I am not sure what my situation classifies as...

[SoapBox]

Nineteen months ago, I was 14 and a guy of 24 approached me on a bus. He was very nice and asked for my number, to which I happily gave him. Soon before this incident, I had moved cities and I had no friends at that time - I was very lonely. I seeked attention and the company of someone who liked me.
We decided to go on a date to the cinema and he asked me back to his flat - I refused. The following day we decided to meet up and he took me back to his flat offering to pay my bus fare, I expected his flat to be huge so we could just chill and watch television. I expected nothing from him. All I wanted was company and love. We entered his 'flat' which turned out to be an appartment - a bed and a bathroom we could hardly move. From that moment on I felt awkward. He offered me a can of Fosters, I must of drunk 1/4 of that can if that. He kept on touching me with affection and then kept dragging me towards him asking for a kiss - I refused. He called me boring.
Time flew by, it was late by now. I had no bus fare as my day ticket expired after 00:00. He offered no money to pay my bus fare. He then went into kiss me - I kissed him, it was not that bad, it's only kissing afterall. Then he got too much and asked if I wanted sex. I said no I am not ready and with that he got under the covers and went to sleep "Well if you don't want sex, I might as well go to sleep"... He turned the lamp off. I was sat in the darkness, my brother rang me to see where I was, I told him I was sleeping out at my new friend's house from school. I had to stay now.
I did a stupid thing, I made touchy gestures which gave him the go-ahead to have sex. I just did not want to be sat in the dark alone and having sex meant he was awake.
After that night I told a friend in secrecy what happened. She did not keep this secret and it is now circulating around school 19 months later. School is a living nightmare for me. I am a changed person, I have learnt from my mistake.

I just don't know what this is, is this completely my fault for giving him my consent? I just don't know. To this day I regret what I did and it hurts me when I still get the rumours back in my face.

Thank you for taking time to read this thread.

Sarah.

[diana_holbourn]

It sounds as if he was a bit of a pervert who was hoping to take advantage of you right from the start. Perhaps you looked vulnerable and unsure of yourself, and that's why he thought he could get away with it. That might not be the case, but it could be. It sounds as if he was some kind of sexual predator. You know you behaved unwisely, but don't forget how little experience you had of people like him, and how insecure you seem to have been feeling. It certainly isn't all your fault. He should have been behaving more responsibly and considerately. If you were only 14, and he was older, he could technically be charged with a sexual offence and receive a short prison sentence, although it's not that likely that the case would go to court. See what you think though. Have a look at this:
Young People, Sex and the Law.

As for the rumours you're having to put up with at school, that's really a form of bullying. But the people spreading them are a bit sad if they haven't got anything better to do with their lives than to keep being nasty about it. And they might do things that are just as unwise or even worse in the next few years. Try to remember that, so you don't feel so bad about yourself. People sometimes spread rumours to make themselves feel better about themselves by putting other people down. I hope that so-called friend of yours knows how upset she made you by spreading the story in the first place. Sooner or later, you'll move on to somewhere where no one knows about it, and you can start all over again.

[SoapBox]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(diana_holbourn &#064; 18th November 2005 &#045; 08&#58;52 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
It sounds as if he was a bit of a pervert who was hoping to take advantage of you right from the start. Perhaps you looked vulnerable and unsure of yourself, and that&#39;s why he thought he could get away with it. That might not be the case, but it could be. It sounds as if he was some kind of sexual predator. You know you behaved unwisely, but don&#39;t forget how little experience you had of people like him, and how insecure you seem to have been feeling. It certainly isn&#39;t all your fault. He should have been behaving more responsibly and considerately. If you were only 14, and he was older, he could technically be charged with a sexual offence and receive a short prison sentence, although it&#39;s not that likely that the case would go to court. See what you think though. Have a look at this:
Young People, Sex and the Law.

As for the rumours you&#39;re having to put up with at school, that&#39;s really a form of bullying. But the people spreading them are a bit sad if they haven&#39;t got anything better to do with their lives than to keep being nasty about it. And they might do things that are just as unwise or even worse in the next few years. Try to remember that, so you don&#39;t feel so bad about yourself. People sometimes spread rumours to make themselves feel better about themselves by putting other people down. I hope that so-called friend of yours knows how upset she made you by spreading the story in the first place. Sooner or later, you&#39;ll move on to somewhere where no one knows about it, and you can start all over again.
[/b][/quote]

Hello Diane,
Thank you for replying to me. You would not believe how desperate I was for someone with knowledge of similar cases. The last 2 years have been hell for me. These are supposidly the best years of my life, looking back in a few years I may beg to differ. The people who are spreading these rumours are no hopers, that&#39;s for sure. I am not sure whether to refer to this gossip as &#39;rumours&#39; as I cannot define the word without the use of a dictionary but what you said about that they will probably do something as unwise as what I did if not worse - I could not agree more. If you could just see how they act for a day you would take a deep, long sigh just how I do everytime I see them.
I am at school to learn and to see my 3 close friends. I want to succeed. I just really do not want my past to demolish my future. I have a lot of ambition and I will strive to persue my dreams.
One person who I really feel needs to know, is my Mum. Many, many times have I tried to talk to her about it... but how do I? I just would not know where to begin. I e-mailed her about it last night and hours after I sent it I quickly logged onto her e-mail account and deleted it. I just don&#39;t know whether I should tell her now, it&#39;s been such a long time and that guy is long gone although I still know some of his contacts as his Dad owns a business.
Thanks again Diane, it means so much to me.

Sarah.

[diana_holbourn]

I don&#39;t know who the person was who invented the saying that scooldays are the best days of a person&#39;s life - perhaps a depressed person of yesteryear who was going through a mid-life crisis, hated his job and forgot about all the times he got the cane. I&#39;m sure that a lot of people don&#39;t think schooldays were the best days of their lives. I for one have had much more enjoyment in life since I left school. Maybe the same will be true for you. It&#39;s nice to know you&#39;ve got ambitions. For all you know, you might be far more successful in life than those people who are wasting their time gossipping. It sounds as if you&#39;re determined to be strong enough to make it through school despite what&#39;s going on. That&#39;s good, because it may be that once you&#39;ve left, you&#39;ll never see any of them again, and no one who gets to know you will think what you did as a teenager counts that much, if they even know about it; many of the most important ones will just be interested in what talents you have now. Adults can look back on a lot of bad things they and their friends did as teenagers but not judge themselves that harshly for it, because they realise that they didn&#39;t have all the knowledge and wisdom then that they have now, even if at the time, they felt really bad about things and thought they ought to have known better. I wouldn&#39;t be surprised if a lot of people have secrets about things they did when they were teenagers that they haven&#39;t let ruin their lives. You won&#39;t be the only one, by any means. The more you look to the future, the more you&#39;ll be motivated to do well, and so the more likely you are to succeed.

Is there anything you can remember that you&#39;ve said to the people gossipping in the past that&#39;s stopped them for a while? If you can think of anything you&#39;ve ever said that&#39;s made any of them think twice, you could use it again.

I wouldn&#39;t know whether it&#39;ll be a good idea to tell your mum, but I suppose you could ask yourself questions to help yourself decide like:

How do I think she&#39;d react?
What if she says this, or that? What will I say in response?
How am I hoping telling her will help me?
What chances are there of it helping me in the way I want it to?
How much of a possibility is there that she&#39;ll react badly?
Is there anything I can say to her before I tell her about the way I&#39;d like her to respond which will increase the chances of her responding the way I want her to? If so, what?
When I start to tell her, what will be the best things to say as an explanation for my actions before I tell the story to make her more likely to react sympathetically?

If you can work out the answers to those questions, it might help you decide where to begin, and whether to.

[SoapBox]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(diana_holbourn &#064; 18th November 2005 &#045; 10&#58;38 PM) Quoted post</div><div class='quotemain'>
I don&#39;t know who the person was who invented the saying that scooldays are the best days of a person&#39;s life - perhaps a depressed person of yesteryear who was going through a mid-life crisis, hated his job and forgot about all the times he got the cane. I&#39;m sure that a lot of people don&#39;t think schooldays were the best days of their lives. I for one have had much more enjoyment in life since I left school. Maybe the same will be true for you. It&#39;s nice to know you&#39;ve got ambitions. For all you know, you might be far more successful in life than those people who are wasting their time gossipping. It sounds as if you&#39;re determined to be strong enough to make it through school despite what&#39;s going on. That&#39;s good, because it may be that once you&#39;ve left, you&#39;ll never see any of them again, and no one who gets to know you will think what you did as a teenager counts that much, if they even know about it; many of the most important ones will just be interested in what talents you have now. Adults can look back on a lot of bad things they and their friends did as teenagers but not judge themselves that harshly for it, because they realise that they didn&#39;t have all the knowledge and wisdom then that they have now, even if at the time, they felt really bad about things and thought they ought to have known better. I wouldn&#39;t be surprised if a lot of people have secrets about things they did when they were teenagers that they haven&#39;t let ruin their lives. You won&#39;t be the only one, by any means. The more you look to the future, the more you&#39;ll be motivated to do well, and so the more likely you are to succeed.

Is there anything you can remember that you&#39;ve said to the people gossipping in the past that&#39;s stopped them for a while? If you can think of anything you&#39;ve ever said that&#39;s made any of them think twice, you could use it again.

I wouldn&#39;t know whether it&#39;ll be a good idea to tell your mum, but I suppose you could ask yourself questions to help yourself decide like:

How do I think she&#39;d react?
What if she says this, or that? What will I say in response?
How am I hoping telling her will help me?
What chances are there of it helping me in the way I want it to?
How much of a possibility is there that she&#39;ll react badly?
Is there anything I can say to her before I tell her about the way I&#39;d like her to respond which will increase the chances of her responding the way I want her to? If so, what?
When I start to tell her, what will be the best things to say as an explanation for my actions before I tell the story to make her more likely to react sympathetically?

If you can work out the answers to those questions, it might help you decide where to begin, and whether to.
[/b][/quote]

Thank you for replying.
Me and my Mum are very close. The type who say &#39;I love you&#39; to each other very often and kiss and hug. I have told her many things in the past, she is understanding about things, although this is slightly a different kettle of fish. We speak openly about sex issues.
She knows I have a boyfriend of 2 months - a seventeen year old who has never had a girlfriend until now and he is still a virgin. We speak about the consequences of sex and that if me and my boyfriend get even close she wants us both to take precaution.
I am not sure whether I would be ready for sex just yet because of law issues. I am still 15 and will turn 16 exactly 4 months today. The complication is that Jason is two years older than me and even though he is the virgin it would be against the law.
My main worry is if the heat of the moment arised for us to make love, would I have the sense to turn away and say we have to wait. I hope so. Would you suggest birth control even now? Sorry this has gone a little bit off-topic.

I feel as if my Mum needs to know what has gone on in the past. She is my best friend. When I hold things inside making them build up I go insane pretty much. Maybe I could wait until I reach 16? Maybe that milestone will make her react less harshly than what she would if I told her now?

Thanks so much Diana.

Sarah.

[diana_holbourn]

It&#39;s nice that you&#39;re close to your mum. Maybe she wouldn&#39;t react so harshly if you tell her first that you want to tell her about something you did that you know was unwise, and you hope she doesn&#39;t say it was all your fault, because you already feel bad about it, but you&#39;ve learned your lesson and wouldn&#39;t do it again. Then she might be more sympathetic.

I&#39;m sure you&#39;re thinking seriously about the pros and cons of birth control and having sex with your boyfriend. Some questions that it might be good to consider could be:

Could I avoid doing something I regret in the heat of the moment by not doing anything with him that might sexually arouse either of us at all for a while, like not snogging etc.?

What could we do to limit the chances of making a bad decision in the heat of the moment, like taking our minds off sex by following up other interests, maybe something to do with learning more about our life&#39;s ambitions, or other things we find interesting, or going out to places of interest as a group with other people so we&#39;re not alone together so much but we still enjoy ourselves together?

If I engage in sexual activity with Jason but later we split up, am I going to be more upset about the break-up than I would have been if we&#39;d never had sex, because of the extra feelings of closeness the physical relationship might have made me feel?

If I use birth control but it fails, either because I forget to take a pill, or because in the heat of the moment we don&#39;t follow instructions properly, or because something else goes wrong, because no contraceptive is 100% successful, how would I deal with an unwanted pregnancy? How might anything I did affect me emotionally?

If I&#39;m using birth control, is there a possibility that one of us might feel pressured into doing something we don&#39;t really want to do, because the other one thinks it would be a shame to waste the opportunity?

If I have a good sexual relationship with Jason but at some point we split up, and later, I have another boyfriend I really care about, how might I feel about telling him about my sexual relationship with Jason, or knowing I had it before I had the relationship with him?

[SoapBox]

Hello Diana,
Please excuse me for my absence of reply to you. Everything had died down until today.
I have decided that I am not going to even consider any form of sexual activity with my boyfriend until I am 16 years old or older.
Many of my friends are no longer my friends because of what has happened with my past. I have no false alleby to prove any innocence what so ever. The case is - with many cases is that I am the one in the wrong. The guy is just a sex mad typical guy but because I am the girl, I am the slag and other names that I have been called today.
I am not the person I was before and I never will be. I will never just throw myself to any guy every again. I was very niave then and I should not have told any &#39;friends&#39; about it.
My closest friends I have lied to. I cannot tell them to bare truth as they will also fall out with me. I will then have nobody and school life will be a living hell till the day I leave.
Teachers are now concerned but they have no right to do anything to the girls. Yes it is bullying because they are doing something involving me that I do not appreciate but schools have no power to stop bullying - not really.
Just what can I do Diana? I am considering not going into school tomorrow I just cannot face it right now.

[diana_holbourn]

Some people bully others not because they really mean what they say, but because if they can see they&#39;re getting to the person they&#39;re bullying, it makes them feel big, and gives them a buzz, like an addiction. Even if they feel a bit bad about what they said afterwards, later, when they think about how much enjoyment they&#39;re going to get out of doing it again, they forget their bad feelings, and just do it again because they get pleasure out of it. That&#39;s a reason why bullying can just carry on and on for ages. It&#39;s not really to do with how bad they thought the thing the person did was. If you don&#39;t go into school, it might give them even more of a thrill because they&#39;ll think they&#39;re getting to you even more. Or some people bully to try to draw other people&#39;s attention away from their own bad behaviour by picking on someone else and hoping that other people will focus on disapproving of them instead. The people who are being nasty about you might do things that are just as bad. Some people bully because if they can convince themselves that someone&#39;s inferior to them, they don&#39;t have to feel so bad about themselves, so it makes them feel better.

I think maybe the best thing you can do is to make sure people don&#39;t see they&#39;re getting to you, in the hope they&#39;ll get bored and find something better to do. Or if you catch them being nasty, you could maybe say things to them like, "Haven&#39;t you got anything better to do with your lives than to keep wasting your time talking about the same old thing?" or "I made one mistake several months ago and regretted it ever since. So what? Yeah, that really makes someone a slag&#33;" or "At least being a slag&#39;s better than being a gossipping bully"; or "If I&#39;m a slag, it must mean you&#39;re a slag, because you know the old saying, takes one to know one? Well, surely they wouldn&#39;t have invented the saying if it wasn&#39;t true. Or would they?" or, "Aren&#39;t you worried about what might happen to your brains because you&#39;re not giving them enough exercise because you&#39;re just going on about the same old thing all the time? You ought to do some new and different things with them."

Try to remember that what you did wasn&#39;t as bad as they&#39;re giving the impression it was. Some people probably get bullied just as badly because they don&#39;t go to the same parties or like the same music&#33; People get bullied for the silliest of reasons sometimes. Maybe in a few years&#39; time, after the people who are picking on you have suffered the effects of unwanted pregnancies or felt bad about having sex with people they later regretted having sex with, they&#39;ll realise how unreasonable they were being.