I don't know what to do?

[breakingpoint123]

Hello everyone, as my title suggests I don't know what to do anymore. last october me and my friend were arrested on suspicion of rape, which was a huge surprise I did not see coming. What happened was me and a friend had a threesome with a girl he previously slept with, a couple nights before. In the morning everything was fine and the 'victim' sat in my bed under the quilt with me for an hour chatting, offering me a cigarette and being totally fine. That day me and a group of friends went to a music event which was great, came back the following day and within an hour or so we were arrested. We were both on drugs at the time of the arrest as we were still going from the night before. There were drugs involved on the night in question however it's not really the night in question I am writing about. I know our case is very strong and hers is weak and full of lies so its not necessarily the trial I am scared of.

When it happened, I expected it to be over soon but we kept getting rebailed. Over the period of 9 months we were rebailed 3 times and eventually got charged. Altogether I have lost a career in the forces (which i had done every test for and was just awaiting entry) one good stable job, my house, my phone, my computer, my dignity and most importantly of all my mental health. I lost my girlfriend not long before this accusation was made so I was already in a very low place which, because of the events that followed I have never been able to get out of, more to the point I have gone deeper into the sadness. our story was recently published in the paper and I am certain it's the reason I lost my most recent job although they made up a rubbish reason to protect the companys image.

So I am now living at my parents again which I absolutely hate, I have no job which is soon enough going to cause me to become hugely in debt and I dont even want to find another job because I know I will be sacked again when we are in the paper in the not too distant future. I can't deal with finding a job, starting to mix with people and find my feet, to then have to leave because I know I'm gonna be in the paper soon or risk staying there hoping nobody sees or I risk getting the sack again and feeling like a criminal even though I have done nothing wrong and before all of this is I was a great person. Now I am a loser, I have no future apart from more misery and I think I am depressed as my thoughts are pretty much always tinted with negativity, sadness or just general bad things. Not to sound too dramatic but I genuinely am wondering why I should even stay alive. I don't want to seem ungrateful as I know there are so many people worse off than me in the world but for me that's not a big reason to keep going. Realistically I'm only here because I have to be, it's not by choice I dont wake up with a smile on my face nor at any point in the day do I genuinely feel any positivity.

All I can ever think about is what I used to have, and what I have now which is nothing. It's not even like at some point in the future am I going to have anything, apart from the stigma that I had to have a trial for raping someone which I didn't even do. I feel like if we get a 'not guilty' it's not gonna make any difference to me at all because she has already taken everything from me and I have been publically shamed (which is only going to get much worse when the trial comes as it will be front page) it's not down to whether I have the strength to rebuild my life after this, it's simply down to the fact I shouldn't have to. We live in a terrible society where horrible little girls can destroy someones life for no reason and they get away with it. I mean really, why would I even want to live in a society that does this to me. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to jump off a bridge just as a massive middle finger to this pathetic country and its terrible judicial system because when my S is investigated I will leave a note detailing the exact reasons why I decided to do it and if it makes just someone along the line feel guilty for not having the correct measures in place to protect EVERYONE then I feel it would be worth it. I don't want to come across as depressing as this post may sound but I really am sick of seeing bad people doing better than decent people in life and I am a logical person and if I only have misery for coming to me for at least the next 6 months, baring in mind the last 12 have been terrible, thats 18 months of pure sadness - and thats just if it ends then. If I go to jail I will be a write-off no doubt about it, but if we get a 'not guilty' I don't see how that's supposed to be good. "oh great I'm not gonna have my name and the word rape next to it in the paper anymore" why should I feel grateful for that it's sickening it's happened in the first place. I have no money to relocate which I feel would help me, I have barely any qualifications so the job I had was perfect for me until I got into the forces and because of this now I'm too scared of it being brought up. So my future is basically me hoping to find a really poorly paid job as thats all I can get and survive as best as I can - what kind of life is that? and the whole thing is all down to one girl lying because she wanted her ex boyfriend back....what a world we live in.

[frightened spouse]

Hi Breaking point

Welcome to the forum, many on here will understand the total despair you are feeling it is completely natural ,but ending it all isn't an option, image the pain and distress it would cause to your family, there is a life beyond this, you mustn't let the FA and the system win.

I totally agree that you shouldn't be put in this position, but unfortunately you are as are many members of the forum and we must fight on. I can't imagine how weary you are after nearly a year ( my husband is only 31/2 months in) but your opportunity to fight back is on the horizon. This forum is a great source of support and knowledge from those that have taken the same path before you. Keep posting even if you just use it to vent your anger and frustration, and draw strength from the knowledge that you are not alone.

Best wishes

FS

[breakingpoint123]

Hi Breaking point

Welcome to the forum, many on here will understand the total despair you are feeling it is completely natural ,but ending it all isn't an option, image the pain and distress it would cause to your family, there is a life beyond this, you mustn't let the FA and the system win.

I totally agree that you shouldn't be put in this position, but unfortunately you are as are many members of the forum and we must fight on. I can't imagine how weary you are after nearly a year ( my husband is only 31/2 months in) but your opportunity to fight back is on the horizon. This forum is a great source of support and knowledge from those that have taken the same path before you. Keep posting even if you just use it to vent your anger and frustration, and draw strength from the knowledge that you are not alone.

Best wishes

FS

Thanks for the reply, just want to say as it stands I'm not contemplating ending it all but I can't seem to shake the thoughts as to why I shouldn't. Also, I have become very dependant on cannabis as this situation has progressed. I know it's not good for me long-term but it is the only thing to make me feel neutral and it really is the only thing getting me through the day. I know this can't go on forever though so now I'm dreading the thought of facing the reality of life without it. It just seems to be one thing after another.

[is there justice?]

Hi Breakingpoint

With utter dismay I welcome you - it's heart breaking to see yet another life in turmoil from an FA.

On a practical level, have you any idea what the basis of her allegation is? Is she saying she was drunk, drugged, incapable of giving consent? Have you any witnesses to her frame of mind before and after the night you all spent together? Is there anything on her FB that you can take screenshots of or any texts, emails. I know your phone and computer have gone but you could access your email elsewhere. You can sometimes get old texts from the phone company.
What's her state of mind now?

If you turn anything up, only share it with your solicitor never the police.

I think almost everyone coping with the shock of this type of allegation considers suicide. It's a draining ordeal even when you are over the initial shock but suicide is not the answer. Lives can be rebuilt although it takes time.

The authorities do need to investigate all cases but the interminable waiting and being bailed again and again, lack of info and publicising names of those not proven guilty is cruel.

Why might someone make these claims? Revenge, money, guilt, fear of being found out, any of these.

I hope you manage to dig deep and find some super strength to get you through but at the risk of sounding like your parents, the cannabis won't help your mental state. Your Doctor can be really helpful and will not be shocked or judgemental. You understandably sound depressed but there are better ways to handle it.

We are all in the same boat to a greater or lesser degree - come back as often as helps. There's no shame in being falsely accused.

ITJ

[can it get worse]

Hi,
Thank you for sharing your awful story with us. Your feelings are to be expected.....there are many many people on here who are in the same situation. Many of us feel our lives are never going to be the same again (what ever the outcome) and this is made even worse when we find out that the accuser is carrying on as normal.

You have to find the strength to fight when the time comes. Try to draw strength from others on here who can support you. We need you as much you need us.

Take care and stay positive..Easy said than done and I rarely put this into practice..... But there is no option but to hang on in there. Take one day at a time. See your GP. You life is precious. Bless.

[myhome]

Hi and welcome to the forum but so very sorry you have had to find us. thank you for sharing your story in such an open and honest way....that must have been very hard for you...

My immediate advice is to go and see your GP to get proper medication for your depression (rather than self medicating which as you say is harmful on the long term). Most of us have found the GP to be very sympathetic and understanding. S/he will also be able to refer you on to your Community Mental health Team if it's thought necessary, or qualified counsellor or therapist - there is no shame in this - a lot of us have done it and found talking to someone independent and non-judgemental very therapeutic and helpful...

Whilst at the moment you can see no positive future for you - and that is so understandable - it won't always be that way. When you get NG then you can start to rebuild your life but it may be in a different direction to the one you had originally planned. (I'm assuming you're still quite young as you were about to join the Forces?) If so, you have a long life ahead of you and you CAN start again. You CAN rebuild and you CAN take a new direction - maybe even in another country....Please don't think I'm being Pollyanna about the situation you are in - I'm not. Neither am I talking from the point of view of someone who has "come out the other side!" I'm not - I'm nearly 10 months in and no further forward.... I'm not suggesting that making the positive steps forward will be easy - they quite possibly won't be - but that only makes them hard - it doesn't make them impossible. I know it's not what you had in mind for your life - none of us had this in mind for our lives -but you now have very many different options as to the direction your life could take....

Keep strong and keep posting and we'll help all we can.......MH

[breakingpoint123]

thanks to anyone who has replied. I am in two minds about seeing my GP because if I have a history of depression or anything similar I fear when I try to reapply for the forces it might affect my chances and a career in the forces is the only hope I have in life to not lead a mediocre, boring struggle of a life. So the last thing I want to do is jeopardise my chances over this because if I were to find out that that would be the reason I couldn't gain entry to the forces I will be devistated and how I feel then will be alot worse than I do now.

I know people will say that it's stupid to not see my GP over that but I'm just trying to think long-term?

Can anyone give advice on what they or their partners have done for work since being charged? Not having a job is killing me but I almost feel abit scared to get one now anyway incase I am found to be the person in the paper? what can I do? I need money to pay my bills I'm scared of what's going to happen when I don't pay them? I have worked for the last 7 years, straight from school and being unemployed is a situation I never had in mind and it's causing me so many problems I just want this nightmare to be over.

[is there justice?]

Hi BP123

I take your point regarding AF application but just bear it in mind if you feel you need extra help. Please also bear in mind that in random drugs test they can detect cannabis use for quite a while I believe.

Not sure what sort of work others do but building work, gardening, decorating etc would keep you physically active, hopefully tire you so you can sleep
and stave off depression.

Take care

ITJ

[whatsgoingon?]

Hi - Welcome to the forum. You've already had some great advice , especially the last post from ITJ - any activity (especially physical -and especially one that pays ) is going to do you good.

One of the worst 'side-effects' of the situation you find yourself is that it can catapolt you into inertia, when infact the opposite is what will help you to regain your self confidence, self-estime and ultimately to fight the allegations. Get some work (even odd jobs) , do some sport, carry on seeing your mates, learn to play an instrument or something else creative . You'll find it'll help to occupy your mind, keep you physically fit and change your outlook .

Try to think positive ( I'm not joking....) Do you really want to join the forces right now, with world events as they stand??? Wouldn't you be better off waiting a year or so?
You hate living with your parents, but you've no income - would you like not to have your parent's home in to live in and perhaps not their support? I assume they're happy to have you there, but is there anything you can do while living with them to improve your lot and theirs at the same time?

You say you were once successful etc and now you're a 'loser'. Why's that? You're still the same person - you're still that great person, it's just life has given you a hiccup. It happens, you could have had an accident, a permanent injury a serious illness or any other life-changing event to deal with.

This is a horrific situation but you can learn to deal with it - and it's temporary. As for jobs after court etc, my son who was in a similar situation to yours is now doing extremely well professionally. It does happen.

Have you looked on the Specialist solicitors thread in 'General Information' ? Make sure you get someone excellent to defend you in court if it goes that far. You say something like it's clear she's lying, don't take it for granted that's clear at all.
I cannot stress just how important it is to get a recommended, competent legal team who is experienced in sexual allegations to defend you.

Keep well- and active!

[myhome]

I am in two minds about seeing my GP because if I have a history of depression or anything similar I fear when I try to reapply for the forces it might affect my chances and a career in the forces is the only hope I have in life to not lead a mediocre, boring struggle of a life. So the last thing I want to do is jeopardise my chances over this because if I were to find out that that would be the reason I couldn't gain entry to the forces I will be devistated and how I feel then will be alot worse than I do now.

I know people will say that it's stupid to not see my GP over that but I'm just trying to think long-term?

Hi again - because of the Equality Act 2010 - there are "9 Protected Characteristics" which cannot be used to discriminate against people in any situation. One of these is Disability. http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/a...s-definitions/ Any prospective employer cannot use a health issue as a reason to not employ someone. Neither can they in an interview ask you questions on your physical or mental health. Your GP has a duty of confidentiality to you and cannot disclose your medical records without your permission except to the police I believe.

the statistics re mental ill health are that 1:4 of the population will have experienced a form of mental ill health in their life time. this means that one quarter of the current armed forces has some sort of mental ill health....

Don't give up on your dreams......one member on here is a serving member of the armed forces and got tremendous support from them during the trial (which resulted in NG btw)..... all is not lost but you have to keep fighting and keep as positive as you can as often as you can.....

[breakingpoint123]

I think I am going to see my GP now I really feel like I'm losing my mind, I have absolutely zero energy and I feel physically pathetic all the time.

Yeah I get the forces can't just not employ someone on something like that but for me it's not going to be a minor bit of ill mental health because I do actually not want to be here anymore. I keep thinking in such detail about it and where I am just struggling in every single aspect of life 24/7 I just think why am I enduring this pain. Main reason is that it's blasted into your brain that suicide is selfish etc but the way I see it, it's actually selfish of people to expect me to want to 'live' and I use the world live loosely cus this is just surviving in no way am I living a life.

I Live at my parents but not for free they want 160 a month and my income is zero. Been here about 6 weeks and they have said nothing yet but soon they will start moaning at me and we will have massive arguments which is just gonna contribute to my overall stress going through the roof. It's like I can see the future and I see how bad it is. To be honest they're not very supportive at all I don't think my mum has said one supportive word to me since I've been here all she has done is shout at me for cooking and not opening the back door? Apparently to her the smell of cooking is the most discusting thing on earth and she would rather deprive me the ability to maintain a diet and cook as I come and go. She thinks it should be that I come home for my tea (like when I was 8) so where every aspect of my life has or is being controlled by other people she just wants to add to that by making me come home for tea, but I decided I'm not gonna be controlled more so I now just stay out.

People who keep saying about my legal team, I am happy with my solicitors they have been there from the start with me and I have no intention of changing. The case is so massively in our favour because there is no evidence at all its our word against hers and without going into too much detail I know for an absolute fact that our version of events is stronger, I mean a girl who was her friend and with her on the night is now going to testify against her for us because when the 'victim' text her friend to say she'd been raped (i know?) her friend came to get her and they had a phonecall in which her friend says she was laughing down the phone and wasnt distressed at alll so with regards to the trial, im confident. I just don's see how I am meant to lst another 6 months feeling like this, especially when I know it's going to get worse.

[frightened spouse]

Hi sorry you are continuing to feel so low, it is good that you have decided to see the GP if you can't wait call the 111 service I did one weekend after I'd hardly slept in weeks and it was really good.

Try not to be too hard on your parents they are probably finding it really tough too, all households affected by an FA are going to be very pressured. Your Mum is probably trying to maintain some control and sense of normality by requesting you eat your meals with them. I would love someone to cook my tea I have been living on ready meals and sandwiches for months.

If you can find some kind of regular work paid/or even unpaid just to get you out of the house and give you a sense of purpose over the few months it may help you not to overly dwell on what's ahead. Don't forget this is only temporary, it is excellent that one of the FA's friends is helping your defence and that you are confident about your case.

To put it bluntly you are in a **** situation at this moment in time but you can make it more bearable by taking control of how you spend the next six months. Unfortunately there are no obvious answers to getting through the experience of being FA'd you just have to weather the storm as best you can.

Best wishes

FS

[Boys don't cry]

Hi and welcome Breakingpoint.

Going to the GP can be an option but in my opinion you already have been given a best solution by WGO and ITJ:

Work.

With work you will feel less a loser, meet new people and keep your mind and body busy which only can be only positive to your health.
Work will provide you a source of income and 160£ for a while to your parents.
If it disturbs them for you to cook at inconvenient time, you will be able to go to the restaurant or take away.
Maybe you don't remember your mother being supportive with you but she might be shocked and doesn't know how to communicate her feelings for you, or she might be afraid to upset you?
There are other jobs where you can succeed apart from the forces.
If you look for them,different courses or apprenticeships will always be available.

Suicide.

As you have been told before is not an option.
You wrote:"just surviving in no way am I living a life."
You won't live your life surviving but must until the end of the trial then you will live your life again.
Surviving is temporary, suicide is definitive.
Suicide is selfish: most of us I am confident have thought about it but when you will be found Not Guilty...
There will be days when you will smile only to see a nice sunshiny day.

People will believe that you were guilty and couldn't cope with it.
You will be in the newspapers again for the wrong reason and I am not sure anyone will have regrets for you.
Some of us have also been in the newspapers, were ashamed to be publically named and read awful accusations but people will forget about them and you might be proud one day to read "Not Guilty".

Survivalism.

You wrote: So with regards to the trial, I'm confident.
You will have an excellent witness coming to the trial as a witness for you.

You still have everything to win and at the moment it is your case to keep your freedom and dignity.
You already lost a lot and can't be bothered for anything , trust me I know the feeling and thought about something but there is no way I would have sacrifice my life to let the liar win.

[myhome]

Hi breakingpoint - BDC has just given some very sound and excellent advice (as always).

your days really need structure at the moment so if you cannot get paid employment at the mo, I would recommend volunteering - there are many and very diverse organisations which need volunteers - not just the charity shops. I guess you're an active outdoorsy type of person so have a look for your local conservation volunteer group or the National Trust.. I would also suggest having a chat with CAB to see what benefits you're entitled to....

[breakingpoint123]

Thanks for the replies everyone but I don't know if I forgot to say or if nobody seen it but I am 100% not putting myself in the situation where I am scared of being recognised from the paper or online. I know it's the reason I lost my most recent job and I'm not having it again. I actually would love to do some charity work or something but even then I still have the constant worry in the back of my head of 'how do I tell them what's happening?' and it causes me so much stress. Also its september now, lets say i get a job soon and after interviews my first week of work is october. Less than 6 weeks later I'm in court so I need to secure that date off, lie about it (causing more fear of being found out) attend court and be in the paper the next day and hope nobody at my new job sees it. So thats 5 weeks of finding my feet/making friends to then go court and be ****ting myself that someone I've now made friends with is going to see it and be unsure what to think. Which to me, would be an indirect way of that person saying to me "well you could rape someone" don't you agree? Why on earth would I put myself in that position.

It is possible that nobody will see it but even then the trial is in march and I'd have to quit when that comes around and I don't know if earning some money is worth what it will cost me, which is ALOT of stress, worry and fretting which is all I ever seem to do.

Can anyone give me some links or names of organisations that I could volunteer for? If I could I'd love to just dedicate myself to a charity or somthing 'til this whole thing is over.

BDC, your point about me looking guilty by committing suicide, I do get what you're saying but (i dont mean this in a rude way) I literally could not give a **** if I look guilty. The case is so rediculous there is not one person on earth who when they hear the whole story would believe the 'victim' so theres no way I'd ever look guilty. As I say it's not the trial im scared of, it's losing everything, having nothing, no way of getting anything and just being expected to deal with it like it's an every day issue.