New to this ...Help...advise...what to do? Scotland

[cantgiveup]

Hi sorry I probably was not clear...it is my kids dad who is behaving in that way, not my partner.My partner has no previous history of being in any kind of trouble, not even a parking ticket!

Unfortunately I have no influence towards my ex (my kids dad), although I will have to try and confront him soon as the children are upset.

My posts are probably not making much sense, stress, exhaustion, overthinking, fear, panic are not good for my language skills, which are probably not great at the best of times!

[lawlessone2009]

Things do eventually subside in so far as the emotions go. You still go up and down on a roller coaster ride though and nothing actually finishes until you have it in writing or a jury deliver a verdict.

Some mutual friend, not exactly what I would view as mutual. Drop em.

I lost virtually every friend I had. My false accusation was never spoken about with anyone by my accuser (as far as I know) but things have ways and people know people. My parents, who are still in the town, have thankfully been spared any troubles and I am still able to enter the town and visit my parents. I don't know who knows what or even if anyone knows so I jump to conclusions and simply avoid all potential situations and indeed my friends... It's weird!

Got plenty of 'friends' where I stay. I talk with virtually everyone and help just about the entire bloody neighbourhood with jobs and things so I am busy enough and happy enough where I am. It does sicken me that my childhood village has been basically stolen from me though...

I wish I really could give you comforts and reassurances and tell you it'd all be okay and not to worry but the truth is that the internet is the internet and you and your partner are dealing with reality. We are all real though and we have all been through similar situations, some far far worse than others and some a lot easier but we are all able to relate with you and hopefully be here in whatever manner we can be.

I'm sure that most would agree that the law is a 'donkey' and it's easy to take your personal situation and say that the law simply is not fit for purpose and I can almost guarantee it is not. The problem is that law is pretty generalised and everything that happens is made to fit into something or another. It does take a lot of time and effort for those who are legal enforcers to figure out all the evidence and slot it into something or another. Whether they slot it into a bin or slide it into a courtroom to present to a jury is anyones guess but it does take time. They will certainly not give up a case without thoroughly investigating all avenues and I am sure you can appreciate this even though you and your partner are unfortunately subject to the investigating... Hell, it happens. It's majorly overpowering and takes a blooming long time to recover from but in time things will calm a little, just try to keep them as calm as possible in the meantime.

This episode in your lives will pass. Stick in it for the long run rather than considering the easy options as they really are never the easiest in the end. It'd only be sods bloody law that the bridge wasn't quite high enough, the rope snapped but not in time to avoid brain damage or the drugs simply knackered your kidneys rather than sent you to heaven... Sorry to be blunt and do not for one moment believe that there is a high enough bridge, strong enough rope or magical enough pill. It's not who you are as a person and far far too many people love you and depend on you. Whenever you are feeling negative just think back to that time a few weeks ago when your youngster done something special that made your heart skip a beat or your partner surprised you in some manner (if you need to think back a few years for this then you've clearly been unlucky and ended up with someone like me.........)

[cantgiveup]

Thanks all, it is amazing how people you have never even met before can be more caring in a few sentences that supposed close friends..tonight I have upset my partner by being so down, he is hurting so bad and blames himself. I have reassured him of my love and support, I feel guilty I am not able to be strong enough for him.

It almost feels like the system is out to break us / everyone...what is happening to us when one woman can make allegation, which my partner has to answer. but doesn't even know what he is answering as we cant see what she is saying happened? So the advise is (and from what I gather good advise) to no comment and if it goes to trial then we will have all the gathered evidence and be able to plan a defense...what a pile of ****. A thorough investigation is right and proper and for anyone who has been raped I would hope this would happen BUT I would hope that the investigation was true and honest...

I contacted the police while my partner was in custody to add to my statement something I had remembered from the night in question. The police listened but did not want to add it to my statement - stating they may contact me later...they have not 'investigated' in that they have not interviewed anyone else we were with that night who have seen and heard things said. Surely as time goes on memories fade and people have the opportunity to conspire against whoever they choose. Can I presume that the police are not going to interview other potential witnesses. What are they ACTUALLY doing? Other than allowing a potentially volatile situation to escalate and explode, absolutely NOTHING. Rant done.

My head hurts - too much thinking, my throat hurts - too much crying, my heart hurts - too much breaking. I will stand by my partner. I will do what I believe is right. I will teach my children to be brave and learn that some people are worth fighting for. I will try not to break down. I will stop writing that letter.

Thankyou all. You give good advise.

Oh and lawlessone - I am lucky, my partner has made me feel special every single day we have been together...the last 7 weeks not so much it has to be said, but I still feel lucky he picked me and no matter what happens will never regret a second of our time spent together. Thanks for making me think of that I had forgotten....

[is there justice?]

Can't give up

Big hugs This really is the most bl**dy awful situation. The police haven't even spoken to me even though FA, Hub, Son, and I worked together plus other staff. They have only taken statements from FA, her b/f and her best friend then interviewed and charged hub. The FA asked other staff to support her but they refused saying nothing to support. Are the police remotely interested in that? Course not! 5 weeks now and no statements or tapes for sol. Hub is in court on 10 June. We go away on Friday for 5 days. It's a fiasco but we have to stay strong.

[lawlessone2009]

Turn the lack of investigating into the fact that they've already investigated enough and don't believe it to be going anywhere... Keep it positive.

IF they were to proceed to trial and they hadn't interviewed potential witnesses then when the defense presents those witnesses and holes start getting blown in the case there may be a lot of avenues open for your legal team to take advantage off.

The Police also have a habit of allowing people to do their own thing and simply sit back and see what the results are. What's the point in spending massive amounts of resources on an allegation when you can leave those involved to provide the evidence. It's similar to what is happening with the 'famous' peoples just now, kick their name out there and see if anyone else comes forward. Makes the prosecutions case bloody simple.

The fact that the allegation IS out there in your case and nobody has come forward is a true reflection of your partner. Either this is an isolated incident or it didn't happen. I tend to take the view that it didn't happen. People are strange creatures and there is normally a kind of 'history' of such when it comes to offending and even the law recognises this, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moorov_v_HM_Advocate.

Sometimes an allegation is simply too good to not put before a jury. If the allegation could potentially be 'either way' (not the legal interpretation! The 'can't decide' one) then a jury is a good bet to make the decision. Just because a case makes it before a court doesn't mean you're guilty or that the Police think you are guilty, it just means that they're leaving it for a jury to decide. Juries aren't stupid but sometimes defense teams are... Worry about that if there is ever an indictment served...

In the meantime try and get by. Try and stay sane. Try and at least smile once a day. It's bloody hard! I've willowed in misery for weeks, months, years... It doesn't help with the state of the country at the moment and the amount of negativity that exists without even mentioning the financial strain that the majority of us are under... Nothing helps... SMILE though, nobody can ever take a smile away from you. Have a cuddle too, they can't be stolen.

[cantgiveup]

Thanks, today I feel a little better, apart from having a thumping headache from all the crying!!! I need to give myself a wee kick and stop wallowing and listen to you all about staying positive. Today I will try harder!! My youngest made breakfast in bed for my eldest today, the deal was I had to stay out the room and shout instructions only - no actual help, my wee one was so proud of herself, it did make me smile!

I do need to take the positives from the fact that nothing is being taken forward at the moment, and not dwell on the fact that I find this cruel. I guess it is the system and we have to live with it. It wont change because I stamp my feet.

My partner needs a boost and I am going to try and think of something to make him smile....he needs something positive too.

So, this morning has been better than yesterday morning, and that is positive, yeah?

[lonley place]

Yeh today is a massive positive, glad to hear you are feeling better !. LP

[cantgiveup]

Is there any justice - I wanted to reply to your own thread but can't find it.

I hope you enjoy your few days away, I am sure they will do you good.

I hope you take all the advise you and others have offered myself and others and stay positive, strong and believe the truth will out

[lawlessone2009]

I do need to take the positives from the fact that nothing is being taken forward at the moment, and not dwell on the fact that I find this cruel. I guess it is the system and we have to live with it. It wont change because I stamp my feet.

Bet you're kicking yourself that all this time that you've thought of the 'justice' system as a pillar of society ensuring the guilty are punished it's really been a system badly setup, serving very large companies and supporting agendas rather than true victims.

You stamp your feet at the same time as me and we can stamp them together... We can join with others until our stamping quashes the draconian idiots that are financially benefiting from a corrupt system.

The positives are all around you just that everyone wants you to be negative so that their negativeness doesn't seem so negative. Hell, they'll call you a right wing racist if they can't get you by other means...

You can't win so don't try, LoL... Just obey!

The main issue is that you'll need BIG positives to overcome the large negatives just now. It's a catch 22. I would actively encourage you to simply seek out small things and forget about trying to counteract the negatives. What will happen then is that what appears to be a large negative will no longer be such.

It's easy for me to say all these things... I HAVE been an accused and I have been there... I'm still there at times and I'm bitter AND grateful that a trial never materialised in my case.

It's just one big sick game...

Another issue you guys will have is 'the unknown'........... Nobody is going to let you know apart from us and your legal team, the problem is that we don't have the actual info but can merely attempt to reassure you that things are looking good just now with the lack of progress so far.

[cantgiveup]

Lawlessone - you have it the nail on the head with 'the unknown' I have this fear in my stomach permanently, of going out, bumping in to someone and some kind of scene being made in front of my kids. I am going to another town to do shopping etc to try and avoid bumping in to people...I know I am tormenting myself with what ifs..but although I know what I am doing I cant seem to stop it!!

My personality is probably to avoid confrontation to an extent, but I am not afraid to tell the world of my partners innocence, I am afraid for my children. I am very ready to confront people, but I am afraid of saying too much and damaging my partners case. I have always believed in maintaining a dignified silence but unfortunately the accuser is not and so because my partner and I are so quiet the gossips all believe her all her lies (maybe not all, but our mutual friends seem to)

Aaaargh I wish I could just get my mind to stop...it is there all the time....

I really hope you are right that a decision has to be made to proceed with the charge within 6 months. Two down, four to go!!

[tiftaf]

I am sure I'm not alone is saying this but the uncertainty is very difficult. However, it is a known fact that humans find it easier to deal with a terrible certainty rather than being left in limbo. (My GP told me this.)

I feel that throughout your posts you seem to keep referring to your strength and that you should be doing this and you should be dong that. I am, to all intents and purposes a strong person, this situation however, pole axed me.

I kept going researching things to I was fully aware of what the prosecution process was etc etc and of course, found this forum. I still fill up (as I have just done) when I remember how awful the whole thing was. I think your situation is much more stressful though. The village gossips, the situ with your children, your ex. Give yourself a break! That's a huge mount for any human to be expected to deal with. Now, pamper yourself tonight and that's an order. xxx

[cantgiveup]

Thanks for the orders tiftaf.... don't think relaxing will be possible tonight. My ex just appeared at the door and shouted and swore at me about my partner seeing the children....I told him I was prepared to talk to him, but not if he continued to be abusive, and if he would not leave I would call the police. He left after calling me a few more unrepeatable things, reminding me just why we are not together in the first place.

You are right it is the uncertainty that is the torture.

[cantgiveup]

LL1 - a bit gutted today...I contacted lawyer for advise re ex (he had said to contact any time if we had any form of harrassment - he does seem like a good guy) anyway while I was talking to him, I asked about the timebarr, and apparently charges that will be heard on solemn procedure, have no timebarr. There is a law somewhere where the accuser must have his case heard within a reasonable time, but he said that it would only be considered after a long period of time. (years)

Sol had hoped she would drop charges, but I know she wont (narcissistic personality). He is going to try and find out if any progress but he advised that it very unlikely.

[Izzy]

Hi cantgiveup, my Son's case was similar in the legalities as your partners however different in circumstances..

He was also charged, kept in custody for two days until the next court opening day, at the last minute there was no court appearance and he was 'liberated', no bail.

I can only pass on what I was told by the Solicitor and Police which is there is a one year window for it to be brought to court however nothing is written in stone and it can be resurrected if for example if an other accusation is made or 'new' evidence comes to light.

I don't want to be all doom and gloom I do believe it is a big positive that your partner has no bail conditions - I think it says a lot!

[is there justice?]

Is there any justice - I wanted to reply to your own thread but can't find it.

I hope you enjoy your few days away, I am sure they will do you good.

I hope you take all the advise you and others have offered myself and others and stay positive, strong and believe the truth will out

Thanks CGU, you too.

I do believe this has changed us forever and whatever the outcome I will be fighting the system for the rest of my days - this crazy system just has to be brought under control.

Lawless "Bet you're kicking yourself that all this time that you've thought of the 'justice' system as a pillar of society ensuring the guilty are punished it's really been a system badly setup, serving very large companies and supporting agendas rather than true victims."
Oh yes, aren't we all? Sums it up perfectly!