Please help

[Iolaire]

I wanted to ask about something that happened to me just over two years ago. I've never known what to call it, I can't define it and I don't know how to help myself get over it. I've never spoken to anyone about it save a few online friends.

Two years ago I was in a relationship with a guy who, one morning more or less forced himself on me. I was naive, I was a virgin, I didn't think that someone I trusted would do that to me. All that happened was penetration, it hurt me and I pushed him off and he apologised afterward.

The relationship didn't last, I haven't dated since and I'm still very hurt by what happened. I have never know what to call it. I didn't give my consent but I don't know that I could call it rape, perhaps assault? I don't know.

I'm trying to recover from this, and I'd like to be able to put a name to it and be able to start to deal with it. Can anyone help? How would you view this? I don't know who I should confide in, I've never told any family or friends.

Please help

[diana_holbourn]

The technical definition of rape is penetration, so you could describe what happened as rape. However, you don't need to know the technical definition of what happened in order to get over it. What happened was cruelty; what happened was betrayal of trust; what happened was an act of violence; what happened was reckless disregard for your feelings; what happened was the opposite of love. Love incorporates a caring concern for the loved person, wanting what's best for them. Lust, on the other hand, is a selfish craving to have its own desires satisfied. It doesn't stop to think about what the other person wants, and is so wrapped up in itself that it doesn't pay much regard to the possible consequences of its actions.
If he was like that, it sounds as if you made a good decision when you got rid of him!

You're bound to be upset to think that someone would do a thing like he did to you. But the important thing is that in the future, you don't stand for a man who isn't going to have your best interests at heart in every single part of the relationship. Don't stand for a man who puts his own wishes above your well-being in anything. Don't stand for a man who seems to get his kicks out of being the one in control. Don't stand for a man who treats anyone else badly, even just verbally, because sooner or later, he'll be treating you the same. Don't stand for a man who doesn't show you respect. Don't stand for a man who always wants his own way and gets stroppy when you disagree with him.
If you look back over your relationship with your ex-boyfriend, you may be able to work out the times when he showed a selfish and controlling, disrespectful attitude long before he ever forced himself on you. It would be difficult to say why he got to be the way he did. But the important thing is that you can accept what happened, and learn from it to choose someone better in the future. So, you made a bad choice of boyfriend. But you can learn from your mistake, and make sure it doesn't happen again.
In a book for people recovering from domestic violence called "Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence" by EDWARD S. KUBANY, there's a chapter where it gives advice on dating new men and what to look out for so as to avoid abusive men in the future. It says one thing common to them is that they have no interest in solving conflict in an amicable way. They always want to impose their own will on the situation. So a good way of telling whether there are danger signs is to provoke conflict with a man early on in a relationship. It says that if you do it early on, it isn't dangerous, because he knows that you won't go out with him any more if he does something nasty, so he won't do something nasty till he knows you're emotionally involved in the relationship. So at first, in the first few weeks even, insist on having your own way over things a bit. When you disagree with his point of view, say so. If something isn't quite to your liking, say so. Say you want things the way you like them. If he reacts badly, dump him.
It says another danger sign is that abusive men can be over-complimentary to begin with, telling you how wonderful you are before they even know you. That's a sign of insincerity and a desire to manipulate you into getting involved with them.
It says another sign is jealousy and possessiveness, always wanting to occupy your time and to know where you are. It says some women interpret that as flattery at first, but it's not; it's a desire to control. It borders on stalking.
It also says abusive men like to rush women into sexual intimacy if they can. So it says a good thing is to resolve not to commit any sexually intimate acts with him at all, and tell a man on the first date that you wouldn't consider having any sexual involvement with him till you're sure you get on well with him and you're committed to him, since you need to know whether men want to be with you for you, or whether they just want sex. If he doesn't like it, he'll dump you, and you'll be well rid of him! Either that, or he'll try to persuade you to come round to the idea of having sex with him sooner, ... and then you dump him! Don't stand for a man who wants to impose his will on you in anything.

Feel free to talk some more on here if it helps.