My Husband Doesn't Desire Me....

[UnLongedFor]

Hello, I'm new and this is my first post. I don't know where else to turn so I thought finding a forum where I can anonymously post my feelings would help. So here it goes...

I've been married for over 7 years...and the physical intimacy in our relationship is almost non-existent. My husband basically does not find me sexually attractive, in a nut shell.

To give some history...shortly after we married, the frequency of our love making declined. As newly weds we were more active than we are now but even then it was maybe once or twice a month. It began to slowly dwindle over the years and to make a long story short...we make love maybe once every 3 months or so.

I am so frustrated. I've tried everything...I've cried, I've talked, I've gotten angry, I've "given up", I have tried to spice things up...but nothing.

He says it's not me...but when I make statements of him not being physically attracted to me, he does not deny them. I am heavy...I was heavy when we married...he is heavy...and yet I still desire him. I try to do everything to be a good wife...I keep a nice home...I cook for him...

On the surface we have a great relationship, though! We laugh and truly do love one another! He tells me he loves me almost every day and he is kind and thoughful...but the physical passion is just not there...and it has done a number on my self-esteem.

I used to LOVE to have sex (to be blunt! lol) Now when we do it, though, I can't help to feel pressure...pressure to be "good enough" so that he may want it more often. Instead, it's often akward and mechanical. I suggest new positions, I even bought him some "videos" for him for Valentine's Day...it's been over a week and he has not viewed them with me yet.

As a result, my initiation has declined as well. I feel almost embarassed to try due to the repeated rejections. I feel so gross...so un desired.

On a side note...several years ago my DH did have an affair. I found out about it almost a year or two later in a round about way. It was short-lived and we have discussed it until we're blue in the face. But I can't stop thinking about it. Now when I do try to talk to him...he just get so upset and says, "I've tried to show you how sorry I am and I thought we were past this!" I feel as if I don't have anyone to talk to about it since I didn't tell anyone (I didn't leave him and so I didn't want our family/friends to hate him...and they would have).

I've suggested counseling on multiple occassions but he won't go.

I'm sorry this is so incredibly long. I'm just so frustrated and sad about it...we would have the perfect relaionship if only he desired me...

Thanks for listening.

[diana_holbourn]

If your sex life has declined, it must mean it was good once, so he must have been attracted to you once. Have you asked him what attracted him to you physically in the beginning, and what changed?

Can you be absolutely sure he isn't having an affair now? Or could he be looking at pornography? Sometimes, when men look at pornography, it decreases their satisfaction with their own partner, because the partner obviously can't compete with the people who've groomed their bodies especially for the porn business and may have had their figures artificially enhanced by plastic surgery or by manipulation of the images. Maybe if you search the house for magazines, and try to find out what websites he's been viewing or who he's been emailing, you might get a clearer picture.

Or could he be anxious about his own performance? Maybe that's the reason he seems to have gone off sex. It might be a good idea to take the pressure off him for a while and spend half an hour or so a few times a week just being affectionate to each other, caressing each other's non-sexual parts, like stroking each other's hair, rubbing each other's backs, massaging each other's arms and hands etc. It may be that after several weeks of that, his sexual appetite comes back.

[UnLongedFor]

Thank you so much for responding...I really do appreciate it.

As far as him having another affair...I don't think so. I keep pretty good track of him and frankly I don't think he would really have the time. We are together pretty much all of the time we aren't at work and he's not one to go out with "the guys"...he also happens to work with all men.

As far as the pornography...I keep track of what's viewed on the computer as well...he looks sometimes but not obsessively. I did check, too...and there are no mags around the house.

As for your suggestion of cuddling and caressing...my husband loves a great big bear hug and a smooch...but he cannot STAND to be rubbed or massaged. He thinks it either hurts or tickles too much...it's actually quite frustrating on its own.

I don't think he has performance issues...he quite adept and knows it. I think it's just me...that is, I think he loves me very much but isn't physically attracted to me. I've heard that this is quite possible in marriages and unfortunately I believe I am a case study for this theory.

I will keep trying to look my best (although it's hard to do sometimes when you're working, cleaning, etc.) and continue to try to express to him my needs.

If you have any other suggestions, though, I am willing and desperate enough to take them!

Thanks again

[diana_holbourn]

Can you remember clearly whether anything was different when you used to make love a lot? Have you grown fatter over the years? Does he feel as if his life's got stuck in a rut and so he isn't motivated to do anything much? Is it possible that he might think the excitement has gone out of his life in general so he can't be bothered to get enthused about anything? Have you tried doing new things with him - not sexual things, but things that would increase his zest for life in general? Like joining local groups and following up favourite hobbies or interests?

Also, perhaps you could try changing your diet to slim down a bit. This would of course be good for your health as well as anything else. You might be able to find some very good cook books with recipes for wholesome low-calory food. It would be good for his health as well. Often, when people change their diet to eat more healthily, and do more exercise, they feel as if they have much more energy.