist but she wont go like you said until she is ready.
My daughter to finds it hard to say the rape word....thankyou so much replying to me..you have been a great help...
Wish you all the best for your future !

[friday]

i dont know where you live but there are counselling services specifically for this kind of thing and a quick look on the internet should find a few useful leads.

knowing youre not alone is definetely a useful thing, especially when you hear how people have been raped then gone on to lead full lives, but personally i stay away from other peoples stories (in too much detail) because i tend to feel bad for dealing with it so badly when, for example, 'x who was attacked by a man with a knife' has dealt with it so well. thats my flaw but i doubt im the only one who feels it, and although online communities for survivors can be a great support system they can also lead to "who has the most horrific story" syndrome and also be triggering.

dont neglect your own needs. you may well need someone to talk to yourself, either a friend or a professional, and you wont be able to help your daughter unless you have helped yourself first.
i wish you and your daughter all the best.