Ex accused and due to answer bail this week, advice??

[Lilyput]

Very, very selfish to expect you to pick up the pieces after his treatment of you feel hugely sorry for this child. I think people who have messed up lives sometimes attract each other and that lead to things like false allegations of rape and false allegations of abuse etc.

[Cruel world]

Spot on lil.

You have helped me see sense. He dropped this on me following a fairly horrible relationship which I was moving on from! He used his child as a crutch to convince me to stay friends and I missed them both so I was all too keen to accept but on the basis of he was dating he let me go because it wouldn't be fair on anyone involved. He knew full well I hoped for a future. His parting speech following our break up was 'I'm staying single till I sort my head out' he was on tinder a week later.

This allegation has hit me hard. I loved that child and I was silly and naive to think he meant it when he said he was working on his self!

I am certain he is not a rapist but a very nasty and messed up human being! I need to accept that and realise his child as much as I love her is not mine!

He trashed my confidence and pretty much found it entertaining. I can't abandon any support until I know he has a better support network, if he did anything stupid I would never forgive myself, but as soon as this is over I will absolutely never have anything to do with him again

I kinda feel I'm using this site as break up support!! Maybe I should join one of those forums! I don't want to take away the reality of other people's situations by giving airspace to him! I seem to be finding this allegation much harder than him!

He needs to wake up

[Cruel world]

Real rough day today! Feeling so lousy. I made the catastrophic mistake of reaching out to him because I was struggling, got the usual uninterested one word replies and it ended with him saying he finds me selfish and to leave it. At least I got a straight forward reply rather than him picking me up when he feels low and ignoring me thereafter.

Don't know why I am finding this so hard! Bail date up next week. Hope there is an end in sight and we can both get on with our own lives! Messaging him for any support just leaves me in tears, an emotional wreck! Talk about picking the scab!!! Think I am gonna go for some counselling. My confidence is shot to bits and I'm still too reliant on him to make me feel better when he has made it abundantly clear he no longer wants me, my help or cares about me or how I might be struggling with it all!

I am feeling bad now, maybe I was selfish. I meant it well and it seems to end up creating more harm than good

[wakingnightmare]

Real rough day today! Feeling so lousy. I made the catastrophic mistake of reaching out to him because I was struggling, got the usual uninterested one word replies and it ended with him saying he finds me selfish and to leave it. At least I got a straight forward reply rather than him picking me up when he feels low and ignoring me thereafter.

Don't know why I am finding this so hard! Bail date up next week. Hope there is an end in sight and we can both get on with our own lives! Messaging him for any support just leaves me in tears, an emotional wreck! Talk about picking the scab!!! Think I am gonna go for some counselling. My confidence is shot to bits and I'm still too reliant on him to make me feel better when he has made it abundantly clear he no longer wants me, my help or cares about me or how I might be struggling with it all!

I am feeling bad now, maybe I was selfish. I meant it well and it seems to end up creating more harm than good

You've not been selfish what you've been is a kind decent person who has expected to be treated in the same way you would treat him - that ain't going to happen.

Whatever this bloke is going through he sounds like he was an a*** beforehand and even with what should be a wake up call shows no signs of changing.

You've made the mistake that 1000s before you have made and 1000s after will make of loving the wrong man. He just isn't worth it sweetheart. Counselling sounds like an excellent idea.

I'm pushed for time but I'll be back later. Chin up you sound like a really sensible kind hearted good person you'll get over him x

[Cruel world]

Thanks :-(

Being called selfish was a hard hit. I do make requests for him to update me or try to show a little bit more thought towards me but he pays no attention. Just ignores me and sends a random message on odd occasions. There is absolutely no talking to him, it just ends up an exhausting frustrating lengthy battle! All I ever want are straight answers and he is a nightmare! He will tell me he wants me to stay around and then ignore me totally when I do touch base! it's made me feel like a complete nutter and I question myself constantly! I have never ever felt so soul destroyed and worthless! Being so disposable after having a revelation like this dropped on you is horrible! Starting to understand dysfunctional relationships, I have never needed to rely on anyone for emotional support and here I am reliant on someone who is the absolute cause of all of my problems!!!

Crazy!!! Parting message was to apologise if he felt I was selfish, wish him happiness and asked he updates me

[Franticwithworry]

Real rough day today! Feeling so lousy. I made the catastrophic mistake of reaching out to him because I was struggling, got the usual uninterested one word replies and it ended with him saying he finds me selfish and to leave it. At least I got a straight forward reply rather than him picking me up when he feels low and ignoring me thereafter.

Don't know why I am finding this so hard! Bail date up next week. Hope there is an end in sight and we can both get on with our own lives! Messaging him for any support just leaves me in tears, an emotional wreck! Talk about picking the scab!!! Think I am gonna go for some counselling. My confidence is shot to bits and I'm still too reliant on him to make me feel better when he has made it abundantly clear he no longer wants me, my help or cares about me or how I might be struggling with it all!

I am feeling bad now, maybe I was selfish. I meant it well and it seems to end up creating more harm than good

You selfish? He's got that upside down! I've been lurking here and following your story but I can't keep quiet a moment longer.

He's saying that because he doesn't want to take any responsibility for the situation that either of you are in - the mess that he's created or the difficulty you are having with it because of his poor treatment of you. Talk about passing the buck!! You're right that he couldn't be making his message more clear and he does not want your help and won't offer any to you. Harsh as it sounds, he couldn't say more clearly that he doesn't care about you one iota.

You weren't selfish at all - you did what you did out of live and concern for him, but he's throwing it back in your face. Counselling would be a very good idea. You need and deserve support. He is the one doing more harm than good, so please look for support elsewhere. You won't get it from him and he doesn't want or deserve yours.

[Cruel world]

Yeah cheers. I can cope with the rejection I am not worried about a bruised ego, being called selfish when he has done a fine job of keeping me on pause since we broke up and THEN dropping his problems on me is a low blow. An you know he really really genuinely absolutely whole heartedly does not give one small jot. Absolutely doesn't care. To the point it's actually pretty hurtful he can even think to accuse me of being selfish and genuinely believe it. Ouch!

The types of girls he seems to like are the ones he can chase and play porn games with, guess I will be better off! Each to their own! I know I have taken the accusation slightly harder than is normal-I am gonna work on that because clearly I have some issues of my own to deal with, his problems shouldn't concern me so much-but he seems to think telling someone all of that detail after I already asked not to be involved in his dating life is ok and basically I am selfish for not thinking about the hell he is going through. He has no concern for how it has hit me and seems to think I'm selfish for even letting it affect me. God knows how he will manage when he has to tell his parents. They will be devastated!!!! Hope he doesn't call them selfish!

[Rights Fighter]

I think you know what the answer is to this problem. Trouble is, I think you don't want to part company and leave it completely behind in case he thinks badly of you. He already does judging by his behaviour.

You are worth so much more and deserve so much better.

Find somebdoy who is WORTHY of YOU!!

[Cruel world]

Know what I think it is??? When we split I accepted his cheating and excuse that he was 'messed up' I left him alone an I didn't really get angry. In fact on the night I found out i was quite worried about him so I went round to check he was ok.... He had another girl there who was 'a friend supporting him' just so happened they met on tinder during one of his many weekends where he would dump me on Friday an be back on Monday, what was I thinking!!!!!

I think the problem is I have always just let it go. Everytime he has managed to worm his way around me I have been fairly flippant and let him do his own thing. Now I am angry! That for me is scary, I don't like being mad it's not a good feeling! Anyway I have written epic messages on my thoughts, feelings, how callous I think he has been, how angry and hurt its made me feel and how I find him quite narcissistic and lacking any empathy, I have gone through everything that he has put me through, following the spilt he spent 3 days hounding me with messages asking who I was sleeping with, all the while he was sleeping around!!! So I have basically ranted and got everything I can off my chest. I tried to be less aggressive than I felt because he really is going through hell! But so am I, and he is the cause!!!

I'm not sure if I feel better but it was a time for closure. I still wished him well. Ha ha he will think again before messaging again. Now I need to work out how to get over narcissistic people, never been used or let down like this before so it's left me a bit vulnerable! Don't want to carry that baggage forward

[Lilyput]

I just wanted to say please think long and hard if this person deserves your support. It isn't easy to support somebody going through an FA, to know the world if they knew about it would see you as a rapist sympathizer. To obsess over something you have absolutely no control over nor any clues what's going to happen.

To watch your hopes dreams, hobbies, interests go out the window. To watch the person you were fade, as a week is no long an opportunity to see friends, have some nice experience and do something new, it's another week of knowing nothing.

Seven months in I can tell you all this is insanely hard and that's for someone who's nice to me. Somedays it only takes a dirty dinner plate left or shoes on the floor to think I'm really struggling because of your FA, why am I here? I think your amazing, I really wouldn't have it in me to stand by someone so rude and disrespectful.


If you think you can break away in a nice way I really would, this is no way to live especially for someone who doesn't appreciate it.

[Cruel world]

He doesn't want my help anymore. I mentioned earlier we never had a conversation about our break up. I just left it. I didn't get any closure he just ripped my heart out with the cheating and lies and I left him to it, he was the one who wanted a friendship and at first I didn't want to know! He used his daughter as a way of getting around it and I fell for it being the idiot I am. All the while he was still screwing around! Then he dropped this allegation on me and at first i was 100% supportive, then my own emotions started to creep on and I started getting really confused and asking questions from time to time, he started to ignore me or reply with short one liners so I told him I really cared for him but I was struggling with this and it was best for me to hang back and not be in his face. I left him alone for a few weeks and then touched base to see how he was, he made some twisted comment about sex.

I just feel sick to my stomach! I don't know what to believe anymore. I poired my heart out yesterday and I asked if at some point he could think back to everything he has put me through and offer some kind of explanation, and maybe reconsider his 'selfish' comment. He ignored me completely.

How can anyone be so cruel and callous! I know he is going through the worst time in his life but he dragged me into it all an now I surplus to requirements that's it I'm out! No apology, not the slightest sense of remorse for any of it.

I'm frightened because I keep thinking back to things he did and said when we were together and I'm starting to question his innocence in all of this, then I hate myself for thinking that. I just don't know and he is being so cold it's brutal.

He had a bit of a twisted passion for violent porn and told me he wanted to re-enact it. At the time I put it done to him being a stupid fantasist but I suddenly remembered once he muttered I would love to see you raped. Now I am thinking could that girl have actually changed her mind, would he have stopped if she did, and honestly I don't know anymore! He has proved hiself to be cold and calculated and he doesn't seem to consider anyone's feelings.

I literally begged for an honest explanation and told him I wasn't angry I just wanted to clear up this confusion and understand why one moment he was hinting at a future between us after this, and then blanking me altogether! anyway all totally ignored, wouldn't even spend a phone call putting my mind at rest he thinks I'm selfish and that's that.

No other option but for me to leave him alone and try to get over it myself. I'm not fussed about the break up but I've taken this allegation really hard! We both have children, I hoped for a future with him and now I'm questioning what I actually knew about this person and if he could do something so awful! The only person who can reassure me is totally ignoring me!

I told him I never wanted to drain him for support, I only wanted him to maybe touch base from time to time, maybe ask if I am ok.... I was never asking for daily messages about war and peace and calls or promises for the future!

[Lilyput]

That really is just cold. You are a hundred percent better off without. I don't know why some guys are like this I dated a guy in the last years of school, who was like this :/ convinced myself for years even though it ended his feelings had been real. A couple a years ago we started talking and he ended up trying to sleep with my sister.

I think it's normal to go every part of your relationship to make sure you aren't supporting a rapist. I remember deliberately stopping during sex when my OH was first accused just to double check I feel awful about it now. However it's not normal for a man to say I'd love to see you raped. I guess only those two will ever know what went on as there are no witnesses. It's for the police CPS and the courts now. I hope you do eventually find closure <3

[Cruel world]

Cheers, it's making me feel like a lunatic!!! really confused. I thought when he wanted to be friends and when he wanted support with this it was a given that I would on occasions get some small amount of support back! Not called selfish and totally blanked. Feeling anxious. Need to calm down and just leave it

[wakingnightmare]

To be blunt it doesn't matter whether he's guilty or not. Whether he is guilty or innocent he isn't worthy of your support.

Your relationship was finished, for some reason he chose to dump all this on your doorstep then wander off to carry on behaving exactly as before. Perhaps this is his way of coping with what for those accused & supporting them on here a horrendous ordeal. Being a decent person you've worried for him and feel duty bound to help him. You can't help a person who doesn't want help. I get that you've invested emotionally in this bloke but stop now. Delete his number move on with your life.

You mentioned you've children so I assumed you've been burnt before- you got over that you will again.
Invest the time and energy you've spent on this lowlife in your child/children.

Call your GP and ask them to refer you for counselling or better still use the money you suggested lending to him for legal advice on some private sessions (much quicker) enrol on a meditation course.

Whatever you do stop allowing this man to occupy any more of your headspace. Trust me there's dozens of people reading this and agreeing we're not all wrong x

[Cruel world]

Yeah it's best for us both if I do that.... I did hear back. At first it was to say he has nothing to say to me. So I said that's not really fair! He eventually told me that he finds my messages too intense and most of his friends who he has confided in leave him alone and he goes to them when he needs.

I can't argue with that! I wish he would have made things clearer and it would have saved me the confusion and him the in depth messages! Idiot!