Coping after a false accusation

[Izzy]

Wondered how other people cope, been a few weeks now since my Son was falsley accused after a one night stand.
I've spent nearly all my time on here reading everyone elses threads (find it hard to post for some reason, sorry about that )and can't imagine this going on for months or even longer! How do you all get through it?
Any advice on how to get through this would be appreciated.
Should add I stay in a very small place and as you can imagine the rumour mill is rife.

Izzy x

[NOHOPE]

my hubby was also falsely accused back in sept 11 he has been to mag court and due in crown court for case plea and mana hearing but the actual trial is not till august.
how do you cope is the million dollar question, for me i cry, scream, laugh.
i try to think of ways i can get evidence or ways to get revenge (ha i know i cant but its great thinking of things i can do )
the best advice is to try as much as you can to get on with your life and the bad days you get then hay ho cry if you want. tell as many people as you can there support will be immense for you.
chin up xx

[Mumsinastate]

Take each day as it comes you will have bad days when all you do is cry but I come on hear and I know it's not all good news on hear but I don't feel alone on hear but if I fall apart who will look out for my son xx keep your chin up big hugs xx

[fighter]

Izzy, we coped because we have no choice . I told my partner being strong is the hardest thing and the easiest thing is giving up or do something to do accuser! Of course easiest thing is not the smartest of moves!

Yes as everybody says, keep busy and try to achieve a normal life day by day. Launch a new project, spend more time with each other and enjoy simple things in life.

Last summer, my partner and I did the garden and would have our tea sitting on the swing and watch the birds around us. If not, we go to the beach every afternoon and take pictures of the sunset.

How is your son coping by the way? is he busy with something?

[123]

esigned to How to cope !!!

Dont be a defeated.

I did not have the ordeal of the rumour mill, the only people that knew were the ones that I told and I did 23 people to include friends and family. Talking things through with them helped.

As easy as it is to shut your self away - dont !!! keep working, go to the gym, visit friends and family, invite them to yours -

I took up Salsa Dancing and Kick Boxing within a week - its hard but you gotta get up and get out.

I have always been a drinker so I drank every night, thats helps you to sleep.

In the evenings I would sit at my PC and study the subject of rape, the cps website has a lot on information there to help you understand what is what, The police obligations, Evidence requirements, Admissable evidence etc etc. Look up police procedures. Solicitors that specialise in these cases have a lot of info on their websites, google false accusers, this site alone will keep you busy. I reccomend you read the cps stuff first to get a good understanding of the law on thiis.

I am lucky enough to have a friend that is a criminal barrister, my daughter is a 3rd year law student a close friend is a senior nurse that worked in a Rape Centre, taking smples, examinations and held victims hands as they gave statements. Another friend works in the Probation Service and a Cousin that is Family Law Barrister.

I sat and wrote out to the best of my memory my complete interview, every question they asked and every answer I gave. In interview I asked what she had said different to me so I had the benefit of that. In the Video taped interview I asked them to fingerprint cups, mugs and my dining table and led them to other rooms in the house that would have her prints and DNA.

Then I set about looking at the complete interview to establish inconsistencies in her story and in my story and the many ways that she could explain them. How would I explain mine, are these explanations "reasonable"

If it went to court what questions would I be asked, the 101 ways they could trip me up. I wrote out all the questions I needed answers to, why did they ask me that, why did they do that etc etc

By the time I got to this forum I had a 9 page MS Word document !!! I had already asked my 20 friends and family all these questions yet asked them again to get the opinions of 100 more.

For example, if you look at my post I asked the question "Why after the Interview would the police come to my cell and want to take photos of my back and hands - no other part of my body" I already knew the answer, 20 people had confirmed but I still asked to get another 100 opinions. I got a reply saying "the back is often marked when a victim tries to fight you off" YES very likely but not in this case. I had sex with this girl a few weeks prior and when I got up and went to the loo she said "Oh, Ive scratched your back, they are quite deep" Later when the police asked her how she struggled - it has to follow that she remembered that but did not imagine that my back was clear now and stuffed her.

So you see - get it all documented - question her version and question your version. Question the police actions and questions - why did they ask that why did they not ask that. Did you tell them something that they may not have followed up?

Then finally get on this forum and ask questions

I hpe that helps you and your son but he will have to work with you and be honest with YOU.

Dont think that this is easy for me to say now that I am in the clear - It is sound advice

Another thing is that if this went to trial I had done a large part of the barristers work for him and this would also ensure he did not miss a thing.

I put together questions designed to undermine her version and get her to lie and get caught doing so.

My document relates only to me otherwise I would give it to you - it wont hep you.

Your son needs to do all this or help you to do it for him.

Dont rely on Solicitors and Barristers - Educate yourself - Put your case together then give it to them - EVERY SNIPPET IS VITAL

I wish you well

[Casehardened]

123,

What an excellent reply and guide for anyone in the same situation....Knowledge is Power.

Actually you've also just answered your question on your own thread

[Saffron]

Ditto what Casehardened said. Thanks.

[123]

I dont wish to dwell on this but the fact speak for themselves - NFA in 23 days

[gem]

well said 123
unfortunately i never put my detective work into action until after my son got the GUILTY verdict.i trusted the the legal profession to help him .. wish i had found this forum first, i would have had the best advice anyone could get.
but to outline what 123 has said, arm yourself with any bit of knowledge you can get
i never realized what one person can come up with since his verdict. i have done research on weather reports, Facebook, friends of friends. visited countless would be witnesses. anything relating to her statement i have researched and i am amazed at what i have come up with. we are now going for appeal.i won,t go into detail but my new solicitor is very confident.
izzy. it is this that has kept me going through this nightmare.every night i am on my laptop scouring for info.anything that will help him. i wish i could wave a magic wand and take away your pain. but keep strong for your son he needs your support. it is heartbreaking to see their pain but this makes me more determined to fight for his innocence.i have actually passed my son,s accuser on the street. i won.t tell you what i want to do to her.

[Izzy]

my hubby was also falsely accused back in sept 11 he has been to mag court and due in crown court for case plea and mana hearing but the actual trial is not till august.
how do you cope is the million dollar question, for me i cry, scream, laugh.
i try to think of ways i can get evidence or ways to get revenge (ha i know i cant but its great thinking of things i can do )
the best advice is to try as much as you can to get on with your life and the bad days you get then hay ho cry if you want. tell as many people as you can there support will be immense for you.
chin up xx

I'm so sorry NOHOPE. It is the million dollar question, isn't it? I need to get going with life, finding it hard to get going. Need to stop dwelling.
I'm a really private person but am going to take your advice and try & tell people what has happened, I'm such a bubbler though, I annoy myself.
Am in awe on how strong you and the people on here have been.
Thanks for the support & I wish you well.

Mumsinastate - Thank you for letting me know that having these crying days aren't me being weak, big hugs to you too x

fighter - It's true, there is no choice. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, if I had one. Son is struggling with it all to be honest, I need to be a bit stronger for him, thats why I posted to find out how other members coped. I've got a new camera I've yet to use, you've given me an idea for my new project. Thank you.

123 - I'm so glad for you that your nightmare is over and thanks for your advice.
I'm in Scotland and struggle slightly between the Scotland/England law difference.
I'm to wary to put details up for others opinion as it is a public forum. I might to down the line depending on what happens.
I have done nothing but research this for the last few weeks but I think I maybe need to step back from the computer now and try and get out of limbo.
I have been meaning to get back to the gym so maybe now is a good time to start.

Thanks for your post x

Gem - Your post made me cry, I wish I could wave my magic wand and take all this away from you too. I will stay strong and feel a bit ashamed to be be asking for help after reading what you have been through. Thank you.

Saffron and Casehardened, thank you.

Izzy

[kazzarat]

Hello

Hi Izzy,

Im sorry you have had to find yourself here and i hate to think what you are going through right now, i dont know if you have read any of my posts but we have just come to the end of 18 months of the worst nightmare of our lives, my son too had a one night stand with the same outcome !!!!!!
We have just had his trial and he was found NOT GUILTY unanimous decision by all 12 jurors. Im not going to lie to you it has been the hardest thing we have ever had to go through and as a fellow mum i know how your heart is hurting right now.
Please read my posts and take some comfort from our outcome i am always here and will help you in any way i can, im not a legal expert but we have been through it and i can help with how your feeling and try to reassure you. Take care and please stay strong xxxx

[Izzy]

Thanks kazzarat,

I have read your posts and was so happy for your outcome but sad that you have all been through such a nightmare for such a long time.

I'm not particularly proud of how I've coped the last few weeks looking back, I fell to pieces, suspect it was the shock of the whole thing and how quickly things went so out of my control. I've been a bit better the last few days but it it's always there gnawing away but I guess thats normal.

I don't know if it's a knee jerk reaction but I can't imagine ever being happy living here anymore, it's a shame as we bought this house to grow old in, maybe I'll feel different as time passes.

Take care,

Izzy

[fighter]

fighter - It's true, there is no choice. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, if I had one. Son is struggling with it all to be honest, I need to be a bit stronger for him, thats why I posted to find out how other members coped. I've got a new camera I've yet to use, you've given me an idea for my new project. Thank you.

the state I am in today izzy. I am on the brink of wishing this situation to the husband of the accuser. Let us see how she copes if the same thing happened to her husband. I am so bitter these past few days; so try to avoid the forum.

You are right you need to be stronger for your son; but be prepared there are days that being strong is harder and dont beat yourself for it. :-) Good luck with your new project!

[kazzarat]

Keep strong

There is nothing wrong with feeling like your not coping Izzy as there were times when i felt like i wanted to end it all and that is definately not me !!!
It wont go away and will always be there but you will learn to deal with that. The rumours will die down and believe me things will get better, how is your son ???
I am finding it hard at the moment to get to grips with that nagging feeling not being there it has been there for so long im not used to living without it.
Remember your only human and you cant cope all the time your not a super hero. I wish i could take this away for you because i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.
Try to carry on as normal as you can and if you need to cry just cry, a good support network is essential and like i said before feel free to message me whenever you need too, it gave me a lot of comfort coming on here and the support it gave me was invaluable. Bear it in mind and please take care thinking about you kazzarat xx

[Denise]

similar situation

Wondered how other people cope, been a few weeks now since my Son was falsley accused after a one night stand.
I've spent nearly all my time on here reading everyone elses threads (find it hard to post for some reason, sorry about that )and can't imagine this going on for months or even longer! How do you all get through it?
Any advice on how to get through this would be appreciated.
Should add I stay in a very small place and as you can imagine the rumour mill is rife.

Izzy x

Izzy, yours was the first post I read when I joined the forum last night, we've been told we will hear by tomorrow if my son will be charged or not. Im guessing it won't be tomorrow and when we do hear, it will be to say they are charging him. I've felt desperate, sick, worried, angry, shocked, you name it , I've felt it since end of September last year. I have good days and bad days, good days I think of other things in life, my grandchildren, or plans I would like to make. On bad days, I can't see a way out, and the thought of my son being taken away, and alone, absolutely guts me. The last few days I've felt so angry.

We're both mums of sons that need us badly right now. I don't cry in front of my son, he knows whatever the outcome I will always stand by him. I know he is innocent and I will do my utmost to clear his name.

I really hope you and your son will be ok, much love xxx