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HOW TO COMPLAIN about the police to the police
Each police constabulary in the UK has what’s known as a Professional Standard’s Department (or PSD).
As their name suggests, it’s their job to ensure your complaint ‘departs‘ at a ‘professional standard‘. Or failing that, at an amateur standard instead.
CONTACTING PROFESSIONAL STANDARDS
you can make your complaint by phoning the police on the non-emergency 101 number and asking to be put through to your local station.
Here you will be placed on hold for an extended period of time, re-routed, cut off, or if you’re lucky,
connected to a department who won’t have a clue what it is you’re talking about.
If you haven’t gone away by then they may record your complaint begrudgingly,
helping you to twist and abbreviate your words in a manner that makes you look petty and ignorant.
You can also make your complaint via letter or e-mail to the PSD. They have a statutory 14 days in which to claim to have lost your complaint,
again in the hope that you will give up and go away.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
After your complaint has been recorded they will sit on it for an extended period of time.
Or lose it again. This is done to assist your vagueness when it comes time to recount the facts you have already given,
thereby adding to the impression you are making the whole thing up.
HOW IS MY COMPLAINT HANDLED?
If you still haven’t gone away, a police officer will meet up with you.
They may do this by arresting you for a petty driving offense, or fabricating a minor charge against you.
If they can’t fit you up at your soonest convenience then they may visit you at home. Here they will ask you for further details on your complaint
perhaps making notes of anything you have in the house that looks stolen, or small children that social services may be able to take from you.
In all probability, the police officer handling your complaint will offer to resolve it via a process known as Local Resolution.
WHAT IS LOCAL RESOLUTION?
Local Resolution is made up of two words. Local – meaning ‘close‘; (in this instance a fellow officer) and Resolution meaning ‘Getting them off the hook‘
(again meaning a fellow officer). This is done by discussing the issues surrounding your complaint, nodding sporadically,
scribbling cryptically and then explaining all of the things you could have done to have made the situation much, much better for the officer concerned.
You can at this stage ask to meet up with the officer you have complained about so he or she can get a better look at your face,
should they need to contact you again afterwards.
This officer will listen too and respond to your comments by pretending they have an important call on their radio,
whereby they will get up and leave the room. Or perhaps the officer and his investigating colleague may goad you into a heated argument,
causing you to raise your voice and say some silly things, in which case you will be promptly arrested for a public order offense and the complaint swiftly resolved.
WHAT HAPPENS IF I REFUSE A LOCAL RESOLUTION?
You do not have to accept Local Resolution if you believe the complaint to be so serious you would like the police to investigate you fully and hand out
a far more severe punishment to yourself. In which case, you may ask that your complaint be handled via Proportional Investigation.
WHAT IS PROPORTIONAL INVESTIGATION?
Proportional Investigation is again made up of two words. Proportional meaning – ‘as much effort as it’s worth‘, and Investigation meaning ‘nothing at all‘.
This time, the officer investigating your complaint will work for the Professional Standards Department itself.
They are much less likely to be a friend or colleague of the officer you complained about, because nobody in this department has any friends.
all other officers regard them as ‘grasses’ and ‘backstabbing !!!!!!!!!!’ and will stonewall them at every opportunity. However,
this makes the officers in PSD keen to prove they are not this way by helping their colleagues get away with blue murder whenever they can.
HOW WILL THIS INVESTIGATION BE UNDERTAKEN?
The first part of the process will begin with an increase in police activity near your home, preferably via your doorstep.
This may occur during the small hours when the police are not so busy. Or during the day when they’re not so busy either.
Or at any hour day or night when they’re also not so busy.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETED?
You will be sent a detailed report outlining their findings. This report will highlight the parts of your complaint they upheld (via the blank parts on the page),
as well as highlighting everything that was rejected (printed in ink).
This detailed report is necessary to rubbish both you and your version of events as well as lay the blame
and reasoning behind the officer’s misconduct – or lack of it – squarely on you.
WHAT IF I DISAGREE WITH THEIR FINDINGS?
In the highly unlikely event that you don’t disagree with their findings, you can then appeal to the IPCC.
WHAT IS THE IPCC?
The IPCC are much more powerful than the Professional Standards Department. They have brooms that are much much bigger,
and carpets that lay much much flatter than the Police. If you do not feel your individual force has handled your complaint correctly then you can appeal to the IPCC.
They will then forward your complaint directly to the floor, ask that you lift a corner of a carpet and will sweep their brooms firmly and directly toward it.
WHAT HAPPENS IF THE IPCC REJECT MY APPEAL?
You will then look twice the liar the police have already proven you aren’t.
The police may (or may definitely) choose to wheel out these reports later should you decide to make any future complaints against them,
thereby automatically being granted a dispensation by the IPCC (I.E broom and carpet) and pass you off as a vexatious nutter.
This is turn will allow the police to crucify you for whatever they want, whenever they want, without anyone in authority ever paying the slightest regard.
WHAT IS JUDICIAL REVIEW?
This is where you ask the permission from the people who have just called you a liar (The IPCC) if you can take them to court and prove that THEY
and the police are in fact the ones who are lying. In the odds shattering probability of them responding with anything that could be misconstrued as a YES,
you can then take your complaint to the high court where old men with limited marbles and fusty wigs will laugh at you from a very big chair
and take all of your money and give it to the police in damages.
If you can’t afford to pay then they will bankrupt you or put you in jail so you won’t see your friends or family for a very long time.
So there it is, I hope by reading this you now fully understand the police complaints procedure and the utterly futile but decidedly fair process involved.
Each police constabulary in the UK has what’s known as a Professional Standard’s Department (or PSD).
As their name suggests, it’s their job to ensure your complaint ‘departs‘ at a ‘professional standard‘. Or failing that, at an amateur standard instead.
CONTACTING PROFESSIONAL STANDARDS
you can make your complaint by phoning the police on the non-emergency 101 number and asking to be put through to your local station.
Here you will be placed on hold for an extended period of time, re-routed, cut off, or if you’re lucky,
connected to a department who won’t have a clue what it is you’re talking about.
If you haven’t gone away by then they may record your complaint begrudgingly,
helping you to twist and abbreviate your words in a manner that makes you look petty and ignorant.
You can also make your complaint via letter or e-mail to the PSD. They have a statutory 14 days in which to claim to have lost your complaint,
again in the hope that you will give up and go away.
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
After your complaint has been recorded they will sit on it for an extended period of time.
Or lose it again. This is done to assist your vagueness when it comes time to recount the facts you have already given,
thereby adding to the impression you are making the whole thing up.
HOW IS MY COMPLAINT HANDLED?
If you still haven’t gone away, a police officer will meet up with you.
They may do this by arresting you for a petty driving offense, or fabricating a minor charge against you.
If they can’t fit you up at your soonest convenience then they may visit you at home. Here they will ask you for further details on your complaint
perhaps making notes of anything you have in the house that looks stolen, or small children that social services may be able to take from you.
In all probability, the police officer handling your complaint will offer to resolve it via a process known as Local Resolution.
WHAT IS LOCAL RESOLUTION?
Local Resolution is made up of two words. Local – meaning ‘close‘; (in this instance a fellow officer) and Resolution meaning ‘Getting them off the hook‘
(again meaning a fellow officer). This is done by discussing the issues surrounding your complaint, nodding sporadically,
scribbling cryptically and then explaining all of the things you could have done to have made the situation much, much better for the officer concerned.
You can at this stage ask to meet up with the officer you have complained about so he or she can get a better look at your face,
should they need to contact you again afterwards.
This officer will listen too and respond to your comments by pretending they have an important call on their radio,
whereby they will get up and leave the room. Or perhaps the officer and his investigating colleague may goad you into a heated argument,
causing you to raise your voice and say some silly things, in which case you will be promptly arrested for a public order offense and the complaint swiftly resolved.
WHAT HAPPENS IF I REFUSE A LOCAL RESOLUTION?
You do not have to accept Local Resolution if you believe the complaint to be so serious you would like the police to investigate you fully and hand out
a far more severe punishment to yourself. In which case, you may ask that your complaint be handled via Proportional Investigation.
WHAT IS PROPORTIONAL INVESTIGATION?
Proportional Investigation is again made up of two words. Proportional meaning – ‘as much effort as it’s worth‘, and Investigation meaning ‘nothing at all‘.
This time, the officer investigating your complaint will work for the Professional Standards Department itself.
They are much less likely to be a friend or colleague of the officer you complained about, because nobody in this department has any friends.
all other officers regard them as ‘grasses’ and ‘backstabbing !!!!!!!!!!’ and will stonewall them at every opportunity. However,
this makes the officers in PSD keen to prove they are not this way by helping their colleagues get away with blue murder whenever they can.
HOW WILL THIS INVESTIGATION BE UNDERTAKEN?
The first part of the process will begin with an increase in police activity near your home, preferably via your doorstep.
This may occur during the small hours when the police are not so busy. Or during the day when they’re not so busy either.
Or at any hour day or night when they’re also not so busy.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE INVESTIGATION IS COMPLETED?
You will be sent a detailed report outlining their findings. This report will highlight the parts of your complaint they upheld (via the blank parts on the page),
as well as highlighting everything that was rejected (printed in ink).
This detailed report is necessary to rubbish both you and your version of events as well as lay the blame
and reasoning behind the officer’s misconduct – or lack of it – squarely on you.
WHAT IF I DISAGREE WITH THEIR FINDINGS?
In the highly unlikely event that you don’t disagree with their findings, you can then appeal to the IPCC.
WHAT IS THE IPCC?
The IPCC are much more powerful than the Professional Standards Department. They have brooms that are much much bigger,
and carpets that lay much much flatter than the Police. If you do not feel your individual force has handled your complaint correctly then you can appeal to the IPCC.
They will then forward your complaint directly to the floor, ask that you lift a corner of a carpet and will sweep their brooms firmly and directly toward it.
WHAT HAPPENS IF THE IPCC REJECT MY APPEAL?
You will then look twice the liar the police have already proven you aren’t.
The police may (or may definitely) choose to wheel out these reports later should you decide to make any future complaints against them,
thereby automatically being granted a dispensation by the IPCC (I.E broom and carpet) and pass you off as a vexatious nutter.
This is turn will allow the police to crucify you for whatever they want, whenever they want, without anyone in authority ever paying the slightest regard.
WHAT IS JUDICIAL REVIEW?
This is where you ask the permission from the people who have just called you a liar (The IPCC) if you can take them to court and prove that THEY
and the police are in fact the ones who are lying. In the odds shattering probability of them responding with anything that could be misconstrued as a YES,
you can then take your complaint to the high court where old men with limited marbles and fusty wigs will laugh at you from a very big chair
and take all of your money and give it to the police in damages.
If you can’t afford to pay then they will bankrupt you or put you in jail so you won’t see your friends or family for a very long time.
So there it is, I hope by reading this you now fully understand the police complaints procedure and the utterly futile but decidedly fair process involved.
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