I dont want to hurt her any more

[Mr Sad]

I recently admitted to my wife that I had an affair with her best friend, after she received an anonymous letter detailing the affair.

We are going to councelling (starting tonight), and i suppose i'm afraid of what the future holds. I am so scared I will lose her. She is the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

I never ever meant to hurt her. I love her so much, and I cant help feeling scared that she will ask me to leave.

I know that what I am saying sounds really wimpy, and pathetic. I deserve everything that is coming to me.

I just dont know what to say to her. She is asking me stuff about the affair, and i dont know whether to answer or not. I feel guilty for not answering, and she takes the silence as a yes answer, and yet if i do answer her questions, things get worse between us.

I know she wants to know why..........but i dont have any answers.

Her friend and i had always had a close, flirty friendship. But we overstepped the lines, and took it that step further. The secret was kept for nearly 2 years, and now my wife doesnt trust me at all. She feels that everything i say is a lie.

Does anyone have any advice for me, as to how I can save my marriage ?

[diana_holbourn]

It seems positive that your wife actually wants to go to counselling with you; she clearly hasn't given up on you altogether and appears to believe there is still hope. Perhaps she would ideally like to save the marriage. The important question is, Do you think you'll have an affair again? If you would like to if you think you can get away with it, there isn't much hope for your marriage. But if you can't be entirely sure you won't but know it really wouldn't be a good idea so don't want to at this stage, what can you do to cut down the risks? If you make plans for the future about reducing your risk of temptation and tell her what they are, it will probably give her hope. If you recognise what it was that made you over-step the lines, what can you do to make sure you're never in that situation again? Did you feel there was something missing in your marriage at the time? If so, how could you recreate what it was with your wife? These are all questions you could ponder on. This isn't to say that what happened was in any way her fault, and you should be careful not to imply that. But if you could both think up ways of how if your marriage gets back on track, you'd like the other person to change in a positive way, it could reinvigorate your marriage.

Perhaps firstly, however, you'll have to try to reassure her that she can trust you in the future. You could discuss ways with her that you could be more accountable towards her in the future, such as discussing in detail the finances with her so she knows you haven't been spending unexplained amounts of money, taking a mobile phone with you everywhere you go and telling her she can contact you any time, or giving her contact numbers so she can phone other people where you are so they can hopefully confirm that you are where you say you are, and allowing her to read your emails.

If she asks you things about the affair, you could answer her with as little detail as you can, and before she can reply, always finish off what you say by saying you're sorry, and you just didn't think about how much it would hurt her if she found out, and you know you should have thought about it and that you were in the wrong, and you really want to remain faithful in the future, and you're going to do things that will reassure her that you are being faithful like allowing her to read your emails and phoning her when you're out to try to let her know that you are where you say you are.

[quiet]

I would say, tell her as much as possible. She knows it has happened and is probably expecting the worst. My husband and I talk to each other whenever we start to have any problems and it always helps to share how we feel (although we've never done anything as serious at this)

Have you seen the letter she got - do you know how much she knows?? I'm sure she's imagining a lot more - women often do.

Diana has a good point when she says you need to think about whether you would be tempted to do it again. That may also help you to understand why you did it the first time.

I hope the councelling goes well for you. Your wife obviously thinks that it may be possible for you to stay together or she wouldn't have suggested councelling in the first place.

And my last piece of advice is, take the councelling seriously - think about what you are being asked at the sessions.

Good Luck

[Mr Sad]

Thankyou both for your guidance and advice.

I saw the letter my wife received, and all it basically said was that the rumours were true, and that i was going to get cited in the other couples divorce.

As for doing it again....i think that that is a guaranteed NEVER EVER AGAIN.
I was stupid, and i love my wife very dearly.

The friendship we had with the other couple involved, was a very close one. The woman and I always flirted and had a laff, even in front of our partners, the only trouble was we took it that one step further...which should never have happened.

My wife has since said, that it was almost inevitable that something like this would happen, due to the strange relationship we all had as friends. She has also said that she sort of supected that something was going on....i dont know, hindsight is a great thing.

Anyways, the first counselling session went very well, and we both feel happier from it. We both still love each other very much, and I think we will get through this tough time. I know it is going to take a very long time for her to trust me again, if she ever will, but that is the price I have to pay.

Many thanks again