I found a text on my mobile

[Archee]

I damaged my phone the other day and my wife who has upgraded her's gave me her old one to use, I changed the sim card inside.
Anyway, yesterday I was trying to retrieve a message I sent on Saturday, when I discovered the phone had retained 50 sent message from my wife, the first one stated she had kissed and been turned on by this guy and wanted to meet him again.

I confronted her with this. Where initially she wanted to talk, but since contacting, in panic, her female mates she then said it couldn't have been her some other person with the same name must have picked her phone up and sent the message. This morning in the cold light of day her guilty conscience kicked in and admitted she did send this text, but was drunk at the time and the kiss meant nothing and it was ages ago.

We have been married nearly 8 years we have to gorgeous boys, and there is an 8 year gap between us in ages, because of that I always regarded her need to get out with her friends as a healthy way of keeping our marriage alive, I like pubs she likes clubbing.

We do love each other and I am absolutely gutted, I feel as though someone has just died who was very close to me, and some may say I am overreacting.

Because we are not good communicators when we are stressed at each other, I have written her a letter relaying all my thoughts and anguish over this issue, and asking her to be totally honest with me and to tell me if there is anything else she should tell me to wipe the slate clean. I have taken my wedding band off, as I can't wear it as it has been tarnished, I have offered her the opportunity in the letter to buy me a new one for Christmas, giving us 2 months to really look at our marriage and whether we wish to go on.

By the way she went out with her girlfriends last Sauturday and did not return home until 6am. I know I am being over dramatic maybe, but I am being driven by gut instinct. I do not want our marriage to end like this, is there anything anyone can advise on what to do next?

[diana_holbourn]

It's understandable that you should feel very upset. Hopefully, she'll start being honest with you so you know where you really stand.

It sounds as if you're doing a good thing by letting her know all about your feelings, because it may be that when she realises what impact her behaviour will have on you, she'll have a serious think about it. Perhaps you could talk through with her everything she'd lose if she left you or you felt you had to leave and how it would affect the children. Also, it may help if you ask her if there's anything about the marriage that she's unsatisfied with and what she'd like you both to do together to improve things, whether it be going out more together and developing more shared interests, or what.

[Archee]

Diana thank you for responding, at times like this it can be a lonely world.

Since letting her know my feelings she has not responded, will not talk, it is as though she thinks the less said soonest mended.

Unfortunately my active imagination in the meantime has been working overtime, 2 years ago when she went on a girlie weekend break with her best friend, she returned throwing herself at me for sex, a very short time after she fell pregnant, I now have doubts as to whether this child is now mine. Her actions this weekend mirrored those, she goes out with friends stays out until 6am and then returns and throws herself at me, guilty conscience kicking in, or covering her tracks in the event her actions might cause another pregnancy.

You can probably understand therefore why I not only feel very angry, but humiliation joins in along with it.

Her silence in my mind compounds the lies and all I want now is for her to go with the baby, and leave me and my older son alone.

It is amazing how one text message has created in such a short time so much devastation, but if it was not discovered I feel she would simply have continued.

I am now seriously considering a paternity test and divorce.

[diana_holbourn]

I sympathise, and I can understand you wanting a paternity test.

Does she know you're thinking of leaving her? If she seriously thinks you might, it might finally persuade her to face the issues. Or maybe she'll be more willing to talk after a couple of days' reflection on what you've said about your feelings.

I think you ought to try to think through all the potential consequences of leaving before deciding to. Children can be badly affected by break-ups like that. But the effects can be a lot worse on them if each partner says nasty things about the other in front of them. The effects won't be so bad if you can both assure the children, or oldest child at least, that you still love him, and that your break-up isn't anything to do with him. Children can worry about that. And it won't be nearly so bad for him if you and your wife both firmly agree never to say nasty things about each other in front of them.

Have you read all the other text messages that were there? They might clarify things more.

[Archee]

Hi Diana

We have just had a sit down and a heart-to-heart about the whole situation, I am happy now that a paternity test is not needed.

I explained all my concerns and she has reassured me that the original text was a complete one off and the guy who also was married wanted to take it further but she refused to. I believe her.

I spoke to her about our marriage and how we must try and work at it to make it stronger, but she really can't in her heart get out of her head that she likes the taste of being single, she thinks when going out and dressing up-to-the-nines, she does it for herself not for other men, I tried to explain that the men won't see it like that.

She is not happy, and wants to stay married only because of the kids and carry on going out the way she always had, in other words go back to the way things were before I discovered the text. I stated next time when she is drunk how do I know she won't go further, and why should I accept that she is putting herself in that position in the first place. Would she like it if I did the same to her, she said 'no' to that.

I made it clear she and I have to work at this marriage, and showing people we are married, not pretending we are single when it suits, but she does not like this. I finished by saying that I want it to work for us and the kids, she is the one now who needs to do some sole searching and come to the same conclusion. I left it there as I sensed the tension, particularly on my side rising, and I did not want to turn it into a slanging match.

I know I have pushed her now into a corner where she has to choose between being married and committed to it or go our seperate ways. I want the marriage to work.

Now thinking about it I am scared I will go home and find she wants it to end!

I could now do something like text her to say I love her, or send her some flowers, but I feel this might be like forcing her to make a decision that suits me. Any suggestions.....

[diana_holbourn]

It may be that the costs of leaving you would be a lot higher for her than the costs of staying. After all, you may make a convenient babysitter when she wants to go out, and she'd have to find someone else if she left you. She'd have to take that kind of thing into consideration before going.

Can you think of any interests you both have in common, or anything you might be able to interest her in, anywhere you may be able to go at weekends together, or any friends whose company you both enjoy who you could sometimes invite around? You may be able to find out what groups meet in your local area by looking in the Yellow Pages under clubs or associations. If you don't say any more to her about her behaviour that you don't like, but try to interest her in other things, and behave as if you're really pleased every time she does come out with you, it may be that she gets weaned off what you don't like, and you both end up enjoying yourselves doing a wider variety of things, things you go to together if possible.

[Fantazmic]

Dear Archee

What a roller coaster of emotions you must have been through after finding that text message. You must have felt as though you whole world had collapsed. So far your descriptions of what you have done in the face of such a devestating event in your marriage have shown great clear thinking on your part.

In these situations it is easy to get caught up in what has immediately happened as the cause of the problems rather than focussing on the bigger picture. An immediate solution would be to ask your wife not to go to nightclubs any more. However does this solve the larger problem.

What i hear you saying in your emails is that there has been a loss of the trust you had in your wife. So really whether your wife is at a nighclub or anywhere else there is going to be an issue as to what you feel she may be up to without you around. For example your fears about the girlie weekend your wife went away on.

I would say that what you need to work on between you is strategys to improve the trust you have between you. You need to work out in your own mind what you need from your wife in order to give you a feeling that you can trust her. For example you mention your dismay that she went out and didnt come home till 6am. Obviously this is something that causes you to feel distrustful.

if you say to your wife that she cannot go out to nightclubs anymore then that may solve part of the problem in that nightclubs are a place where temptation is prevalent. However you need to then think about whether it is the going to nightclubs that is the problem or whether it is the behaviour around attending the nightclub that is the issue. the reason i say this is you may ask your wife not to attend nightclubs anymore but then the behaviour that you find unsettling now that you have had the revelation of what your wife may be up to while she is out may repeat itself around other outings. It is also important to remember that if a person is going to be unfaithful it can occur in any location, and you cannot be with your wife 24/7

I would suggest you need to talk to your wife about the fact that she has been caught out and this has caused you to lose trust in her. I would then talk about the issues around her behaviour that now cause you not to have the trust in her you once had. Remember you are asking for a big change in her in that she has been married to you for 8 years and going out as a single person for all this time. Also if she is telling you the truth then in her mind she perhaps hasnt been unfaithful and so is perhaps not conscious of the aspects of her behaviour that cause you to be distrustful now that you have read the offending text messages.

I think you also need to express to your wife that you need to see a change in her behaviour to understand that she is sorry for what has happened and respects your feelings of betrayal. However in asking for changes you need to be really clear about what is is that upsets you.

I really agree with Diana in that working out things to do together will be a huge step forward in the pathway to healing your marriage as this will help to open up communication between you.

I would also suggest if you possibly can to go to some marrage guidance counselling. An independent yhird party is often perfect for both parties to get a better prespective on things

Regards

Fantazmic

[Archee]

First of all can I thank Dianna and Fantazmic for their supportive comments. I have found this forum very valuable in getting through this last week.

As an update, I must admit, I felt on Thursday I had put my wife into a very difficult position to choose. So I took the initiative and offered her, the next day out to the nearest large shopping centre, the kids were put in nursery and school for the whole day and we went out together. It turned out to be a lovely day that both of use really enjoyed. We were able to chat for nearly nine hours, with the distraction of shopping, lunch and a drink at the end. We were able to talk frankly and emit some emotion into the conversation. What did come out of it was a definite need to improve communication. My wife was going to people outside of the family unit to confide in rather than me, this pushed me away, and I suppose this caused the angst, and the open gate to stray.

I have asked her to talk to me more, and today she is going for some independent counselling which was pre-booked to last weeks events. I know this session is likely to be mainly about our marriage and I shall be keen to hear how she gets on.

We had a great weekend, a bonus as where normaly she would be working, her shift was cancelled yesterday so we were able to have a traditional Sunday Roast dinner round the table and appreciate the family unit.

I have asked her to find our babysitter again and look towards us both getting out socially over the next 2 weeks.

She is finding it hard however, that the single-mums she did go clubbing with are now making her the target of playground gossip, this in itself is making her realise how far she was straying from the marriage, and she now has her defences up to protect the family from this.

She has also now rekindled a friendship with another married mum, who is happy to go out her, and is also talking the same languiage as me but from a female married perspective which is I know needed.

Things are a lot easier now, our marriage has received a severe kick up the bum and both of us realise that we need to adjust our way of operating towards each other, fortunately the kids are totally oblivious to the events of last week and are unaffected.

I still can't wear my old wedding band (I am aware I am punishing her overtly through this) and she is keen to buy me a new one but maybe before Christmas now.

Thanks again for your support

[diana_holbourn]

I'm pleased things are going better for you now.

[IJRAVENHILL]

Archee/Diana,

I am in a similar situation and hope you are able to guide me so i get a positive result.

My wife and I have been married 4 years and have two young children.

I also have fallen victim to the scourge that is "texting". I have never caught my wife wife incriminating text mesaages as she automatically deletes any teext that is either sent to her or she sends, even from myself. I have received a number of texts over the last few months from her phone which i have not understood and have led me to feel the worst , so against all better judgement i watched her type her hotmail password one night (which she has recentley changed) and later looged in as her. This is a direct cut and paste of what i found

<span style="color:#FF6666">Really silly, I know but I hated not hearing from you, it&#39;s really daft and
I know your busy as I am, but do look forward to the odd text in the
evening. So sort your damd phone out man&#33;&#33;&#33;
Anyway, hope you had fun with the kids and didn&#39;t work too hard.
Had a lovely dream in the early hours of this morning, involving you, me
and a deserted swimming pool in a posh hotel.......

Let me know if you&#39;d like me to elaborate?

Love Ally xxxx </span>

and then i found
<span style="color:#FF0000">
I&#39;m going to the gym later, for a workout, vent a little frustration, then
I&#39;m having an indian head massage, I&#39;ll pay attention, then I can give you
&#39;one&#39; when we catch up&#33; You have promised now, so I shall keep annoying you.
Charlet want to go away again in january, she can book two rooms if your
interested, dinner bed and breakfast in a 4 star spa hotel for ?25/ night.
Reckon you couls manage that? I&#39;ll get her to bring someone to, so she can
go out, don&#39;t worry she wouldn&#39;t tell on me. In fact she keeps telling me to
see you&#33; Bad influence&#33; </span>

After i found this i confronted my wife. My wife says that she has not actually seen the man (an old university "friend") for 8 years and the only reson that she has been sending these e mails is that after having two children she feeld fat frumpy and unattractive, and the attention she receives from a man who knew her when she was 20, and frankly stunning, makes her feel loved and wanted. She says it is all make believe and that it is all an ego boost for her. Also I have, over the summer suffered from enormous stress and she says she is unable to talk to me because she does not want to add to my burden.

I love my wife and want to beleive her. I want to make my marraige work. I do everything I humanly can for her - I now work part time and take full responsibility for looking after both the children and the house - to make our time toghether enjoyable but just do not know if i can make it work. i give her all the affection I possible can but seem to be banging my head against a brick wall.

Any advice?

[diana_holbourn]

Even if she really is just having a cyber affair with the man, it&#39;s still technical unfaithfulness, so it isn&#39;t fair on you, and it wouldn&#39;t be fair of her to continue it. Does she know how you feel about that?

If she&#39;s unsatisfied with things as they are, have you asked her how she&#39;d like to improve them? If she feels unattractive, it could help if you talk with her about little things she could do to make herself feel better that would be fair to you as well as her, and ways of improving your relationship. Are there any things you used to enjoy doing together before the children came along that you gave up but which you could take up again sometimes? Or are there any new things you could think of to do together that you might enjoy? Once she starts thinking about what you could do together that you&#39;d both enjoy, she might get more enthusiastic about the relationship. It could be worth a try. You could maybe ask her what would be different if the marriage was going really well. That might spark off her imagination. Even if she comes up with things that are unrealistic, you might both be able to take gradual steps to work towards them as far as is practical. You could tell her that suggesting ways of changing things rather than telling you about her dissatisfaction would be a way to talk to you in a positive way so she won&#39;t feel she&#39;s adding to your burden, as long as her expectations about how things could improve are realistic and she isn&#39;t too demanding about the speed of change.

Also, does she feel fulfilled in life? If you look after everything, does she feel she&#39;s making a valuable contribution? Sometimes, people are dissatisfied because they haven&#39;t got enough responsibilities to make them feel worthwhile. Or they haven&#39;t got enough outlets for their creativity. You could discuss with her whether this could be the case if you think there&#39;s a possibility that it is, and talk with her about how things could change.