False accusation-How can I protect myself ?

[Worried71]

Hello,

Out of the blue today, an old girlfriend from the early 90s wrote to me to say how she had spent years in therapy and it's all because of me, and that I ...(not put in so many words), raped her while she was drunk and unconscious. At the time she was intent on not having intercourse until she was 21 (she was 17/18 and I was 20) and so we just did all of the other things instead, but the night in question she now claims to have woken up to find me on top of her taking her virginity as part of a bet with friends, and other ludicrous and upsetting accusations. I remember the night in question very well, we were both drunk, and both consented to finally progressing to intercourse from everything else. It lasted about 30 seconds before we gave up. In the morning she laughed and said oh well we might as well do it again now, and other times afterwards. Not long after we split up because I met somebody else, as you do at 19 in college, and she was rightly furious.

26 years on I was staggered to get this email today, and although she has made no mention of going to the police, and that she only wants me to "feel some shame" , I am worried she is unstable and trying to cause trouble. She made a reference to having read "yet another news article", and then telling her current partner what had happened, and how horrified he was (who wouldn't be?)

I may be jumping the gun but I have a terrible feeling this is not the end of it and I wondered how I can protect myself in advance ?
I'm thinking about just approaching the Police, getting a private lie detector session organised ...seeing a lawyer. I know how this kind of thing ruins lives. I'm really at a loss, it's all so untrue..an utter and bizarre fantasy from a person who has apparently had years of mental health issues.

Any advice would be most welcome.

[Lilyput]

Sorry your here this may sound harsh but whatever you do DO NOT GO TO THE POLICE. So many corrupt police officers that may arrest you due to this ludicrious email.

My advice is save the e mail gather evidence e.g any witness to your relationship any letters etc after supposed rapes. Might be worth shopping around for solicitors in case the police do get in contact but I wouldn't do anything as of yet. How scary for you in the mean time hopefully she's after some sympathy from current partner and Will move on to the next sob story soon.

[Franticwithworry]

I second everything liliput says. Going to the police pre-emptively will NOT help you and may only make matters worse. Keep the email and write down everything you can think of about this relationship, and quietly gather whatever evidence you can.

Lining up a specialist lawyer - there is a list on this forum of recommendations - in case you are questioned by police is a good idea, but you don't need to pay anyone for anything yet. Just find a lawyer who knows what they're doing to agree to go with you to an interview if there is one.

There isn't anything more you can do at the moment. Your gut may tell you that this isn't the end of this, but you never know. It's horrible, but sitting tight is honestly the best thing to do. Cross other bridges when you get to them.

Oh, and check back here often. It's a worrying time for you but there's lots of support here.

[Worried71]

Thanks for the advice, I will hold off then. I did want to reply to the email to straighten things out but she blocked me from doing so on facebook. It's a double edged sword really, if i don't reply it's almost as if i admit guilt, and if i do it could just flame whatever attention fires she is seeking.
In the meantime I live on tenterhooks wondering if she is going to try and ruin my life with some fantasy.

[Franticwithworry]

Thanks for the advice, I will hold off then. I did want to reply to the email to straighten things out but she blocked me from doing so on facebook. It's a double edged sword really, if i don't reply it's almost as if i admit guilt, and if i do it could just flame whatever attention fires she is seeking.
In the meantime I live on tenterhooks wondering if she is going to try and ruin my life with some fantasy.

The fact that she blocked you straight away is interesting, and I think it's probably good that you didn't get to respond. She clearly doesn't want to hear anything you have to say. If you don't dignify the accusation with a response and maintain a dignified silence, she doesn't have anything that can be twisted and turned against you. Sorry to sound cynical, but too many people end up with their words taken out of context and used against them.

If you say nothing, that can't happen, and you don't open yourself up to further accusations of harassment or anything silly like that.

[Lilyput]

Totally agree there have been loads of cases here of girls texting 'i said no' or 'i didn't really want to' after consensual sex and men saying sorry to smooth things over and it making them seem like they are admitting something they've not done.

Just a thought if any friends new you as a couple and found her unstable in the relationship and you the rational one maybe ask if they'd be willing to comment on both your character. Someone who my ohs FA harrassed contacted the police when she heard through one of the witnesses which has hopefully been helpful.

[Worried71]

Totally agree there have been loads of cases here of girls texting 'i said no' or 'i didn't really want to' after consensual sex and men saying sorry to smooth things over and it making them seem like they are admitting something they've not done.

Just a thought if any friends new you as a couple and found her unstable in the relationship and you the rational one maybe ask if they'd be willing to comment on both your character. Someone who my ohs FA harrassed contacted the police when she heard through one of the witnesses which has hopefully been helpful.

Well I certainly wasn't going to say sorry, I wanted to remind her exactly what did happen that night and the subsequent days. This was a 6 week thing, 17 and 19 year olds, we live other ends of the country now and I've no idea what has been going on with her since 1990.

I did just remember this and it's very telling, I think she has hinted at something like this before. We'd had a fun night staying at a friends house in 1990, me, the girl and two male friends. She was running around in just a t-shirt at the end of the night and wanted to peep in my friends bathroom while he was in it, and she jumped on my other friends shoulders to look in, all giggles. A few years later her then boyfriend, a policeman , confronted one of my friends to say we had committed sexual abuse ...... I presume by her deciding to jump on my friends shoulders while not wearing any underwear ? It was all very vague about what we were meant to have done but obviously there is some kind of abuse fantasy involved ? I'm not in touch with these friends anymore and Im sure they might not remember either.

[Lilyput]

Hopefully it won't come to anything and it's something she just enjoys telling people for the attention. I'll never undestand that mentality really unfair on real victims too.

[Rights Fighter]

if this comes to the attention of the police (via her or one of her cohorts - not you) then you really would need a soilicitor who specialises in 'false memory' / 'recovered memory'.

Roughly which area are you in should this happen?

[Worried71]

if this comes to the attention of the police (via her or one of her cohorts - not you) then you really would need a soilicitor who specialises in 'false memory' / 'recovered memory'.

Roughly which area are you in should this happen?

I'm based in greater Manchester. I spoke to a criminal lawyer today. His advice was to write an official statement and recollection of events and store it with him as a future insurance policy, for 1200 quid. He did his best to terrify me.

[Lilyput]

Rf would know more than me. But I wouldn't pay yet. She may not contact the police and you'll have wasted money. You don't really need to pay a solicitor until there's a charge as they can't make the police drop a case. But I've not much experience.

Might be a good idea to write the true events down to be clear in your own mind as it may trigger something useful that proves her lies.

[Rights Fighter]

For God's sake don't use him.

Make the statement and keep it safe and maybe also email to a trusted friend.

[Worried71]

For God's sake don't use him.

Make the statement and keep it safe and maybe also email to a trusted friend.

Yes I'll give him a miss.

Just one last piece of advice : I can contact her via a different facebook account. I want to just put forward my version of the night and the following week or so, and to say the rumours she heard about it all being "a bet" were completely false. But I have these thoughts:

1. If she is doing this for attention am I fanning the flames and likely to push her over the edge if I am denying whatever warped memories she has.
2.If I say nothing it's as good as accepting what she wrote.
3. Maybe my email will trigger some memories about what really happened and she might back off for ever.

Jesus ....the world is full of ****ed up people.

[Rights Fighter]

Noooooooooooo! Don't have any contact with her whatsoever. You could live to regret it.

If you see anything helpful on her profile then by all means screenshot it and save it.

[Soanxious]

I know you're worried sick and you feel your life has been turned upside down, and you can probably think of nothing else, but please take note of Right Fighters advice and do not under any circumstances make contact.

Unfortunately all you can do is wait to see if anything happens. Make sure you write down anything you can remember, hopefully nothing will come of this, fingers crossed.