New to this ...Help...advise...what to do? Scotland

[lawlessone2009]

Lawlessone - my partner has not met the advocate, the sol contacted him to make aware of charge and to ask advise re my partner submitting statement / declaration as he thought that this could put an end to things, it was agreed that his was too risky as the sol had not seen the evidence. I am not sure of who the advocate is, only that he is based in Glasgow.

Do you know how long it takes for the victims rape kit results to be returned, as I think if it is back it may be a reason why things have not progressed further? Or can it take months and months?

Thanks again

Derick is based in Glasgow. Anyways, not important at the moment. If you keep the link to that site then you will be able to check out whoever your advocate is when you finally find out who they are......

As for rape kits...... My informed friend says it would take a maximum of 24 hours for results to be returned. The thing is.... When was it submitted, when was it tested, how were the results returned to the investigating officers......................................... After that, when are they actually going to bother letting you know????????????

It took around 6 months for me to find out that there were no traces of anything from me on my accuser but there were 'third party' traces. I never did enquire if it was 'sweat, saliva or semen' (the 3 's' they look for) as I actually found it all a little disturbing in a strange way......... The results of what was found on me were never revealed but I can pretty much be completely certain that there was nothing from her on me. The difficultly with DNA is that it's everywhere and easily transferred from one individual to another and although you wouldn't expect certain forms of DNA to transfer in a certain manner, ANYTHING is possible and it becomes a worry in itself. There are of course detailed requirements as to quantities etc to attempt to ensure fairness and normality but it's all beyond me as to what they are set at and of course you'll be aware of what is possible to transfer either by coughing or hand touches/drinking glass touching/toilet usage etc (small quantities of skin cells etc). If penetrative sex had taken place then it'd be reasonably easy to ascertain from the medical evidence.

It's a waiting game unfortunately. The longer you wait the potential for better results. I'd imagine even a run flat out medical lab would be able to process the rape kit by now and that someone somewhere will have the results. I am not saying that the info will have worked its way through the chain yet but I can be pretty sure that if it showed that a rape had taken place then it would be highlighted and quickly pursued! Processing rape kits that come back positive could mean only one thing in the medical professions eyes, a rape had taken place and nobody wants a rapist on the streets.

Did a rape take place is a question for a court of law.

Your partner has obviously given a 'no comment' interview which leaves a reasonable playing field open regardless of what happens anywhere within any of the processes. He's not tied in any corners at all and to have a duty solicitor do this does kind of hint to me that the solicitor IS worth their salt. Dealing with the unknown whilst keeping ALL your potential options open normally costs a lot of money. At present being faced with such a serious allegation I have to say that the solicitor has done a bloody good job and his seeking the advice of the advocate is merely highlighting that they are on the ball and able to defend against the allegation.

[cantgiveup]

Thanks, I defo need to try and stop trying to second guess others reactions. We have told sol about threats who advised logging with police, but we felt it would stir up aforementioned hornets nest...my partner did however leave a statement with sol about it just in case. There was also an independent witness to the threats.
Yep, I myself have been very ignorant of sexual offences and worry now for all men I know that they could be placed in this situation so easily. Consent just about needs to be in writing!! (and in triplicate!)

As much as my opinion is worth, you sound strong to me, to have been through it and helping others through your experience seems pretty admirable to me!

[tiftaf]

my home /tiftaf / lonely place - thanks for your support, my emotions are all over the place, I seem to feel anger, despair, disbelief, shock, strength all within a minute. Fortunately for me my work has been amazing, changed my role temporarily to a less stressful one and referred me to counselling. They do not think I am ready to be back at work as I am so all over the place but are supporting me in my need to try and be normal, I hope that the longer I try to pretend for normality the more normal it will become!
My partner and I are not able to see too much of each other just now as we agreed for him not to be around my children in case there were Social Work implications, however as he is now no longer on bail / conditions there can be no SW involvement, but this may change if in the worst case scenario a charge is proceeded with, this is why it is so hard to plan what to do....are either of us able to be making big decisions at the moment? Maybe not. All I really know is that when I am with him it is a lot easier to cope with together than alone.

I was seperated from Taf because he didn't get bail to his home address. He ended up living at his sisters two hundred miles away. You are absolutely right, that does make things harder. When I did get to see him, somehow I felt strong and positive. I think this is also because I wanted to keep up for him etc. Whenever he went back though, two days later I would be all over the place again. Feeling negative, constantly worrying.

I do think that the counselling will be good for you so grasp that with both hands. My GP didn't refer me until he had seeped me up in Citalopram and realised that they were simply not the answer.

Chin up x

[is there justice?]

Hi Cantgiveup

Sorry you have had to join all the poor folk googling 'false allegations', seems there are quite a few of us here.

We are in limbo as, 4 weeks in, the sol still hasn't been sent any papers through so I don't know too much about legalities but I fully understand the devastation false allegations cause. Even after 4 weeks, when I can generally cope in the day, something can upset me, often it's a kind word funnily enough and eveything goes awry again. FAs are evil and I wouldn't wish it on the person who has done it to hub.

It's a bumpy ride but reading 'banana' threads helps and keeping some belief in the justice system if at all possible.

[cantgiveup]

thanks so much tiftaf and is there any justice, it is amazing the difference this site is making to me just knowing there are other people who really understand what we are going through help (although I truly wish no-one understood, as you say isthereanyjustice I would not wish this on anyone)

Today has been a better day for me, I did a lot of thinking last night, and the support from here has made me realise I need to stand up more, I have been hiding away and if anyone asked what happened I just stated I did not want to talk about it, I now know this is not the right way to handle things (well maybe with people I don't know so well) I need to be strong and more openly supportive of my partner and accept whatever repercussions that may be. My children are strong and I will support them through whatever happens.

This woman needs to know that I AM strong and will not be beaten out of my wonderful relationship by her lies.

[cantgiveup]

Today I am so angry, I know it is going to be a long dragged out process but it is just so unfair that a few words from a not very reliable / nice person can turn so many lives upside down....why do the police take so long...they took great pains (when taking my statement) explaining the serious of the allegation ''up there with murder'' and yet can just put it to the bottom of the pile while they make a decision about my partner and I's entire life. How do these people sleep at night?

I am trying so hard to keep my temper and not rise to village gossips for fear of worsening the situation or for saying too much. The thing is I really do not have a temper, I avoid confrontation a all cost normally and can usually see the best in people which is what got me in this situation in the first place. I should have listened to my instinct.

Today has not been a good day...tomorrow will be better.

[How did this happen]

Hi can'tgiveup

I'm the partner of a FA too, it was also a 'friend' of ours that made the allegation during a visit to her house. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my partner did not do this. One I was there and two he just wouldn't!!!

We were informed by the police last Friday (has it only been a week????) that it was over although we haven't had it in writing yet so we don't know if it was NFA or NC.

The six weeks waiting on the police were the hardest of my life, my partner wasn't charged so we told no-one so had to wear out 'happy normal face' all the time. I failed a bit but I did ok all things considered. Supporting your loved one through this will be hard but you will find the strength to do it. They need you to be there and to believe in them at a time when they feel no-one will. My relationship has in some ways benefitted from this.... Not that I would recommend it to anyone!! But we are stronger as a couple.

You will feel such a crazy lot of emotions up and down and all over the place. I personally was mainly low or massively massively angry. I had a burning ball of rage in the pit of my stomach. I could not believe that she would do this.... I'm not a violent person at all but it's probably a very good job that the liar lives approx 200 miles from us and there was no risk of me seeing her.

Keep fighting with and for your partner and keep posting everyone is so giving with support

Best of luck

[Izzy]

Today I am so angry, I know it is going to be a long dragged out process but it is just so unfair that a few words from a not very reliable / nice person can turn so many lives upside down....why do the police take so long...they took great pains (when taking my statement) explaining the serious of the allegation ''up there with murder'' and yet can just put it to the bottom of the pile while they make a decision about my partner and I's entire life. How do these people sleep at night?

I am trying so hard to keep my temper and not rise to village gossips for fear of worsening the situation or for saying too much. The thing is I really do not have a temper, I avoid confrontation a all cost normally and can usually see the best in people which is what got me in this situation in the first place. I should have listened to my instinct.

Today has not been a good day...tomorrow will be better.

I know it's not much consolation but the fact that the case didn't go through court and is bottom of the pile is a plus.

It can take ages - up to a year for a decision to be made. In the meantime walk tall and don't give into the village gossips - Don't give them the satisfaction of a reaction

[whatsgoingon?]

walk tall and don't give into the village gossips - Don't give them the satisfaction of a reaction[/B]

Very sound advice - everyone knows that there are always 2 sides to any story and in my opinion he/she who stays discreet remains dignified and by that very fact, shows the other person up.

Great advice from L1 , also (God, I feel sorry for you Scots!)

All the best

[cantgiveup]

The last few days have not been good...I am at an all time low....I feel so guilty but even my children can hardly make me smile and I am trying so hard for things to be normal for them. My mum had biopsy results today and they were negative and still I cant feel happy, but iI know it is really good news.

I had a text today from a mutual (me and the accuser) friend, I haven't spoken to any mutual friends since this whole mess started 7 weeks ago. She asked how I was and we need to arrange catch up, I replied that I hoped she was well, but I knew my partner did not do what he was accused of and that this probably meant she would not want to contact me any longer. She replied she couldn't believe that I was standing by my partner and there was no way the accuser would lie...but she has, and she has destroyed me.

I guess if that is the worst reaction I get then it not too bad, but now I know my belief will be 'out' and there will be repercussions of that, that I will need to face.

I am so lonely, I have lost all my friends through this,I feel I have to keep my partner away for fear of SS involvment and my ex, my family live far away and my job involves a lot of lone working...and it is going to go on and on.

From reading this I know that people have dark thoughts, and they are there, I just don't have the courage. But they frighten me.

[Izzy]

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. If I could give you one bit of advice - don't text. It's so easy for people to say things that they wouldn't if they are face
to face with the person.
It's a difficult situation when you have mutual friends but if one does contact you and you feel strong enough, brazen it out, you have done nothing wrong.
You've preempted the friends decision to meet for her by saying she probably didn't want to contact you because of the accusation.

You will feel stronger in time, please don't forget that

[Boys don't cry]

Sorry Cantgiveup to read about your partner's and your situation.

It takes time and the beginning is awful but you must keep faith.
Just look at your children, they want you to be happy

I am sure one day you will be proud of yourself ,you stood by him and fought for your family.
Falsely accused don't know how lucky they are to have wives and girlfriends like you supporting them.
Regarding your "friends", you will keep the honest and find some new.

Never give up and take care.

[cantgiveup]

Thankyou I and BDC. I know what you are saying is true, and I have never considered myself a 'wallower' I have had knocks in the past and always got through without too much self pity or self doubt...but I am struggling with this, it is so all consuming and affects our entire immediate world and everyone in it.

I have no doubt I am doing the right thing by my partner and myself, I doubt whether I am for my children. They deserve a mum who can protect them and keep them safe, not a mum who fears for them being bullied because of her mums belief in what is right, or having to watch how their Dad reacts to things (getting drunk and in fights, and I don't know what else he will do now)

I just can't walk away, it is too serious, it is my partners liberty and character that is being threatened. I know I need to do everything I can to defend him. I have to do what is right or I wont be able to look myself in the eye. But at what cost, my children being messed up? Can they be strong enough to take what comes?

[Boys don't cry]

Cantgiveup.

Is there a way someone can convince him to stop what you wrote in the second paragraph within parentheses?

It is for his own protection, he must act in a responsible way and not be a menace for himself nor the society.

I know it is hard while being FAd but...this is the law.

[lonley place]

Hi
Don't worry about what might happen, most people who do know the situation will not have the
courage to say anything directly to you or your children. If the odd one does, turn and walk away, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone !
Deal with things as and when they happen !! LP