Need to talk

[Dazed]

My wife admitted to having an affair in July after I discovered she had been secretly emailing someone. I had been suspicious for a while but she denied anything was going on. Basically, she met someone while she was away and slept with him after meeting him for the third time. We have two children and unfortunately they found out what happened too. She says she is very sorry and knows that it was wrong and never wanted to hurt me. She also says the other person is sorry too. I was able to say, 'I forgive you' and assured her that I loved her and was prepared to work through why it happened and hopefully sort out the underlying issues. So far so good! However, she is still seeing the other person. Basically, she is involved in a work project with him. She has assured me that she has no feelings for him, other than as a friend, and that he's not a threat. She went away last week for a few days (work, which again involved him) and on her return said she wanted to go to marriage guidance. I suppose I should have been elated because it's what I've wanted. However, she admitted she wants to make her own decisions and choices in her life without having to worry about me. At the same time, she says she still loves me and can't imagine herself with anyone else! It really hurts to know she is still in contact with him. Stupidly, I looked at her digital camera and saw a lot of photos of him and them together, taken whilst she was away. It made my blood boil and I confronted her. She said they were mainly work related and although she understands my jealousy, she says isn't doing anything wrong and is not prepared not to see him anymore mainly because people would start asking questions and put 2 and 2 together. I'm sitting in my office unable to concentrate on anything else. I love and adore her and am prepared to put up with a lot but I don't want to be walked over. We are off to Relate tomorrow and I hope that it will help but I'm very anxious. I feel very tired and out of control. Last night, we talked about the other chap and what he's like which helped. I know she's planning another trip in November and I'm not sure if I can cope with the thought of them being together, albeit work related, because it leaves me feeling jealous and anxious. Sorry for rambling on but it helps to get it down in writing.

[diana_holbourn]

A couple of things that would make me suspicious of what she's saying are her former dishonesty about the relationship - how can you be sure she's being any more honest now, - and the fact that she says she now has no feelings for him. How come she did before but she doesn't now? What's changed? Why have her feelings for him disappeared? Those are things I'd want to ask. And I'd wonder what the point would be of taking photos of them together just for the sake of work.

I hope the counselling goes well. If it does, it could be helpful for others if you could tell us what worked, if you're happy to do that.

[Dazed]

I've had a long chat with her tonight. Basically, she doesn't want the responsibility of marriage and wants the freedom to make her own decisions. She says she needs space to make up her mind because she feels trapped. She's saying very cruel things to get a reaction from me and then says "what will it take for you to leave me" because I'm not blowing up. Then she says she's sorry and doesn't know what she wants. How do I give her space? If I'm honest, I'm frightened to just in case she doesn't come back! I'm worried for my children who are only 11 & 13. I know the consequences of divorce for children and don't want it for them.

[diana_holbourn]

Has she told you what things in particular about the marriage are making her feel trapped? Do you know what decisions you've made that she hasn't liked and that have made her feel as if she'd rather be making her own? Perhaps rather than separating, you can both tackle such issues one by one. You could try asking her questions like:

If this marriage was going really well for you, what would we be doing differently?

What would be the first thing you'd notice that would tell you the marriage was getting better?

How would my behaviour be changing?

How would you be behaving differently?

What would it be that would have changed to make you behave differently?

And when we were both behaving differently, what difference would that make to your life?

When she answers that question by telling you about a change she'd make, ask her what difference that would make. When she tells you, ask her what difference That would make. And with each positive difference she imagines happening, ask her what difference that would make to her life. She might end up building up a very positive picture of the way things could be in the marriage if a few changes were made. That might give her a feeling of optimism, and that might make her more likely to want to stay. Then, if noticeable changes for the better do happen, that might reinforce her optimism and make her more likely to want to stay.

If she starts accusing you of things and talking about what she's been unhappy with in the past, try to redirect her back to talking about what she wants from the future instead.

[Dazed]

Thank you for your advice. We have just returned from Relate and both want to attend further sessions. I want to go because I want to save our marriage and make it better. She wants to go to see if there his anything worth saving. Deep down I know it's a good thing. I want her to be sure, otherwise it will be a one sided relationship and I'll be forever acquiesing no matter how I feel . However, I'm pretty scared because she might turn round and say it's over. We have an awful lot of baggage to examine; some of which was totally out of our control. Thank you once again for listening.