Why me? Why now? What’s next?

[Notinmywildestnightmares]

Hi.

I was looking for a place to air and hopefully find some support.

Nearly 12 months ago I split with my girlfriend of 10 years.
It was hard on her as we had been through a lot together and I had been her rock throughout it all (her words not mine)
About 3 months ish after we split the reality of what what I had done hit me. I had walked away from a happy loving relationship. But I knew I couldn’t go back
Looking back I had a break down, my head was all over the place. - I think it’s a great misnomer that if your the one that walks out your not effected in any way.

At this most vunrable time I got a text message from my ex saying I ‘she thought on one occasion I had forced myself on her’
I fell apart. My responses show this.
I assumed I had raped her but had & still have no recollection of the even at all.
She responded that I hadn’t raped her and that she felt like I pressured her into it.
Apparently (according to her) it happened about 6 months before we split, one morning before work and - apparently I felt abit fruity but she wasn’t game as it would have made us late for work....in the end she went along with it and we were indeed late.
At the time she didn’t say anything to me afterwards and I had no idea at all until she dropped it in March last year.

Fast forward to the start of this month and water has gone under the bridge.
She has apparently moved on, found herself another man - we’ve met he’s very nice - and is now engaged.
I am aware she is having trouble working with me (although we work at the same place we have very little actual contact) but I am happy to work with her and support her professionally with 0 hang ups.
At a recent do we both attended before Christmas she came to me gave me a big hug and told me to make sure I am not lonely over the break.

Then comes two weeks ago when a mutual friend of ours whom I quite like, switches me off. Point blank refuses to talk to me. My ex is aware I have feelings for this friend but both her and I have told said ex numerous neither one of us is interested in the other.
After a couple of days I’m dragged into a meeting in works time where my ex lays down that I raped her back when she first said.
She accuses me of attacking her etc etc.
I do no more and dial 101 but she snatches the phone out my hand before the call can connect. Telling me not to get the police involved.
Apparently she has told our mutual friend ‘everything’ - but I know it’s a lie. I have no memory of the incident other than what we told me last year but I know even that isn’t something I would’ve done.
No is no in my book.

That night I went to the police station and they were remarkably non-plus abit it and sent me on my way.
The following day I rang my solicitor and explained everything and got him onboard if required but his advice is to sit tight and wait. Also giving me advice on a pending work investigation.

I have since heard that neither her or our mutual friend can work with me. It has also gone round work like wildfire although my boss who has known me 10 years doesn’t believe a word of it and has been very supportive it has now gone above his head.
I have a suspicion the ex has now been to the police but I’m unsure if they are going to be in contact.

The whole thing has left me very scared. I know I have done nothing wrong. People I have spoken to - my mum and dad included have said even it being her version of events it sounds like a typical relationship - there will be times when you don’t feel like it but do anyways etc.
When I was walking back from the police station I had to ring my dad as I felt I could have easily walked into the omcomog traffic - that frightened me too.
I don’t know if this nightmare will end or how I move on from it. The thought alone of maybe someday meeting someone new terrifies me already.

I’m just waiting for the knock at the door....

[Casehardened]

Hello and welcome to the forum, though sorry to read about the circumstances that brought you here,

What you have described, a post relationship-break-up accusation, has been played out on the forum in one way or another quite a few times since it was started it seems, and I can't recall any getting to charge or trial for the simple reason that none of them, as described, were rapes as we would imagine the term to be!

We usually advise the recipient of the accusation not to report this to the police as they are then obliged to commence an investigation, but obviously this advice is too late for you.

This investigation will involve interviewing your ex and then you; as she didn't want to get the police involved she may not provide any statement in her interview for an investigation to proceed any further, but you know her better than us in this respect.

What happens at work is another matter entirely, undoubtedly management will err on the safe side so I fear it will not end well for you, but I have no knowledge of work grievances or procedures, are you in a union whose solicitor might be able to advise?

Your solicitor provided good advice in all you can do at this stage is wait, easier said than done I know!

In the meantime you could search out and read similar threads on the forum and have a look at this link for general advice:

http://www.daftmoo.org.uk/mooforum/s...at-happens-now

[Notinmywildestnightmares]

Thanks for the reply.

We are now two weeks on and all has gone quiet.

Work has dropped their internal investigation.
My ex has returned to being her own self - alas mostly grumpy despite having everything at her feet.
The rest of my work colleges fall into two very distinct camps. Either they want nothing to do with me (and won’t even say good morning) or they have serious doubts over the accusations or just know they are untrue.
Those who fall into the latter camp have either asked me about it or spoken to both of us independently which probably tells you all you need to know.

I still have my doubts if she really has been to the police. - how long would it normally be from the complaint going in to being contacted for a interview?

Thanks.

[Franticwithworry]

I'm glad to hear that the work investigation is done but sorry to learn that some people are blanking you. Their loss, huh?

I'm afraid 2 weeks isn't long enough to be sure that your ex hasn't gone to the police, but honestly, you have better things to do than worry about that and if you possibly can put it all to the back of your mind. Some bridges you can only cross when you get to them and you may never come across this bridge at all. As time goes on it's more than likely that she hasn't been to the police, so please do your best to just get on with your normal life. With luck you'll look back in a few months and realise that not only did it all come to nothing but that you haven't thought about it in weeks.

[soulbug]

I would suggest, not talking about it to work colleagues, unless they ask how things are going.

Don't get cocky or say anything to work colleagues that might get back to your ex.

Just let sleeping dogs lie....don't add any fuel to the fire.

Put it to the back of your mind.

[Notinmywildestnightmares]

Things had been returning to some form of normal however...
Well I’m afraid to report the accusation has once again reared it’s head.
Today she wanted a chat to which I agreed. We covered a lot of old ground but the one thing she did say was she had indeed gone to the police (I didn’t ask he at all about it) and they have said if she wants to press charges she can go back.
This has put the fear of god back into me, my mind is once again racing. How can I go on knowing at any moment of her choosing she could pull the trigger on such a lie.
Back once again awaiting that knock at the door.
Once again I am a swirl of emotions, angry, scared frightened. I could cry and I’m a big old fella but I just want to curl in a ball and not wale up.

[Franticwithworry]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Two things to say though - a 'chat' with a false accuser is never wise and it opens up all sorts of possibilities that you don't want. Do keep your distance in future if you can.

Secondly - she may well have been told that she can go back to the police if she wants but they tell everyone that. It's not up to her to 'press charges'. Only if there is more 'evidence' will they take things up again, hence the advice to steer clear and make note of any contact from her. If they thought there was enough 'evidence' they'd have talked to you by now. She sounds as if she is very controlling and enjoying the power she has over you right now. Don't give her any more. It's understandable that all you want to do right now is curl up in a ball and sleep forever, but that's because she is doing a good job of frightening you.

Please, don't be fearful. Be proactive and as I say, document any contact you have from her, don't engage with her and remember she does not have the power she wants you to think she has.

[Notinmywildestnightmares]

Franticwithworry - thanks for the reply I have read and re-read it several times a each time I feel a
little better.
I must just say the initial chat was based on work rather than personal but then she brought in personal stuff at which point I know I should have shut her down but wanted to clear a few things up with her.
I drove across town a hour later and just felt the tears rolling down my face - with no idea why.
I’m going away soon so I’m hoping this break will do me plenty of good and am focusing on that for now, whilst planning my future with opportunities that may bring.

[Franticwithworry]

Bless you, Notinmywildestnightmares. I'm glad you feel a little better.

My man is also 'just a big old fella who wants to just wants to curl up in a ball and not wake up', so rest assured that you're not alone in this awful situation. I hope the tears were cathartic too and that you feel even better after your break. It sounds as though you could really use one.

[Notinmywildestnightmares]

Just thought I’d ping in a little update.

The ex and I have had a few conversations now. All positive, all very surprising and all initiated by her. I am being VERY cautious as you might expect but there is a certain element of normal.

In other news I went to the doctor who has diagnosed me with serious depression and has started me on some pills.
Currently these are working there way in the system and I’m feeling properly ropey. But friends who have also been on them say you’ll get through this stage and things get worse before they get better.
I sure hope so....

[Franticwithworry]

Please, please, please continue to be VERY cautious if you are going to continue with this. It's not unknown for a false accuser to make a second or ever third accusation.

And I don't want to rain on your parade, but severe depression and its treatment, even not-so-severe depression can impair your decision-making ability at least while your body adjusts to get past the 'feeling properly ropey' stage. As I say, please proceed with caution. I wish you well.

[Pond31]

Franticwithworry is correct my FA has me in court for harassment next week because she didn't like to be challenged about her false claims and the fact that she perverted the course of justice. Your ex can turn around and claim the calls or contacts from you are harassing and you don't even have to have challenged her at all. As the law stands two unwanted contacts in a six month period even just saying "hello" to someone is harassment. So your ex could mis-represent anything you say to her.

So be very careful.

Pond31