Married a year and it could already be over - Help!

[Beckwith]

My wife and I got married Sept 2004. Before that we had been together for four years and lived together for most of that time. From about the time we got engaged (July 2003) we started to plan our future together and talking about all of the things that you do when you plan to get married so we were both clear as to what we wanted out of our marriage and what we were getting ourselves into. We even attended a Pre-Marriage session that was offered by the church where we got married. One of the topics was where they made you discuss as a couple the different things that affect a marriage (like money, children, sex etc.) and the aim was that you both fully knew what you both wanted and there were no surprises when you eventually got married.

One of the things that we spoke about at length (probably from the time we got engaged) is children; we both agreed that it is something that we want. My wife is 24 and is currently studying some professional qualifications (which she will hopefully finish by August 2006). I am eight years older than her and because of the age difference my wife said she would prefer to be married a year and then try for a child. We get to Sept this year and she then says October all of which I had no problem with. At the beginning of October we started to try for a child. At the same time my wife was told by her company that if she passes her exams she will be promoted which of course means more money. My wife got her period a week a go and of course she was not pregnant. Ever since she has been told about her possible promotion, my wife has been acting strange, so much so I asked her if there was anything wrong on at least two occasions. Eventually she tells me that she was not disappointed that she was not pregnant and that she had decided that we should no longer try until her exams are over by August next year. Since I am that bit older than my wife she has known that I do not want to be an old dad but because of her age there was a compromise to wait for a year which is what she decided and we have now done.

We sat down last night to try and sort this out and I explained to her that I am shocked that we have talked about it for so long (including the church session) and yet she has changed her mind without speaking to me. I asked her to explain to me why she felt like this and she said she didn't know why and unfortunately at no time did she attempt to come up with suggestions or solutions that could effectively save our marriage. I asked her whether there was a chance that we could get to the end of the summer next year and she could change her mind. Eventually she could not commit to next August and more or less told me that she was not ready for children. It also seems that she went along with trying for a child at the beginning of October because she knew it was what I wanted and it would seem that reality hit home when she got her period and made her realise that she could no longer go through with it even for me. Again I asked her what had changed (because we had spoken about it so much) and in not so many words it was clear that she was waiting to get this job if she passed her exams. This is another problem because if she did not pass the exams next summer then she would have to re-sit them in December 2007, which she said she would. I told her what a serious situation this was and I could not believe she was not making any effort at all to try and resolve things. In the heat of the moment she finally said about trying for a family next October (which is exactly what she said about next August and after talking about it said she couldn't really commit to that either. October would mean she will be offered the job and if we were lucky to conceive shortly thereafter she would have a further 9 months in that new role. She clearly does not want to jeopardise the chance of getting this job even if it does mean going back on everything that we had previously agreed.

I cannot believe that despite all of the planning that we have done and agreeing to everything before we said 'I Do' she now has a completely different agenda to mine, which she has decided on her own without speaking to me. She does not appreciate that her decision also affects my life but this does not seem to concern her. Because of all this I no longer trust her because it is clear that my wife only does the things that suit her and nothing else. I have now accepted that there is nothing I can do if she does not want a child yet and I am now going to have to keep my fingers crossed that she keeps to her words for next October. I am concerned that she could again go back on her word and take the chance of us starting a family away from me again. Not only that I will also be another year older.

Unfortunately I feel that my wife's priority is to become a career woman because with what she has said to me and how she has acted towards me it is clear that her career is more important than our relationship. I love my wife dearly and I would move heaven and earth for her but I feel I need to start thinking in the same way she has with me in that this is my life and I am only on this planet once. I really do not know whether to trust her and give her what she wants or do something now whilst a child is not involved (who she could eventually blame for messing up her career .... and possibly even her life). I also do not know if I want to continue with someone who is clearly selfish and puts themselves first even when a marriage is involved. I am angry and confused and I really want things to go back to how they were but I really don't know if they ever will.

I don't know if anyone can give me any guidance or help. It would just be helpful to see what other people thought of my situation and what you would do if you were in my shoes. Many thanks!

[diana_holbourn]

How would you feel about arranging for yourself to be around children more? Or what about the idea of arranging some weekend activities for both of you around other people's children if she agrees and you can? It might give you a little of what you're missing, unless it would just remind you of what you don't have and upset you. It might also make her feel more like having children of her own. Or it might put you off them, so you're less keen on having them.

If she was planning to have children up until recently, why was she doing the professional qualification, when it would mean giving up her aspirations for a while after she had them? It might be worth asking her how much she really did want children all the times when she said she did, when she must have known before that it would mean putting her career on hold. Even if she hadn't been offered a good job then, she must have known she could probably get one she wanted with her qualifications.

[littlemoo]

Relate do a book - I think it's called baby shock. It discusses the issues that need to be considered when having a baby and includes somne case studies.

I think it might help you both to have a look at it and possibly discuss some of the issues in it.

and Diana's idea of doing some activities with other people's children, is also a good one. I had no real idea of what it would be like to have and look after a child until I made friends with someone who has one.

It might help you both to clarify your feelings about having children.

~Jo

[Saffron]

There is no reason why your wife shouldn't be able to combine a successful career with having a child. It is much harder work then simply having either the career or the family, and nowhere near as glamorous as many people think it is, but it is definitely possible.

Alternatively, if you want your child to have a stay at home parent, maybe you could consider taking on this role until your child starts school. It is an enormous sacrifice, but it may make your wife more receptive to the idea of children.

To be honest, i think it is usually very easy to come up ith a reason for not having a child - money, career, home, it can be anything. have you thought that your wife feels she is just too young? After all, she is only 24, and a child is a lifelong commitment which changes your life completely and forever. I fell pregnant with my first child at 28, and found the idea that I would be a parent absolutely terrifying. Additionally, the thought of being pregnant and giving birth frightened the life out of me - being a complete coward, I was scared stiff of the pain and trauma of labour. Your wife may simply be scared.

I know your wife said she wanted kids sooner rather than later, but faced with the reality of the prospect she may be thinking that she needs a little more time to enjoy life with you as her husband without the sacrifices and sleeplessness having a child brings. It changes your life, and in much more fundamental ways than a marriage does - especially if you lived with each other before the wedding - . You can't just go out. i remember sitting in the living room thinking "we need a pint of milk, but i can't just pop to the shop without my baby".

Don't get me wrong - kids enrich your life beyond anything. but I can totally understand why your wife would refuse to confirm such a massive commitment at what is a relatively young age.

However, I certainly think it would be worth mentioning the idea of being a househusband for your kid. It would mean that her career-based objections would be banished, and would give you a much clearer idea of what reallt lies behind her sudden change of heart.

good luck.

[Fantazmic]

Dear Neil

I read your post with interest. You must be feeling so confused with so many plans in place.

There is a really simple question that comes to mind when i read your post that should help you understand where you are at.

If you found out that your wife could not have children......(and for arguments sake adoption was not an option). Would you accept it ?

What you need to ask yourself is what is more imprtant....the relationship you have with your wife or having children within the time frame you have set yourself.

Also just out of interest psychologically many theorists contend that personality does not form fully until about the age of 25. So for you when you had the counselling you were in a position to have had lifes expereince and to have a settled sense of self to make these decisions and perhaps your wife was not quite in the position to be so sure of herself. It sounds as if life has changed for her and perhaps in a way she could not have forseen and this has made her change her perspective.

Also in your wifes defense...having children is huge......it involves physical and emotional and medical changes that are enormous. Your wife is right to be cautious and if she is not ready to have children she is right to say so.

Regards

Fantazmic

[Beckwith]

Many thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply. Unfortunately things have got a little worse in as much that my wife has now said she needs to think about 'everything' and she has subsequently gone to her Mum and Dad's, where she has now been for the last week and a half.

This has now been going on for over two weeks and what I am finding very hard to handle is the fact that she will not tell me anything, and I mean anything. She is being very cold towards me and when we do speak all she appears to do is want a fight - I am so confused. I have asked her to come home because the only two people who can sort this out is me and her but she refuses. She agreed to meet up with me last Friday and it was a complete waste of time as she again told me she needs more time to think and she won't be coming home.

I don't understand what it is that she needs to think about. She knows I love her and I have told her that she should pass her exams, get this job that she wants and sometime in the future re-visit the subject of children. I would like to stress that at no time have I ever put pressure on her to have a child, if anything she was the one that set the dates for trying. I asked her the other day why she did this and she replied that if she hadn't given me any dates then I would never have married her (which of course is not true). I now think, well .... did she do it simply to marry me, having no intentions whatsoever to have children? Again, I would like to stress that what I was actually angry about was the fact that she made a decision that I feel should have been discussed between the two of us, as a married couple. The topic just happened to be about babies, it could have been anything like moving house but we should have both discussed it. Because I got upset with that, she has now gone to her Mum's and I am living on my own not knowing when she is coming back.

I am just so confused and I do not understand why someone who had previously told me that she loves me so much is doing this to me. I have now accepted that there is no point in me getting all upset now because I have no control over the situation. I have accepted that I am going to have to give her the time she needs (how ever long that is&#33 and wait until hopefully she comes home.

The fact is that because she is not talking to me and she is now considering 'Everything' not only do I feel as though I do not know my wife anymore but I also do not know if I have got a marriage left.

[Fantazmic]

Dear Neil,

Wow this post really sheds new light on your situation.

I think you are right the only thing you can do is give her some space and maybe suggest to her that you will be ready to talk when she is ready to speak to you.

I am wondering if the whole situation around having a a baby has been a catalyst to other thoughts your wife may be haviing about your marriage. However it makes things very difficult if she will not speak to you.

At this stage you could try writing her a letter about your feelings and asking her what is really the matter. and assuring her of your commitment to her and that you love her and want to sort things out, but other wise i would suggest waiting until she has cooled down.

Regards

Fantazmic

[Beckwith]

Dear Fantazmic et al,

May I start by saying thanks for your support and advice.

I have thought about sending her an email telling her how I feel, in fact everything that I have already said to her over the phone, in particular what this is doing to me but she doesn't appear concerned. I am worried that if I send her an email it will be seen as me pestering her again and make things worse when perhaps she really does need the time away from me to consider 'everything'.

I am really going out of my mind. I am finding it difficult concentrating at work and I feel that if she doesn't contact me soon and sort this all out I am going to break. I cannot go on knowing that my wife who works just around the corner from me chooses every night to get on a different train to me and return to her Mum's when she should be coming home to me to sort this out.

I really am going out of my mind and I don't know if I can just sit here and let her dictate my life by leaving me in limbo as she is. As I said in my previous message I don't understand how someone who is supposed to love me as much as she has previously said is hurting me so much, psychologically. What I find strange is that the day before this all happened everything was absolutely fine, or at least I thought it was. Perhaps there is something I have not seen.

I am afraid that something may have been lost in communication between the two of us and she doesn't know exactly how I feel. In this respect I feel it would be worthwhile sending her an email but at the same time would giving her the time and space that she says she needs be better. Suggestions?

Best regards

Neil

[diana_holbourn]

You could maybe try writing her an email, but instead of telling her about your feelings, you could ask her several questions about what needs she has that she feels aren't being met by the marriage. That might help her clear up any issues clouding her mind, and if she replies, give you both something to work at for the future and make you more optimistic. So you could ask questions like:

If you agreed to come back to me on the proviso that things were different between us, how would you like them to be different?

If things were going really well in our marriage, what would we be doing differently to what we're doing now? Think through the day and try to imagine what would be different as we went through the day.

What needs of yours would you like to see fulfilled that currently aren't being met?

In what ways do you think you could go about getting them met, and what could we do together that would help you meet them?

What would you like us to do more of in our marriage?

What would you like us to do less of?

What would be the first sign that things were changing so our marriage was more to your liking?

And if you saw the first sign, how would it alter other things about the marriage?

And when the improvements began to take off a bit more, what would be happening differently to what happens now?

How would we be going about making those improvements?

That might at least be a start of better dialogue between you, and it might help you understand her better.

[Beckwith]

It has now been almost five weeks since this all started and four weeks since my wife moved back to her parents.

During this time I have managed to work out what is going on. The baby part was easy because my wife told me she is not ready for children yet and wants to wait for another 4 to 5 years. This does not explain why she will not come home, but then I realised. My wife is currently studying for an exam in December and she does not want to come home to face up to what is going on, she simply does not want ANYTHING to interfere with her studying - Why? Because the golden carrot has been dangled which is a job offer in September next year but she must first pass these exams so she can do another one in June 2006 and if she passes these she will then be qualified and her company can offer her the job.

I met with my wife last Friday and it is clear that this is exactly what is going on. My wife is expecting me to be on my own for another three weeks (so six in total) until she has done the exams in December. The silly thing is that I have said to my wife, come home and the current problems will not be discussed until she is ready so she can concentrate and focus on her studying 100%. I have said I will do all of the household chores, including cooking so she can concentrate on passing these exams. We have been together for 5 years and during this time she has probably done something like 20 exams and she has passed all of them, so why should this be any different. It is different because she knows that she has to pass these so she can get that job and she is not prepared for a silly little thing like her marriage to get in the way.

What hurts the most is that my wife is clearly choosing her career over our marriage. I think that by her staying away has now back fired on her because it has given me the time to think and realise what sort of person my wife is and that is selfish. I am not stopping her from doing the exams or getting the job (because I will benefit from it as well&#33 but she has chosen not to speak to me and left me in a situation where I don't even know if I have a marriage left. I truly have been bouncing off of the walls but she doesn't seem to care, until now it would seem. I have told my wife that I am now going to think about myself and decide with what she has told me whether it is best for me too. I have now found myself in a position where I really do not know whether I want to stay with my wife anymore. She has taken me through every emotion possible and despite pleading with her she has continued to hurt me, because of what ..... some exams and a job. I have now gone through those emotions and I am now on the up and it is certainly making things a whole lot easier.

The reason why I don't think I want to be with my wife anymore is due to the following:

? I think we both want different things. I want the simple things out of life which are in my opinion, love, happiness and a family where as my wife wants the material things that life offers and the bank balance is the most important thing to her.

? I don't trust her anymore. She has put a time bar on the children front AGAIN and what is to say that in 4-5 years she changes her mind again because a bigger better job comes along. I will be just about to turn 40.

? Personally I don't think she will ever change and this whole sorry scenario backs that up. My wife will only do what she wants in order to get what she wants. I have got to decide whether I can continue to live with someone who is clearly only happy when they get their own way.

? Finally, I don't know if I can ever forget or forgive her for what she has put me through. As I said it is now five weeks since this all happened and she still hasn't come home. She has said some hurtful things to me like, if she had never given me any dates on the baby front then I would have never married her and things like that if she did get pregnant before hand then she would get an abortion. I asked her whether she could leave me over this and she said there was a possibility because she was not prepared to stay in an unhappy marriage. The silly thing is that before all of this happened we were your ideal married couple.

I am now a stronger person than what I was two weeks ago and the one positive that I can take from all of this is that my wife has shown me her true colours and thankfully she did so before any children are involved. I keep looking at it that I am a failure because I have only been married for 14 months yet I should not look at it like that because we have had a relationship for 5 years which is longer than some married couples.

I now need to work out what is right for me with regards to the points that I raised above. My gut feeling at the moment is that I really do not know whether I want to be with her anymore, which is a shame but then things happen and life goes on.

[littlemoo]

Sorry to hear that you think you will be better apart, but from what I have read, you might be doing the right thing. I know what you mean about a simple life. I want that sort of thing too. Thankfully my hsuband supports me in that.
I am glad to hear that you are stronger now. If you still want advice on the emotional problems, have you considered going to see relate, either both of you or just yourself.
If you are sure that this is what you want to do, you will need to think about the more practical aspects of splitting up. Do you have seperate bank accounts? Is the house jointly owned. If so, you will have to sort out paying the mortgage etc. The citizen's advice bureau will help you with most of these things.
best of luck with it all, whatever you decide.
~Jo

[Beckwith]

Dear Jo,

Many thanks for your reply. I am currently in the process of working out our finances because we do have a joint account and the house is in both our names. I have come to the conclusion that I should be able to afford the house on my own. I hope this is the case because we have only been in the house three years and the deposit that we put down on it came from the sale of my flat and it was quite substantial, where as my wife didn't contribute at all (because she was living with her parents), but it didn't concern me at the time.

A couple of people have said to me about speaking to a solicitor even if nothing comes of it, just to see what my position is. I am meeting with my wife again tomorrow and I will be asking her whether she fully intends to stay away until her exams are finished. If she does then I feel the best thing for her to do is to stay at her parents until after Christmas, perhaps even the new year - This will be my choice and not hers. We were supposed to be having a big family Christmas at our house this year with both sets of parents but my wife has already told me that the in-laws are not coming now. Since my wife is an only child there is no way she will not see her parents on Christmas day. This is what amazes me. My wife is prepared to drag this out until a week and a half before Christmas because it suits her and her alone yet she is not bothered about spoilling Christmas for everyone else.

If anyone else has any other advice of what I should do to protect my interests in the event the worst should happen then it will be greatly appreciated.

[littlemoo]

There are lots of sites on google, if you do a search for divorce, that will give you advice on the issues that may come up.
Since you don't have children, and she works, I don't think you'll have to give her any benefits of any kind.
Otherwise, I don't know, but I hope you work it all out.
~Jo

[Beckwith]

It has now been 8 weeks, 7 of which I have been on my own since this all started. After spending all of this time not knowing whether I have got a marriage left because my wife has not really spoken to me, quite amazingly she is now coming to see me tomorrow to have a chat. I say I am amazed but I am not really because my wife has just finished her exams (today in fact) and she can now move onto the next important thing to her which is her marriage.

I am going to be all ears tomorrow and I know a lot will depend on what is said but I really am confused myself. One minute I want everything to go back as they were and the next I feel as though I never want to see my wife again. The thing that concerns me the most out of the entire ordeal is that currently I don't trust her anymore and this of course is a major factor in a marriage. I don't trust her because of what she has done on the baby front; I don't trust her in as far as waiting another five years for a baby when at which time I will be just short of 40 and she could change her mind again; I don't trust her because I have now found a credit card bill that apparently she has hidden from me for years (and it has been paid for from our 'old' joint account) and I don't trust her for what she has done to me over the last 8 weeks. I really don't know if we are ever going to get over this, whether too much damage has been done to repair.

I suppose the answers to everything lie in listening to what my wife has got to say tomorrow and thereafter. It all does hinge on what she says and how she acts.

If we do get through this, then I don&#39;t know what will happen when she does her final exams in June next year&#33; [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/wink.gif[/img]

Again, I would like to thank everyone who has offered advice. I think this website is fantastic and it has really helped me through this difficult time.

[diana_holbourn]

I&#39;m glad you&#39;ve found this website helpful.

Sorry to hear about her deceit, especially in assuring you she wanted children just so you&#39;d marry her, if I recall what you said correctly. I wonder what she was hoping to gain from the marriage when she agreed to marry you, and why she doesn&#39;t feel it&#39;s so important now.

Anyway, I hope things all work out for the best, whatever that is.