Marriage in trouble

[Steve]

I don't know what to do. Me and my wife got married when we were 19. We have been married for almost 5 years now and things have changed recently. She has been sad and depressed lately. We never really fight or argue about things, but she decided she needed some time alone to find herself and find her purpose in life. While she has been away she has treated me like she kind of hates me or is mad at me. After about a month I just felt like I couldn't take it. I am very depressed not having her here and I feel betrayed. I still love her sooo much and I feel like we can work things out. We talked the after about a month and I noticed she stopped wearing her wedding ring. This drove me crazy and I started packing her stuff and told her maybe she should just go. She said she wanted to work things out and that she wanted to be with me. Then, a couple days later she moved all of her stuff out and said if we were meant for each other, then we'll find our way back to each other. Then, a couple days later she brought some of it back and wanted to work things out again. Now, it's been about 2 months and she says she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She says she's not sure we can work things out and she wants to be on her own. She says she feels empty inside. She has decided that she is going to move to a different town (not to far away). I've told her how much it hurts me to not have her here and she knows I want to work things out. I've asked her to come back and try to work things out but she says it doesn't feel right to come back. I asked her if I told her she either had to move back or get a divorce what would she choose, and she basically said divorce.

I don't know what to do. I love her so much and she has been my whole world. It hurts so much to go through this. I desperately want to work things out and be with her. I feel we both made a commitment to each other and I feel that we should keep that, but I don't think she feels the same.

Thanks for reading my story and if you have any comments or advice, please let me know.

[diana_holbourn]

It might not be too late to talk things through with her. If it isn't, you could tell her you'll listen quietly while she tells you exactly what she thinks is wrong, and make a commitment to doing that, and then afterwards, put your side of things. The trouble with not arguing is that issues might get bottled up until they get blown out of proportion in a person's mind, and then they start feeling dissatisfied. You could perhaps arrange a meeting with her at a certain time, and ask if before it happens, she can draw up a list of the pros and cons of being with you. It sounds as if she's confused about whether she wants to be with you, and it would help her clarify things in her mind. If you're not used to discussing what's wrong in your marriage, she might take a bit of persuading, but it's worth patiently persevering in encouraging her to do that.

If your discussion shows signs of encouragement, you could also suggest she moves back in with you on a trial basis, perhaps for a couple of weeks, to help her make up her mind, and to give you an opportunity to persuade her that you can still have a future together.

Having said that it can be good to argue, or at least to discuss painful issues, it's been said that there are four attitudes that are fatal to a marriage. One is if the couple are constantly putting each other down, chriticizing unconstructively. Another is if they're defensive with each other, like if one person mentions something they feel is wrong, and the other person refuses to address what they're saying but dismisses it by raising other issues that put the other person in a bad light. One is contempt, where one or both partners can no longer see any good in the other person and don't try to. And the other one is stone-walling, where one partner refuses to listen to what the other one is saying if it's bad, and simply blocks it out by saying things like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah! Heard it all before!"

They say a good technique for arguing is that when one partner says something horrible, instead of showing anger or getting defensive, the other one just calmly repeats back to them what they have said, like saying, "So you feel fed up because I don't give you enough ..." whatever. Then, the other one will know you're listening to them, and if they start off angry, it'll slow the conversation down because you're not saying things that make them feel worse, so they'll probably calm down. And if you're repeating back their words, it makes them think about what they're saying more. So if they're saying things that are really unfair because they're in an emotional state, it'll get them to think about what they're saying, so they have more of a chance to think about whether what they're saying really is true. But the technique has to be done calmly, because if they think there's a trace of an attack in your voice, it'll just make them angry and things will get worse.

It's been said that it's easy to predict whether a marriage will survive. It depends on the ratio of positive interactions to negative ones. If you were to plan things together that you both enjoyed, took on new and interesting things together, and found something to do where you both felt you were making a valuable contribution to something, she'd probably feel better. If you can spend quite a lot of time discussing with each other how you'd like things to be, rather than focusing all your attention on what's wrong, that'll probably help. You might get some new ideas on how to improve your marriage.

[littlemoo]

Sorry to hear that its not going well. There isn't much advice i can give but i do hope you can work it out.

When you talk, do you both get your say. if not, have you considered writing down what you have to say and giving it to her.

I know you want to be with her, but is there anyone else you can talk to - a mate or something. Try going out with them occasionally. I know it can be difficult when you are depressed but you have to keep going and try and do something that will make you happier, if only in the short term.

~Jo