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Hi Everyone,
I joined the group a little while ago to look for support and advice regarding our situation but have felt too afraid to post until now. I honestly thought there was only myself and my partner in this nightmare until I read some of your posts and realised that this awful situation is actually all too common and so many others are going through the same situation. So, I thought it was time to introduce myself and share our nightmare in the hope that it might help others too whilst also feeling like we're finally not alone. I'm not sure how much or how little I shuld put on here so please admin if it's too much then i'm happy for it to be edited.
In early April this year my partner was accused of 3 counts historical sexual abuse against an ex girlfriend - this supposedly dated back to 2013.
We were absolutely devastated although kind of not surprised as 3 or 4 weeks before he was arrested my partner received a solicitors letter from his ex wife stating that contact with his son had been stopped because of a police investigation involving my partner (the ex wife had been informedof thisby his ex girlfriend approx 4 weeks before the letter was sent). We pro actively tried to look into this with both the police and social services as she was adamant about this and yet the police came back saying there was no record (even confirmed this at the time with my husbands solicitor) and the same with social services - nothing other than concerns raised by his ex wife regarding the claim made to her about the police investigation.
Despite this, he received an early morning knock and was arrested and taken away for inteview (we don't live together so fortunately I didn't have to experience that - i don't honestly know how i'd have coped with seeing that happen to him).
He was held for around 5 hours and interviewed, his phone and computer were taken along with his sons computer and telephone and he was bailed until mid july (partly due to the fact he had a duty solicitor who couldn't make the original date they suggested for bail as he was on holiday - we've since changed solicitors). His bail conditions are very relaxed and are just basically to turn up at the date and time of his bail date.
He was devastated, he came straight to see me afterwards and was crushed, he broke down and was destroyed as a person - I was so worried for him and found afterwards that he had even considered harming himself afterwards because of just how destroyed and degraded by the whole experience and the accusatons. For about 3 days solid afterwards we were both just broken people yet it was something we had to hide from others close to us whilst we decided how to handle the situation and to move forward - i felt like the bottom had fallen out of our world.
This lady had basically reported to the police that during there relationship he was 'controlling' of her and then on three seperate occasions (after their relationship had ended) he forced non consentual intercourse. He's absolutely devastated as this was not the case, they'd had a period of one night stands a while after their relationship had ended and it was always consentual - he has stated this to the police in interview.
Basically they had a long term relationship which was, granted, a difficult one as she had many issues ( i can't go into it on here as theres potential evidence if it does go to the worst) they seperated but he felt he had continued responsiblity for her because of certain situatons and her continued contact so in the end he told her he was leaving the area so to break contact with her. He moved on and met another person which failed after she decided to return to her husband she'd split from long trm. He went through a bad period and this ex girlfriend came back onto the scene, they were friends and had a casual sex life however he realised it was wrong as she was trying to forge a relationship with him again and so he called an end to it. He hasn't heard from her since December 2014 when she contacted him about a computer and that was merely by text and was resolved straight away.
It has shocked us how it has come out of the blue - but also how she has ochestrated it !! I mean I understand going to the police to report something like this is hard but do you really contact the ex wife of your allegated attacker and give her all the details - even to the point of lying about other blatant things too - before reporting it ?? It's also come to light that before contacting his ex wife and also going to the police (months before in fact) she took actions to try and blacken his name that I can't really go into on here - needless to say it didnt work !! I can't begin to understand this ladies mental wellbeing and stability and why she'd done this ?? It's even made us wonder if she's seen us out in public and done it as a revenge tactic as we've since discovered she's living in our area again.
My partner and I haven't been together for an exceptionally long time however i've known him personally a long time and we have such a good relationship where we're very open with each other and he's an amazing person - he puts me, his son, his family first in everything, he's in no way controlling, he's caring, polite and very gentlemanly - he will do anything to help anyone and is so considerate and reliable. To think someone can attempt to make him out to be some monster is heartbreaking. Our relationship has without doubt been affected, all our plans are now on hold and we just look at getting through each day as it comes but this horrid situation never fails to throw something up to keep wrenching the upset and thoughts of this case on our minds.
His relationship with his son is ruined - the interviewing officers gave my partner a lift home after interview and told him they didn't deem it as a child protection issue an he should be able to see his son but we've had the obligatory referral put in to social services who have said all contact has to be supervised and his ex wife is making the most of manipulating this by allowing him 1 hour every 3 weeks. He's fighting with SS at the moment for them to come off the fence as theyre sayng the contact needs to be more frequent however its them who have put the contact conditions in place yet are't willing to step in and resolve it. The childs mother won't even allow indirect contact as she's unable to "listen in" and at some point this ex girlfriend has also involved the young child in her accusations.
My partner is torn to pieces by the whole situation - he finds it so hard to come to terms with the fact someone can say he'd do something like that, that he can be an immoral person and that they have torn his relationship with his son to pieces. He always tried to stay positive in the fact that he knew he hadn't done it, the police would discover it was lies and that when he goes back for bai it will be dropped in some way. Unfortunately (or fortunately) he's now resigned himself to the fact that when he goes back he'll probably be rebailed and the whole nightmare will drag on and on so tryng to resolve the contact with his son issue is forefront of his mind at the moment. I just feel helpless in it all - i try my hardest in trying to find advice or offer support, I go along to appointments where I can yet I can't tell anyone as we've chosen to keep it this way apart from his parents now know and are very supportive, but his mum is unwell and so we try not to worry them as they live at the other end of the country. They only discovered after his ex mother in law took it upon herself to phone them and inform them of what her daughter had been told by the ex girlfriend - fortunately his parents are also confident in the fact that its all lies and this woman has issues. It still however doesn't take that horror away - the waiting for something to happen, the fearing the worst or waiting to see what is said next.
Sorry for the long post x
I joined the group a little while ago to look for support and advice regarding our situation but have felt too afraid to post until now. I honestly thought there was only myself and my partner in this nightmare until I read some of your posts and realised that this awful situation is actually all too common and so many others are going through the same situation. So, I thought it was time to introduce myself and share our nightmare in the hope that it might help others too whilst also feeling like we're finally not alone. I'm not sure how much or how little I shuld put on here so please admin if it's too much then i'm happy for it to be edited.
In early April this year my partner was accused of 3 counts historical sexual abuse against an ex girlfriend - this supposedly dated back to 2013.
We were absolutely devastated although kind of not surprised as 3 or 4 weeks before he was arrested my partner received a solicitors letter from his ex wife stating that contact with his son had been stopped because of a police investigation involving my partner (the ex wife had been informedof thisby his ex girlfriend approx 4 weeks before the letter was sent). We pro actively tried to look into this with both the police and social services as she was adamant about this and yet the police came back saying there was no record (even confirmed this at the time with my husbands solicitor) and the same with social services - nothing other than concerns raised by his ex wife regarding the claim made to her about the police investigation.
Despite this, he received an early morning knock and was arrested and taken away for inteview (we don't live together so fortunately I didn't have to experience that - i don't honestly know how i'd have coped with seeing that happen to him).
He was held for around 5 hours and interviewed, his phone and computer were taken along with his sons computer and telephone and he was bailed until mid july (partly due to the fact he had a duty solicitor who couldn't make the original date they suggested for bail as he was on holiday - we've since changed solicitors). His bail conditions are very relaxed and are just basically to turn up at the date and time of his bail date.
He was devastated, he came straight to see me afterwards and was crushed, he broke down and was destroyed as a person - I was so worried for him and found afterwards that he had even considered harming himself afterwards because of just how destroyed and degraded by the whole experience and the accusatons. For about 3 days solid afterwards we were both just broken people yet it was something we had to hide from others close to us whilst we decided how to handle the situation and to move forward - i felt like the bottom had fallen out of our world.
This lady had basically reported to the police that during there relationship he was 'controlling' of her and then on three seperate occasions (after their relationship had ended) he forced non consentual intercourse. He's absolutely devastated as this was not the case, they'd had a period of one night stands a while after their relationship had ended and it was always consentual - he has stated this to the police in interview.
Basically they had a long term relationship which was, granted, a difficult one as she had many issues ( i can't go into it on here as theres potential evidence if it does go to the worst) they seperated but he felt he had continued responsiblity for her because of certain situatons and her continued contact so in the end he told her he was leaving the area so to break contact with her. He moved on and met another person which failed after she decided to return to her husband she'd split from long trm. He went through a bad period and this ex girlfriend came back onto the scene, they were friends and had a casual sex life however he realised it was wrong as she was trying to forge a relationship with him again and so he called an end to it. He hasn't heard from her since December 2014 when she contacted him about a computer and that was merely by text and was resolved straight away.
It has shocked us how it has come out of the blue - but also how she has ochestrated it !! I mean I understand going to the police to report something like this is hard but do you really contact the ex wife of your allegated attacker and give her all the details - even to the point of lying about other blatant things too - before reporting it ?? It's also come to light that before contacting his ex wife and also going to the police (months before in fact) she took actions to try and blacken his name that I can't really go into on here - needless to say it didnt work !! I can't begin to understand this ladies mental wellbeing and stability and why she'd done this ?? It's even made us wonder if she's seen us out in public and done it as a revenge tactic as we've since discovered she's living in our area again.
My partner and I haven't been together for an exceptionally long time however i've known him personally a long time and we have such a good relationship where we're very open with each other and he's an amazing person - he puts me, his son, his family first in everything, he's in no way controlling, he's caring, polite and very gentlemanly - he will do anything to help anyone and is so considerate and reliable. To think someone can attempt to make him out to be some monster is heartbreaking. Our relationship has without doubt been affected, all our plans are now on hold and we just look at getting through each day as it comes but this horrid situation never fails to throw something up to keep wrenching the upset and thoughts of this case on our minds.
His relationship with his son is ruined - the interviewing officers gave my partner a lift home after interview and told him they didn't deem it as a child protection issue an he should be able to see his son but we've had the obligatory referral put in to social services who have said all contact has to be supervised and his ex wife is making the most of manipulating this by allowing him 1 hour every 3 weeks. He's fighting with SS at the moment for them to come off the fence as theyre sayng the contact needs to be more frequent however its them who have put the contact conditions in place yet are't willing to step in and resolve it. The childs mother won't even allow indirect contact as she's unable to "listen in" and at some point this ex girlfriend has also involved the young child in her accusations.
My partner is torn to pieces by the whole situation - he finds it so hard to come to terms with the fact someone can say he'd do something like that, that he can be an immoral person and that they have torn his relationship with his son to pieces. He always tried to stay positive in the fact that he knew he hadn't done it, the police would discover it was lies and that when he goes back for bai it will be dropped in some way. Unfortunately (or fortunately) he's now resigned himself to the fact that when he goes back he'll probably be rebailed and the whole nightmare will drag on and on so tryng to resolve the contact with his son issue is forefront of his mind at the moment. I just feel helpless in it all - i try my hardest in trying to find advice or offer support, I go along to appointments where I can yet I can't tell anyone as we've chosen to keep it this way apart from his parents now know and are very supportive, but his mum is unwell and so we try not to worry them as they live at the other end of the country. They only discovered after his ex mother in law took it upon herself to phone them and inform them of what her daughter had been told by the ex girlfriend - fortunately his parents are also confident in the fact that its all lies and this woman has issues. It still however doesn't take that horror away - the waiting for something to happen, the fearing the worst or waiting to see what is said next.
Sorry for the long post x
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