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Thread: Trying to understand

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2018

    Default Trying to understand

    Hi, I have no idea what to in this situation. I'm struggling to talk to friends and family because it's hurting everyone and I found this site I thought it might help. To explain my situation...

    I've just started a new job and as part of my training stayed away on a friday night whilst I spent time with a few departments on the Friday and Saturday. I'd be staying in a hotel for the night. After work some co-workers asked asked me to join them for a drink on the Friday. We all ended up staying out late and had a few beers. at the end of the night a female college ended up getting into the taxi with me and coming back to the hotel. We slept together, talked then went to bed. In the morning everything was fine and we had sex again. I should mention the previous night she had left her bag in a bar and had no phone. So asked to borrow my mobile to call a friend to collect her. I offered a lift but she said not to worry. She put her number in my phone and asked me to call her.

    Now, I know this doesn't make me a good person and the one night stand was a mistake, but I have a long term partner at home. I explained this to the girl and that last night had been a drunken mistake, but she was nice and I'll see her again in the office, but not for sex.

    I thought everything was ok. She seemed fine.

    3 weeks later I got arrested by the police and she has accused me of rape. The police released me on bail after I made my statement explaining the events of the night. The took my mobile phones for evidence too.

    Work have let me go (I'm in my probation period so this is relatively easy to do) stating my actions damaged the companies reputation and I have acted immorally.

    I have a bail hearing at the end of the month.

    I have obviously had to tell my partner and it is tearing the family apart. I did make a mistake, but not what I'm accused of.

    I have no idea what I can do, how long this will take! I feel so out of control. From what I read this could take months or years. I can't begin to repair my relationship until this has gone away.

    I can't sleep thinking about how this could of come about. Whilst it was a mistake and a one night stand. I didnt do this. I feel sick constantly.

    What happens next?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    South East


    Hello and welcome to the forum,

    Your question "What happens next?" rang a bell as some time ago I wrote up a post with almost exactly this subtitle!

    You might therefore find it useful reading although I didn't touch on the effect of false accusations on relationships:
    'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2017


    Hello football fan,

    sorry to see you in this situation. My case goes to trial in a couple of weeks so i have felt a lot of similar emotions recenlty. Please look through all the threads you can on this site as it will provide you with useful information, or even post in the falsely accused section, maybe a mod can move it?

    ill give you some tips which may help you from my own experience.

    - write as much as you can remember down in a book or so - it may come in handy down the line. as much detail as possible
    - don't trust the police at all
    - find a legal team just in case. a good one which specialises in these sorts of cases. many who don't will say they do and just look to take money. hope for the best, prepare for the worst as Frantic with worry once told me.
    - if you can find anything that helps your cause keep a hold of it and don't show the police straight away. iCloud phone records, any pictures or so you may have taken together.
    - don't make contact with the accuser. if she makes contact with you keep proof and show your legal team

    the period will be a tough one. in terms of duration i was charged within 6 months based on no evidence at all. some people stay on bail longer and have it ended with an NFA some people go to court. you can't tell.

    it may be of some help that there is spotlight on these types of cases with the Liam Allen one taking centre stage. when the time comes the officer in charge may drop it. or subsequently it may take longer to go over yours due to the reviews at hand.

    your world will feel like its crashing and burning before you. i did have trouble sleeping and still do. however if you can have someone to talk to in person, a close family member or friend it will be a great help. if not keep coming back to this forum and someone will respond, we are all in the same boat really.

    i wish you all the best

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2018


    Thanks Bob,

    I've already written everything down, I kept on replaying it in my mind so much I thought it would help get it out of my head, but I can see the value in it later on now.

    Your not the first person to say don't trust the police. Even though I have been arrested they were nice if that's possible. Explained they had to because of the allegation and almost comforting in they way they spoke to me. Now I don't know if they were being genuine or it was a ploy. I seem to triple or quadruple over think everything now. What I'm saying or doing, or what others say or do so it can't be taken out of context or wonder what they really mean even though I know I'm innocent! It's a nightmare. My head's in overdrive.

    Just trying to stay distracted but it's impossible all the time.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2017


    Welcome football fan though as always, it's a shame you had to find us.

    Bob has given you some great advice. Write it all down. Everything you can remember. What you said, what she said. Everything.Keep a notebook with you.

    One thing I think might be significant would be whether you told the accuser about your long term partner before or after the event.

    Who knows what went through her mind in those three weeks but possible she has felt deceived or convinced herself that she wouldn't have slept with you if she had known about your partner.

    Possible she has a partner herself?

    If we can recommend a solicitor in your area then please ask - it will give you some peace of mind if you know who you can call should there be a charge. Most of our recommended sols are on THIS GOOGLE MAP which is based on THIS THREAD:

    I'm wondering what reason the police had for arresting you tbh, it's very unusual these days. Are you in England/Wales?

    Distracting yourself is difficult but important lest you drive yourself mad over thinking. Get to the doctors if you are having trouble sleeping.

    If it helps, the vast majority of cases (around 80%) end at the investigation stage without charge so there is plenty of hope.

    Hang in there
    Last edited by Peter1975; 2 Weeks Ago at 12:54 AM.
    Consider carefully what you post in public. To join secure closed forums for those falsely accused of historical sex offences visit :

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2018


    Hi, thanks for the reply

    In hindsight I believe she most likely only knew of my partner when I explained in the morning. I had discussed my family the evening before but she may not of heard this (we were speaking in a group.)

    And yes I live in England. They told me they had to arrest me due to the alogation being made, but I'm not sure if this us true?

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2018


    Sorry I meant co-workers not family.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2016


    Hello Footballfan32. I'm sorry you had to find us. The police seem to be a law unto themselves and it's difficult to pin down a reason why one person is arrested and another is not. Most people are not arrested these days because of the new Police and Crime Act that came into effect last year and that means that most are released 'pending investigation' without a bail date for reference.

    The cynic in me says that some officers like to think that their caseload is serious enough to warrant arrests, but who knows? They seem to make up the rules as they go along and I wouldn't read too much into it. The upside of being arrested is that you have bail dates so can keep something of an eye on the progress the case is making in terms of regular updates. Being released without bail means you get no such updates and many months can pass with no news to speak of. Swings and roundabouts really.

    I hope that you get all the support you need from here. There are some great and knowledgeable people around with a wealth of experience. Ask all the questions you need.
    'Mongolian Warriors had the courage of lions, the patience of hounds, the prudence of cranes, the long-sightedness of ravens, the wildness of wolves, the passion of fightingcocks, the keenness of cats, the fury of wild boars and the cunning of foxes.' BE A MONGOLIAN WARRIOR WHEN DEFENDING YOUR INNOCENCE!

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