Marriage Problems or Post Natal Depression ?

[shortbloke]

Hi

First time on here and hoping some help, experiences can be shared.

I am a new dad (have a beautiful 6 month old son) although am scared about my feelings towards my wife. We married and got on with life and due to her age felt that we better have a child before she is too old. It also felt right at the time.

Now he has come along, I feel unwanted an the relationship in my eyes has become strained. No matter what I do, in her eyes it's not the right way of doing it. He takes up all my wifes time and when I get back from work I just want to wind down although will try and take the stress of him off her by feeding, playing or bathing him. Despite living together, we appear to have drifted miles apart and I am now seeking counselling as my mind is telling me I don't love my wife anymore. She doesn't seem to understand my feelings and says she cannot cope with both me and him (which I understand - I am an adult and can look after myself, he cannot). She told me she was 'fed up' with he way I am but still loves me.

We are trying to get time alone although at the moment but it sometimes feels that we are trying too hard. We have not had a holiday since Oct 2003 and I started a new job soon after he was born. I might just need a holiday but when he is around I don't appear to be relaxed with my wife.

This started on Xmas day when my wife said her feelings had changed. It knocked me for six and since then I have been on a slow decline.

I probably need a kick up the backside although I cannot pull myself out of it a the moment. I'll go to bed in an OK mood although wake up with doubting thoughts.

From looking at other posts I appear to be very lucky although some shared experiences will be appreciated

Thankyou for reading this

[diana_holbourn]

I think it's common for men to feel left out after a child's born. But maybe your wife is feeling tired and stressed and that's contributing to the problem. Does she go to any mothers' groups? Maybe it would help her to talk through any worries she's having about parenting with people going through the same thing who could give her some advice in a fairly relaxed environment. I think many churches have such groups affiliated to them, or perhaps you might be able to find out about such things from your doctor's surgery if she's interested.

Counselling might be a good idea, but some counsellors are much better than others. If the one you pick doesn't come up with any helpful ideas in the first session or two, I'd advise you to consider changing to another one.

Perhaps it might rekindle her feelings for you to a certain extent if you started surprising her sometimes with little romantic gifts, if you don't already, and try to compliment her on the things she is doing well as much as possible. That might improve your feelings towards her as well.

Maybe you both could do with learning to relax better. There are several sites on the Internet that describe relaxation exercises that perhaps you could both take time to do.

[UnLongedFor]

So often I see my friends and family's relationsips change after having a child. I think that the new role of "mom and dad" sometimes outweighs the role of "husband and wife". I feel that it is imperative for a couple to remember why it is they are in this in the first place. That is, they need to make sure they remember why it is they chose this person to be the one to start a family with.

A couple needs to make sure that they take time to be a couple...that is, go out once or twice a month. Have "dates" without the children. Ultimately time away from the children will improve the time you are WITH the children.

Hang in there...obviously you and your wife are together for a reason and that is you fell in love. Try to remember why it is you did so in the first place and the rest should fall into place.

Good luck and kudos to you for recognizing the problema and actually wanting to fix it!

[shortbloke]

Back again - Eight months on from my first post and things have improved although on Sunday she said she wasn't happy again (with US, her weight etc). I think it stems back to the i) getting engaged ii) the wedding iii) baby arriving

i) I took her abroad and proposed there after buying a ring I had chosen. I had done a bit of research into diamonds (clarity etc) and chose one that I liked. It was smaller and cheaper than another I was looking at although looked a lot more sparkly and as she doesn't wear large jewellery thought it would go down well. Unfortunatley she saw the receipt and realised I had not spent a whopping amount on it (?200). I had said I could not afford a huge amount and then went and replaced my PC amonth later - OK I admit now that my priorities were not straight. She has admitted recently though its the size and no the cost spent.

ii) I felt the wedding day was the best day of my life. I was relaxed (very weird considering the stress I was feeling before the day). She also enjoyed the day but cannot help critising parts of it. 'Why didn't people tell me that looked silly. 'Why weren't you looking at me when I walked in'. (I was but we missed eye contact as she started looking around the congregation).

Hey !! I know someone who got engaged by shaking hands in a supermarket, does not have an engagement ring an did not have the wedding she wanted

iii) She has done really well losing weight recently as we have been to 2 weddings this summer although she stilll has her 'apron' after the birth of our son and she says she doesn't feel attractive.

She doesn't socailise a great deal without me whereas I have a couple of interests that see me out 2-3 times a week

I though used to be fairly confident and now feel like a wreck. She says she wants the old me back and compares me to a couple of other fellas we know. 'Why can't you be more confident like him'. Admittedly there doesn't appear to be much 'OOMPH' left in my character. I used to be a get up and go person whereas now I feel low, tired and wondering what to do. I feel like I have been worn down and don't know how to get the old me back.

We are still distant and I have suggested a short midweek break away without the little guy. We tell each other we love each other although I wonder sometimes if we are ever going to be happy again. I am determined not to be a statistic with visiting rights. I want to be there and see my son growing up although Mum and Dad need to be OK too.

I am going to read a few more threads as I feel a lot luckier than a few others on this forum although positive advice would still help.

Thanks for reading

[diana_holbourn]

It might improve things if you pick her up on all the criticisms she makes of you and try to turn them around to encourage her to think more positively. For instance, if she tells you you can't do anything right, you could perhaps calmly say something like, "Anything? Is that really true?" Or if she criticizes you for not looking at her at a particular point in the wedding, you could calmly challenge her by asking how, if that was true, significant she really thinks that was when compared with the fact that you did something far more significant in marrying her. It may be that you can start to make her feel grateful for the things she has, rather than dwelling on anything that isn't the way she likes it. And you could challenge the way she phrases things. For instance, if shesays that she's unhappy with something about you, or when she says other negative things, you could ask her to tell you exactly how she would like things to change, rather than merely what she's unhappy with, since that will allow you both to move things forward and improve them, rather than dwelling more than is helpful on what's wrong. For instance, when she asks why you can't be confident like other people, you could ask her questions and say things like, "If I did become more confident, what do you think might be the first sign you'd notice that would let you know I was more confident?" "How would things be different if I was more confident?" "What would I be doing differently?" "If you were playing a part in my increase in confidence, what would you be doing?" "What else?" "What else?"

Or when she says she thinks she looks unattractive, you could compliment her on any nice features she does have, and on what she's achieved to make herself more attractive. Perhaps you do already. And you could ask what she intends to do to make herself look better. If you can encourage her to think of solutions to what she perceives as problems rather than the problems themselves, she should start feeling happier.

And you could sometimes try to get to the root of her criticisms by asking her why she's making them. For instance, if she criticizes you because she thinks the ring you got her was too small, you could ask her why it matters that it was small - is it that she feels it means you don't love her as much as other men love their wives, or is it that she thinks it makes her look bad in front of other women who have bigger rings, or what? If you discover that she's worried it means you don't love her as much as other men love their wives, you could try to discuss with her all the evidence that you do actually love her. Ask her to think back through your relationship and think of everything she can think of that indicates that you do love her, starting at the beginning when you first met; and remind her of some of the things. Try to do it sympathetically as far as you can, so it doesn't look as if you're trying to make her look a fool by making out that she's wrong for feeling insecure about your love for her. But if she can change the way she thinks, the relationship will probably improve.