Just musing......

[AmandaF]

It's probably known amongst those frequent visitors to the forum that I quite often get involved in heated debates and have been the subject of quite venomous outbursts.

i am quite determined in my views, being somewhat long in the tooth now I have little time for pussy-footing.

However there are certain things that are common to every single person who posts here, whether they are victims of false accusations or of sexual abuse.
The only things we know about each other are what we choose to post in public- certainly what anyone knows about my circumstances is all current. I have never posted anything about my past, my teenage years or anything else I have experienced, good or bad. So yes, i get really annoyed by this endless "How could you know about ........." because chances are many of us can relate to situations other than the ones we find ourselves in now.

What are also common themes is the injustice we all feel, our voices never being heard, our side of the story never being sought. We are all having to live with feelings and frustrations that we should not wish upon anybody else.
Yes we should all be offering mutual support but that has to be from a neutral non- judgemental stand point, one where we do not assume anything about what we may or may not have faced in the past.
I have read stories on here and thought "Really......." yet I have been moved to tears by others. Some people make me want to ask the question "How could you be so stupid"? and others just make we want to hug that person.

My lovely dearly departed mum had some brilliant sayings that she often quoted one of which was "Temper your enthusiasm with discretion".

It's a good rule to live by.

Let us all remain strong in fighting our battles, whatever stage in the war we are at. whatever particular war we are in

[Stayingstrong]

Well put Amanda.

We are all on this forum due to sad circumstances. Be they due to a loved one being false accused, or being the victim of a rape.

None of us walked in any other shoes, and all of our support is down to our own personal feelings. And it is that, support.

If it is legal advise that is required by anyone, or clarification on a specific item, then my suggestion is find a lawyer, as we are all just "normal" folks here, that have all personally been affected by circumstances or people beyond our control.

My penny's worth.

[wakingnightmare]

I'm new to this place but I've been moved by how supportive everyone is.

Yes, some people seem wrapped up in their own drama forgetting we're all here for similar reasons.

We're all emotional and I think it's understandable that sometimes things spill over. Hardest part is the isolation of living in limbo, not speaking these fears out loud.

Interesting to note how the tone of people's posts change from that initial one of blind panic to quiet resignation & determination to get through.

[AmandaF]

wakingnightmare I think that's because as time passes it's the only way to cope. Sometimes late at night, when I'm alone and should be sleeping the horror of it all creeps up on me. I have absolutely nightmarish emotional flashbacks but I manage to get up and go to work like I don't have a care in the world.
What else can we do?
If we crumble and give in, the FAs , abusers, rapists of this world have won.

My and mine had decided that on release we will just have to live out our lives as best we can, living with this spectre hanging over us forever. that's quiet resignation. Then I have a call from his defence saying maybe, just maybe they have evidence that was not available at trial.

That's worse- no hope is better , sometimes, than a tiny glimmer

[jittery]

hi

wakingnightmare I think that's because as time passes it's the only way to cope. Sometimes late at night, when I'm alone and should be sleeping the horror of it all creeps up on me. I have absolutely nightmarish emotional flashbacks but I manage to get up and go to work like I don't have a care in the world.
What else can we do?
If we crumble and give in, the FAs , abusers, rapists of this world have won.

My and mine had decided that on release we will just have to live out our lives as best we can, living with this spectre hanging over us forever. that's quiet resignation. Then I have a call from his defence saying maybe, just maybe they have evidence that was not available at trial.

That's worse- no hope is better , sometimes, than a tiny glimmer

Hi Amanda,
You're a real rock hun and don't let anybody tell you different. I admire you and your strength tremendously and I'm sure I'm not the only one

[innocentson]

Ditto

Hi Amanda,
You're a real rock hun and don't let anybody tell you different. I admire you and your strength tremendously and I'm sure I'm not the only one

Couldn't agree more ... Only ever found your posts supportive and encouraging Amanda
Sleep well tonight - you deserve it
Sending you a hug over the net

[Arsenal12]

Agree with you Amanda......


Like mentioned above I too have always appreciated your words and views they are always helpful...in fact you were the very first person to respond to my first post....which in itself says alot

Yes you can see how fellow forum posters grow and get stronger and more dertermined....the more support or advice one is likely to give a fellow forum poster.....the more they are likely to receive themselves....


I personally do try to offer support and advice to fellow posters when I feel I can offer some helpful views/opinions..Etc

Chin up everybody

Turn - all- that - pain into positive energy and power

[innocentson]

Agree with you Amanda......


Like mentioned above I too have always appreciated your words and views they are always helpful...in fact you were the very first person to respond to my first post....which in itself says alot

Yes you can see how fellow forum posters grow and get stronger and more dertermined....the more support or advice one is likely to give a fellow forum poster.....the more they are likely to receive themselves....


I personally do try to offer support and advice to fellow posters when I feel I can offer some helpful views/opinions..Etc

Chin up everybody

Turn - all- that - pain into positive energy and power

I wish there was a "like" button on this forum, like Facebook ..... Would save so much time :-)

[Rights Fighter]

I wish there were "like" buttons on here too.

Nobody knows (unless we have chosen to share) what any of us went through as children or as adults.

This is not a competition, and it doesn't help when people throw in any type of sympathy card, in the hope that helps us win whatever argument is ongoing.

Also, hijacking threads is not fair on the OP who started the thread. I've noticed that some people do not post again once an argument breaks out - often over a complete misunderstanding, where one poster has been accused of saying something they clearly did not say, or have been accused of addressing one person, when what has been said was said to somebody else.

I am seriously thinking of starting a new set of public forums (as opposed to the private ones I run) where new members will have to agree not to hijack threads, read posts they do not like more than once to check they understand what is there, and to refrain from "flaming".

People on here are suffering enough already without having to be subject to bile and vitriol. It does nobody's cause any good when arguments break out, the victim of the flaming then feeling they have to explain themselves, only to be shot down in flames again, because the person starting it, does not actually properly read what is there first off.

When a person starts shouting is when they have lost the argument. The same goes for flaming.

[Casehardened]

This is a tricky one...in theory posters should simply respond to the op but what if incorrect information is inadvertently given either through lack of knowledge or misunderstanding of the OP's situation....

....then it is necessary for others to chip in with a correction, hopefully with tact, in order that the Op is not left with a false picture.

What is unnecessary and counter-productive is if members over-scrutinise other's posts in order to score points, after all we are all on the same side or are supposed to be.

RF makes a good point in that an argument on a thread can be distressing for the OP who is likely to be in a fragile state of mind anyway and I will have to be more ruthless with the editorial pen and in future delete posts that are 'Not helpful to the thread'

[AmandaF]

Thanks for all your generous words.

I am going to answer on this thread something that RF and I were accused of today and that was having less compassion than others.
I do not measure the amount of compassion I have or demonstrate by my own ideology, that should be assessed by those who are the recipients , or not as the case may be.

To state that one has an abundance of compassion cannot be accurate when one's words do not demonstrate this.

Have I compassion? No I don't think so. I like to think I have empathy which differs a little.

Compassion is found in those who tirelessly give their time to assist, support, cajole, empower, advise from heartfelt experience.

'Tis all

[jittery]

hi

Thanks for all your generous words.

I am going to answer on this thread something that RF and I were accused of today and that was having less compassion than others.
I do not measure the amount of compassion I have or demonstrate by my own ideology, that should be assessed by those who are the recipients , or not as the case may be.

To state that one has an abundance of compassion cannot be accurate when one's words do not demonstrate this.

Have I compassion? No I don't think so. I like to think I have empathy which differs a little.

Compassion is found in those who tirelessly give their time to assist, support, cajole, empower, advise from heartfelt experience.

'Tis all

Stop putting yourself down . You are compassionate I think; and you empathise very well. Not everyone's got your strength, in fact I suspect most haven't.

How many young people do you know who think people our age just appear on planet earth when we're forty. I had a crowd of boys telling me I don't know what it's like to work a 12 hour shift,

I had to remind them that I was young for a lot longer than they've been to date! Perishing kids!!!

[Casehardened]

I had to remind them that I was young for a lot longer than they've been to date! Perishing kids!!!

"Youth is wasted on the young"

[Rights Fighter]

This is a tricky one...in theory posters should simply respond to the op but what if incorrect information is inadvertently given either through lack of knowledge or misunderstanding of the OP's situation....

....then it is necessary for others to chip in with a correction, hopefully with tact, in order that the Op is not left with a false picture.....................

I agree that if incorrect information is given, as in somebody has tried to give "advice" which is wrong and could take somebody up the wrong path, then it should be corrected.

However, sometimes people misunderstand what has been written on the first reading, and dive straight in to correct the perceived mistake. I've done that on occasion and have apologised (usually blaming my age ) but some will still carry on without acknowledging that they could possibly be wrong.

An example of that for instance: another member on here read the other person's post but couldn't have read it correctly, as he thought I might come back and apologise for saying that she did not contribute to the forums. What I said to AmandaF (not to the other one) was:

You have contributed in a far more positive way to these forums than she has or is likely too.

That is true. AmandaF has contributed in a more positive way to these forums than the other one has. I have not said that the other one has not contributed to the forums. She has, in a positive way on the "raped" side, and not so positive, and bordering on the grossly offensive on our side of the forums.

In the most recent case, where there was some discrepancy as to an open relationship and "cheating" - that was actually a mistake that didn't need correction as it was nothing to do with the OPs post.

That post specifically related to "should she allow the boyfriend to stay overnight when she's been told he cannot do that".

Such minor and irrelevant mistakes do not really need to be corrected. In that case, it was corrected out of a feeling of indignation of that particular member who was already losing her "battle".

People who rant and shout early on must know that they are wrong, even if they cannot accept that, otherwise they would try to reason rather than continue with ranty petty personal insults.

People speak to me behind the scenes and I know for a fact that AmandaF is an extremely well regarded and a much valued member of these forums and on PAFAA.

As for me allegedly not caring, having no empathy or compassion, tell that to Redscouse and all the others whose successful appeals and NG verdicts I have been heavily involved with.

People's unkind words to me on here don't upset me. Those that write them don't know me, they clearly haven't read the dozens of posts that say the opposite, they have no idea of my life, what I have been through, what I am likely to go through, and the dozens of people I have helped on their way to freedom.

I know who I am. AmandaF knows who she is. Neither of us recognise the descriptions of us in the recent rants, so they just do not matter.

It's also rather disgusting that the person in question must know that AmandaF's hubby is in prison serving a sentence for crimes he never committed, yet she still rants her unwarranted vitriolic bile towards her. That says more about that person than it does about anybody else.

Try not to take it personally AmandaF.

Hug loading.gif

[Stayingstrong]

I know who I am. AmandaF knows who she is. Neither of us recognise the descriptions of us in the recent rants, so they just do not matter.

It's also rather disgusting that the person in question must know that AmandaF's hubby is in prison serving a sentence for crimes he never committed, yet she still rants her unwarranted vitriolic bile towards her. That says more about that person than it does about anybody else.

Try not to take it personally AmandaF.

I totally agree with all your comments, but in particular the quotes above.

Neither one of us has walked in any one else's shoes, we are here to support and if possible offer re-assurance, and comfort. If we know for sure what a procedure is, then we can of course advise.

Amanda is a stalwart of this forum, and also for those on the "other side of the fence" - as am I, and especially you RF.

As the saying goes, Sticks and Stones........

We have to all try and look at everyone calmly and gently. For me Religion DOES not come into this in any way - and I personally do take mild offence at some comments that refer to God. Each to their own, but not for me thank you.