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**Franticwithworry** · 5 June 2018, 11:56 PM

Hi there. I’m sorry you’ve had to find us but welcome - there’s lots of support here.

First things first - your life isn’t ruined. Most of these cases are seen for what they are and come to nothing though it can take quite some time for things to conclude.

Secondly and equally important - do NOT go to the police station without legal representation. You are entitled to representation without cost so take advantage of that. You don’t have to use the duty solicitor either. There are solicitors who specialise in this area of crime and who do legal aid too, so find one in your area and use them. I see you are in London so you could try Freeman’s solicitors. They do legal aid and have specialists. Their website is

www.freemanssolicitors.net

They can change the appointment date too if necessary to make sure you have representation. You don’t have to stick with them after the interview if you don’t want to. Police station advice is separate from everything else.

The next thing to do is to write down everything you can remember about the weekend while it’s greasy in your mind. The solicitor can read it to get the full picture quickly too. It’s a shame you deleted the chat but in the current climate there’s a chance that a solicitor can get the police to look at them on her phone. Someone else may know if they can be retrieved.

Don’t be taken in by the police being ‘nice’ to you. Unfortunately their focus is on getting you to do as they want.

It’s a horrible and frightening experience and suicidal feelings are not unusual. Please don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor. They are not likely to be shocked or surprised and they are there to help. A shock like this is a brain trauma. It will take time to feel on an even keel again and there is help available.

Browse on here too. There’s a wealth of information and support to be had. If you have a friend or family in real life you can confide in that helps as well but I understand how difficult an accusation of this kind can be to talk about.

Above all, be kind to yourself. It will, as I say, take a while for the initial shock and panic to wear off, but there are things you can do to help yourself in the meantime. The first thing is to get yourself a solicitor for the voluntary interview. It won’t cost you anything.

**Caught red handed** · 6 June 2018, 07:55 AM

You can retrieve the WhatsApp messages if they are recent... just google the directions. This happened to my husband too but it had been too long to recover them. (I think you have a week but don’t quote me on that. I’m not techy at all.) Also, even if you can’t recover the content, WhatsApp still keeps the time stamp and date. There’s no way she would have shown the “had a great time” message to the police (great if she did!) and even if she deleted it, then why just delete that one when there’s a record of another message being sent two hours previous. It’s a big hole in her story. Concentrate on the positives and see if you can retrieve it yourself.

**realfrankturner** · 6 June 2018, 08:51 AM

Originally posted by Franticwithworry View Post

Hi there. I’m sorry you’ve had to find us but welcome - there’s lots of support here.

First things first - your life isn’t ruined. Most of these cases are seen for what they are and come to nothing though it can take quite some time for things to conclude.

Secondly and equally important - do NOT go to the police station without legal representation. You are entitled to representation without cost so take advantage of that. You don’t have to use the duty solicitor either. There are solicitors who specialise in this area of crime and who do legal aid too, so find one in your area and use them. I see you are in London so you could try Freeman’s solicitors. They do legal aid and have specialists. Their website is

www.freemanssolicitors.net

They can change the appointment date too if necessary to make sure you have representation. You don’t have to stick with them after the interview if you don’t want to. Police station advice is separate from everything else.

The next thing to do is to write down everything you can remember about the weekend while it’s greasy in your mind. The solicitor can read it to get the full picture quickly too. It’s a shame you deleted the chat but in the current climate there’s a chance that a solicitor can get the police to look at them on her phone. Someone else may know if they can be retrieved.

Don’t be taken in by the police being ‘nice’ to you. Unfortunately their focus is on getting you to do as they want.

It’s a horrible and frightening experience and suicidal feelings are not unusual. Please don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor. They are not likely to be shocked or surprised and they are there to help. A shock like this is a brain trauma. It will take time to feel on an even keel again and there is help available.

Browse on here too. There’s a wealth of information and support to be had. If you have a friend or family in real life you can confide in that helps as well but I understand how difficult an accusation of this kind can be to talk about.

Above all, be kind to yourself. It will, as I say, take a while for the initial shock and panic to wear off, but there are things you can do to help yourself in the meantime. The first thing is to get yourself a solicitor for the voluntary interview. It won’t cost you anything.

Thankyou so much for your reply.

I will look at that website in a minute, I have also been looking for free 30 minute consultations but not sure how that will help much as I won't be able to afford anything after that consultation.

I will write everything down as well today, it's been going round and round in my head and I have every detail remembered.

I get what you're saying about the police, you are no doubt right, but when I was speaking to her it was like she wanted to tell me something and reassure me as I was very upset but she kept saying she could not say too much, and looking back through the Plenty Of Fish messages which I do have it does seem like this lady has had men issues before, hindsight is a wonderful thing but you don't think this would happen in a million years.

I have told the mother of my child who I am close with and also my ex girlfriend who I am also close with, who are supporting me and know this is nonsense and something I would never ever do, only time I have ever been in trouble with the law is when I dropped a cigarette butt on the floor and got fined a few months ago, otherwise my record is clean, even the police officer said that on the phone - It did feel like she really wanted to reassure me but obviously couldn't. But maybe I am being naive.

She also said it is unusual they are inviting me in next week, instead of just being arrested, she said in this case that was the best option, so I am kinda hanging on hope that the fact I haven't been arrested that their is something I do not know, maybe the lady has a history of mental issues or has done it before?

I will look at that website but have struggled to find someone to represent me for free apart from asking for a solicitor to be provided when I am there, but I know I have done nothing wrong and just want to tell the truth.

I am hoping their is CCTV when she dropped me off at the station, as that would show her doing so and kissing me goodbye, why would she do that f I had done this hideous act?

Also can I ask you a question -

I don't want to go in there and seem like I am being petty, but this lady told me she is basically a benefit cheat and doesn't declare income to them or the HRMC and I know how she does it, and she also joked in the car on the way to the station that she gave me oral sex when I was sleeping at around 4am as her words were 'I was up so I was going to get you up' and how did I not wake up when she was doing it. - Should I mention this? I don't want it to seem like to them I am just counter accusing out of spite or anything as I didn't really think anything off it until I started to re-think about what happened after being accused.

I am trying to stay positive

- I have not been arrested and have been asked to come in next week
- CCTV should hopefully show her kissing me goodbye
- If the whatsapp chat can be retrieved on her phone somehow that will show so much, including her mentioning on planning to take me back to her place when we meet, and how she messaged me saying thankyou for a lovely weekend, and then morning the next day, before just blocking me. I really hope they can get that from her phone, but if it can't it's a lot of my word against hers which is what scares me. The truth is on each sexual act we did she was the lead!

Not to get too graphic but she got a little annoyed on how I would not finish inside her, and kept saying she was on the coil and she really wanted that, but I wouldn't and didn't, part of me thinks it was planned all along.

I am still so petrified of the consequences if the truth does not come out

Thankyou very much for taking the time to reply

**realfrankturner** · 6 June 2018, 08:54 AM

Originally posted by Caught red handed View Post

You can retrieve the WhatsApp messages if they are recent... just google the directions. This happened to my husband too but it had been too long to recover them. (I think you have a week but don’t quote me on that. I’m not techy at all.) Also, even if you can’t recover the content, WhatsApp still keeps the time stamp and date. There’s no way she would have shown the “had a great time” message to the police (great if she did!) and even if she deleted it, then why just delete that one when there’s a record of another message being sent two hours previous. It’s a big hole in her story. Concentrate on the positives and see if you can retrieve it yourself.

Thanks for your reply.

I did Google it yesterday, and it told me to uninstall Whatsapp then re-install and it will ask me to restore - It didn't though as I do not back stuff up, I am very anti permissions on my phone and have everything turned off unless I manually do it, I don't even sync anything.

My hope is she has blocked me and the police can get her phone and unblock me and that might bring up the conversation again, or that she does back things up, as this is key as she messaged me a thankyou msg.

But I don't know what she has told them, the police officer said on Monday I will read her statement and then give mine.

So so scared however of what could happen, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Thankyou for replying.

**realfrankturner** · 6 June 2018, 09:15 AM

She also mentioned how if it wasn't for her parents her child would have been taken into care, which has me thinking their is issues unknown to me but maybe not the police?

We had sex multiple times and each time she instigated it.

**realfrankturner** · 6 June 2018, 09:33 AM

I have just spoken to Freemans solicitors and arranged for a free legal aid to be with me.

I am going to email them everything

I asked them about mentioning about her being a benefit cheat and they said no as it is not relevant and may seem a bit petty, which I agree with, and I also mentioned about her performing a sex act on me in my sleep, and they said to mention that however.

So going to write everything up now

Thankyou for the help and link!

**Franticwithworry** · 6 June 2018, 09:40 AM

Browse this site some more and you will find that it is not at all unusual for people to be invited in to the police station 'for a little chat'. Please don't be taken in by the smooth talk of a police officer. They want you to be interviewed and they don't want you to be represented legally as you have no idea what the rules are and the lawyers do.

You have plenty of time to find a legal aid lawyer if you need one after the interview and there are very good ones about, especially in the big cities. You are ideally placed for that. Please call Freemans, I recommend them highly. They will explain everything to you properly in regards to police interviews and what your rights are without any obligation. No '30 minute free call' needed. :-) You won't need a lawyer after the interview until the police decide what they are doing, most likely, so you have plenty of time to think about a lawyer for after the interview. Cross one bridge at a time.

I'm glad that you have support in real life and that there is the possibility of retrieving your messages. Talk to the lawyer about the CCTV too as the sooner that is captured the better.

This period of shock is appalling, but you will get though it, really you will.

**Franticwithworry** · 6 June 2018, 10:14 AM

We must have cross posted!

I'm so glad that you have representation for Monday. Hopefully you feel a bit better about things now and will be as prepared as you can for the ordeal ahead. Do let us know how things go for you. You may not get many replies but there are lots of people who browse this site for support but are too afraid to post themselves. I can almost guarantee that in your quest for support it is you are providing support for others.

I hope you have as calm a time as you can until Monday. I'll be thinking of you.

**realfrankturner** · 6 June 2018, 11:25 AM

Thankyou so much, I am so scared and keep thinking I am going to jail and my life will be ruined, it's the worse feeling in the world.

**Franticwithworry** · 6 June 2018, 12:51 PM

There's no pretending that this isn't one of the most terrifying experiences a man can suffer. That women would do something like this makes me ashamed. However, be buoyed by the fact that though these situations are not nearly as rare as some would have you believe most false accusations don't turn up in any statistics because they are not counted. You are MUCH more likely to have an NFA (no further action) result than to be charged or jailed.

Look after your mental health first and foremost. Most of the time the authorities come to the right decision, and there's every chance that you will be one of the 'most'.

**realfrankturner** · 6 June 2018, 01:11 PM

Originally posted by Franticwithworry View Post

There's no pretending that this isn't one of the most terrifying experiences a man can suffer. That women would do something like this makes me ashamed. However, be buoyed by the fact that though these situations are not nearly as rare as some would have you believe most false accusations don't turn up in any statistics because they are not counted. You are MUCH more likely to have an NFA (no further action) result than to be charged or jailed.

Look after your mental health first and foremost. Most of the time the authorities come to the right decision, and there's every chance that you will be one of the 'most'.

I hope so, I am thinking of quitting my job too until this is over.

I just keep wondering how can I get charged, if I do, if it is her word against mine, I don't get it, but I have been Googling stories where that exact thing happens, a mans life ruined with no evidence except a jury believe the accuser. So scary

I emailed my statement over to my legal aid person earlier and he is ringing me in half hour.

**Franticwithworry** · 6 June 2018, 01:34 PM

I cannot recommend strongly enough that you keep your job - it will be a life saver as your emotions take a roller-coaster ride through all this. I can virtually guarantee that you will feel better than you do now, even if it takes a few weeks, but if you don't have a job to go to an concentrate on it will leave you far too much time to brood, fret and imagine the worst.

It is scary, there's no doubt about that but it is a fact that you are more likely to get an NFA (no further action) result in these circumstances than not. Keep living as full and normal a life as you can and you WILL get through it. At least give the process some time to work through before you jack in your job or anything drastic like that. It's much easier to keep one than get one.

**TBG1** · 6 June 2018, 08:35 PM

I’m really sorry & sad to see you here and to hear of your troubles. Nevertheless, welcome and I’m glad you’ve found this forum.

As ever, FWW has given good advice - re-read the posts to make sure you are clear on the advice that’s been given.

I really hate giving this advice, but as has been said - The Police have absolutely no interest in establishing your innocence so any feeling of them “being nice” needs to be ignored. They aren’t being nice....they just need you to cooperate because what you tell them might make their case for them-true or not.

Tempting as it is to do otherwise, please just answer their questions (with the advice of your solicitor) in as concise a way as possible. They [B]want[B] you to add flesh to the bones of the story they’ve been told. If you provide that “flesh”, it’s only use will be to mould the tale they already have into something they can twist into corroberating the complainant’s story. For clarity, they want to speak to you to see if you might be guilty...NOT necessarily to get to the truth.

Keep the details you’ve disclosed above (and the more “detailed” ones) to yourself - Although unlikely to be required, these would be more useful down the line than they would be in a Police Interview.

As FWW said, don’t quit your job. It is one of the few thongs that will be a comfort for you during the next few day & weeks.

I remember the situation you’re in only too well and I know it’s very easy to get yourself into a negative frame of mind. But try to use it as an excuse to do some exercise - it really helps. Don’t avoid drinking, but be moderate if you do. And lean on anyone who os supporting you...they will be invaluable as you try to keep your thoughts & feelings in check.

Ask questions on here - people who have been (or are still going) through this will be both useful and helpful.

Best Wishes

TBG1

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