10 years of marriage, is it over? *long post*

[gixer]

I am new to the forum, I feel isolated and very very alone, I have nobody to talk to so please forgive me if I seem to go on and on....

A little of my history - I come froma very dysfunctional family, my mother is a manic depressive and we have been estranged since I was 15, she has periodically entered my life then left again in a blaze of fury, turmoil,pain and hurt. My father always worked away from home when I was a child and my parents divorced when I was 9.
After a peculiar childhood, my mother threw me out at 15. By this point my older brother had recieved the same treatment and was now a junkie (20 years on he still fights his addiction but is rapidly losing the battle) and my sister lurched from abusive relationship to abusive relationship and has been fighting a losing battle with alchohol since she was 14.
I guess of the 3 of us I was the lucky one, after witnessing the despair and destruction of my siblings I opted to join the military. As soon as I had completed training I met someone who was close to his family, had the upbringing I only read in fairytales. he was secure. grounded and above all SAFE.
In the begining I loved him only as a friend, and just after my 20th birthday he asked me to marry him. I have to be honest, at the time I didnt think he was "the one" or that he was or ever would be the love of my life. But, I felt at home with him, I felt safe and secure, he had a good job, good prospects and clearly adored me, nobody had ever treated me before with such love, compassion and respect. I was very rational and clear headed when I made my descision, which was simply this - marry him you fool, he loves you, he is trustworthy, he will always look after you.
I accepted his proposal and we married 6 months later. Our first year of marriage was a happy one, and we were also blessed with our first child. I have to confess, I didnt take to motherhood very well, our daughter was a difficult baby, and I suffered badly with post natal depression. My husband had to take on resposibility for the care of our daughter and even now they are so very close. I feel I have missed out on a the important bonding stage with her and sometimes i feel I cannot even bring myself to hold her, yet I know I would lay down my life for her without question. During this period I had felt more alone and isolated than ever, I had gone through military training, a marriage and the birth of a child totally alone, this is a feeling I still have today, despite trying to build a family of my own.
Time passed by with its ups and downs, and 2 years later we then had our second daughter. The situation was very different this time, I already felt as if my husband and I had grown apart, and due to his work commitments he didnt bond with our second child in the same way he did with our first. I therefore felt compelled to be both mother and father to her to make up for it, and as a result we are very close, something I feel my husband resented at the time.
Years have gone by now, and I feel I have lived most of it in a stupor. One thing I can say though is this, my husband has stood by me when most others would have walked away. I can honestly say I love him more now than I ever have done, but the distance between us now is so vast that I dont know how we can ever get back on a level playing field. I want to save our marriage, I owe it to him, I owe it my daughters and I owe it to myself.
He is a good man, I know that, but I exisit day to day in a living hell. I feel unhappy, unfullfilled, discontented and desperate every single day of my life. We argue constantly. We dont make love for months at a time. I dont know how to resolve the situation, and nobody is even at fault anymore, it just is what it is.
Some days I feel overwhelming loss, hatred, resentment, I feel I am unappreciated, taken for granted an unworthy. Other days I feel total despair, like my world is caving in, and I have to do something, anything, to get a grip and save my marriage.
I love my husband and my children, I really do, but as much as I love them I am also afraid of them, afraid of the potential pain they can inflict on me. I am tired of living my life this way, so very very tired. I really dont know what to do, part of me thinks they will all be better off without me, so quietly pack a bag and slip out of the back door and dissapear into the the stratosphere. Part of me wants to stay and fight for what is mine. It is a constant struggle, and one I am growing tired of battling.

what do I do? where do I go? Is there any hope for my family's future and our marriage?

[diana_holbourn]

It might help if you and your husband sit down together and talk through what each of you wants from the marriage. Beforehand, it may be a good idea if you think about any things you'd like him to do, or which you could do together or on your own that would stop you feeling "unhappy, unfullfilled, discontented, unappreciated, taken for granted an unworthy." One helpful question to help you work it out would be, "If my marriage was perfect, what would be happening that would be different from what happens now?" It might help to break it down into smaller questions like, "If I woke up in the morning and something fantastic had happened and my marriage was perfect, what would be the first thing that would happen that would remind me that it was perfect? How would I be behaving differently from the way I normally behave? What would my husband notice about my behaviour that was different? What would my children notice about it that was different? And what diference would that change in behaviour make to them? How would their behaviour be different as a consequence? And what would my husband be doing that was different that would remind me again that my marriage was perfect? What would it be about the improvement in our relationship that would have made him make that difference? If he behaved in the new way that was so much better, how would I behave differently as a consequence? How would the children behave differently? What would he notice that was different?

If you think about all the times of day when you're together, asking yourself similar questions to that when you think of each one, it might help you get a clearer idea of what new things you really want from the marriage, and how to go about achieving them.

You say you feel "unhappy". OK, it may help if you think through the day in small stages, thinking about what would have to be different in each one to make you happy. If you were happy, how would you and your husband be behaving differently?

Next, you say you feel "unfulfilled". If you were feeling fulfilled, what would you all be doing differently? How would you know you were fulfilled? What would you be doing that would be telling you you were?

Next, you say you sometimes feel "discontented". OK, if you felt contented, what would you and others around you be doing differently that would let you know you were contented?

Next, you say you sometimes feel "unappreciated". OK, if you were feeling appreciated, how would that mean your husband was behaving differently? What would he be doing from day to day that was making you feel appreciated?

You say you sometimes feel "unworthy". OK, if you were feeling like a valuable human being, worth all the love he could give you, what would you be doing that was different from what you do now? What could you do to go about achieving that difference?

If you can work out exactly what you think would have to change about your marriage to make it a happy one, you could ask him to ponder on similar questions to the ones you've been pondering on, which might help him work out ways in which he thinks the marriage could be improved. When you've both got a clearer idea of how to take things forward, you could sit down together and discuss how both of you could have a go at changing to please each other. You could perhaps even write a contract together, in which you write down all the new things you'd like each other to do that would make you both happier, to remind yourselves in the coming weeks and months, like, for instance, "Let's go out with friends more" or whatever. The changes might be gradual while you both get into the habit of doing things differently, but you might see more and more progress. When you both behave in the old ways because you've forgotten what the contract says, don't have a go at each other because of it or be discouraged. Remember it will take practice before you both get so familiar with the new habits that you do the new things automatically.

If the contract seems too overwhelming because there are too many things on it, you could choose to pick a few every week to try to achieve, and get used to doing more and more new things bit by bit.

It might even be that if your sibblings ask themselves similar questions to the ones I've suggested, it might help them decide how to move forward with their lives. For instance, questions like, "What good things would be happening in my life if I decided I didn't need alcohol anymore? What would I have to be doing in life that would make me think I was so happy I didn't need to be an addict anymore? If I was no longer an addict, how would my life be different? And what difference would that change make to me?

You say that it's only on some days that you feel at your worst. OK, what's happening on the days you feel at your best? What's happening on the days when you feel your marriage isn't quite so bad after all? Pondering on any good things that are happening at the moment will help you work out what you could do more of. You could then talk through what's going right at the moment with your husband as well as what needs to be changed, and that will help you do more of what's working.

It may not be too late to become close to your first child. Can you think of anything loving that you do do for her? There are probably at least a few things you do together that you both enjoy, or that make you feel some warmth towards her. If you can think through your usual day slowly from beginning to end, trying to think of any loving things you do do with her or for her, and think of any other occasions when you do things together that make you feel closer to her, then you'll get a clearer idea of what kinds of things work in your relationship, so you'll be able to do more of them with your daughter, and you might find that you get closer and closer the more you do, and you might be able to invent several other things that are similar.

Do you know of any groups of people who share your interests or concerns that you could join in your local area, to make you feel less isolated, perhaps places you could go with your husband?