Very new to this....

[worriedandconcerned]

Great Post RF agree 100%

[Kjg]

forgive

I CANT

My family is upside down as well as my girl friends all for what REVENGE ive lost everything job so called friends my children and most of all trust

[can it get worse]

Yes - know what you mean MH.......... I completely understand RF's approach and really admire her strength of character and approach. However, I struggle to gain this attitude. BUT working on it!

My personal issue is not particularly the accuser. The liar means nothing to me (or my partner) but I still struggle with the system that facilitated her lies and carried her as a 'victim'.

The falsely accused are the VICTIMS.

Someone has asked my partner today how he is. He told this person that we are both still trying to come to terms with what has happened. The person was surprised and said something like...."oh I though you'd be well over it by now". I could SCREAM very LOUD.

Sending you lots of power MH, to battle this out and turn your back on it for good. Our lives are too precious to let this thing take hold. Remember what you told me - it takes time for our brains to re-adjust. We will get there XXX

[myhome]

Thank you all - I'm struggling with the meaning of "to forgive," and have looked it up. To me is to say to someone, "It's ok what you did." I'm going to have to think about this much more

[Izzy]

Big hug MH

Living with the fear of the unknown for such a long time really takes it toll, all you think about is NFA and when you get it the relief is over whelming. Doesn't cancel out any of what you've been through unfortunately.

Lovely post RF

[Rights Fighter]

If you don't forgive then it's like holding on to a hot piece of coal instead of throwing it away.

Forgiveness does not necessarily benefit the forgiven, neither should it be intended to. If you cannot forgive then you cannot move on. Nobody suggests that forgiveness equals forgetting. It doesn't.

You will never forget the feelings you had when the police first came knocking, neither will you forget the way you felt through to either NFA, not guilty verdicts or the time spent in prison.

Holding onto a hot coal only hurts one person. Yourself.

I've had to forgive certain people since childhood. Before I did that I was a complete mess. I held on to resentment and grudges because I didn't want "them" to win. The only person I was hurting was myself. They carried on with their lives with absolutely no thought of what they did to me. As I was the only person hurting, I decided that the best way forward was to forgive them, pity them, and then move on.

Later I found out that they were upset I wanted nothing to do with them. I wasn't upset. I had moved on. In two cases, I attempted to forgive and forget.

One I heartily regretted doing that and stopped the contact, but went 'back' several times, as they kept asking for contact. Every time that happened, it caused me more grief and sorrow. Very recently I took the decision to not go there again. It's not worth it. They are not worth it. He's a social climber, narcissistic, and cannot see the damage he has caused to more than just me, others are involved. His wife lives in her own little bubble. A snob. Poor her, not mixing with "certain types" because "they are not our sort of people". They've missed out on meeting some wonderful ordinary people, because they won't lower their bar to get to know them. They are stuck with equally narcissistic social climbing people who would not be there should things go wrong and they lost their social standing.

I spent four decades trying to believe that he would eventually see what he was doing, not just to myself, but others. I know that because I am in touch with "the others". That person occasionally emails but it's goes directly to deleted. I cannot allow myself to go back. But I have forgiven him. I had to, otherwise I couldn't move on and of course I was allowing him to completely ruin my life. he (and his wife) aren't doing that any more, because I am in control, they are forgiven, they don't know it, and they are no longer in my life despite his efforts to get me back. It ain't happening.

Another person I felt, that as she were coming to the end of her life, and she wanted contact, I gave it. I had forgiven her back in the 1980's. I'm glad I answered her request for contact, but I couldn't feel any emotion towards her, apart from feeling distinctly uncomfortable with her as memories came back. She's gone now. I don't think there was any malice in her. Maybe something went wrong in her childhood and she had to perpetrate it, I really don't know. I've stopped asking the questions because there will never be any answer. I've just had to accept it.

At her funeral it was acknowledged that she regretted that some relationships she had, she didn't handle well. That's an understatement. But there it was. It was the closest I would ever get to an apology.

Toxic relationships in childhood cause toxic relationships and behaviour as an adult, unless consciously stopped. I've stopped it. It's gone.


I had to think along the lines of: "Holding on to resentment and anger hurts only one person, you, although it can rebound on those around you. Why should those around you suffer for the sins of others. If you cannot forgive people for what they did to you, for yourself, then think how it is affecting those who surround you. You cannot be a whole person if you hang on to the past. If you cannot do it for yourself, then think about doing it for your loved ones".

That is how it worked for me. How it works for those who have been hurt by whatever has caused severe trauma in their lives, is entirely up to them. I can only speak for myself.

[can it get worse]

All that is left is to forgive the person and move on, to forgive is to regain control imo

Not saying to the FA's face, but internally.

All the best.

A very good piece of advice which I try to consider but fail to forgive. However, the little I know about our liar shows she is far from settled in her own life and had major mental problems. So a little forgiveness can be afforded in certain circumstances. In the case of MH, her liar's background is not clear so forgiveness (in my opinion) may be harder to consider.

Bestest bestest Wishes MH xxxx

[Music lady]

So sorry to hear you're struggling. I'm pleased you've made an appointment to see your counsellor. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Try and be kind to yourself. The emotional trauma you've been through with the FA, takes time to heal from. We're all here for you.

[inhell]

Aww thank you simonsimple
I can't ever envisage forgiving her for what she has put me through. I will be able to move on in time, and have now made an apt with a counsellor I was seeing last year (was about something else then). She is excellent and I feel better for having made the appt.

Hi I've just read your fantastic news I can't believe how long your ordeal lasted mine being 8 months and counting and I'm struggling. You must be so happy I'm so pleased for you you have your life back and a well deserved holiday sounds good.i really needed to hear someone made it out of this nightmare. I've noticed how you been there for other people even while you was going through hell I have huge admiration for you absolutely fantastic news :-) there is hope.

[myhome]

Aww thank you simonsimple
I can't ever envisage forgiving her for what she has put me through. I will be able to move on in time, and have now made an apt with a counsellor I was seeing last year (was about something else then). She is excellent and I feel better for having made the appt.

[Simonsimple]

Thanks CH - just being there and the support you've given over the 2 years has been brilliant

I've read many threads where you have been there for others.

I've also read your story.

All that is left is to forgive the person and move on, to forgive is to regain control imo

Not saying to the FA's face, but internally.

All the best.

[myhome]

Thanks CH - just being there and the support you've given over the 2 years has been brilliant

[Casehardened]

Don't know what to say except that you survived and are surviving

I'm a bit further down the road but still can't offer much comfort, there are not many days when I don't think about what happened but on a positive note I'm not affected by it any more (except in being very careful not to be drawn into similar situations!)

[myhome]

2 years ago......

So - 2 years ago to-day my world was turned upside down by the "invite" to have a little chat with the local plod, and 2 years ago Saturday we had that chat which was one of the most horrendous things I have ever experienced.

I have survived the 2 years with so much support from sooooo many people. But at what cost? It is apparent to me that just because I (or anyone) got the NFA, the emotional turmoil, distress and trauma does not just disappear. How many times have I posted here to other people, "Please don't underestimate the time it will take you to recover from your dreadful experience..." so why can I not apply that to me? I can't - no matter how hard I try.

After a long chat with my soulmate at work (I'm the same age as her mum!!!!), I'm going to seek some professional help to get my head unscrambled cos I just don't seem to be able to do it on my own....

But, I guess my overwhelming message is, that, even though I'm not yet at the place I wan to be - I survived......and so can you. To everyone on here who has helped me every step of the way, from the very bottom of my heart - THANK YOU .......MH xxxxxxxx

[VictimToOffender]

Botched

Hi VictimtoOffender (puzzled by your user name)
I'm a bit puzzled by your post and not sure which post you answered.......I'm the OP and after 21 and 1/2 months was NFA'd.......
if you have answered another post maybe you could post on the OP thread?

I botched the posting, sent to wrong thread. Its true, I'm still waiting on my NFA. The post I wanted to reply to was the poor fellow thats self harming due to the stress.

Victim to Offender relates to my own case. I called the police when my ex rammed my car four (4) times. She then claimed I'd raped her three (3) times over the past two (2) years. Thus I went from Victim to Offender in one (1) lie.