Wife's rape revelation/my confusion

[prose]

My wife told me that she was raped when she was 13 years old. I have always been very sympathetic and understanding. However, a few nights ago, we were watching the news or some program about rape, when the topic of rape and victims' sexual arousal during the rape soon arose.

Now, I understand that if sensitive parts of the body are massaged, etc. that sexual/physical arousal can occur even if the mind is saying "no way." But my wife was forced to perform oral sex. The 16-year-old boy who raped her never penetrated her and never massaged her vagina or breasts. Yet, my wife said that she became aroused, her vagina became lubricated and her nipples hardened.

Please understand, I do not want to offend anyone, and I holeheartedly sympathize with anyone who has been raped in anyu fashion. That being said, I would be lying if I said I didn't I find my wife's story a bit fishy. Can anyone who REALLY KNOWS about the psychology of rape tell me if her arousal should have happened?

I mean, if someone forced something into my mouth that i did not want to be there, even if that something was a breast or vagina, I can tell you that I most certainly would not become aroused and get an erection. If someone was massaging my penus that would be another story, but oral only...????

This is really bugging me and I can't exactly talk to my wife about it. I guess what I want to know is if my wife is being honest with me/herself when she says she was raped?

Please, I mean no offense, I just have never been educated about rape and am finding this a bit overwhealming. Please help me understand all of this.

[diana_holbourn]

What will happen if you get an answer that makes you suspect that your wife was being dishonest? Will you become less sympathetic to her, making it likely that she will either resent you for it or suspect that you no longer believe her, which could cause a painful scene? Will you pretend you're still sympathetic towards her, thus being dishonest with her and yourself, possibly affecting your peace of mind? Or will you confront her about it, again causing an upsetting scene? How could any one of those options be preferable to talking about it with her now? You may feel awkward about it, but I'm sure you could think of ways of phrasing things that will cause the least amount of upset possible. For instance, perhaps you could simply seem puzzled when the subject comes up again and say you don't understand what it could have been that aroused her, and ask her if she could explain it to you. Have a think about phrasing your query the best way you can.

[mol12]

think about human nature, think how you would feel, put your self in her situation,life is not just cut and dryed,we all have to belive in our selves, if we love some one we will stand by them, what happened in the past is history, look back only to help for the future.what your wife has been through you should suport her not condem her,
all ways look at the bigger picture in life, every thing is a learning curve, good luck

[Summersun]

I think it was very honest of your wife to admit that she became aroused whilst having to perform oral sex even though she didn't want to. It must be uncomfortable for her to talk about, as these things are, especially from such a young age. I would think that it would be possible to become aroused even though you didn't want to as your body can react to sexual activity naturally whilst your mind may not be willing.

If it was something that she was forced to do and she sees it as rape then you must believe her, it has obviously effected her. By telling you, she has laid her trust in you about something that is personal and unpleasant in her life. We are all different - what you think you may react like in a certain situation is totally different to what another may do.

[diana_holbourn]

It is possible that she was a fairly willing participant at the time, but afterwards felt disgusted because she regretted it and was ashamed of it, and became resentful because she'd been pressured into it and perhaps felt used, and so she reinterpreted it in her mind as rape, and that put her off oral sex from then on because it reminded her of what happened. But the only thing anyone can do on this board is to speculate, whatever they say. The only one who can say what really happened is your wife. Is she a generally honest person? If she is, you've got a lot to be thankful for, so try not to let your feelings about this get out of proportion, which is easy to do. If something untoward happened, whatever it was, you can still sympathise.

[Saffron]

Prose, I hope that what I write next will not cause you any offence. As Diana said, we can only speculate. At the end of the day, she was 13 years old, still a child, and whether she was willing or not, a 16 year old boy should still have known that it was wrong to persuade a child to do such a thing. It sounds highly likely that she was coerced into sexual activity at an age where she should really know nothing about it.

However, I think Diana's comment is very interesting, not necessarily in relation to the topic of this thread, but with regard to the whole rape/false allegation discussion.

I think it is true to say that a lot of women will participate in sexual activity fairly willingly, but later feel grubby, ashamed of themselves, and a bit used. Maybe this is because they were being unfaithful to a partner, or were very drunk, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I think most women today have experienced this kind of feeling, and it is not pleasant.

However, there are some who exonerate themselves of responsibility by reclassifying it in their heads as being non-consensual. They reassure themselves that they were not willing participants, and the blame for irresponsible behaviour is shifted from themselves, to the other person. If they repeat this often enough to themselves, they really come to believe it.

Quite how it gets from this to a false allegation made to police and resulting in a full trial, i can't rightly say. As a reasonable, honest person I can't ever really understand what makes people do such things. (nor can a jury, by and large). I would guess that the "victim" makes the mistake of sharing her "ordeal" with a friend, who urges her to report it, and as she cannot bear to admit to her lies, the police become involved.

As I said earlier, I don't think this is necessarily relevant to Prose's initial post, but I found Diana's comments to be very true. Webmaster, please feel free to move this post elsewhere if you think it necessary.

[webmoo]

Originally posted by Saffron@16th September 2005 - 03:49 PM
As I said earlier, I don't think this is necessarily relevant to Prose's initial post, but I found Diana's comments to be very true. Webmaster, please feel free to move this post elsewhere if you think it necessary.

Quoted post

Saffron, Whilst I'm perfectly happy to leave this post where it is, you do raise a very good point. Perhaps you'd like to also start a new topic to discuss this? This could well lead to an interesting debate of it's own.

[Phil]

At 13, your body is going through all kinds of changes, and puberty is in ful swing. The body is startnig to learn about sexual arousal, and starting to take an interest in the opposite sex, and in particular, the sexual organs of the opposite sex. To have someone then give you those sexual organs, in whatever setting, is going to cause your body to have a purely biological arousal reaction. At 13, there is no real experiance of sex, (TV etc excepted, but this doean't really prepare you for the real thing). Also, 13 year olds are very impressionable, and are trying to do the right thing. If they are told that something is right, even though everything in them says it's wrong, they will, more often than not, trust the adult and accept that it is right. Thus, she may have felt that it was wrong, but accepted what she was being told about it beign right, and her body reacted accordingly. There's nothing wrong with it at all - I would have expected no other reaction.

[mol12]

WEBMASTER TRY IT AND SEE, COULD BE VERY INTRESTING THE REPLYS