Do you think the falsely accused are pressured to forgive?

[Lilyput]

First of all I fully agree with forgiveness in all situations. However I don't think others who have had horrendous things done to them are under so much pressure to sympathize with the person who did it to them. You don't often hear I'm sure the person who mugged you had a bad childhood or maybe your abuser was raped themselves. That would be really insensitive.

I just think people view it as 'only a lie' or 'only words' and that the police will see through it if it's false so it doesn't matter. I know people's hearts are in right place completely, it's just I don't want to have to consider FA's feelings all the time. I don't want to consider she may have been abused in childhood or debate whether or not she has mental health problems. I don't want to talk about how broken she is and pray she finds Jesus, maybe soon but not yet. I just want to feel hurt and anger until such a time I can fully forgive, same as anybody who's loved one was personally victimized would want to do.

Sorry for the rant I just feel we're never allowed to see FAs as bad people, we have to see them as damaged and that they didn't know what they were doing. Sorry for the rant, this isn't anti forgiving people at all. Just sad the falsely accused aren't understood a little more.

[Franticwithworry]

First of all I fully agree with forgiveness in all situations. However I don't think others who have had horrendous things done to them are under so much pressure to sympathize with the person who did it to them. You don't often hear I'm sure the person who mugged you had a bad childhood or maybe your abuser was raped themselves. That would be really insensitive.

I just think people view it as 'only a lie' or 'only words' and that the police will see through it if it's false so it doesn't matter. I know people's hearts are in right place completely, it's just I don't want to have to consider FA's feelings all the time. I don't want to consider she may have been abused in childhood or debate whether or not she has mental health problems. I don't want to talk about how broken she is and pray she finds Jesus, maybe soon but not yet. I just want to feel hurt and anger until such a time I can fully forgive, same as anybody who's loved one was personally victimized would want to do.

Sorry for the rant I just feel we're never allowed to see FAs as bad people, we have to see them as damaged and that they didn't know what they were doing. Sorry for the rant, this isn't anti forgiving people at all. Just sad the falsely accused aren't understood a little more.

I think that, as a society, we've become so afraid to say anything to people who have been abused that can be seen as 'victim blaming' that we've forgotten that some people jump on the bandwagon of abuse.

Not everyone who claims to be abused has been, and someone who has been falsely accused is as much a 'victim' as any other 'victim', but there doesn't seem to be much forgiveness coming in the other direction. 'Mud sticks' and all that. The false accusers are demanding retribution for something that never happened, sometimes even claiming to forgive a wrongdoing that never took place.

You're right, there is too much pressure to forgive FA's when, to be honest, they may have had a hard life, or not - they may be living in their own fantasy world. Things are too raw for me to even think about forgiveness yet, though I tend to think that's up to their God, not to me.

I certainly don't think of FA's as 'poor things.' Perhaps I'm lucky. I don't have anyone to talk to so I don't have anyone telling me that the people we are dealing with are poor souls who need my understanding. If I did, I think I'd lose it, because I know that they are not.

Your feelings are your own, lilyput, and hurt and anger right now are perfectly justified. Don't let well-meaning platitudes take that away from you. The people who say them don't understand and probably never will.

[wakingnightmare]

I feel absolutely no pressure to forgive the FA and regardless of how this ends I won't.

These are spiteful nasty lies destroying someone's life. There is an unspeakable cruelty for anyone who is falsely accused, hideous trauma, separation from children, months in police purgatory just waiting and hoping.

I'm afraid I don't think there is any justification for what they do no matter how traumatic their past. I had horrible childhood experience & awful divorce it doesn't mean I'm justified in flinging accusations at my Ex or anyone else.

[hello88]

hmmm well interesting subject....

firstly forgiving doesn't mean you have to sympathise!!!! Far from it, i mean really in your case how can you sympathise with someone you've never met or understand why they've made the accusation???

My point of view is I forgive, but i don't sympathise. Although in someways it does 'clear my mind', and i guess i hoped that the actual accusers wasn't as evil as i thought. Although the thoughts i've had over the past few months were clearly distinguished the other day when mentioned about the accuser to someone who goes to her school (not about what she's done) and in my mind i thought that the accuser herself was preassurised/forced by her mum. Only to discover that the description i got of this girl was "ohhh she's a druggy, and she such a b**** and she's always saying she's pregnant with someones baby" ... ahh o.k, so that gives me a clearer picture. Defo no sympathy going to be heading that way.

BUT i do forgive and here's why.... because everytime i forgive, i'm handing it over to God. When i get an evil look of the people who did this to my family, i come home, i cry, i pray and i say, Lord Please give me the strength to forgive what they've done to me today. I don't sympathise, i don't give reasons or excuses for why they've done this, (one day that'll be there job not mine) i just say, please help me to forgive what they've done to me. Some days i'm doing every day of the week, some days im doing it more than one day cos when i'm washing up the thoughts about what they've done invaid my mind.

and when i hand it over to God, i'm saying to myself, "don't let the hurt they've caused ruin my day" by forgiving there actions i'm handing my problems over to God, so i can focus on my children, my house, my family, everything.

Having hatred about someone really makes you not only mentally but physically exhausted. It is soo physically exhausting hating someone. When i say i forgive, i say i'm not hating them, i'm not having that hatred inside me today because i need to focus on my family.

Sorry long post, and it took me ages to get to that stage. when i first prayed for them, i cried for hours, it was such a barrier i had to overcome, when i found out that the police decide weather to persue perverting the course of justice, i was so relieved that the decision wasn't down to me (or hubby).

I think its just because i've got to the stage where i don't want revenge, (their 'revenge' is what's caused this) revenge on top of revenge, nah, i just want the TRUTH to come out and my husband home, my children protected, safe and happy again.

h xxxxxxxx

(although i'm sounding all Christian up there i have to admit it did bring a smile to my face when i have had friends tell em they can 'deal' with the people for me - and when a lady from church reminded me of her italian connections she said she had 'links' in this country and to call her anytime!!!!!! it did take me a while to remind myself of my 'Christian Values' lol )

[Lilyput]

I'd try and forgive anybody anything for my own sake more than theirs and for the people i love, i was a much nicer person before FA. I do still believe they are bad people in the same way people who commit grizzly crimes are bad people. Anybody who willing destroys another person's life with no hint of guilt is not a good person.

I think saying broken or damaged just makes them a victim again just more encouragement to lie because even if they are found to be lying they'll get sympathy about how unstable they are!
I think a lot of people to try and stop you getting angry say thing in her defense but I'm not sure there's another situation where somebody would dream of doing that.

[Lilyput]

hmmm well interesting subject....

firstly forgiving doesn't mean you have to sympathise!!!! Far from it, i mean really in your case how can you sympathise with someone you've never met or understand why they've made the accusation???

My point of view is I forgive, but i don't sympathise. Although in someways it does 'clear my mind', and i guess i hoped that the actual accusers wasn't as evil as i thought. Although the thoughts i've had over the past few months were clearly distinguished the other day when mentioned about the accuser to someone who goes to her school (not about what she's done) and in my mind i thought that the accuser herself was preassurised/forced by her mum. Only to discover that the description i got of this girl was "ohhh she's a druggy, and she such a b**** and she's always saying she's pregnant with someones baby" ... ahh o.k, so that gives me a clearer picture. Defo no sympathy going to be heading that way.

BUT i do forgive and here's why.... because everytime i forgive, i'm handing it over to God. When i get an evil look of the people who did this to my family, i come home, i cry, i pray and i say, Lord Please give me the strength to forgive what they've done to me today. I don't sympathise, i don't give reasons or excuses for why they've done this, (one day that'll be there job not mine) i just say, please help me to forgive what they've done to me. Some days i'm doing every day of the week, some days im doing it more than one day cos when i'm washing up the thoughts about what they've done invaid my mind.

and when i hand it over to God, i'm saying to myself, "don't let the hurt they've caused ruin my day" by forgiving there actions i'm handing my problems over to God, so i can focus on my children, my house, my family, everything.

Having hatred about someone really makes you not only mentally but physically exhausted. It is soo physically exhausting hating someone. When i say i forgive, i say i'm not hating them, i'm not having that hatred inside me today because i need to focus on my family.

Sorry long post, and it took me ages to get to that stage. when i first prayed for them, i cried for hours, it was such a barrier i had to overcome, when i found out that the police decide weather to persue perverting the course of justice, i was so relieved that the decision wasn't down to me (or hubby).

I think its just because i've got to the stage where i don't want revenge, (their 'revenge' is what's caused this) revenge on top of revenge, nah, i just want the TRUTH to come out and my husband home, my children protected, safe and happy again.

h xxxxxxxx

(although i'm sounding all Christian up there i have to admit it did bring a smile to my face when i have had friends tell em they can 'deal' with the people for me - and when a lady from church reminded me of her italian connections she said she had 'links' in this country and to call her anytime!!!!!! it did take me a while to remind myself of my 'Christian Values' lol )

I agree with what your saying I just think if a true victim of rape for example was struggling to forgive, I'm not sure they'd be in a back room of a church with people praying for them to forgive. I think people would be more excepting that forgiveness is a slow process.
I only just realised everyone else I've ever forgiven has actually been sorry, never realised what a difference that makes to it.

I know it happened to my OH but i do feel like my family are the victims. If I see someone who looks like FA, I'll start to freak out, I have flash back from the early days of us finding out. I just think people need to know the reality of it all. It's still such a taboo subject.

[Lilyput]

I'm not putting down our wonderful church family or the invaluable support btw. I'm amazed they can find the words at all I'd have been more than useless before FA. I'm just angry no one understands my anger, maybe cos my OH hasn't been arrested or we're all still together they can't see the effects of it.

[hello88]

I'm not putting down our wonderful church family or the invaluable support btw. I'm amazed they can find the words at all I'd have been more than useless before FA. I'm just angry no one understands my anger, maybe cos my OH hasn't been arrested or we're all still together they can't see the effects of it.

you have a right to be angry..... trust me you REALLY do... anyone is going to be angry that someone has lied about their family.. especially if they've lied to the police and it has had an affect on you, and it has an effect on your children! (i think that what makes me the most angriest.. how could they do this to innocent children??) Its the not knowing the outcome that's the worse.. if you've been arrested or not, if ss are involved or not. Your life is on hold why you find out what the outcome is. You have a right to be angry. But i do honestly beleive praying about it, even if you're not praying for help to forgive but praying for help to not let the anger eat you up, turn your anger to fighting spirit.

Solicitor ect tells me this isn't going to court, my OH has access to children and so i know we are in a better position than others, but... it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt, it doesnt mean my children arn't depressed, it doesnt mean that i'm not scared about the future. It doesnt mean that the anger and hatred will return with vengance if OH gets charged or rebailed (it did in december, its only thoughts about my children that stopped me from going up to the neighbours house and doing goodness knows what)

You do have a right to be angry xxx

[hello88]

I agree with what your saying I just think if a true victim of rape for example was struggling to forgive, I'm not sure they'd be in a back room of a church with people praying for them to forgive. I think people would be more excepting that forgiveness is a slow process.
I only just realised everyone else I've ever forgiven has actually been sorry, never realised what a difference that makes to it.

I know it happened to my OH but i do feel like my family are the victims. If I see someone who looks like FA, I'll start to freak out, I have flash back from the early days of us finding out. I just think people need to know the reality of it all. It's still such a taboo subject.

This is the hardest bit of it!! But (getting really cheesy christian here so do forgive me lol) but when Jesus died on the cross, he shouted up to Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do (or something similar to that) he didn't forgive those people to their face, he didn't wait for them to say sorry. He just said, God forgive them. I thought about this from a bible group a few months ago and thats what hit home for me. They could go round their whole life never saying sorry, whilst you could go round your whole life never forgiving them and carrying that hatred. It is something that happens when you are ready, maybe when you're NFA or when you finally see your children arn't hurt by it anymore. I just knew that its something i needed to do, for me, to carry on going. And if after all that pain and torture, Jesus could say that, then its just incredible thinking about that. h xxxxxxx

[wakingnightmare]

I really don't think anyone can truly understand what it's like unless they have been in this situation.

I'd no idea this world existed until we found ourselves here.

I don't see it in terms of either forgiving or hating. I honestly don't feel or think about them much at all. I feel angry watching what it is doing and the damaged caused. The accusations weren't made against me so I'm not in a position to forgivie anyway. I think they'd need to apologise before the idea of forgiveness arose.

I don't buy into that notion of forgiving as a way to gain closure nor the fact I've faith to I believe it's always possible to forgive. When this is over forgiveness won't erase the pain, give people back the lost time or the many thousands of pounds some on here have had to spent to prove a lie. If that admission makes me a bad person then so be it.

[hello88]

I really don't think anyone can truly understand what it's like unless they have been in this situation.

I'd no idea this world existed until we found ourselves here.

I don't see it in terms of either forgiving or hating. I honestly don't feel or think about them much at all. I feel angry watching what it is doing and the damaged caused. The accusations weren't made against me so I'm not in a position to forgivie anyway. I think they'd need to apologise before the idea of forgiveness arose.

I don't buy into that notion of forgiving as a way to gain closure nor the fact I've faith to I believe it's always possible to forgive. When this is over forgiveness won't erase the pain, give people back the lost time or the many thousands of pounds some on here have had to spent to prove a lie. If that admission makes me a bad person then so be it.

i don't think it makes you a bad person at all at all... I think it is my personal way of dealing with things. Maybe i will one day gain 'closure' from it, but i doubt i will ever forget it. I think for me personally that i know me, and i know that if i don't say the words in prayer than when (hopefully) its NFA'd than i wouldn't be moving on from it and i would let it eat me up for years and years (as other things previously have done) i guess its my way of moving on from things. My situation really is because this has happened because someone had so much hatred (drug fuelled hatred as well) against my family and i so so sooo don't want to be like them... if that makes sense lol xx

[AmandaF]

I do not feel pressurised to forgive- I NEVER will, not while I contnue to draw breath!

I feel pressured to "confess" as the witches did centuries ago during the hunts,

I became fascinated years ago by the story of the Pendle witches, visiting the place a few times.
People then seemed to think it was of no consequence to have people executed on a whim. That is not forgivable. I see no difference with our accusers

The point that people are "sorry" is a valid one though. If our accusers went to the police and told the truth, yes I would forgive. Until then- NO WAY!!!

[YearsOfHell]

This is the hardest bit of it!! But (getting really cheesy christian here so do forgive me lol) but when Jesus died on the cross, he shouted up to Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do (or something similar to that) he didn't forgive those people to their face, he didn't wait for them to say sorry. He just said, God forgive them. I thought about this from a bible group a few months ago and thats what hit home for me. They could go round their whole life never saying sorry, whilst you could go round your whole life never forgiving them and carrying that hatred. It is something that happens when you are ready, maybe when you're NFA or when you finally see your children arn't hurt by it anymore. I just knew that its something i needed to do, for me, to carry on going. And if after all that pain and torture, Jesus could say that, then its just incredible thinking about that. h xxxxxxx

We had a bible group discussion about this recently and this was the point exactly.
Unfortunately our FAs family are still fellow members and they are causing so much trouble, spreading lies and causing trouble for us.
Im finding this particular issue extremely hard.
The point was made that what we've done to God by being sinful is far worse than anything others do to us. Forgiveness even if you have a cause for complaint, is the best way. Then God can forgive us when we sin.
But when others are constantly kicking you down just as you get up its very hard to keep that forgiving spirit!!
Especially when they are making things up and lying to anyone who will listen.
6 years of hell and counting....
Maybe one day, but don't hold your breath!!!!
YoH

[Lilyput]

Hello and YOH i just have to say you are both such strong people to have to personally deal with FA's I don't think i could hack it. My OH's is a bit gothy emo-ish so any women near her age with that ugly fashion sense (not very christian sorry) nearly sends we into a panic attack while out in town.

I think I'm on the road to forgiveness but I'm not quite there yet, I don't want to get revenge anymore and that feels like a big step for me. So odd that divine forgiveness on the cross seems so strong and brave and victorious. Yet human forgiveness can feel weak. I think these are just thoughts from the enemy I need to work through them but it isn't an easy place to get to. Finding a lot of comfort in ACTS right now as there's lot's about trials and God freeing Peter when he was imprisoned. I managed to pray for FA out loud with someone on Sunday and I said her name with out snarling or ranting so that's progress.

For me forgiveness is what I need to do to get right with God but it's not my closure. I've always believed things happen for a reason when some good comes from this i believe i'll have closure. Whether it's a deeper bond with my OH, a stronger family unit, being closer to God, i don't know yet. I just know when i find how God is going to use this and what good will come from it i'll have closure.

[hello88]

Hello and YOH i just have to say you are both such strong people to have to personally deal with FA's I don't think i could hack it. My OH's is a bit gothy emo-ish so any women near her age with that ugly fashion sense (not very christian sorry) nearly sends we into a panic attack while out in town.

I think I'm on the road to forgiveness but I'm not quite there yet, I don't want to get revenge anymore and that feels like a big step for me. So odd that divine forgiveness on the cross seems so strong and brave and victorious. Yet human forgiveness can feel weak. I think these are just thoughts from the enemy I need to work through them but it isn't an easy place to get to. Finding a lot of comfort in ACTS right now as there's lot's about trials and God freeing Peter when he was imprisoned. I managed to pray for FA out loud with someone on Sunday and I said her name with out snarling or ranting so that's progress.

For me forgiveness is what I need to do to get right with God but it's not my closure. I've always believed things happen for a reason when some good comes from this i believe i'll have closure. Whether it's a deeper bond with my OH, a stronger family unit, being closer to God, i don't know yet. I just know when i find how God is going to use this and what good will come from it i'll have closure.

yay that is progress!!!! my 'progress' was to stop dreaming about running the guy over whilst he is out on his bike cycling (he does all the time) to hoping that i overtake him whilst going through a giant puddle unfortunately i haven't had an opportunity for either