My daughter has accused my husband of 'inappropriately touching' her - help

[is there justice?]

Hi CF

I haven't posted on this before because it's not something I know too much about other than realising what an awful situation it is for you.

I do wonder that with all the media frenzy, that some people will look back and genuinely think they have been abused when it has been a chance 'miss'. I once put my hand back to hold my first hub's hand but he had moved away so I made an old man's day by touching him where I'd rather not have. It was very embarrassing.

I also agree if it has been an isolated incident that it is unlikely to be deliberate especially if she said nothing at the time.

Keep posting and expressing yourself here as much as you need. For me it's the difference between sanity and the final straw!

[confusedmother]

I also agree if it has been an isolated incident that it is unlikely to be deliberate especially if she said nothing at the time.

Keep posting and expressing yourself here as much as you need. For me it's the difference between sanity and the final straw!

Thank you ITJ

Today I am having a 'normal day'. I feel like this has all blown out of proportion, mostly by me and my daughter and i feel absolutely sure hubby didn't do this in the way described, if at all.

Spent time with hubby today. Daughter no.2 shunned him - not surprising when she also made false allegations and now changed her mind that it didnt happen. Is she lying again to cover up or embarrassed that she lied?

Hubby feels he is being forced to move on with his life, keep working, move home and change address on his documents he doesn't know if here is any way back for us and he is angry. He wont split me and my girls up but he is worried about he effects in the future; are they going to exclude him from family events - that would be unbearable for us both. He is hanging on for me... but only just.

He doesnt understand that if 'something' did happen to my daughter then she is upset, angry and in turmoil we need to speak to someone professional to help clear up how she feels. She doesnt want someone to just pity her and say 'poor you, your daddy did this terrible thing...' she wants someone to say 'are you sure?' Tell me, describe how you felt/feel...? Could it have happened somewhere else? then help her to move on and deal with her feelings.

She too is worried that the Dr could take it out of our hands and report it because she was only between 8 and 12 years old and asleep when it happened 'one time'. He cant understand why talking to strangers might help. They are both worried about what each other will think, what other people will think of them. They are more alike than they realise!

And now, saying all this i feel angry and guilty and helpless again... around and around in circles...

[Casehardened]

Spent time with hubby today. Daughter no.2 shunned him - not surprising when she also made false allegations and now changed her mind that it didnt happen. Is she lying again to cover up or embarrassed that she lied?

My gut feeling is that the truth may lie (pun not intended!) with daughter #2. From what I know about girls it is certain that they have discussed this matter more deeply and honestly between themselves than they have disclosed to you and have decided on a united front to present to you and husband.

So perhaps it did happen and #2's allegation was made to support #1 or it didn't happen and #2's allegation was made to bolster #1's allegation on the basis that corroboration will strengthen a weak case. (if they know it is a falsehood they will be subconsciously be expecting it to fail)

I don't think it would help to interrogate #2 too intensively just at the moment but you may find, given time (and how often have I said that) the truth may come out.

[confusedmother]

the truth may come out.

Oh God, what have I done? went to see the Dr to arrange conselling becase this is making me ill and after hearing the allegations he says he is obliged to discuss it with his practice and they may report it to the Police because my daughter alleges it happened when she was a child...

I understand he has to protect other children but to force us into this when we are not sure if its true.....

thats definitely hubbys job and our future down the pan and he could be innocent... or not. I just dont know... What happens now, can anyone tell me?

[soulbug]

Well , my guess would be , if the doctor reports this to the police , which i would say is likely to be honest , due to the doctor having a duty of care to the patience , the police will contact you or your daughter , as she is now a adult to discuss the matter , i assume your daughter will tell the police what she has told you , then your husband will either be asked to contact the police (if he fails to contact them based on there request , he will be arrested) or the police will simply arrest your husband and question him.

Once a serious allegation has been reported to the police , the police have a duty to investigate.

Please note your husband should / must use a solicitor , either his own (if he has one) or a duty solicitor , one can be appointed for free on the day , he must not fail to use a solicitor , the free duty solicitor should be suitable on the day .....

If matters are taken further , then it is highly recommend to use one of the solicitors reccomend on this forum , as they have excellent experince in dealing with such matters.

It is not important how far a solicitor is from you distance wise , due to modern communication.

[soulbug]

As a extra thought , before the doctor contacts the police , with your daughter been a adult , he may contact her first.....then proceed from there.

[confusedmother]

As a extra thought , before the doctor contacts the police , with your daughter been a adult , he may contact her first.....then proceed from there.

Head of GP practice has called back, they want to see us again then will contact Social Services to investigate. We have no choice. They are obliged by law as are all health services even if you just go for advice. The moment you mention potential child abuse even if you are sure nothing happened since and you are now an adult and the details are not certain, they WILL take it further to protect the public.

Social Services WILL contact the police if they believe there is a case to investigate/answer and every meeting with them is recorded and stays on record indefinitely.

Will they now go through my home and our computers looking for evidence? Seriously worried about all of our sanity and the prospect of this being drawn out for the next 4 years...

[Casehardened]

The other problem is that any professional you discuss this with may feel obliged to pass the information on;

I did suspect this would happen; the old adage of doctors being bound by the confidentiality of the Hippocratic Oath having been superseded by government directives regarding offences against children.

If your daughter repeats what you have told us I would say that it is a given that your husband will be interviewed in order to listen to his side. Therefore please take note of Soulbug's excellent advice regarding legal representation. It is probable that the police will also want to check his computer and/or mobile for evidence of a 'interest', if so this can take a while, therefore if he needs it for work etc it would be as well to be prepared to make alternative arrangements.

[whatsgoingon?]

I did suspect this would happen;

Hold on to your hats!

[Rights Fighter]

I need to clarify something soulbug said. It doesn't matter where in England or Wales you might be in relation to which solicitor you would instruct, but that applies mainly to privately instructed solicitors - not legally aided. Legal Aid Agency only pay out per case not per hour so if you chose a sol out of your area they may well then end up using agents as they would not get travel and overnight expenses paid by legal aid.

Keep posting and if this does go further post up the county (you don't need to say which town) and there may well be well experienced recommended sols known to some of us who could assist you. Plus there is a list of recommended sol here on the forum.

[confusedmother]

Keep posting and if this does go further post up the county (you don't need to say which town) and there may well be well experienced recommended sols known to some of us who could assist you. Plus there is a list of recommended sol here on the forum.

RF thank you, we are on kent coast. Does anyone know what circle of friends/family get dragged into this. Will it be total anarchy now in the quest to prove hubby guilty and should i stop contacting him for a while even though this terrifies me, all of it...

We were stuck between a rock and a hard place because there was no one else independent to talk to. I'm so flipping naive at times but you're brought up to trust 'the system'.

[frightened spouse]

RF thank you, we are on kent coast. Does anyone know what circle of friends/family get dragged into this. Will it be total anarchy now in the quest to prove hubby guilty and should i stop contacting him for a while even though this terrifies me, all of it...

We were stuck between a rock and a hard place because there was no one else independent to talk to. I'm so flipping naive at times but you're brought up to trust 'the system'.

Hi Confused Mum

Really sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I haven't felt able to reply until now as I can't even imagine how hard it is to be conflicted between loyalty to your daughter and your husband.

My daughter accused my husband of similar ( but claimed it happened on numerous occasions) last year and it took 11 months for it to be dropped by police and cps just 6 weeks before trial. It was very easy for me to back my husband as I knew the allegations against him were impossible as I was never absent from the house in the evenings as she alleged. However the police never interviewed me,

I completely understand your trust in the system we all believe before we encounter such allegations that those in the police and social services are reasonable and rational. however this often goes out of the window particularly in the current climate.

Common sense tells you that the fact that your daughter is so vague about the alleged incident,the time frame in which it may have happened and the fact it may not have happened at all should mean that this shouldn't progress. However common sense often doesn't even enter the equation when police and cps are involved. You ask what circle of friends and family could be approached the answer is probably anyone who is sympathetic to or will back up your daughter's story. That is if it gets to the stage of a police investigation. Unbelievably hearsay such as " I always knew that something wasn't right" is accepted as evidence,

Was there a particular event or reason that was the catalyst for your daughter making this allegation ?
Is your youngest daughter over 18 now as this may have a bearing on how social services approach assessing any "risk" ?

How has your daughter reacted to the idea that authorities could now be getting involved ? Is she fully aware of the implications for the whole family if this proceeds to a police investigation and possible court case ?

[confusedmother]

Hi Confused Mum

I completely understand your trust in the system we all believe before we encounter such allegations that those in the police and social services are reasonable and rational. however this often goes out of the window particularly in the current climate.

Common sense tells you that the fact that your daughter is so vague about the alleged incident,the time frame in which it may have happened and the fact it may not have happened at all should mean that this shouldn't progress. However common sense often doesn't even enter the equation when police and cps are involved. You ask what circle of friends and family could be approached the answer is probably anyone who is sympathetic to or will back up your daughter's story. That is if it gets to the stage of a police investigation. Unbelievably hearsay such as " I always knew that something wasn't right" is accepted as evidence,

Was there a particular event or reason that was the catalyst for your daughter making this allegation ?
Is your youngest daughter over 18 now as this may have a bearing on how social services approach assessing any "risk" ?

How has your daughter reacted to the idea that authorities could now be getting involved ? Is she fully aware of the implications for the whole family if this proceeds to a police investigation and possible court case ?

Thank yo FS, yes I agree wih everyhing yo said. My daughter is now aware of the implications but its too late now, she said what she said and there's no going back.

My concern for the truth was that she first said she was about 12 when it happened but then described a specific scenario of me not being at home and said exactly where she believed i was he time. However, the scenario she described took place years earlier and i have date stamped photos to prove the timeline.
Whatt she described; She woke briefly , recalls a hand down her underwear and turned away, went back o sleep, then woke again a little later and believes her hand was down a mans underwear. She says she got out of my bed and wen back to her own bed.

She says she didnt see hubby go into my bedroom to get in bed with her (still in my bed), he didn't talk o her and she didnt see his face. When she 'felt' the hand in her underwear she turned away, there was no dialogue, no resistance, no penetration and no struggle for him to keep his hand there or do anything more. When she recalls she woke the 2nd time and her hand was in his underwear she didn't scream, she didn't confront or look at my husband .

I have asked her repeatedly how she cold be sure itt was my husband and she said she believed she got out of our bed and went back o hers - thatts tthe only way she has made sense of his.

Like I said, she made a mistake about her age and tthe scenario, so could she have mistaken the where, when and who? This is why we wantted tto get conseling withouutt making an allegation. Like I said she used to go on sleep overs a her friends when she was younger and we had a couple of parties when the kids wouuld go to bed part way through he night so could something have happened then? That casts a shadow over everyone we ever knew.

I know children's memories adapt and change and i also know i've made things up as a kid to get or remove attention. As you go into adult life you start to justify and correct those memories and sometimes you hang on to feelings that later prove unfounded, i have done that too. The hard part is being sure of what happened and being able to admit your mistakes when you realise yo got it wrong.

I also know, in this situation, I could be wrong but gut instinct still tells me my husband is telling he truth that he did not, would not do this to or daughter. Gut instinct isn't admissible in court though.

Sadly I have had to cut ties with hubby for now because i cannot support my daughter and him at the same time, and she lives with me. I believe something has happened to her, which is awful but i dont know exactly who, what, when and where.

Lets see where this whole damn thing takes us and i hope we all come out more understanding , better and peaceful people at the end of it, even if we can never be a whole family again.

[whatsgoingon?]

'Lets see where this whole damn thing takes us and i hope we all come out more understanding , better and peaceful people at the end of it, even if we can never be a whole family again.'

You could be right, that might be the consequence, but be prepared for the shock of your life .

My experience is quite the opposite (different situation from yours). It was the hardest most brutal thing I've ever had to face (and I've had a few hard ones). I'm still recovering from it a year and a half down the line, I'm not sure I ever truly will - I can say that I'm a changed , sadder, more cynical person, perhaps that is for the best. I haven't really reaped the 'benefits' yet.

It's important to make a very clear distinction between the possibility of your husband having committed a criminal offence against your daughter as a child and not knowing how to deal with an unsatisfactory father/ daughter or husband /wife relationship based on poor behaviour from him which you have alluded to.

I really sympathise with the dilemma you're in, and I admit that it's very difficult in these situations to keep a perspective on things.

Good luck.

[myhome]

Hi - have a look at the links below about False Memory Syndrome. It's not uncommon. My nephew has a memory of his mother (my sister) hitting him repeatedly with a wooden spoon - once so hard it broke - when he was little. This never happened - my sister rarely even smacked her children yet my nephew is adamant he " remembers" it...

http://www.fmsfonline.org/

http://bfms.org.uk/

http://www.theguardian.com/science/2...emory-syndrome