Accused of rape

[Paul]

My wife and I have been tegether for 8 years and married for 7. We have two beautiful daughters. However, our relationship has always been turbulant. Never violent. I have never raised a hand to any of them - nor would. But our rows were regular and verbally intense.

For the last year or two I knew our marriage was breaking down. My wife has also carried personal issues from previous relationships, but that is not her fault. The result being that she never trusted men. I thought i could handle this and the rows between us. Whenever we had a bust up (almost weekly towards the end)we would have very physical (not violent) sex and it would be my wife that instigated it. On the last occasion this happened the following day my wife said that "you raped me". Even though she was compliant. Eventually, a phone call was made to the police 18 hours after the event. I have just started to realise the hell that men suffer when falsly accused and I am innocent. Despite all that I am about to endure, I still love my wife and children. But I can't see myself surviving this.

The law is no longer balanced and only in men accused of rape are we "Guilty until Proven Innocent"

If any one knows of any support groups or any help I can seek I would be grateful.

My email address is bblockbuster@hotmail.com

[Snoopyseed]

OK this is hard for me here, as I am a survivor of rape, but I think I may be able to help a little and where I can help I will swallow my hurt and get on with the matter on hand. I will try not to be judgemental or critical but to give you my opinion. Forget that I?m a rape survivor for now and lets take it that I was a normal member of the public.
These were your words that people will be noting firstly:
"Whenever we had a bust up (almost weekly towards the end) we would have very physical (not violent) sex and it would be my wife that instigated it."
First of all if the two of you use very physical sex to clear up arguments, this could be the cause of the misunderstanding.
You may have seen this as a way of getting over the argument, but your wife could have seen this as abuse. Even if she was the one to instigate it, she may of actually perceived it to be violent or even abusive .If for example she ever did say "no" or "get off me" and you didn?t comply this is rape. On the other hand if she playfully said it as part of your sex games and she was perfectly willing to participate then it is sex between a man and his wife.

The thing is people like sex to be playful, some even like it violent but what you have to establish is where you cross the line. People need to know how far is too far?
In a relationship its important to discuss things, and ask partners, "is this ok?"
Or, maybe work out a word where, if said, means that you both stop, if you like very physical sex. But this is not going to help you now. I assume you have been told to keep away from her, and I hope you have a solicitor sorted out, as you need a good defence. Its so sad to see a married couple in court over a rape charge but no one knows your wife like you do.
Could you have thought you were having physical sex and your wife seen this as rape?
In all your heart search for the answer could it have been rape?
I?m only asking this because owning up and perhaps reviewing things with a solicitor will help you, the longer it is drawn out the worse it will become. This is not going to go away.
On the other hand could your wife be making it up, or got the wrong end of the stick?
Look at all options from her point of view and then yours,
Could she have mistaken physical sex for rape?
Or could you have crossed the line even if you are not aware of it?

The best thing you can do is to also educate yourself about rape. Rape can take many different forms, and even though some survivors do instigate it if at any point they don?t feel comfy or want to stop and the partners carry on then this too is rape. The question in all rape cases that they ask is, was it consensual?
If so, during the incident did the women say any word that meant you to stop?
If she did not say no and was a willing participant so to speak then this is not rape. If she did however say to stop or try and pull away then this was rape.
Only you know the truth about what happened.
Whatever did happen will be revealed through the enquiries, you know your wife though, would she lie about this?
Is she doing it to get back at you for some reason?
Or could you have taken it to far, even by mistake?
Whatever the answer is you need to really think about it, if it is a misunderstanding please I urge you to get out there and get a good solicitor, you will find one in your local yellow pages. I do know of a professor that was falsely accused of rape it may help you to read his story it says you can contact him personally for help and support although it was written in 2001. Here is the link:
http://www.angryharry.com/tgfalselyaccusedofrape.htm

Well I wish you all the best as a rape survivor I tried not to let my own views get in the way whilst still pointing out the important bits.
At the end of the day if a women cries rape, it is dreadful, and the women does need mental health treatment. I would also lock a women up who falsely accuses a man of rape as it is offensive to other survivors who have been raped, and also it is traumatic for the accused, who then has to live with it for the rest of their life.
I hope also that you speak to your GP to get help, with counselling yourself as you need to make sure you don?t crack up, you need all your strength you can muster right now.
Also on the other hand if a man does rape a woman he deserves to be punished with the maximum penalty possible.
Rape is a serious crime and rapists have no idea what they can do to their victims.
For those that are innocent, i believe that the women should serve the sentence that would have gone to the accused if her were guilty, my sympathy is with you, but you need to be strong now.
Look within yourself for the answers, what you truly believe happened tell the court. If you are innocent as you say you are, you have nothing to fear.
Good luck.

PS you say it feels like your guilty until proven innocent, well its the victims that go on trial at the moment not the accused, or at least it feels that way. I suppose we all feel the law is against us no matter if we are the accused or the victim. Make sure you get a good solicitor and one more thing, please don?t drag the children into it, and don?t use them as leverage in a case, they are emotional and they need both parents around them.
Find out about access rights from your solicitor if it is possible try to see your children as much as you can, but that?s only if the police allow you to.
I?m wishing you all the luck in the world and I hope you didn?t find my advice too for or against you.

[oppressed guy]

Snoopy: I really have to disagree with your post. If a woman initiates sex she can hardly claim to have been raped later.
Not flaming u or anything, just stating my opinion as you have yours.

[Juliette]

My fiance' was falsely accused of rape. He could have beat the case but we had no money for a lawyer and his DA is known to be an agressive sexist woman. We were scared that she'd twist it and he could get a long time in jail so he took a plea bargain. He comes home in 2 months.

It is a shame how women have the power to ruin somebody's life because some women decide to be promiscious and then regret it so they decide to play " the innocent victim" to avoid getting a rep. I feel your pain because my fiance' missed the birth of our daughter because this girl who was suposed to be our friend made a mistake and betrayed my friendship. He was wrong for cheating but she should never have called rape because for the past year, my life has fallen apart. As the time for him to be released appoaches, Things are slowly coming back together but forever will be that scar on our lives. I have learned to keep my "friends" at an arm's length away. We won't associate with many people any more because there are sheisty people.
Something needs to be done to change these laws. It is a shame that women do get raped, ( i myself am a rape victim ) but women who lie waste the time and money of the court and because of them there are real rapists running free while good men are in jail

[N/A]

I wholeheartedly agree, I think women who cry rape should get the sentence that the accused was going to get, that?s if they find out, also it betrays real survivors of rape when they report it, because if many women cry rape, then when a person who really has been raped come along, they are often not believed.

[tc]

My partner is in the same predicament, he didn't take the accusation seriously - thought he was being wound up - he was her manager and she invited him out and then WHAM 6 months later takes him to court. He pleaded innocent but majority vote found him guilty. What on a hearsay trial of man vs. woman? - The fairytale princess got her way. No evidence just her word.
How can we live in this system? A man that would do anything for anyone, who's been taken out of a good job to be spat out into society, 18 months time, with nothing. This isn't reform.
All I can do is feel helpless.

[oppressed guy]

This situation is so bad that i am now badgering the hell out my mp to raise the issue of bias rape laws in parliament, specifically to grant anonymity to the accused (be they male OR female) unless they are found guilty. I doubt it will make any difference but if others such as you reading this also pester your mp maybe something will eventually get done about this.

[Paula]

I am a woman, who 1 year ago was charged with rape against another woman. The case was dropped 50 weeks later by the PF due to no evidence. I have lost everything since and what little I do have this woman is intent on taking it. I have been publically named and shamed hours after being charged in national papers and t.v. and yet she has not been named once and faces no charges for her false accusation. I have no means of bringing her to justice as I have nothing and no one wants to know or help prove my innocence. I just wish the police would help similar cases by trying as hard to prove you innocent as they do guilty. I read on an earlier statement 'You are guilty until proven innocent' and it could be truer. The law is seriously needing revised for all those who cry 'false rape' as we the innocent, are the ones who are left to pick up what pieces are left of our lives as they get on with theirs, seeking out their next, poor victim.

[Saffron]

Originally posted by Snoopyseed@Jul 16 2004, 05:32 PM
PS you say it feels like your guilty until proven innocent, well its the victims that go on trial at the moment not the accused, or at least it feels that way. I suppose we all feel the law is against us no matter if we are the accused or the victim. Make sure you get a good solicitor and one more thing, please don?t drag the children into it, and don?t use them as leverage in a case, they are emotional and they need both parents around them.
Find out about access rights from your solicitor if it is possible try to see your children as much as you can, but that?s only if the police allow you to.
I?m wishing you all the luck in the world and I hope you didn?t find my advice too for or against you.

Hi Snoopy

I know you are a regular here, and I enjoy reading your postings as a general rule. You seem like a wise, educated lady...

But I have to disagree with you on your last point in this posting. Under no circumstances do "the victims go on trial" as you put it! At my husband's recent case (May this year, although his "offence" was September last year) the prosecution barrister asked him EVERYTHING about his sex life - how many one night stands he's had, how he met me, how many sexual partners he has had, etc, etc. Our barrister was not allowed to ask her ANYTHING about her sex life! The prosecution offered no evidence other than her word. So how is this fair? His accuser did not have to prove her trauma. My husband was obliged to prove his innocence.

The law states that an individual should be innocent until proven guilty. Having heard the entire trial, I know that the jury walked in with the attitude: "well, she must be telling the truth if she's here today".

What they didn't consider unfortunately, is that she had painted herself into a corner. She had originally accused him of rape, and only changed her accusation after forensics proved intercourse had not taken place. her boyfriend had been asked to give a DNA sample, and therefore knew what was going on. how could she risk her relationship, her standing with her mates, her job (my husband and her worked together) and a potential prosecution for malicious, wrongful accusation?

Plus of course, she had Victim Support encouraging her, despite that fact that she didn't bother to turn up for her "Victim Impact Report" after the verdict and before sentencing. And, who could forget the pot of cash she has collected. Whoopeedoo for her, she now has the deposit for a house.

So, please don't tell me that the victims are on trial. while we were waiting for my husband's trial to begin, the "victim's" boyfriend was guided into the court by a liaison officer.... no-one even bothered to tell me, as the wife of the accused, that the trial had started.

Sorry to rant at you, Snoopy. I have no idea what the circumstances were of your rape. But what has happened to my husband is not right, and to hear such "off the cuff " statements as the one you have just made infuriates me beyond measure.

Edit reason: amount of quoted post cut down. The reply written by saffron has not been edited.

[Snoopyseed]

If a women agrees to have sex but halway through says no, no means no, we need to get the boundaries really clear here, a women can change her mind at any time durning an act of intercourse, even if she intitiates it, halfway through if she does not feel comfortable or is in physical pain or whatever reason, those wishes need to be respected, and rape simply means intercourse without permission, and if a women halfway through the act of sex says no then this is withdrawing their permission for sex to carry on, if the act of sex still carries on it is done so without the womens permisssion, it makes no difference who intiated it, this is where we also look at grooming, women can be groomed or persuaded to have sex when thye dont really want to, but halfway through decide that this is not what thye want anymore, if a women at any point during sexual intercourse says no, get off me, then means the man has to stop, regardless of who intitiated it.
If the man refuses to stop, this is rape.
Snoopy

[Snoopyseed]

Saffron, you are enititled to your opinions, and i respect you for being so honest and upfront about how you feel.Im very sorry to hear about what has happened to your husband, and i hope that you are recieving some support to help you through what must be a difficult time, but i want you to know that i am talking about 80% + of court cases, based on facts from statistics, and many other support groups,campaigns, my own support group and my own Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Clinic here in London.Of course seeing what has happened to your husband, in court would make what i said seem off the cuff, and indeed very hurtful, but your situation whereby the victim wasnt questioned or doubted was unfair and indeed wrong, a person is innocent until proven guilty, and it was certainly wrong of the jury to instantly assume that the victim was telling the truth because we all know that there are some incredibly evil women who do cry rape, and the jury should have based their opinions on evidence not on first imressions , but im going by what happens the majority of the time , im afraid what has happened to your husband is rare and your sitaution is one that i have only heard of a few times, yes it does happen like that and its not fair, but as i said im talking about what i know from the thousands of people i have spoken to and more over the past few years.Im sorry if this does hit a raw nerve, and that is not my intention. If the case with your husband happened how you explained, then surely the trail was unfair, or biased? could you not speak to your solicitor about this to see if there is a chance of an appeal? one more thing, as for the impact statement, im speaking on behalf of the mebers of my group that have gone through this, the reasons i have been told why victims do not want to write a impact stament is because it asks you how you have coped and how badly the rape has effected you, this is incredibly painful for a victim to write, esp as every detail of the event has to be recorded, victims have to go through exactly what happened and live out every gory detail.If you can imagine for a second being in a victims shoes and having to do this, you can imagine how vile, and gut wrenchingly traumatic this is for a victim.
As for compensation, survivors of rape have often argued that this just adds insult to injury as it feels like thye are being paid for being used in this crude way, so survivors dont really want to claim compensation, those who do claim, and im talking on behalf of people that i have spoken to about this say thye do so because after the rape thye have had to leave work, for months sometimes years, whilst thye battle PTSD, and suicidal thoughts every day, thye calim compensation to help pay for loss of earnings, i hope that this helps to establish that i am talking about the fact that this does go on, and that you shouldnt be upset about what is written as by now you should realise that what happened to your husband is rare,thats not to say its right either, i hope you are receiving support and i wish you all the luck in the world , there are many support groups you can also talk to for yourself, you need to take care of yourself at the moment, because you need to stay strong.
Snoopy

[raincloud]

The law needs to be changed urgently.

After my husband's acquittal, for an alleged rape that was supposed to have happened 18 years previously, both my husband and I have suffered mental health problems (he has had a nervous breakdown recently), our 18 month old marriage has been destroyed and our lives totally ruined by the trauma of the false accusation and the farcial trial.

His accuser has got away scot free, after lying through her teeth for a year, with her big fat compensation cheque, her marriage intact and her 2 brats still have their evil cow of a mother there to corrupt their young lives. She should be serving the 10 years that my husband could have been subjected to.

There is no redress, no way of her being punished for the time and money wasted on her by the police and the courts. There was no evidence to back her story - and yet my husband had proof that the 'attack' could not possibly have happened. If she was raped at some point, she lied about who the man was.

Why? We will never know.

[susan]

Paul

There is an organisation called F.A.S.O which stands for False Allegation Support Organisation owhich might be able to help u they have a site on the web, hope this helps u

sue.

[confused]

Im confused. My friend had sex with a girl and a month later she accuses him of rape and now hes sitting in the county jail with a bail of $75,000. So does this mean if I wanted after years of having sex with my boyfriend if I get mad at him I can say he raped and have him arrested and have his name drug through the mud? I have had my bad experiences with men in my past, I was able to escape being raped, but I never claimed that he DID rape me. Its an unfair use of "justice". Justice is for those who deserve it, not the people who want attention.

[Saffron]

Yes, that is exactly what it means. It doesn't mean your friend will be convicted, but an allegation of this kind is extremely serious, and has extremely serious repercussions. Even if he is *not* charged, taken to trial and found guilty, this will stay on your friend's record forever.

Attention-seeking is a main reason (among others) for someone making a false rape claim. being the "victim" automatically elicits sympathy from others. The other reasons for making a false rape claim are alibi (if the woman has been unfaithful) and money. In the UK, those who claim to be victims of sexual assault and rape are paid large sums of money, even if no-one is arrested or charged with the crime - in some cases of claimed child sexual abuse it has been known to be up to £100,000.

I hope you can continue to support your friend.